Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

Dont let the alcohol talk.

So yesterday I had one drink too many, and I was feeling bold as hell.
Now I was nowhere near drunk, not even that tipsy. Another drink and I would’ve been tipsy.
But, it’s like alcohol makes you so bold and brave and honest?

Its awful. And yet?
I was extremely close to telling Eric that we should just stop this thing/game right now.
I think he’s falling in love, because everytime we’re together, he tells me that he thinks he’s missed me, and that he prefers my company to other females…
I don’t really know how I feel about that. But I still have an urge to soon let it out, that we should stop.

But do I want it to stop? No… I don’t think so.
But would it be the right thing? Yes, probably.
We’re in two very different places in our lives, it won’t work no matter what.
“I wish I had met you in 3-4 years time”…
But… You didn’t. You met me now. There must be a reason for everything.
And, well mate, I’m 3 years older than you, and hopefully in 3-4 years I’ll already be in a relationship thats not all that new and fresh – because I would love to have kids or at least be pregnant in about 5 years time…

I know this is a bad idea, I know that the alcohol was trying to make me do the right thing.
Instead we had sex. This time it wasn’t as bad as the others.
We honestly don’t even really know one another…
Do we need to?

I don’t know where this is going, or if I want it to go where it is.
I definitely know, he’s triggering some very bad things in me. My old patterns, the needy ones, the ones that can’t stand to be alone.
Or perhaps I’m confusing that with the excitement of just having someone to cuddle with?

I know it’s not right. The age thing fucks everything up a lot, but he’s such a nice person.
He’s very sweet. I’m sure he’ll make someone very happy one day, I just don’t think It’ll be me… We’re at two very different places, much of which has to do with age.

I don’t know.
I’m confused…

To top it off, my friend is trying to hook me up with a man twice my age. Jesus, I know I’m being quite YOLO, but I think this might be topping off the YOLO mountain.
Lord, I don’t even think he looks attractive in that one photo I’ve seen… Gosh.

Let the wind take me.

The Rabbit Lover

Don’t get attached.
Don’t let emotions get away with you.
Don’t let old patterns influence you.
Yes, because Dear, there are no real emotions here. The only thing I feel is fear. And all these emotions of needing someone to cling on to.
No honey, no.

So, Eric.
He says he can feel that he’s missed me, and that its not good. I agree. That’s not good. Because when I said I was afraid it would end bad, I meant I was afraid for his heart – not mine. Although I let him believe it was the other way around, since he thinks he’s got himself all sorted, so be it.
Anyway. Do I ever miss him? Feel all lovey dovey?
Truth is, no. No I don’t. I honestly don’t feel anything. He’s just another person I can project things onto, another person to keep me busy and disconnected.
That’s it.
That’s the truth. That’s as real and honest as it gets.
I couldn’t be more honest with myself right now.
I think I am feeling things, but I’m not. With him I guess it’s a competition really, nothing else.
I’m an ass for that I guess. Because if I wanted to be decent, for me and him, I would end it and break it off. But that’s not the case… So I’ll wait until he does it, or I get tired I guess.
What I feel are not genuine feelings, its just about possession and distraction and being in charge really. I want to be in charge of the situation, the fact that neither one of is committed is what makes it exciting. But after that, who cares? I don’t.

Do I truly enjoy his company, not really. He’s just there, but I don’t really feel excited about it.
And the sex? Haha. Gee. It’s bad. We’ve had sex like twice, I’ve been on my period after the second time, thank god. Guys that fuck like rabbits – they need to get a grip. That’s not my thing. Neither is doggy, I don’t get that much stimulation.
Apart from that, I thought his penis was bigger, when I felt it before we ever had sex, I thought it was big. But maybe I just fooled myself.
He doesn’t feel big, not bigger than my ex, Luke, at least.

