Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

Am I too sensitive?

I don’t know… Sometimes I wonder if my bar is set too high… Or if I’m just too sensitive…

I want to be with someone who feels like myself. I want to be with someone who wants to spend as much time with me as I want with them…

It makes me sad honestly…

Luke is thinking about moving towards the end of the year… Maybe around summer even… So about that time we almost hit ‘1 year’ … We will have been together for a year around then…

Now… He wants to move, but the consequence is that the rent will be really high… Which mean – he can’t afford it on his own…
Now he’s telling me, that he and his good friend (and ‘business partner’) are thinking of moving together…

Am I too sensitive? I kind of think thats bull… Like why would you want to move in with your friend… Why not me?

Its really bad to compare… But somehow I was emotionally more satisfied in my old relationship – and thats why I can’t stop comparing… Whilst this one is more physically satisfying … It’s not really emotionally satisfying. I don’t feel like I’m getting enough love. Isn’t that weird? He talks so much about how wonderful and beautiful I am… About this and that. And that he loves me and bla… But why is it that I hear it – and believe it… But then after a while… I don’t see it or feel it…

Honestly … Maybe Im off… But I don’t think its bad to move in together after a year…

I get that … So far I’m still new in his life. The friends he has have been there for years… But the thing is, unless he invests more… Well then I won’t stick around for long… Lets be real.

I feel like I’m taken for granted. I really do. It’s not a nice feeling to be quite frank.

I’m really on the verge of giving up and walking away… Im on the verge of saying fuck everything.
Travel to the other side of the world, where I know someone… And see if there is anything there… And if there is… Then finish my studies completely and move there. Far, far away …

The fact that my thoughts have even wondered off to that kind of scares me.

One minute I’m telling myself I’m an idiot the next I’m thinking he’s the idiot. I can’t seem to make up my mind…

Its frustrating.

You’re supposed to be together a lot in the beginnings…

I don’t know if I’ll ever find love, since I feel like I’m always being used as a trophy …
So its hard for me to distinguish between that and someone who actually loves me…

The saddest thing is that the guy I’m dating – he doesn’t put me on top of his list, doesn’t even have to be number one… But my best friend does. And until he gets married, I think I always will. I know I come after his family and religious duties. But you cannot really come before that either, as a friend at least. I know if I was dating him, I’d be at least second, after family… If not even first, together with family…

I think my expectations of life, the world and people is killing me. I think it will ruin me… be the end of me.

I really want to lower my expectations – but its hard. Its hard to lower your expectations, especially when the bar set for them are based on what you do for others yourself. When its based on reflections of yourself.

Its hard to lower expectations of others that are set by no other bar than the reflections of yourself.

Im disappointed.
I think the only thing I ever want in life is to feel important to someone.
Like I’m a vital part of their life.

I once had this person. But the problem was that there was nothing else to it than that…
I don’t crave being loved only – I wan’t to love back equally…
So in reality… I crave the love I give… And thats my reality…
So perhaps my expectations and craving make me ‘too’ sensitive…

I don’t know? Am I being rational? or totally irrational and needy?

Will I ever be happy?

I do wonder … Perhaps even on a daily basis, if I will ever be happy… Will I ever be in love?

Oh how I really do love Luke … But … I don’t know. I doubt… I have so many doubts.

I just dont know …
I wonder if there was ever made someone for me out there…
I really do …

I feel so weird.

I feel so alone.

I’m scared I’ll never feel truly in love and satisfied.

Is it because I don’t know what I want? Or is it because I don’t have what I in fact need?
Will any man ever be enough? Or will I encounter the same thought/problems no matter what?
This is the thirds guy that I’ve kind of gotten close to… And it’s the same thoughts… I can’t seem to figure out what the hell I want and what the hell my problem is…

Is it because, I’m not happy about myself? …

I wish I had all the answers …

Upset.

It’s never about the people that are with you through the good times, it’s about those who are there through the bad.

