Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

24 hrs x 365 a year

It may seem like a lot of hours… But to me it’s not.
Why?
Simple. I’m not using my time efficiently…

So, as I am aware of this, it shouldn’t really be an ongoing problem – right?

Well… Matter of fact is that it’s not that easy.
I WANT to be spending my time more efficiently, I want to not waste time… But unfortunately it all happens unconsciously… Before I know it, boom, 5 hrs have passed. And when people ask what I’ve spent the day doing… Well to me it seems like I’ve done so much… But in fact, when I have to tell someone – the answer is pretty simple: nothing or not much.

The reason?
My mind.
I have so many things on my to do list, so many ambitions, so many things I want to do… But not enough time, not enough energy… So what happens is that I spend my time thinking too much and doing too little…
Not good.

And yes, since I am aware of this, I try to remind myself constantly – in order not to be stuck in this state… Because clearing your mind is important… You cant do 100 things all at once, and you cant have 100 projects and expect to finish them all at once or even to finish them all… It’s not possible to put maximum effort into so many big things… One thing at a time. Finding yourself is a big project, the biggest. Figuring yourself out and finding inner peace, it’s not easy… I just have to learn that sometimes in order to be less stressed etc., I have to set that project aside… Even though its too exciting and so on…

But it’s difficult. Imagine you just want to paint, you’ve started a painting and you don’t want to stop until you’re finished… BUT you’ve got an exam coming up that you have to study for…
The inner battle is seriously tough, especially if you have difficulties concentrating and keeping an interest in studying for an exam… Just to top it off, having something else that’s more interesting to do, does not make the process easier…

So yea… Don’t have too many things going on all at once. Keep things simple, keep your list of to do’s short and don’t stress yourself…

Anyone else out there that can relate?

Big things are coming…

Yes.

Just believe.

Napoleon wasn’t wrong when he said:

“Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.”

It’s true.

Believe my friend, believe.

Whatever you believe, what ever is your truth, whatever you make your reality – it will come true… If you want it bad enough, it will come… Don’t even doubt it…

Like Paulo Coelho said in his famous book ‘The Alchemist’:

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Amen to that… Amen.

The almighty energy, source energy, will make your dreams come true.
The universe is not against you, people might not be, but the universe and mother earth is not.

Are you going to believe? Are you going to achieve? Are you going to succeed?

What do you have to lose?

… If you ask me, nothing.
Chasing your dream is not losing, its winning. You win.
You make yourself happy. You create your own happiness and meaning.
If you want your dream bad enough you will get it, if you don’t give up – ever. Because it is only when the world seems to conspire against you… And you feel like something high above is trying to convince you otherwise… Thats when things turn for the better… It’s when you want to give up, that’s when.
The universe never lets you down, not when you work hard, not when you believe.

Have you never heard of all the celebrities that tell about all the people that never believed in them… All the turn downs… But they never gave up. No way…
And what happened? They made their reality, actual reality, they made their dream come true… Because to them there was no other way, no other life, no other reality…

So… What are YOU gonna do?

I know what I am going to do…

Hi, my name is A.

Hi, my name is A.

A for Amazing.
A for Attractive.
A for Achiever.
A for Admirable.
A for Adorable.
A for Artsy.
A for Awesome.
A for Ambitious.
A for Alluring.
A for Adventurous.

10 things.

But I am more, more than those 10 things.

But who am I?

Is this a question we can ever fully answer?

I feel like I am getting closer to my ‘self’, each and every day.
Because I am – Aware – I am aware that things are not served, we need to actively go get them, and so I am – Active – too.

What I mean is that we, as the self, are ongoing projects – which we will be our whole lives, and although it might sound silly… Not many of us know ourselves. Deeply that is. Also many of us think we are something, that we are not… Because we just ‘adapt’, we do things the way things ‘should’ be done and this and that…
So very often we lose ourselves, and we don’t follow our true dreams… Why? Because we’re afraid, we let fear control us… We believe the world is against us, we believe things cannot be achieved, well quite frankly – we don’t believe. That’s the problem, we don’t believe, in ourselves that is.

So… I am a work in progress… I am ‘under construction’, because whilst I am trying to understand myself, I am also trying to ‘alter’ myself. By this I mean, that I am trying to let go of my fears and negative thinking, because hell, if I don’t believe in me – who will?

I am on the road to self-love, self-belief and so much more…

I am A, A for many things.
Who are you?

Maybe you should choose a letter, random or from one of your names… And see if you can come up with 10 (or more) positive words to describe you – or who you want to be.
And then maybe, instead of wanting to be, just be. Just do it, and be.

short story: the grass is never greener on the other side.