Honestly, I just need to find a guy that delivers good sex.
Yes I said it. I need a decent fuck-buddy. Hell, we all got needs – so do I.
I feel like one needs to interview guys before having sex, to assess whether or not they’re worth a shot. Jesus.
Okay, well at least I can cross off having had sex with someone ‘a lot’ younger than me. 3 years isn’t THAT little. Man, I cant get over that rabbit hump thing, Jesus Christ, is he having a wank or whats going on… I can’t help but laugh when I think about it.
Who has sex like that, does it even qualify as sex? Really? Gosh.

Well. I guess I’m more of a sensual lover.
I don’t have a specific liking as such.
I like missionary, sometimes semi-fast… Sometimes slow and hard.
I like the cowgirl and I like ‘girl on top’.
I pretty much just like it, as long as I feel something and some stimulation to the clitoris – I don’t think that’s abnormal…

Anyway, so that’s that.
Lets see what happens.

The taboo revolving sex

It’s something I’ve always wondering. Something I’ve always thought about…

I have to be honest and say my opinion has changed a lot over the last many years.

I lost my virginity when I was 17. To be exact, I was 17 turning 18 in a few months – so almost 18.

I remember back then, sex was this big thing. This huge, sinful, dirty and undoable thing. Sex is still and will always be undoable.

But I just remember thinking, oh how important it would be for me to marry this person, and that we should be together forever. Because what an accomplishment it would be to only have been with one person, right?
Back then I thought that was important.

I even remember how I felt after having sex. I felt used. I felt dirty. I felt like I was no longer special. I felt like now, everyone knew. I felt really bad. I think I somehow had a bit of a conflict with myself and my identity as well.
It took me quite a while before those thoughts went away. But I remember the first week or two, perhaps it was more, I felt like this. I felt absolutely horrible about myself.

But for what reason?
Okay, perhaps, without lying. I might’ve not been quite ready just yet.
But then again, if it wasn’t then, would it have been ever? Because are you ever truly really ready? Well some people are at one point, but don’t get me wrong.

Anyway, now it’s not that I want to say its not beautiful to only have had sex with the person you marry. Not at all.
Because there are of course pros to it, as well as cons.
The pros are the fact that, lets say it goes both ways with the virginity, its an amazing experience you’ll have together. And its one of those things in life that you can NEVER experience with anyone else – and that’s beautiful. It’s a very intimate and exposed moment.
Then in terms of jealousy. Sometimes its difficult to think about the fact that the person you like so much and are lying with now, has done this with others. It kind of makes it feel less special – but that’s because you’re overthinking.
But I wont lie, this is a thought that I’ve had several times with several people. You always wonder, right? How am I? How was the last one? Who was the best? Etc.
But sometimes this one is a bit of a double standard thought, because what about yourself? You think about the people the other person has been with, but if you weren’t a virgin before this person, then you really have nothing to say. In general you have nothing to say, because the past is the past.
But this is one of the cons of having more than one sexual partner in your life, so therefore it’s a pro to wait until marriage.

Now there are always pros and cons. This is also why I don’t believe than one choice is better than the other.

The cons of only having one sexual partner throughout your life is curiosity. Whilst many wont admit to it, I will.
After some years with my first boyfriend, I wondered – What else is out there?
How is it to have sex with someone else?
Is it all like this?
What about someone with a larger penis? Maybe that would feel better / more exiting.
Maybe someone experienced etc etc.

You don’t know much about sex if you’ve only been with one person – of course you can explore and learn together – but still.

Also, you might always wonder if it’s the same no matter who it is, or if there’s better sex out there.

And to be honest, usually there is – and sometimes there isn’t.

I call this one major con of no sex before marriage. Because it might also encourage adultery.

I don’t believe sex is sinful.
I don’t believe sex is always bad.

It’s about making a decision that you wont regret. So just like so many other things, you have to make up your mind.
Do it and deal with it, take whatever outcome there is.
Or don’t, and don’t deal with any possible hurt that might follow.

Stand by your decision no matter what. In the end its your body. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do or what is best, because honestly there’s pros and cons to both choices.
And there’s always pros and cons to everything, so you just have to do what feels right to YOU, not anyone else. Don’t make decisions based on what other people do or say, trust your own gut and feelings.
You have a mind of your own, don’t let society think for you, think for yourself.

