Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

What do you want?

Simple.

Or is it?

Often many of us don’t know the answer.

At least when it comes to our future.

Sometimes even when its regarding simple decisions.

You walk into Starbucks and glance at the menu, you glance above the heads of the baristas. What do I want? What do I want today? Will I be bold and try something new? Kinda getting tired of the same old iced coffee with sugar free vanilla syrup. Should I be bad and order a frappuccino loaded with calories? No! Don’t forget your goals, what do you want? To be fit? YES! No no no, no frappuccino… Guess I’ll just have the usual then.

But… is that really what you want?

Sometimes we fall into habit. Sometimes we’re blinded. We misguide ourselves. We lose ourselves.
We no longer understand or trust ourselves. What do you want?
“What do I want?” you ask yourself. The answer? In my case it’s often “I don’t know”.

Because I don’t have the time or energy to really think and spend time on figuring out what I want, what I really want. Then we all sit and wonder why we’re not happy, not that we’re necessarily unhappy – but we’re not really happy either. We might be satisfied, we might also just be content. But is that really enough? Don’t most of us seek happiness, true happiness?
And if we continue to pursue and never find, will we then ever be truly happy?

It all starts with you.

It all starts with me.

I have to figure out what I want.

What are my goals?

What are my short term goals?

What are my long term goals?

What do I expect to achieve through what I am currently doing?

Why am I doing the things that I am doing?

What am I looking for at the moment?

What am I not looking for at the moment?

What do I want?

What is it I really want? What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to achieve? What will make me die and say that my life was and is complete?

I don’t want to regret the things I didn’t do or didn’t say.

I want to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do with my life, where I want to be and where I want to end.

Perhaps that will bring me a step closer to happiness?

Who knows.

You never know, till you try – right ? :)

Doubt

When doubt doesn’t leave your mind …

Yea.
It’s not that great.
The saying in punctuation was always ‘when in doubt, leave it out’…

Does the same go for anything else ?

I know that when I’m in doubt about a purchase, I usually leave it, I don’t buy it – in case I’ll regret it.

Does the same go for love though? Relationships?

I feel like it kinda should imply to everything right? Or no?

I really want to give Olly a chance… But I just feel like … I don’t know.
Perhaps I like having A person… With emphasis on the ‘a’ … Meaning that whether it be him or someone else, doesn’t really matter much …

I’m searching for someone I can be with when I want to, need to, have sex with… But not emotionally etc. tied to…

I honestly don’t think I’m ready to ‘settle down’ or to be committed… I don’t think I want to or am ready to.

That’s what I’m starting to think about myself…

I feel like, if you don’t fit my profile… And you’re not perfect… Then I’m out.
And I know no one is perfect, but for me to be willing or ready to settle – then that’s the criteria. Perfection. Almost.

Otherwise you’re not giving me enough reason to stay.

I’m starting to doubt that this will work…

I keep finding this I don’t like and kinda comparing it to my last (and first and only) relationship. I compare him to my ex. Now whilst I want to kiss Olly and have sex with him, which I didn’t with my ex, then I feel like everything else is perhaps the same…

I don’t know. Perhaps I expect too much. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I expect much, but I don’t know. Sometimes it’s hard to critique yourself. Either way, if my expectations are too high – again its because I need reason to stay. Because I look for reasons to run.

I don’t feel like I’m capable of loving … And thereby not capable of being loved.
I’m not sure what it is…

But there is this one thing that has just stuck to my mind, it was a video by Tyrese Gibson… Where he talks about infidelity, cheating…

Not that I belong in that category… But it was just the fact that he was saying when someone is curious (thirsty?) they will cheat no matter how perfect their partner is. Because its inevitable, if you’re curious you’ll feed that curiosity…

Now for me it won’t be about cheating. It will be about committing…
It made me think, as long as I’m curious I won’t be able to really commit.
As long as I wonder about what there is out there?
Does the ‘perfect’ man exist?
I mean I’ve heard it more than once now that I am perfect.
That I’m the perfect woman.
So if I can be more than one persons perfect woman, then there has to be a perfect man for me too? Right?

