Pessimist or realist?

by La femme timide

Maybe I’m a pessimist. Maybe … I’ve just lost all hope and belief in people.Or maybe I’m just real. Maybe my way of thinking is just realistic.… Though I can’t lie. Not having belief in people… It’s not nice. I want to believe in people, but I don’t…

I feel like the few times when you choose to believe someone… You just end up disappointed and wishing you had stuck to your usual – not believing anyone.

I’m not sure why…. But I feel weird.
It feels so weird. Everything happened so fast, everything ended so fast. I wish there had been more time.
I don’t know why. I just… The way he grabbed me. He grabbed me like a man, not a boy. I like it when someone grabs me like that. To stand their ground…

 

Perhaps the guy I’m putting my focus on is not the one I should be giving my time to…

 

The last guy I met at a club… Even he is ‘better’ than the guy I’m sort of letting take my time and mind.
He shows me more attention, replies, contacts… And when he kissed me… He too grabbed me around my waist in such a sexy way…

Love it when a man is a man. When he stand his ground. He knows what he wants. He gets what he wants. Gentle can be nice, but firm is amazing…
Yes. Firm turns me on. I love it when a guy takes the lead to. It’s like, just be a man. Be a fucking man…

 

I can’t fucking believe the guy that I’m talking to… My number 3.

I’ve had sex with him once. Well twice. Sort of.
He can’t fucking get a hard on. Now… when he’s been drinking he cant – I get that.

We made plans to meet. He still lives at home, his parents were going away a couple of days before I was going on holiday… So, the plan was for me to come to his home. I did. I wanted to have sex.
It took freaking ages, and he didn’t make a fucking move.
In the end I had to fucking kiss him to get something started.
Then I realized, shit I need to pee before doing anything.
I have this pee-orgasm-phobia thing going on too, but really… I had to pee.

So I went.

Then came back. Took like 2 minutes. His hard on was gone. Fine… BUT it wouldn’t fucking come back… Now that makes me wonder, does he have erection problems or does he not fancy me? I don’t fucking get it. Honestly I don’t.

I have never met a guy who wouldn’t want to do me… And here I am throwing myself at you, and no? … What?
Telling me I’m too fucking tight, why do I have to be so tight.
Whaaat? I’ve never heard a guy say that a girl was too tight… Can a girl really be ‘too tight’. He blamed me, saying it was because of that…

 

Fine I thought. I felt like it smelled a bit like he had had a bit to drink, but I didn’t say anything… I didn’t ask. I wasn’t sure, so I just didn’t talk.

We went to bed. I thought fine, in the morning then… I didn’t want to wake him. He knows I wake up before him, so he had told me to let him sleep.
So I did. 12 o’clock his alarm goes off, he wakes. Why didn’t you wake me? He asked. Because you said you wanted to sleep in? I replied.
Well I’m supposed to meet my friends at the beach at 1PM , you should’ve woken me up, he said.
In my mind I just thought what? Why the fuck did we plan to meet. If we were meeting at like 10-11PM at night, didn’t have sex, wake up… And part ways straight away? How the fuck does that make sense.
Why can’t you plan for us to be together? I was going to have to be at work at 4PM anyway… And even if so, why can’t you fuck me first at least… I just thought, is this guy serious?

 

So he got dressed, and we left.

Pretty fucking waste of my time and energy to even bother meeting with him.

I was so disappointed. But I didn’t say anything.

 

He drove me home.
Again, I had to fucking kiss him… It’s like he doesn’t like me, but why the fuck meet with me if he doesn’t like me.

I said, see you? He said yea. I replied, if you want to at least? … He laughed, yea if I want to.

 

I went inside.

 

The next day he texted me: have a nice holiday :)

I replied, thank you, but I’m not leaving until tonight. Just got done packing.

I know. Well that’s good. He replied.

Did you get in the water yesterday? I asked

Yea, he replied.

I didn’t really know what more I could say at this point… So I just wrote what I had in mind and said: man of few words :)

Yeaaaa, he replied.

I couldn’t understand… Why does he reply if he doesn’t care? And why are his replies so … not conversational if he does care?

I replied back, see you when I get home?

Yea we can do that (y) :) , he replied.

I thought, how the fuck do I break it to this guy… That I just want to have fucking sex….

So I wrote: well then I want a present.

Haha what? He replied

Yea I wrote, followed by the text: you (cheeky smiley) haha

I think he didn’t get the second message till after his reply which was: ‘haha as iiiiiiif’, but I don’t know

I replied, haha stingy, why not?

He replied, yea alright maybe, if you’re lucky.

Haha, playing so hard to get, I replied.

 

And that was that.

Honestly I don’t feel him. I don’t really feel like there is anything…

I’m so over it.

 

I think I’ll just start talking to that other guy instead… And perhaps the holiday fling…

 

Really … It’s ridiculous how hard I have to try… I don’t fucking need to try.

Anyone would want to have sex with me, and here we have this fucking guy… Jesus. Starting to question his sexuality. Wants to be with his friends all the fucking time. Dude aint even got 2 minutes. Not even that. He’s got me right there, and he didn’t even have sex with me… How is that even possible?
Not sure if I should feel bad about myself or if he’s the issue here.