So yea, basically I went from thinking that sex was such a horrible and filthy thing and always worrying about my number of sexual partners… To now thinking that it doesn’t matter. As long as I feel fine with it, as long as I did it because I wanted to, then I have nothing else to worry about.

Its my life, my body, I can do as I please.
Do I think sex without feelings is pleasurable? No, not at all.
Do I make wrong decisions sometimes? Yes.
Sometimes I also just challenge myself to be honest. I take some decisions without much thought, just to see how it is, deal with it, and learn from it.
It makes me a wiser person, and better equipped for the future etc.

Number 6


Its like I repeat history sometimes…

What’s wrong with me.

I think I have a lot of hidden emotions and different things, that has nothing to do with the case, trigger feelings.

So yea, number 6. Lets get at it.

Yes Eric. Why? I honestly don’t know.

Know that feeling sometimes when you do something, just to do it?

Well that’s why and what.

I don’t even know why. I don’t even have genuine feelings for him.

I think Im just playing a game, perhaps with myself.

I can’t figure things out. So I’m doing a lot of stupid things.

Now I’m restless. Sleepless. He was just lying there next to me texting.
I was wondering who. I don’t really feel like he’s someone I can trust.

So it’s not exactly like I could relax or even sleep. Looking at the ceiling like my company wasn’t even present…

To be quite honest I just want to be an ass, and ask him to leave.

But I feel like I cant, even though I want to.

Oh yea, by the time I’m having these thoughts, we hadn’t really had sex. Because he was having some erectile dysfunction.

It was until he could feel something was wrong, he asked me what was wrong. It took me ages to tell, but he wouldn’t let it go.

So I told him, a few of my many thoughts.
I said, I feel weird. About this. Like what are we even doing?
You’ve been staying over almost every night, it might just become a bad habit.
His response was, well we don’t have to hang out as often if you don’t want to.
No that’s not what I meant. I don’t mean that I don’t like it, here and now… I’m just thinking about the consequences.

What do you mean? That we’ll like each other a lot, and one of us might get hurt. That one of us being you.
I didn’t want to be an ass and say that which one of us would get hurt was uncertain, so I just said yea. Making it sound as if I am the one whose afraid to get hurt.
And honestly I’m more afraid of getting attached, but also the consequence if I lose interest all of a sudden. But maybe I’m being naïve once again, maybe he doesn’t really care as much as I think he does.
Maybe he’s just out for one thing, and although I hate to say it, it’s sex.
I hate the thought of being used… But in the end, I put myself in this situation, no one else. So in the end, if this is the outcome, its my fault and no one else’s.

But the weird thing was it seemed to make him happy, like he was thinking I have feelings for him. Like a relief, because maybe he has feelings. At the same time, honestly, I have no clue. I’ve been fooled before, so this time might not even be any different… I guess we’ll see.
I should just not put anything into it, I think its more of a pride thing than a feeling thing.
I’m just latching onto guys for other things, I think. So I’m pretty sure it’s not at all for the right reasons.

… What the hell am I even doing?

I have no clue myself…

I wish for once I could just lay back and enjoy life and whatever comes my way. Here and now.

I overthink, I know, but I cant help it. It’s not like I exactly enjoy thinking as much as I do. Because I know its excessive thinking without reason.
I worry too much…

Oh well, life, take me where I’m supposed to go.

If you only knew…



Honestly, I don’t know why so many weird things are happening…
Let’s take it from an end.

I went out Saturday, we ended up at a cocktail bar place where Matt was… Yes Matt. For those of you who don’t know, Matt was my number 2 – when it comes to sex.
And the whole experience and situation with him was quite unpleasant, but I ignored it and pretended nothing ever happened. Also because we work at the same place, so I didn’t want it to be awkward as well as I didn’t want anyone to know.

