Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

Paris – the city of romance

“I’m thinking we should go to Paris in the new year. I wanted to do it as a surprise, but I’m thinking that might be a bad idea because of work and studies.”

“Wow :o” I replied. “Yes it would’ve been bad, especially with work – since they’re not flexible at all.”

“Great to know! That’s what I thought. I’m thinking we should go for 3-4 days, I’ll find the dates till then.”

“I am speechless” I replied “I can’t believe you. You’re amazing. You keep surprising me all the time. Just like when you randomly showed up at my door with a big bouquet of flowers.”

“Yea, well I just felt like it that day. I’m glad it made you happy, good surprises are priceless.”

OMG!

Is this guy even real?

Am I dreaming?

What’s going on?

He’s amazing. He puts in so much effort… I’ve never experienced that. I love that. I really do. I feel like a queen. I hope this never ends. If he’s gonna be like that forever… I think we would get that happy ever after ending.

I am usually the one that puts in the effort – too much effort. The one that treats the man like a king. I cook, clean and all sorts. For once someone is putting in the effort for me. Just for ME. It brings tears to my eyes. I feel loved. I feel like for once I am not just a trophy. I feel appreciated.

I love this feeling. <3

I AM;

FullSizeRender-5

I AM happy
I AM strong
I AM loyal
I AM trustworthy
I AM honest
I AM open-minded
I AM determined
I AM a striver
I AM a sister
I AM a daughter
I AM an opportunist
I AM creative
I AM cultural
I AM curious
I AM a leader
I AM loving
I AM helpful
I AM polite
I AM kind
I AM passionate
I AM empathetic
I AM understanding
I AM independant

I AM ME

What are YOU?

Birthday

As promised I would tell you about my birthday …

I almost forgot really. So busy with so many things, so busy being happy too …
I feel so free… I can’t even explain !

Anyway …

He sent me flowers.

A beautiful big bouquet of flowers arrived at my door.

A card. A card which he had ‘designed’. He had chosen a picture, that needed to be printed on to the card.
A picture of two hands holding.

“Happy birthday! See you later tonight. One Love”

Cute.

He came to pick me up.

He had a present.

I had a feeling about what it was.

And surely when I opened it – I was right.

A pair of shoes. Yes… I love shoes. And these shoes aren’t exactly cheap. They’re not Louboutin expensive, but they’re still pretty expensive. For someone who hasn’t know me for long… Well he sure as hell isn’t cheap – I can tell you that.

Anyway…

Off we were, for dinner.

A small, intimate hidden restaurant in the city.

French cuisine.

We had a three-course dinner.

Who cares. I was just happy to see him.

The food was fine. The atmosphere was great. It was good.
But I was just happy to see him.

When we’re apart, I don’t care too much – which is good. I mean I’m not in heartache or anything. Life goes on.
Which is good. Because that means – to me at least, that it’s not because I am in need of him. Don’t get me wrong, it just means that the reason why I am seeing him has nothing to do with being lonely… Or needing to have someone there.
It means that I really like him. For him. So far that is.

Anyway … When I am with him I love it. I love to cuddle and kiss. Could kiss him forever.
I really do think we could make it. But I cannot know of course. All I know … Is that so far we’re really good together, and we’re happy and pleased. We are really fond of one another.
It feels good.
It feels different.

Let’s see where this leads me to…

1 year.

1 year has passed since my first post.

one year. 12 months. 365 days.

It feels weird. I can’t believe it’s been one year already …

Times flies so fast, so you have to make sure you make the best of it.

Keep in mind that your life is yours. Although it may sound silly – trust me, it’s not.
What I mean by this, is that you have to live for you. Don’t live for that one friend, or the other friend, or that ex boy/girl-friend, your mother, father, sister, brother, whoever it may be.
Yes, have them in your life if they’re important, love them – and all that. But don’t LIVE for them.
You’ll never be happy if you live for someone else. You have to find your own way, instead of always trying to help others find their way. That’s where I am now. I want to live for me. I want to move forward in my life. I no longer want to make decisions based on other peoples thoughts or feelings. I don’t care anymore. It’s about me.
If I’m happy with it, then that’s all that matter.
Me.