Or is it because I’m searching for perfect, that I strive to be myself? Im not sure…

All I know is that doubt is over me.

Im a mess…

Im hot … Then Im cold…

Im starting to think that I don’t really want to get in a relationship with number 4 aka Olly…
I think I actually might not even want anything to do with him…

Problem 1: I booked a flight almost as soon as I got home from the last trip.
Problem 2: I was really high on … I don’t know? Some hormone of a kind.
Problem 3: I’m going there this thursday.

Now I can’t figure out if I’m turning cold because of the distance?
Will feelings etc come back when I see him?
Am I turning cold, because Im scared? Because I wanna go?
Is it because Im not ready to commit?
I have no idea…
I just know , that Im not feeling the thought that much anymore…
At least not right this moment…

Fuck.

That’s all I’m thinking.
Here I am thinking that I’m not in a relationship.
But Im not dating others either, because I don’t test different waters at the same time…
But in his mind we’re in a relationship… And he’s madly in love. And in his mind, he dreams of marrying me, and Im the girl of his dreams…

Fuck.

Why do I get myself into this kind of shit all the time…
Although, I guess its  not my fault… Its not my fault that he feels how he feels.
I would never intentionally hurt someone…
But now Im starting to wonder is it lust or love?
Was it all lust?
And now whatever was there is gone?

Guess I can’t tell till I see him…

This trip will be the deal breaker… Either I won’t want to see him again, or we’ll be in a relationship…

But to be honest , I’m not sure I’m ready to commit…
I want to travel, I want to be free… Meet people. Make out with whomever I want, not that that’s the most important thing. But if I want to, I want to be able to do so…
But then again … If this guy is what I want and right for me… Then all that won’t really matter, will it?

Oh gee… At least this one lives across the border and not in the same city as me.

… I feel really bad about feeling like this…
I can’t figure out if its just the stress and fear of commitment and hurt… The distance…
or if this is just how I really feel… If the whole ‘phase’ has passed and Im back to normal…

Time will tell. As I keep telling myself with everything…

Love. Independence. Life.

It’s hard to stand on your own. 

It’s hard to be alone. 

It’s even harder when you wish to share your life with someone. 

Brings sadness to my mind, tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. 

Tear after tear. 

I wonder if this is what I want. 

Tear after tear. 

I wonder if I should just give up. 

Give up because I’m scared. 

Give up to see if you really care. 

Give up to prove to me that you give a damn. 

Maybe it’s childish. 

Maybe it’s cruel. 

I can’t figure it out. 

I don’t know what I want. 

I don’t know what I don’t want. 

I don’t know what to do. 

All I know is that currently my heart belongs to you. 

All I know is that being in your arms right now would do me so much good. 

All I know is that I feel alone. 

I need somebody to love. 

I need to be loved. 

I need to be cared for. 

I show my love by taking care of you. 

But in the end I seek someone who will take care of me (too). 

I’m done with being a mother for a supposedly man. 

That’s where my fear lies. 

I don’t want to repeat history. 

I might just as well choose my past instead then. 

Being independent is not always full of joy, glory or pride. 

Independence is great. But it can bring you loneliness. 

You can and therefore do everything on your own. You miss out. It’s a lonely place to be. Whilst it’s great to be ABLE to do everything yourself. It’s really lonely to actually do everything yourself. 
It’s nice to have someone. It’s nice. It’s not something you NEED in terms of getting on with your life, but its nice, it’s something I WANT. 

 

It’s difficult. 

I have a weakness for love. 

Maybe it’s because I have a certain vision of life. 

I can’t figure out where to find happiness. 

Right now, this moment, all I know is that I’m sad. 

I’m sad being apart from Olly. 
It makes the tears roll down my cheeks. 

I can’t figure out if it’s love? 
Is it the illusion? 
Is it something else? 
Is this really something? Or am I making it something it’s not? 
Do I wish for love so much that I am faking it to myself? 
I cannot figure it out. 
All I know is that we’re far apart. Which makes my heart bleed. 