So whatever, the girl that I was with has a pretty shitty day. She just found out that her BF has been a complete jerk in the last past years where they’ve been together as well. Its a complicated relationship, but long story short he’s been lying and cheating. So she was badly hurt and broke it off with him… To top it off, she found out that her other ex was sleeping with her very good friend. While he was still with her or not is unclear. Either way, you don’t touch your friends boyfriend or exboyfriend – no matter what he was at the time they were having an affair… Pretty sick day for her.
She felt let down and as a laughingstock and her day was pretty shit.

Now, she thinks that Matt is extremely hot. And she wanted to ‘do him’ as she said.

Matt has a girlfriend, still.

Blah blah, after the cocktail bar we went to her place for champagne and talking…
She began to say a lot of indirect things, but it didn’t take much to figure that she wanted him to bang him.
By then I was like, jesus I have to leave now… It was getting really uncomfortable…
So I did, and I knew what was going to happen next… I wanted to stop it, but they’re two adults, so nothing to do.
She said earlier, when she was talking about wanting to bang him, that she wouldn’t out of respect to his girlfriend. But what happened? hah.
People are selfish, and they don’t give a fuck about anyone else.
So that was PART of my weird weekend…

Now what else could I have possibly have experienced?
It’s actually only been 2 weeks since I broke up with Luke, although it feels like it was longer.
I feel sorry for him.
Last time I heard from him was the friday of that week we broke up… He told me to have a great weekend bla bla.

Okay, so… He messaged me Saturday (yes I had a bizarre Saturday), asking me how I was.

I was out for dinner at the time, so I couldn’t be bothered to answer him.

25 minutes later…

Second message comes in, where he says, okay it is what it is, I hope you’re doing well. I’ll leave you alone then.

25 minutes isn’t long, really. It’s like he’s been counting seconds.

Now in the morning, maybe about 9 hrs later, I thought I’d message him back.
It was because, after the second message, I didn’t really know what to reply to him… It was a little weird.
Anyway I decided not to be silent.

Maybe my message wasn’t the sweetest, but either way, I was kinda amused by the fact that he sent not one but 2 messages. If I were him I wouldn’t have sent the second one.
Because it was as if he was having a conversation with himself, maybe if I hadn’t answered him for many hrs, then I would understand why the second message would be sent.
Anyway, I told him, funny how you’re having a conversation with yourself… im good, how about you?

And he didn’t answer me.
But I knew he was awake and had seen it, because my colleagues told me he was at my workplace. He probably wasn’t there solely for me. But when he extended his stay to 3 hours, then I would imagine it was because he was hoping to ‘bump’ into me. I guess he didn’t know, I wouldn’t be in until 1 hour after the time he left… Really weird.

So he still didn’t message me yesterday.
Until now, this morning he wrote: good morning, nice to hear (that I am well). Everything is good here too, thank you.

Then he wrote: the good times, and sent me an old picture of me as well as an old screenshot of a conversation.

Then he wrote even better, and sent me a picture from the very beginning of our relationship.

A few minutes after that he wrote:
I don’t understand why you FIRST left me, THEN the day after explain to me it wasn’t all my fault… Why…

I haven’t answered him, dont know if I will… Dont know if I should.
We’ll see, for now at least – I won’t.

I think it’s kind of weird how he’s obviously (conclusion is based on other things as well) ‘suffering’. He’s obviously thinking a lot about me and us.
And he hasn’t moved on a bit…

Then there’s me.

It’s kind of weird…

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Empty feeling

“I don’t feel anything”, but I feel empty. So that too is a feeling? Or no? …

Either way, what the hell am I doing? Yes I’m single. But why am I getting ‘involved’ with these guys. It’s not gonna end well. I can feel it… There’s no way in hell it will end well. Why? Because I know that they both dream of some sort of future thing, I know they both have some expectations or hopes of some kind… Even if they wont admit – they’re already in my web. My unintentional web that is. At least for one of them.

Oh gosh. I don’t wish to have a relationship… I know Eric is dreaming of this though, because he said that he likes me way too much compared to how long he’s known me… Not good… NOT GOOD.

My focus right now: me.