Anyone and everyone can and want to be there when the sun is shining, but what about when the storm comes? When the sky turns grey and starts raining. When the wind comes and rages, and not much is left after. What about then?
That’s when you need someone, thats when it’s essential, that there’s someone to plant new seeds that will grow when the skies slowly disappear and the suns ray are welcome once more…

Today, Sunday February 1st 2015.
Dear Luke,
here’s a little view of the inside of my head, some thoughts… Things I can’t say, not now at least… Maybe I’ll never get to say it …
I’ve been with you the last 2 weeks, since you were injured. I came to the hospital, although it was far away from me and I didn’t have to… But I wanted to. I decided to stay in your home, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. To keep you company, since you couldn’t really go anywhere… To take care of you. I’ve cooked for you. Cared for you. Helped you.
Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, because I love you.
I basically put my life aside for you. There was training that needed to be done, which didn’t happen. I set it aside for you. Friends I was supposed to see, which I didn’t, I postponed. Things I had to do, but I didn’t, because I decided that being with you was more important…
I did it because I care.
I did it out of love.

Today.

Today I came home. Because tomorrow I have a job interview early morning. Because tomorrow I start my last semester.
Today I got some bad news and I’ve been down.
Two weeks. Two weeks is a long time of not doing anything, almost nothing. I’m on the verge. I’m glad that today was the last day of doing nothing, because quite frankly I can’t not do anything a day longer.

I’m upset. I’m upset about a lot of things…
I’m upset I haven’t worked out. I’m upset my body isn’t how I want it to be… That aside.
I’m upset about my current living condition, but I’m trying to deal best as possible.
I’m upset that life doesn’t always go the way I wish it would.
I’m upset that my so called friend, so called even best friend (girl) let’s name her Nora, is an asshole.
I’m upset that I generally don’t have that many people around me, as it seems as everyone else does.
I’m upset that I feel a little neglected by you.

I’m upset that you can find energy to go out with your friends, but you can’t with me. Now your friends might be able to pick you up by car and with me its bus or train… But you’re no longer in such bad shape that it’s impossible… Therefore I am upset.
I am upset that I’ve kind of made you my number one, but I’m not yours. I don’t feel like it anyway.

Friends are important. But so am I.
If you don’t invest enough, the payback won’t be great enough either. It really is like a financial investment. Only this one is emotional and perhaps lifelong.

I’m upset that I feel like I can’t talk to you. I want to. But I don’t feel like I can…

It upsets me how you talk and say the most amazing things, but I don’t always feel like you live up to the things you say.

Maybe we’ve spent too much time together where I’ve felt trapped… I don’t know…

Good to get a break.

But right now, I’m just upset with you…

Letter to Olly

Dear Olly,

I avoided you. I ignored your messages. I thought I didn’t care. I had someone else. I’m loyal.

Some circumstances today meant I had to communicate with you… It made me think. Oh boy. Why was I even having these thoughts… I cared so much for you. Still do , care about you.

Made me think of all your feelings that were involved … I feel bad. I’m sorry. But … I really did like you. Some circumstances just meant it wasn’t possible or meant to be. You’ve set your mark on me. I wont lie.

Our time together was pretty good. Im glad to have those memories. There has to be a reason why we meet the people That we do. I truly believe that. Having met you has made my life richer. Yes it has.

Why am I thinking of you right now? Is it because of our conversation? Or is it something else? I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted or needed. It wasn’t our time.

Maybe that’s what it’s all about … The time. In the end it might just be about time. Where we are mentally when we meet. If we’re somewhat the same place, then it’s the right time… I was ahead in time. So it wasn’t our time … I really wish you all of the best in life. I truly do. I wish you’ll do something with your life.

Best of luck to you Olly.

Damn you, Cold Feet!

A month ago I wrote a post about cold feet… Wondering if I was born with cold feet.

Honestly… I think I was. I’m not sure what it is. For some reason… I always go over things in my head. Wondering if everything is right. If I’ve made the right choice. Is this the right guy…
I keep thinking… Too many thoughts.

“Are we right for each other?”
“Can I live like this?”
“Can I live with him?”
“Could we make it?”
“Is he the one I will marry? Have kids with?”

I never seem to be able to set my mind straight. Im always thinking. Wondering.
Thinking about running before its too late. I want to be ahead. I want to know… I don’t know. I want to run before it becomes ‘too late’ before too many emotions are involved…
I don’t know why. But guys have to give me a reason to stay, because I will always – by instinct, find a reason to run. Always.

I have no idea where it comes from. I always seem to think of running…
I’m scared no one was ever made for me.
Scared.