My thoughts are with him day and night. From the moment I wake up, to the time I close my eyes and enter the land of dreams. 

I think of nothing else. 
I daydream of nothing else. 
All I want is to be in his arms. 
A hug. 
A kiss. 
Cuddle. 
To feel loved. 
To feel like we’re the only ones in the world. 
To feel like nothing else matter but us. 

I want to find happiness. 
I want true love. 

 

Sometimes I wonder if guys like me for me, or for what they see. 
Do they fall in love with my mind or my looks…
It’s awful. 
Makes me feel like I’m not good enough as a person.
Like my looks make up for all the flaws I have. 

I don’t know… 

I wonder and over-think too much. 

I can’t help it. 

Sometimes I think my wishes are simple. 
But perhaps they’re not. 
Although they kind of are. 

I wonder if a child will make me happy. 
If I child will give me what I need. 
If a child will full fill the need I have of giving love and receiving it. 

But financially I am neither ready or stabile enough for a child yet. 
Also I would never want to make a child without knowing the father would take part. 
I want to raise my child with a husband by my side. 
I dream of that perfect family picture. 

Then I fear… That I might not be able to have children. 
That would be the absolute worst. Seeing that I love kids and having my own would be the absolute biggest gift in the world and in life. A gift I would love to receive. 
I hope I am one of the fortunate. 
I really do. 

 

Heartache

I feel like my heart is bleeding. 

Oh god. 

I think I’ve fallen ? 

Have I? 

you should: 

“Love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely”

I don’t think I was lonely… I might’ve felt lonesome from time to time… 

Am I ready? 
I kept thinking, “No, you’re not ready to be in a relationship. You still need to explore. Meet different guys. Meet someone who’s ‘perfect’. Someone that lives up to everything 100%, even as far as looks go.” 

No really. Does it even matter? I find flaws everywhere. Perfection doesn’t exist, and it doesn’t exist in my world at all. 

Now … Crossed borders, to see this guy. 
It had only been 2 weeks since I had last seen him, when I landed. Yet, I couldn’t wait to see him. Maybe I was holiday high, maybe it was the excitement, it was something different… Something that wasn’t easily accessible if I should put it like that… 

I have no idea, all I know is, that he caught my attention from the very beginning. All I know is that this boy, is… So sweet. He appreciates every little thing I do for him. 

When I stroke his neck, while he’s driving… 
The way I kiss him… 
The way I act around the people that matter to him… 

I made him a fruit salad, he was so happy and grateful. I just thought, it’s just a fruit salad? 
But to him it was much more. 

I’ve never felt that appreciated. 

He told everyone about the things I did for him… 

It was crazy to me. 

But now that I think about it. I see how it shows how much he appreciated the little things… 

I miss him. 

I really like him. 

Let’s call him Olly. He’s my number 4. 

I think I’m in love? He’s on my mind all the time. 
All I want is to kiss his neck and hug him. And have him by my side… 
Unfortunately we live so far from one another… Why … 

The sex was good. I can’t lie. 

 

… I don’t know what to do. I feel … So weird. So sad. 
It’s only been a day and a half. 
I miss him so much… 
I haven’t even known him for that long. I’ve only known him for 3 weeks. 

I can’t believe that in 3 weeks, he’s made me feel like this… 

I still can’t figure out if I’m in love or not. I know I like him… 
And the way I’m feeling now that I’m home… Well that makes me think I might be in love. 
But then again I don’t know… Maybe I’m holding back, because of the distance… 

I think it’s too late to back out now… 
But the distance is killing me, already. 

Tears run down my cheek whilst I’m writing this. 
My heart is aching. 
A clump in my throat. 
All I want to do right now is cry. 

But I can’t. I have to study. I have an exam tomorrow. An exam I haven’t studied for… I hope I pass. 
I only have a couple of hours to figure it all out… 
Yet I don’t care… 
All I care about is him. 
That’s so stupid… But I can’t help it. All I want, is to book another flight ASAP. Just so it’s not a maybe, but a definite yes, that I will see him again… That I will see him soon. 