I cant keep giving into my old habits. The habit of doing things just to please others. I just cant. I cant keep giving them what they want just to please them. God how I dread the ‘date’ on this coming Thursday already… Fuck.

If he makes a move… I’ll just have to be straight about it. It is what it is…

Why am I always so scared? At this moment I don’t have anything to lose… So what’s the problem…?

Man oh man.

Literally I guess…

I need to feel like I got ‘ME’ together, before anything else.

I just don’t know how I feel right now… Or what I feel to be quite honest.

Once again, my life is a mess. Which I feel like it sort of always is… Not exactly a great feeling.

I just don’t know.

They should both know that right now, is not the time for any of the things they have in mind. Right? They should be smart enough to know, since I just came out of a relationship…

But my experience with guys is that they need you to cut things out and be 100% straight before they get it… But when it comes to this, they should know right?

My god.

I’ll leave it to time. Like I always do… Time will tell and time will show.

Love is difficult. Single life FTW at the moment…

So… Last time I posted was months ago…

In fact, funny enough, exactly 4 months ago…

So, what has happened in these months? Wow… You have no idea. Well of course you don’t, but … A lot.

A lot has happened. Looking back at my posts I see how unhappy I’ve been for months… Problems with Luke and I seem to date back to March… Really taking its turns in April and having me feel lost by May.

End April. That’s when I feel it was. By end of April I was feeling like this wasn’t going to work. The picture I had been too quick to paint wasn’t drying like it should, in fact the paint was dripping and smothering and the picture that I started off with wasn’t how it ended up looking.

He was the prince on the white horse. He was McDreamy. He was. WAS. Yes, that’s how our story started off, but it wasn’t long after he knew he had me that things started to change.

I put it off. We had already booked our summer holiday etc., so I kept wishing. Hoping. Giving it more time. Too much time.

In the end when we came home from the holiday, I had finally had enough.

But still, I put it off… I hoped things would change. But they didn’t, so last Monday I finally quit.

I broke it off. He said he agreed, did he though? I kind of doubt it. I think he knows he’s not good enough for me.

He didn’t treat me well.

And honestly I feel sorry for him. He’s just not mature enough yet, or grown. He has a lot of growing up to do as well as soul searching.
Soul searching we all need though.
And I’m surely on that journey.
But yea, so I finally decided to just stop. I didn’t have any answers when I asked myself, why do you keep postponing? Do you even love him anymore?
I realized that I didn’t know why I was postponing, and in fact, no, I didn’t love him anymore. I cared for him, but I didn’t love him.

When we had sex, I didn’t enjoy it… Why? Because there was no love and passion. I would tear up the last couple of times, because I would think back to when it used to be good. When there were so many feelings involved. Sex without feelings is just… I don’t know… Not really enjoyable.

So I realized that I was hanging on to him for a lot of wrong reasons. It wasn’t for him, it was for all sorts of other things.

The thought of being alone etc.

But then I realized, he hasn’t been there for me… So I wouldn’t be more alone than I usually am…

Sure it was difficult on the day that we broke up… And the day after. But by Wednesday I had cried it all out, and I was fine with it – so I think.

Even now, I don’t really care. And I am in no way interested in going back – no way. I just want to focus on myself and hell, do whatever the hell I WANT.

For once, be truly independent and say fuck love. I DON’T NEED A MAN.

And let me just underline this – this is not me being cliché. No in fact, what I mean by this is, I don’t need another person to define me. To give me the love I need etc. I need to find this within myself.

The time is now.

And honestly I feel fine not having a significant other right now. Because the only person I need to focus on is myself. The only person I need to be giving my love to is myself. Because if I cant love myself, how can I love someone else? It all starts within.

… Now to a different thing.

That Monday seemed to be the turning point of my life this year.

I finally broke up and got rid of the burden on my shoulders.

Meanwhile I got served by a cute young guy at a bar the same day.

And… I ran into an old friend of mine which I haven’t talked to since the beginning of the year, because we apparently had a misunderstanding.

How weird is that?

So… The guy, lets call him Eric, he found me on Facebook… And since then we’ve been talking. He’s younger than me. A few years actually.