Yes, Scared. That’s what I am.

I am scared… Doubtful.
I think. Too. Much.
And I can’t stop or help it. I just overthink all the time.

I don’t know. I guess maybe sometimes my standard is too high – my expectations… My imagination and expectation of ‘the perfect’ guy…
I think the issue is, I don’t even know what the hell I want myself.

I need friends. Maybe thats it. Maybe I just need friends that I can entertain myself with. So that my partner doesn’t become my everything… Although … I think that’s wrong too… Because your partner has to be your everything? Right? I mean how can you live with someone the rest of your life, unless they’re your everything. Not in an unhealthy sense, but more like… I don’t know.
Am I way off? Or really wrong?
I don’t know…
But… Damn you! Cold feet!

It’s been a while…

I’ve been really busy since the new year started.
A lot of things have been happening… Good and bad I guess.

Good, well me and Luke are good. It’s going well… He gave me a ring, a promise ring I guess. It’s kind of cute, yet kind of weird too. I dont know… I feel like rings are only for marital purposes, unless they’re big chunky fashionista rings. Like a big beautiful swarovski or like YSL or something like that, you know what I mean? … Anyway… My opinion on it. I feel like it’s a territorial kind of thing. For him to ensure that people know I’m taken… I’m not sure how I feel about that… At the same time I want people to know that I am taken without having to say so – because quite frankly I dont love it when guys hit on me. Why? Because 99.5% of the time I’m not interested… And when I am with someone I am 110% uninterested. So yea my opinion on it is kind of split…

Anyway so far so good. I mean so far we’re doing good. I can’t really foresee how things will be with us… Whether we’ll stick or not… I think we’re quite different, yet we have our similarities. I just think, as long as we treat each other right, then we might make it. I don’t think its based on how similar or different you are. It’s about the balance and about how you treat each other and how you make each other feel. It’s really about acceptance. Do you accept your partner for who and what they are?
Time will tell as I always say – although I would say so far its going really good.

Now to the bad…
Friends. Friends are sometimes the worst. Really… I mean some friends are just your friends because you’ve known them for so long… Not because they actually do shit for you. Really… I have a friend… I’ve known her for about 7 years… We weren’t close for 7 years, but we met around 7-7.5 years ago.
Anyway we started to really become friends around 6 years ago… Which is still quite long… I don’t have many friends – I’ll be honest. I don’t get along too well with most females. They just annoy me. I don’t know… I just hate fakeness, and many females are really fake… People in general are… But the thing with women is that, we just don’t get along too well… Because even before they know me, they dislike me… I don’t mean to sound arrogant or self-absorbed or anything as such – because I’m really not, but I think its because women are jealous of me… Therefor they dont like me, and therefore we don’t really get along. I don’t think women like a genuinely nice female who is not obese or ugly… Nor dumb.
Also a lot of people are just too ‘stupid’ for my liking… I mean I just can’t deal with people that are retarded or really unintelligent… I don’t want to sound like a complete asshole – but it’s the truth. I just don’t have the patience or nerve…
So who do I get along with? Guys.
Issue here is that I get along really well with guys. But I’m still a woman and they’re still men. In the end they always fall for me. Which is bad. Because when single I am not interested… And when I am taken, its inconvenient and inappropriate…

So yea, point being – my circle of friends is limited. I have friends, but not many whom I like to actually hang out with… I have a handfull of friends. But in the end I really only have one friend. One friend that I can always count on. That friend is a guy.
A guy who used to be in love with me, I’m sure he still is, and perhaps may always be.
Because of his religion he can’t have me – thank god. Because I am not interested at all. He’s not my type in that way, so I am glad there are other things that keep us apart on that level … Anyway , this is not what’s ‘important’ here. I went off topic… My friend (girl) whom I’ve been friends with for 6 years…
Oh what kind of drama I’ve had with her. She’s only my friend because I’ve known her for so long. She’s selfish and manipulating. She only cares about her and her needs and she will never take the blame for her mistakes.
I’ve given this girl so many chances, so much time and energy… I’ve given her a lot. All I’ve ever gotten back is shit…
I know , why not just cut her off? I don’t know … I mean I don’t need her in my life, but sometimes its nice to have someone to hang out with… Thats it…
But I’m done, I’m done being her friend. Im sick and tired of her. I don’t need someone who doesn’t appreciate the things I do for them…
She’s a complete ass. Haven’t talked to her for 2 weeks or so… I’m done.
And when Im done, Im done. If she wants to hang out or anything, she can contact me. I don’t need her…