It’s not about being selfish, it’s about putting myself first. Like everyone else does.
I am here to find my own happiness and peace.
I want to be happy. I choose happiness. I choose me.

Birthday alert

The problem has never been getting someone to be interested in me.
Guys are interested in me, I’m not sure why. I guess I am easy to talk to?

It’s easy for guys to fall for me, the problem is it’s not for me.
Though, I am starting to wonder if I have fallen or not…
Leaning towards the thought, that I might’ve…

Anyway, Birthday alert.
Not his. Mine.
We’re going out for dinner.
He reserved tables 2 weeks ago.
Yea really… 2 weeks ago.
It’s only been 3 weeks since our first date.
It’s amazing where we are already. Doesn’t feel like weeks, feels like months… I don’t know. It’s weird.
But anyway … update on the birthday day will be posted.

Let’s see what happens. :-)

When the X wants a Y

I’ve closed my last chapter, and started my new one. It’s not a new year, it’s the end of one. Yet it’s more than time for a new chapter. I kept going in circles, all this time I wasn’t free… But not long ago I freed myself. I feel relieved and happy.

I’ve moved on. I can truly say that. I’m over my ex. 100%. Even 500% for that sake. I knew I was over him as a partner, but now I know I’m over him as a person ¬†too. What I mean by that is that I don’t feel like I owe him anything anymore. I don’t need him in my life anymore either.

I’m free.

I feel lighter.

I feel happy.

I can’t even explain it, but I’m moving towards better days.

You have to go through darkness to get to the light, and I feel like I have…

Anyway, ‘the X wants the Y’…
I told my ex to move on for good. Because I could feel like he still had hope, too much of it.
Now he wouldn’t accept that.
He said he would take it personal if I was to move on and be in a relationship within the next month or two.
He said he ‘disagreed’
He said that he loves me
He said that, We broke up because I (me) wasn’t interested in having a boyfriend and wanted to find myself.
Which is true. But also meant, I wasn’t interested in having him as a boyfriend. Which he clearly didn’t get.
In his world, it’s almost like we were only on a break. It’s like he thought that as soon as I would be ready to have a boyfriend – that it would be him …
Oh god.
He’s still floating on his little pink sky. Just like when we were together. It’s like he’s in a trance. Like there’s some love spell over him… I don’t know what the deal is.

He said he wanted to talk. He wanted to see me F2F, I said no need. As I don’t feel like there’s more to talk about.
Apparently he wants ‘answers’ … I guess he wants to know ‘why not him’ …
How awkward would that be.

The day after our conversation he decided he wasn’t happy about the outcome, he sent a text. I told him I didn’t have time for this, as I was at work. He sent another (annoying) message and insisted that we have to meet to talk and only then he’d leave me alone. To avoid conflict and the whole situation I replied ‘Okay’.

It’s been a week since that…

Honestly I have no intention of meeting with him.

I won’t make a move till he does.

I don’t owe him anything. It’s ridiculous how he always makes me feel like I do and plays my consciousness. I don’t have to feel guilty. I haven’t done anything wrong.
I don’t have to let it bother me.
So I’ve decided to give it a rest. I’ll just make it clear that it’s done if he contacts me, if not. It is what it is.

That’s just how life is.

No. 5

So … I never got to tell.

I’ve reached number five. Yes. Luke, he’s number 5.

Honestly though I don’t feel like 2 of the guys I had sex with was really sex… If that makes sense. Not that it matters anyway.

But yea… Number five. Hopefully last one too. I hope this could be real. But who knows… Time does I guess. Just have to wait and see how this all unfolds.

But no. 5 isn’t bad, after all it is an all time classic – Chanel no. 5.

Cheesy… Maybe, but thinking ‘number five’ to myself, made me weirdly enough think about Chanel no. 5, random – yes.