Funny thing is that I think he’s so cute and ‘innocent’. Because he’s younger.

Do I fancy him, well … Honestly I don’t know.

I think he’s sweet, but I know he likes me a whole lot more than I do.

To me he’s like a little boy, guys are not as mature as women… And then a guy that’s younger than me, well go figure. Not that I’ve seen him be immature yet. But… He’s so sweet and careful. That ‘young feeling’. Does that make sense? Or am I totally crap at explaining myself, haha.

Anyway, so he’s come to my house like 4 days in a row I think? Or maybe its more… Anyway, lets say 4, and out of the 4 he slept over 3.

Nothing happened. We only first kissed the second time he slept over. And that’s it. I don’t feel like having sex to be honest, and I don’t think I will just yet.

Anyway, he keeps wanting to come. And I don’t really care, but I’m scared he might be falling. His young sweet heart that doesn’t know any better…

And I’m not interested in a relationship anytime soon. Really.

I’m all in for being single for at least 1-2 years.

But he’s very sweet and cute. But I don’t feel in love or bubbly or nervous, nothing like that. But I know he does, because he can’t sleep when he’s next to me… I know that feeling, but I don’t feel that way. I’m not in touch with any type of romantic loving feelings… Not at all. I don’t think anyone, anytime soon can make me fall or feel in love. Seriously. I’m just way past that at the moment…

So yea, that’s him … And then there’s another guy from my university…

Lets name him Mark, well he’s also very into me… And it was pretty crazy, he wanted to kiss and I honestly didn’t feel like it. I just wasn’t ready. We were at a uni party at a bar, and he was a bit drunk. I wasn’t really.

So yea he wouldn’t let off and in the end he got his kiss. But that was it.

So Thursday we’re gonna have dinner together. Homecooked.

Sounds romantic, but its not gonna be.

Am I scared? YES. Why? Because I feel like I’m getting in trouble with these two guys. I’m not interested in anything. And whilst I’ve told this to Mark, I haven’t had the heart to say this to Eric… Because… I just can’t. I would feel like I was being a bitch and I don’t want to be like that. I mean, he should know… But I’m sure he doesn’t… I don’t know how to break it to him, but I will have to at some point…

So basically we’re back to the chaotic single life again.

It’s so easy to get guys honestly, I have no problem with that.

Which is also why I always get myself into deep shit.

Let’s see how this all unfolds. One thing is for sure, I feel like the single life will be more fun for me than the last relationship I had. FREE TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.

I need that.

Updates will be coming…

Not to mention – 4 months is a long time, so flashbacks will probably be posted too.

I haven’t even gotten around to everything that has happened – this is just the guy ‘drama’.

Letter to my ex

Dear ex,

I think about you from time to time.

No, I don’t feel anything romantic towards you.
But in the end… It was five years ago that we started dating.
We were together for 3,5 years out of those five.
Then friends for 1 year after our break up.
So we’ve been in one another’s lives for 4,5 years out of those 5.

It’s been weird… I’ve adjusted though… To not having you in my life anymore.

I looked at some messages – but accident. Seems like they haven’t been completely deleted from my PC but stored in no-mans-land somewhere… Anyway…

I just realized… How mean I was sometimes.
How angry I was…
And honestly I am so sorry…

I truly am.
What an awful person I was.

I wasn’t happy. And I felt like it was your fault.
Thats where the anger came from.

We never talked like real people or adults.
We never gave it a chance to fix things the right way.

We were both trapped in our minds.

With our stupid mindsets…

I don’t know…

In the end I wasn’t turned on by you either.
But perhaps that came from the anger and unhappiness…

Who knows. Maybe even we’ll never know…

Sometimes it bothers me that I can’t tell you these things…

Because honestly … I want to say that I am sorry.
And explain myself… So you can understand everything.

You were a good guy.
Yes there were some really bad things too…

But shit. I wasn’t that much better myself. At least not towards the end.
Full of anger. I could feel it through my messages.
I would lash out for no reason at all. No sane reason, that is.