I don’t need negative energy in my life… I just want to be in peace and happy. I feel like she always needs to be a dick. I think she’s someone that doesn’t wish to see me happy… I wish to see her happy, but Im not sure she feels like that on my behalf…

Anyway , I just needed to rant a little…

*Rant done*

My goals are to not have people get me down. Especially people that don’t deserve my time or friendship. Especially someone that hasn’t brought anything positive to my life. I won’t let people bring me down. Thats something that I will work on. I dont want to let people have influence on my mood and life.

No one but I , should have influence on my mood.
I seek happiness, I will try my best to make it happen, no one who’s not important is going to stand in the way of that…

Happy new year! 2015!

Hope everyone entered the new year well!

Now as far as new year resolutions go… I don’t do that kind! It’s ridiculous – to me.

Whenever I have a goal or anything as such, I just do it. I don’t need a new year to set goals. A new year is just – a new year. You grow older. Seasons start over. You celebrate the fact that the year has come to an end… And that a new one is starting. NYE is not that special to me anymore … You kind of grow out of thinking that it is? At least I have …

anyway! Happy new year.

Hope 2015 will be a great year – for all of you , and myself :) !

Was I born with cold feet?

… Now, my feet tend to get cold really easy – literally. My feet. They need to be kept warm. Once they go cold they take quite a lot to get warm … I am really literally talking about my feet right now.

So lets talk about a different type of cold feet… I really do think I love Luke. He makes me happy. He makes me more positive. He adds to me. He takes but he also gives. I really like that. That he can give me something back. He’s considerate. He’s generous. He’s just overall really good to me.

When we’re together – I’m not in doubt.

When we’re apart… I think. Too much. I start to feel like I’m getting cold feet. At least when we’re apart.

One issue is comparing. I need to stop doing that…
Comparing our relationship to others… How they are. What they do.

Why should I anyway? Our relationship is great. He treats me well…

But … I don’t know. I’m just scared I guess…

He’s meeting my family. Did I mention that? I forgot if I did or not… That’s not a small deal. It’s a big deal. A pretty big deal… Only guy that has ever been introduced to my family was my ex.

So … Yea.

I just don’t get it. Am I scared to be happy? What am I scared about?
Getting attached then dumped? In conjunction with that, becoming happy and then for my world to fall apart? I’m not sure… Really.

I would love to know. But sometimes I do wonder what it is … That makes me sometimes kind of get cold feet. It’s not the same type of cold feet that I used to get. Because before I wasn’t in doubt that it wouldn’t work… Now it’s more like because I’m scared I’m not good enough … My flaws. I feel full of them. I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m not perfect enough…
It’s weird. But I really feel like … I’m scared to get too attached. Because I know he will become my world. Which is such a bad ‘habit’… or thing, that I’ve done before. And I don’t think it’s something I can ‘not do’.
I’m scared he’ll become my everything.
I would love to spend time with him all the time… But I’m scared he wouldn’t want to. I’m scared he might not like me as much as I like him … or no… I’m sure he does.
Maybe I’m scared he might not be or get as attached as I will…

I’m not sure what it is …

Maybe it’s because I like him a lot – and I know it.

Maybe I’m just scared to love…

Maybe this goes back to my childhood… Maybe I’m scared to love because I used to love my stepdad, but he didn’t love me back …
Maybe I’m scared to love because I loved my mother, but at one point I felt like she didn’t love me back…

Maybe it’s because of being hurt from the most important people in my life. The ones that were supposed to love and protect me … Maybe its the hurt and let down from them …

I think there’s a reason in all of our pasts for the way we do things and think…
Maybe this is one of the roots to me being scared of love… I’m not sure.

I really like him. I don’t want to screw things up…

Time will show what happens next. Wherever the road takes me… I will either gain a partner, maybe for life … Or I’ll gain the experience. No matter what I gain something. I don’t lose. Essentially that is … The only thing is, I will either gain something with happiness or something with temporary sadness…

The three golden words.