So far so good though. I think we could be an item. I think we kind of already are. Not 100% officially yet, but between one another we are.

I don’t really want to talk to anyone, nor do I want them to talk to me … Guys that have interest in me that is.

My eyes are locked, with my heart. For the first time in a very long time I think… Because even though I was in a relationship a year ago, I wasn’t fully committed… Only the first 1.5 years, after that I was just in it because I didn’t know of anything else.
Habit. Comfort. Safety.

Everyone I was seeing etc. so far wasn’t because I was ready … But because I was lonely – which is so bad.
You should never date because you’re lonely – do it when you’re ready.

I feel ready. I think I’m ready. I can’t say that I know, as I feel sometimes emotions change… But one thing I do know, is that this feels different. Different to everyone else. Anything else. I’m not sure why.

I seem to be getting a lot off track lately. I think I’m struck …
Anyway …
It hurt. It still does. But it’ll get better. Just have to get used to him.

But … About the whole getting off track thing… I feel like I’m more positive lately too.
Like … Those stupid couples that are in love.
You laugh at them and want to puke, until you are ‘them’.

I think I am a part of it now.

I am happy.
Yes. Maybe even in love without knowing? People say you know. But how can you know if you don’t know how it feels. Not all people think or react the same…
I notice the small things about myself, like as mentioned I feel more positive, and happy… Which makes me think I might be in love. Also I just want to tell everyone how great he is…

And I think about him all day.

I think I might be in love.
We’ll see.

You make me happy.

“You make me happy”

he messaged me.

Wow. That warmed my heart. Why? Because honestly he makes me happy too. A lot of people cross my path, a lot of guys… But I’m never really interested.

With this one though, I’m happy. I think I’m content.

I can’t stop kissing his face. Love his smell. Play with his hair. Hold his hand. Hug him.

Am I in love? Like head over heels? No. I won’t lie. I don’t fall that easily. Never have, quite frankly never think I will. But for now I’m happy.

I love spending time with him. He makes me want to be a better version of me. He motivates me to get things done. My room is no longer a mess. Maybe because my mind isn’t longer the same mess it used to be?
I’ve always preferred it tidy, OCD ish… But lately, over the last many months, I haven’t really cared much. I couldn’t find the motivation to get things done.

I feel like I’m slowly getting my shit together.

Now all I need to get together is school… And fitness.
I’ve been injured for the last 2 months… Starting again now, slowly – really slowly! I’m so weak it feels like a beat down. Doesn’t take much for my injury to show itself either when I workout. It crushes me.
But I have hope. I’ll get there. I’ll get back on my feet in terms of that again.

…Back to ‘love’ … For the first time in a long time, I don’t mind getting into a relationship. I feel ready. I feel like I’ve seen enough? … I don’t really feel curious … Before whenever I would talk to a guy, I wouldn’t want to commit – just yet. Because I kept on feeling like there was more to see, more to experience, guys to meet… Something better.

This one. He’s a darling.

What a sweetheart. He’s kind, thoughtful… And he’s not a little bitch. Yea I said it, he feels like a real man.
Even though I get embarrassed, he does what he feels like… Even if I tell him not to… I kind of admire him for that. I get embarrassed. I always think ‘Oh no, what will people think’ ‘Oh no, don’t attract attention’ … But I like how we’re kind of alike and yet so very different. I think that’s what makes it work. We can teach each other things.

… Anyway I got off track there.
My point, he’s so loving… The other day, he came by with a bouquet of flowers… Why? Just because he wanted to, he said.

Yesterday I was at work till night. He messaged me 30 mins before I was off, asking if I was off. I couldn’t answer of course. When the clock hit, I texted him ‘Now I am! So tired.’

He asked if I wanted to come to his place for the night, because he already missed me. Even though he slept over the day before and we had seen each other in the morning.
How cute, I thought.

I didn’t have my things with me, which OCD me doesn’t like, so I told him he could come to my place and next time we’d go to his.