I’m really sorry.

I am sorry I couldn’t be the one you fell in love with or give you the love you wanted.
And I told you this many times.
And I am sorry you weren’t the one I fell for in the end either.
I am sorry for the way things ended.
I am sorry for not being honest.
I am sorry for protecting you too much, and therefore forgetting the real issue.
Which was that talking was the way forward.
Instead I kept quiet.
And hate started building up inside me.
Which lead to me blaming you and then leaving you…

I’m truly sorry.

Time waits for no man.

It sure doesn’t !

Its been awhile since I last posted…

I don’t know. I’ve been busy I guess…

Mid november… December… January… Heck even february was great.

Since then its sort of just been going downhill…

Love and Luke.
I don’t know.
I mean … The love I had for him… In the past two weeks… It has disappeared.
Sort of …
I mean… I Think I still love him.
But … I’m not IN LOVE.

I dont have that bubbly feeling. Excitement.
I used to want to be with him all the time.

But now I don’t mind it, I don’t mind being alone.
I don’t feel like his company gives me anything …
Kind of makes me sad to think of it.

I was really hoping this guy would be my one…
The belief in me not being meant for love is growing…
I’m really unsure of everything…

I feel…
I’m not sure what to do.
I’m not sure what it takes exactly to fix everything…

At the moment I just feel like everything is shit.
I don’t even know what I want to do with my life…

I don’t feel like studying.. Nor do I feel like working.
I don’t feel like doing anything.

I feel like …
This wasn’t the life that I was made for.
Nor was I made for this life.
Nor was I made to live like this.

I’ve said it before, Ill say it again: I’m just looking for happiness.
And I have no clue how to find it or achieve it.

Well I think I know, but I don’t.
I don’t think anyone does.

I’m just plain tired of everything…

I’m upset.

I just wanted love…
I thought I finally found love.

I feel like he’s… I don’t know :(
Makes me sad.
I don’t feel happy…

I just really wonder sometimes…
If everything would be easier if I wasn’t on this earth anymore.

I wonder… I honestly do.

I don’t know what I want.
I guess I’m waiting for a miracle of some kind.

… Right now I’m just hanging in there…
Hoping for better times.
Lets see…

Dear Luke…

I love you. But sometimes you hurt me. You make me sad. You make me upset.

Sometimes you make me happy. You make me smile. You make me laugh.

But honestly… I don’t like being sad.

If I’m sad because I miss you – well that’s life. That’s just how it is sometimes…
But sometimes you make me sad by what you say… What you do.

I feel like sometimes… I’m that ‘old fashioned’ woman that you’ve always wanted… One that can cook and clean. Please you in the bedroom…

But I feel like you don’t see me as someone to have fun with. Like I’m only a ‘pleaser’…

I’m really sorry if this is hurtful or mean. That’s just how I feel…

Like honestly. I don’t know when you’ve ever cancelled with your friends for me. Whilst I’ve done it plenty of times… Whilst I’ve done it because you made me feel guilty… Like I was an ass if I let you wait for me… Like yesterday. I was supposed to meet my friend. I cancelled. Why? Because you said ‘then I have to wait for an hour or two before you’re done… What am I supposed to do in those hours? And then dinner will be late…’ blabla… Really…

Then today we were supposed to not just be at home. But go out. Not for dinner. Just out a bit. Maybe sit at a café or something…

Didn’t happen. I was supposed to meet my friend later in the day … Didn’t happen. We were supposed to workout. But because everything else was delayed with you… I couldn’t meet with her and workout because the gym closes early… So I cancelled – once again.

But right before I remembered that the gym closes early – and that we therefore couldn’t delay our appointment, but had to cancel … You made a ‘date’ with your friends.
10 mins before I cancelled with my friend. And you couldn’t even cancel your date… Like really?

So what if you just told them? Tell them you cant. It’s not like it was planned for days ahead. Even dates planned days ahead I’ve cancelled for you.

When have you cancelled for me? I don’t recall one single time. Not one single time.