The three golden words: “I Love You”.

They take up so little space in writing, but so much space in your heart and mind.

Now with guy no. 4 aka Olly, he told me that he loved me. Several times. And I told him several times that I couldn’t say it back … So I would just smile and say nothing. I didn’t want to say it just to say it and I wasn’t sure of the feeling either. Plus – I wasn’t ready to commit to him either – so why would I say that I love him … So I didn’t. I dont regret not saying it, I’m happy I didn’t say it just to say it… I think thats wrong. Talking about that guy now – he texted me saying ‘merry christmas’… I didn’t reply. Nor open the message – so he couldn’t see that I’ve seen it. I’ve deleted his number, deleted him from instagram and snapchat. The only place I haven’t deleted him is on facebook.  Anyway … Enough about him.

I am talking about “I Love You” now because Luke told me he loves me. A couple of days ago that was…
I feel so intensely about him if you can say that… And I was wondering if saying ‘I love you’ was too early. So I never said it. Because … Yea… You’re always careful about those kinds of things?

Anyway … I told him I was really fond of him… So he said, “you’ve told me you’re fond of me, you really really like me, is there anything else you want to say?” …

I laughed, “maybe”.

Now I don’t remember exactly how this next part went down… But he said something like, I would say I love you, but Im waiting for the time when you’re ready.

And I asked, what do you mean when I’m ready?

Well I dont want you to freak out or anything like that.

And I replied, I am ready, dont worry.

“Well… I love you”. He said.

I kissed him. I was really happy. I realized though I didn’t say I love you back. I don’t know why I didn’t. I kind of forgot because I was just in the moment. Remembering five minutes after that I didn’t say it back… I couldn’t say ‘oh btw I love you too’ .. That would’ve just killed it. I did tell him in text though, I hope he didn’t notice that I actually didn’t get to say the words ‘I love you too’ … But perhaps he did.. Oh well. Small details. But stupid! So stupid. I feel like I ruined it.
Ruined because I always seek perfection. But life isn’t perfect. So I just have to deal with it.

But I guess this means that we’re ‘an item’ ‘a couple’ ‘a pair’ ‘an us’ … Although we haven’t officially DTR yet… Not in direct words at least… Oh well. Who cares. We’re together and happy. That’s all that matters.

He’s meeting my family in a week – for NYE dinner.
Can’t wait to see how it will be, what my family will think and what he’ll think of my family … Kind of nervous too. He’s only the second person I’ll ever have brought home…

As I always say – Time Will Tell.

I really hope Time Will Tell me , or rather reassure me that he’s my one.
I don’t know why, but I just feel like he should be my life partner.
I am content, I am happy with him … I don’t feel like I need to look further for anyone else. I mean, I feel like he’s enough … Right now at least. For my own sake I hope that won’t change.
I could picture us being happy together ‘forever’… I hope I don’t change my mind. Which is one of the fears I have – because that’s how I am …
But… Just the fact that I feel like this already makes me think this is not like any other situation or guy or relationship … This is something different. So I think. So I wish to believe.

Let’s see … Time will tell.

Paris – the city of romance

“I’m thinking we should go to Paris in the new year. I wanted to do it as a surprise, but I’m thinking that might be a bad idea because of work and studies.”

“Wow :o” I replied. “Yes it would’ve been bad, especially with work – since they’re not flexible at all.”

“Great to know! That’s what I thought. I’m thinking we should go for 3-4 days, I’ll find the dates till then.”

“I am speechless” I replied “I can’t believe you. You’re amazing. You keep surprising me all the time. Just like when you randomly showed up at my door with a big bouquet of flowers.”

“Yea, well I just felt like it that day. I’m glad it made you happy, good surprises are priceless.”

OMG!

Is this guy even real?

Am I dreaming?

What’s going on?

He’s amazing. He puts in so much effort… I’ve never experienced that. I love that. I really do. I feel like a queen. I hope this never ends. If he’s gonna be like that forever… I think we would get that happy ever after ending.

I am usually the one that puts in the effort – too much effort. The one that treats the man like a king. I cook, clean and all sorts. For once someone is putting in the effort for me. Just for ME. It brings tears to my eyes. I feel loved. I feel like for once I am not just a trophy. I feel appreciated.

I love this feeling. <3

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