If I could I would leave after the exam tomorrow. But that’s not reality. I have work. I have lectures. I have bills to pay. I got responsibilities. 

I always dream of running. 
Leaving my home. 
Leaving this place. 
Go somewhere else. 
Although he doesn’t live where I imagine myself going. Even though I could never move to live there, because it’s not much different from where I already am… 
Then it’s still nice, to be somewhere else. Somewhere different. Away from everything and everyone. And just be with him. 

I feel tempted to say I love him. 
But I think it’s too early for that. I think the word I’m searching for is in love and not love. 
I don’t know. Feels like I’ve known him for longer. I know I don’t know him 100% or everything about him, I know that. Yet the connection that we have… 

I don’t know. 

I just know that right now I can’t get him off my mind. 
And being away from him is bringing tears to my eyes… 
That’s all I know… 

Time will be my guidance

I look for all the bad, before I see the good. 

Maybe Im just dreaming? Maybe I wish I was like others? Like most? 
Maybe I wasn’t made to fall in love… 
Or maybe I haven’t met the right one? 

All I see right now are your flaws… 
How this might all be a mistake? 

Maybe it was impulse. A moment of wishful thinking. 

Maybe you’re too young for me. 
Maybe you’re not serious enough. 
Maybe we’re too different. 

Maybe this is a mistake? 

Maybe it’s not. 
But right now I can’t help but only see the bad. 
The 1000 of reasons why it wouldn’t work. 

I’m sorry. 

I just don’t trust people. 
My expectations are too high. 

Maybe I’m just too different for the world to be able to shape the perfect mate for me. 
Maybe I have to set my expectations lower. 
But how could I? 
My expectations are derived from the lengths I myself would go for someone. 
I therefore expect, I therefore expect the same. 

I’m only human. 
Even if I don’t belong to the ‘normal’ segment when it comes to thinking. 

I’m sorry. 
Sorry to be difficult. 
I’m sorry if I end up hurting you. 

I’ve never been one to not give people a chance… 

I will let time be my guidance. 
Time will tell. 
With time you will tell and show. 
Then I will decide. 
Time will be my guiding line. 

600 miles apart

Ticket has been booked. 

It’s now really going to happen. 

I’m going to go see my ‘summer fling’… 

This will be interesting… 

I wonder what will come out of it. But I’m sure this is what will ‘set the situation’. 
Will I like him or dislike him? 

Time will tell. 

In 5 days I will see him. 

I actually can’t wait. 

I don’t know him that well yet. I hope I won’t get disappointed. Who knows. 
I sure do hope I’ll get laid though… Haha. No really. 
If a guy will make me travel 600 miles and I don’t even get laid (If I want to of course), then I think there’s something wrong with me. 

I haven’t heard from guy 3… And I actually don’t even care? Don’t care to contact him either. 
I hope he doesn’t contact me, because I can’t be bothered to talk to him… 
He thinks he’s all that. Poor guy. You’re not. I’m just a really nice person. I don’t care about looks. Yet why did I give him so many ‘chances’? It wasn’t even because he was super hot or anything like that, he wasn’t incredible personality wise either… Oh the things I do sometimes. 

Like traveling borders. I’m really excited to see what this brings. 
He’s so passionate. I really like that… 
Oh well, have to pass my exam first. Which is also in 5 days… So countdown to something dreadful and something wonderful. Hopefully it will be a wonderful day. Hopefully I’ll pass and seeing him will most likely bring a huge smile to my face… 

Can’t wait! 

Lost myself somewhere on the journey

I used to draw. I used to paint. I used to write. I used to write poetry. I used to write lyrics. 

I used to express myself artistically.
I used to express myself through my hands.
Let the art and thoughts come to life through my hands. 

But now… I’ve lost myself. 
I’ve died inside. 

I look back and I get upset. 
Upset at how I no longer do these things. 
Things I used to enjoy. 
Things I enjoy. 

Time. 

Time is what has let me turn my back to myself. 
It’s all about time. 

So much to do. 
So little time to do what I want to do. 