So , thank you. You make me feel so special. Like a special piece of shit. Even when you can see that I’m bothered – you ignore it. Thanks.

I want to give you the world. But you only want to give me the oceans.

That’s how I feel.

I don’t think you love me like I love you.

It hurts to say it. Sometimes there are things we don’t want to say or admit out loud. Because they hurt.

But I think that’s how it is.

Maybe I wasn’t made for anyone. Or maybe no one was made for me.

I really feel worthless.

Maybe I’m the actual issue when it comes to everything… Either way. I am how I am. I’m just sensitive when I love someone. I can’t help but have expectations and interpret everything one says and does.
The way I understand things… I just don’t feel truly appreciated. I don’t…

I might have issues – I wont deny that being a possibility… In the end that’s just how I am. And if the person I’m with can’t deal with it… Well then that person can just leave it be.

I feel really empty inside right now. Like … I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’m not able to love… Like something’s wrong with me.
Like I set the bar far too high.

And then I ask myself; well what kind of man do you want?
And I can’t even answer that question. I don’t want a specific kind of man. I want someone who’s nice and thoughtful… Good in bed of course, but also someone who has goals in their life and educated…

Sometimes I just wish I felt like I was your world, like you are mine. But I’m not. I can feel it.
I am not your everything. And it hurts. It hurts because you are my everything. It hurts because Im not in a relationship just to be in a relationship… Im in a relationship because I’m looking ahead, forward, planning my future. I’m in a relationship with you, not for fun, but because you’re a potential future husband. Lifepartner.
In my world you invest from the beginning. I have a feeling like… you’re gonna lose me… And then we’ll see, then we’ll see where your friends are. Where will your friends be when they’re off being married and having kids? Not by your side I can reassure you… then what? Then you’ll regret it…

As I’m feeling right now – I am feeling scared. Scared for having spent the money I have on the summer holidays. That’s whats so risky about booking ahead.
Scared because … How I’m feeling now… I really just want to walk away and say fuck it.
I compare – yes I do… Im sorry – but I do…
And I don’t think I’ve been hurt in this sense before as such…
My ex was always there… He was there for me even when he wasn’t my boyfriend. He did it out of love. I know he did. And I think thats what I’m missing here. Like you do it out of convenience… When you have time you’ll see me. I’m the person to fill out your sparetime…

I just wish I meant the same to you, as you mean to me.

I just wish you’d enjoy my presence and company as much as I enjoy yours. I put myself and everything aside for you. I see you when you can, even if its inconvenient for you… But it doesn’t go the other way around.

I don’t think thats right… Maybe I’m the idiot.
Maybe I’m just supposed to get my shit together, and say no when its not convenient… Why should I mess up my plans etc for you? When you don’t do it for me?

… Oh how about sunday… When you decided to drop by around the time I was off work? I thought it was so sweet. You had just dropped me off at work some hours before…
But really, it was because your friend stood you up. So … I was second best, right?

Tired as I was, I went to your place to eat after work… And we sat and we discussed and talked and it went bad … but then we made up before I left… By then it was shit o’clock … but I had to go home. I didn’t have my stuff and I had to get up in the morning and had stuff to do – so I had to be in my own home.
You didn’t go with me – fine. But … honestly… It took me like 1-1,5 hrs to get home, in the middle of the night. Im a grown woman. But still… I did that, although I was second.

As I said. I’m just there to fill in time. You make plans and where ever I fit in, you make plans.
Thats how I feel. Im sorry… But thats the picture you paint for me. Whether true or not.
But this friends issue is pretty much the only issue we have.
It’s starting to look like its gonna be a problem for me.

I barely see you. Like c’mon. Will we ever get to know one another at this level and pace?

I used to be with my ex everyday… For the first 1,5 years… We were together everyday. Every weekend.

Really. His friends were the ones to fill in, not me. He made plans based on me. Not based on his friends – and then filled me in when there was time. No. I was his number 1.

… I don’t know…

I just… dont know…

Sometimes I just feel like… I wasn’t made for love. Like I am not meant to be loved…


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