So he did, even though I had to get up really early… We didn’t have much time together… He knew that was the deal, yet he still wanted to come… Just to wake up to my face.

Is this guy even real? He says the most crazy things. He notices small things…
I do that. I usually notice the small things. The small things that matter…
If he’s truly like that, then I think we’ll get along soooo so so so so well!

I think I’m happy.

What a coincidence…?

Every now and then¬†strange things occur …

Well… I have a little black box … Which I’ve mentioned before… In this little black box I keep lists of who I’ve kissed and when and who I’ve had sex with and when.

So… Me and Luke had our first kiss this week… So I remembered my black box and went to type it in… Then I looked on the sex list, and I realized guy number 4 aka. Olly was not on it… I had forgotten! Luckily, date wasn’t hard to find – as it was on the date when I flew to him the first time – 21st August…
Now you might be thinking so what?
Well here comes the creepy part… I realized that the date I lost my virginity was the same…

Thats kinda strange right?

Well… At least I think it is! What a weird ass coincidence! I was kinda creeped out the moment that I realized it was the same date… So so strange.

Weird things can happen sometimes, I dont have much to say about it than: WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!

Close one chapter, to start a new.

Today I realized that it’s not really possible to be friends with you ex… At least not for me.

Because whilst I have moved on emotionally – meaning I am not stuck in the thought of being with him, he has not.
He hopes that we will get back together, in his mind I am the one.
Which is why it makes it near impossible for us to be friends. It’s just not a good idea. He has to understand that it’s over. It’s been a year already…
To him it feels like it wasn’t that long ago… Honestly … I don’t feel the same. So much has happened since then… And I think I might be feeling like I’m ready to move on. Like really move on. Not just have sex with someone, but to actually let go of the whole ‘Im not sure I’m ready’-thing …

I dont feel anything towards my ex in anyway at all. At all.

Which can only mean one thing, Im over it. I’ve moved on.

I don’t even feel like I have an interest in involving him in my life. I am actually at a point where I don’t care if he’s a part of my life, where I used to actually care about that… Now I dont…
Of course its a shame and kind of ‘complicated’ due to the large group of people that we both know… After all we do have 90 something mutual friends according to Facebook.

But … I’m ready to let go. And I can feel he’s still hanging in there. He hasn’t let go, he doesn’t want to… He act like he’s a player, macho man whatever you wanna call it, but really he’s still stuck …

I will have to tell him sooner or later – that I’ve moved on…
Not sure what the reaction will be … Hopefully he will try to move on too though… I hope.

At this point I’ve just realized that it’s not my responsibility or a burden for me to take regarding his feelings… I’ve already ended the relationship. I can’t do anything else. I used to be scared about him seeing me with a guy or his friends seeing me and that they would tell him … But now … I honestly dont care, it’s not my job to care about that. It is what it is. I am not cheating. I am single. I am allowed to date. I am allowed to move on.

I think I’ve just felt guilty. Guilty for making him heartbroken. And like I owed him something because of that. Owed him to not move on. Owed him to tell him when I do move on … Because in the beginning he asked me to tell him… But it’s been a year now, I feel like that ‘promise’ has expired. I will tell him. But I no longer feel obligated to keep it secret so he doesn’t find out until I tell him … I no longer feel like I have to hide in public – just in case he’ll find out.

I don’t owe him. I don’t owe anyone. I owe myself.

I owe myself to be happy, I owe myself to try. I don’t owe anyone else anything. My life is for me to live, not for me to live for others. I am free.

Today, I feel free. I feel like I’ve let go of the guilt. I feel like I no longer really care about pleasing everyone – because you never can. So I have decided that pleasing myself comes first. I don’t come second. I can come second once in a while – in a relationship or when it comes to my future children – but thats it.

I have to close a chapter, write the ending, in order to start a new one.

I have closed the chapter for myself now. I just need to close it for my ex too, soon – and that’s when the new chapter will truly begin. When I get him off my back.

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