Most of my time and energy goes on things I don’t want it to. 
Things that I have to do, but don’t like. 

They’re slowly killing me. 
All I think about is time. 

Only one year left till I graduate. 
Then I’ll have time.
Time to draw. 
Time to paint. 
Time to write. 
Time to travel. 

But will I? 

Money. 

Money makes the world go round. 
Money doesn’t in itself bring you happiness – I agree. 
But money brings you freedom. Financial freedom. And that can bring you happiness. 

Who doesn’t want to be free? 
Not be tied down because of financial reasons? 
Who doesn’t want to do what their heart desires, rather than what their economy needs. 

Money makes the world go round. 
Education brings in good amount of money. 
Education is a pain. 
No pain no game. 
No pain no gain. 

It’s an evil circle. That traps your soul… 

At least the soul of the creative ones. Here lies no safety. 
You can’t depend on money coming in from creativity – unless you’re lucky. 

“You have to have a ‘real’ education and a steady job” 

You have to pay your bills. 
You have to… 

Money is essential to surviving in this world we live in. 
Nothing is free. 

Seems like not even kindness is free anymore… 

What a world. 
What a life. 

All I think about now is time. 
I just want to finish my bachelor. Then figure out what I want. 
I’ll take a year off to work and figure things out. 

But I wonder… Will I find happiness? 
Will I have time? 
Will I have time to unfold artistically? 
Will I have time and opportunity to evolve artistically? 

Or will working drain me? 
Just as my studies do? 

Will I ever have time? 
Will I ever have the energy? 

“success is about dedication. You may not be where you want to be or do what you want to do when you’re on the journey. But you’ve got to be willing to have vision and foresight that leads you to an incredible end.”
- Usher 

 

I love this quote. It really puts words to my situation. Its perfect . I love it. 

At the moment this quote is what I’m thinking… I’m not where I want to be yet, but Im only on the journey to getting where I want… 

I have to do what I do now, to achieve what I vision later… 

That’s just reality. 

 

Love across borders?

My holiday fling… 

He’s like many of the guys I’ve met. And then again not really… He’s like the guys I’ve met but wasn’t attracted to… But whom I thought were sweet and would treat me well… 

I might’ve not known him for long. I might’ve only spent one day with him… 

But seriously… He makes me feel like I am the most amazing person on earth. At the same time I kinda fancy him. But I’m not 100% sure… How could I be anyway? 

I do want to see if there is anything. If there could be anything… 
So I’m going to go see him. Not sure when exactly in 2 weeks or in 1 month… I’m kinda excited. 
It will take me 1,5 hours by plane… And about an additional hour by car from the airport to him. 

Although he’s 5 month younger than me, I feel like he’s more like a man than most guys I’ve ever met. 
I think he’ll be my number 4. 

And number 3 is out. If he wants anything to do with me, he’ll have to work for it. I don’t care about him anymore. I won’t give him the light of the day. 

 

… Let’s see what life has planned for me… 

 

Pessimist or realist?

Maybe I’m a pessimist. Maybe … I’ve just lost all hope and belief in people.Or maybe I’m just real. Maybe my way of thinking is just realistic.… Though I can’t lie. Not having belief in people… It’s not nice. I want to believe in people, but I don’t…

I feel like the few times when you choose to believe someone… You just end up disappointed and wishing you had stuck to your usual – not believing anyone.

I’m not sure why…. But I feel weird.
It feels so weird. Everything happened so fast, everything ended so fast. I wish there had been more time.
I don’t know why. I just… The way he grabbed me. He grabbed me like a man, not a boy. I like it when someone grabs me like that. To stand their ground…

 

Perhaps the guy I’m putting my focus on is not the one I should be giving my time to…

 

The last guy I met at a club… Even he is ‘better’ than the guy I’m sort of letting take my time and mind.
He shows me more attention, replies, contacts… And when he kissed me… He too grabbed me around my waist in such a sexy way…

Love it when a man is a man. When he stand his ground. He knows what he wants. He gets what he wants. Gentle can be nice, but firm is amazing…
Yes. Firm turns me on. I love it when a guy takes the lead to. It’s like, just be a man. Be a fucking man…

 

I can’t fucking believe the guy that I’m talking to… My number 3.

I’ve had sex with him once. Well twice. Sort of.
He can’t fucking get a hard on. Now… when he’s been drinking he cant – I get that.

We made plans to meet. He still lives at home, his parents were going away a couple of days before I was going on holiday… So, the plan was for me to come to his home. I did. I wanted to have sex.
It took freaking ages, and he didn’t make a fucking move.
In the end I had to fucking kiss him to get something started.
Then I realized, shit I need to pee before doing anything.
I have this pee-orgasm-phobia thing going on too, but really… I had to pee.

So I went.

Then came back. Took like 2 minutes. His hard on was gone. Fine… BUT it wouldn’t fucking come back… Now that makes me wonder, does he have erection problems or does he not fancy me? I don’t fucking get it. Honestly I don’t.

I have never met a guy who wouldn’t want to do me… And here I am throwing myself at you, and no? … What?
Telling me I’m too fucking tight, why do I have to be so tight.
Whaaat? I’ve never heard a guy say that a girl was too tight… Can a girl really be ‘too tight’. He blamed me, saying it was because of that…

 

Fine I thought. I felt like it smelled a bit like he had had a bit to drink, but I didn’t say anything… I didn’t ask. I wasn’t sure, so I just didn’t talk.

We went to bed. I thought fine, in the morning then… I didn’t want to wake him. He knows I wake up before him, so he had told me to let him sleep.
So I did. 12 o’clock his alarm goes off, he wakes. Why didn’t you wake me? He asked. Because you said you wanted to sleep in? I replied.
Well I’m supposed to meet my friends at the beach at 1PM , you should’ve woken me up, he said.
In my mind I just thought what? Why the fuck did we plan to meet. If we were meeting at like 10-11PM at night, didn’t have sex, wake up… And part ways straight away? How the fuck does that make sense.
Why can’t you plan for us to be together? I was going to have to be at work at 4PM anyway… And even if so, why can’t you fuck me first at least… I just thought, is this guy serious?

 

So he got dressed, and we left.

Pretty fucking waste of my time and energy to even bother meeting with him.

I was so disappointed. But I didn’t say anything.

 

He drove me home.
Again, I had to fucking kiss him… It’s like he doesn’t like me, but why the fuck meet with me if he doesn’t like me.

I said, see you? He said yea. I replied, if you want to at least? … He laughed, yea if I want to.

 

I went inside.

 

The next day he texted me: have a nice holiday :)

I replied, thank you, but I’m not leaving until tonight. Just got done packing.

I know. Well that’s good. He replied.

Did you get in the water yesterday? I asked

Yea, he replied.

I didn’t really know what more I could say at this point… So I just wrote what I had in mind and said: man of few words :)

Yeaaaa, he replied.

I couldn’t understand… Why does he reply if he doesn’t care? And why are his replies so … not conversational if he does care?

I replied back, see you when I get home?

Yea we can do that (y) :) , he replied.

I thought, how the fuck do I break it to this guy… That I just want to have fucking sex….

So I wrote: well then I want a present.

Haha what? He replied

Yea I wrote, followed by the text: you (cheeky smiley) haha

I think he didn’t get the second message till after his reply which was: ‘haha as iiiiiiif’, but I don’t know

I replied, haha stingy, why not?

He replied, yea alright maybe, if you’re lucky.

Haha, playing so hard to get, I replied.

 

And that was that.

Honestly I don’t feel him. I don’t really feel like there is anything…

I’m so over it.

 

I think I’ll just start talking to that other guy instead… And perhaps the holiday fling…

 

Really … It’s ridiculous how hard I have to try… I don’t fucking need to try.

Anyone would want to have sex with me, and here we have this fucking guy… Jesus. Starting to question his sexuality. Wants to be with his friends all the fucking time. Dude aint even got 2 minutes. Not even that. He’s got me right there, and he didn’t even have sex with me… How is that even possible?
Not sure if I should feel bad about myself or if he’s the issue here.

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