Young and handsome.
That’s what he was.
He had just graduated and thought he was invincible.
He was popular amongst the girls, with his big brown eyes, full lips and tanned skin – not to mention his muscular body.
A body he didn’t get through genetics, a body he had worked hard for, a body that had ‘robbed’ him off of many of the wild and youthful stupidities his classmates lived.
To him it was important.
To him it was the most important thing.
To work hard, achieve and see results.
With his body that was.
So he sacrificed, without seeing it as sacrifice, because he had only one thing in mind – achieve a physique he had always dreamed of.
So the little boy put in a lot of work and time, meal prepping, eating and working out.
It became an obsession.
Soon it was no longer a healthy drive, soon it was no longer discipline and hard work, no, it became an obsession. Everything he did was now out of obsession, he became so obsessed he soon lost his way.
He decided to take a break, he had started working full-time and was exhausted. He couldn’t find the time or energy, so he thought he’d take a break – just for a short while of a few weeks.
It wasn’t long till he missed it again. He was obsessing. Every time he looked in the mirror he felt himself shrinking by the minute.
All that work and time. Gone.
Although reality was far from that.
He started working out and eating right again, it didn’t take long before he once again fell off the wagon. It was too much. Too much stress. He couldn’t take care of himself and his job both at the same time. And since he needed and wanted that job, there was only one choice: to set fitness aside once again.
Was he setting his identity aside? Was fitness so deeply embedded in him, that he lost sense of self? Could it be… That he had nothing else? That he didn’t love himself without fitness? Because without fitness, he didn’t have that godlike body… That body in which he identified himself so much with… That body in which he took pride in, that body in which he hid behind… Because truth be told, he didn’t love himself – but his body, his body he did love… Although he didn’t think it was perfect – he still loved it. The look of it that was.
He was struggling, trying to make the pieces in his life fit. Confused. Lost.

But wait…
In the midst of all of this… He had met a girl.
A girl that made him feel like no one ever did.
For once he was scared.
Scared that he would get hurt.
This girl… There was never anyone like her.
No one as beautiful as her…
No one as smart and intelligent as her…
No one as educated as her…
No one as mature as her…
No one as… almost perfect, as her.

This one was someone special.
She was helpful, thoughtful and loving.

She helped him.
She helped him with his job.
She helped him with his nutrition, whenever he was determined to start fitness again.
She helped him with everything and anything she could.

She gave him her everything, almost.
She gave him all that she could.
She took great care of him.
She would’ve done anything for him – because that’s just how she was.
She always gave her all, she always wanted to help – everyone.

What he didn’t know was that she had doubted this relationship since the first time they met up. She didn’t feel like it was right, but she ignored her gut feeling. She went for it anyway, “the universe sent him to me, there must be a reason” she thought to herself.
So she ignored her gut feeling and intuition and went with her old habits and patterns… Being a pleaser.
She didn’t want to hurt him, so she hurt herself instead.
She had dreams that she once again set aside, which she did every time there was a new guy in her life… Why? Because her dreams didn’t fit into the whole relationship scene, so it was always one or the other – to her it was so at least.

They did enjoy each others company, they very often had some of the same thoughts… They had shitty humor and laughed together. They gave one another comfort and a sense of love.
They couldn’t get enough of each others company… They went from being just ‘friends’ with benefits, to dating, to seeing each other every day, to living together – unofficially… And then all of a sudden they went from looking at ‘we’ and an apartment, to being strangers.

Two people that once loved and cared, two people that were so close, two people that could’ve made it.
Two people that almost committed to ‘for ever’.
But just almost.

But the timing wasn’t right.
And after all, time decides most things.
“Time doesn’t change, time reveals.”

He walked around with identity issues – not even knowing. He was in denial of many things, if not everything. He didn’t look within himself, he wasn’t interested in ‘fixing’. He didn’t care to find out what was causing him to feel lost and confused, he just wasn’t mature or aware enough to do it… So he went ahead and blamed the latest thing that had walked into his life, her.
His life was fine till she walked in, he kept trying to convince himself.
These feelings are messing me up, he thought.
Why did I have to love her? Why couldn’t I meet her in a few years, when I’m ready? He kept repeating.
He didn’t realize the problem wasn’t her.
He kept thinking that the grass was greener on the other side.

She kept trying and trying, to make him realize that he had issues to work with. She kept trying to make him see the light… She wanted him to succeed. She wanted him to stay. She wanted him. Because now she had once again given up on her dreams, so god damn it, she was going to make it work this time around… Because finally she had met someone that she could stand, and that was good enough for her – because she no longer believed in ‘real’ love anyway.
She tried to make him understand where the problem was and she tried to pull him up to her level. She tried to motivate him and help him achieve his dreams, because she wanted nothing but for him to succeed – be his best.
She didn’t realize that in the middle of all of this, she had lost herself.
She was trying so hard on his behalf that she lost herself…
She was unhappy but couldn’t figure out why… Why was she once again depressed?
Was she stressed? Was it the winter weather? What was it?
Why was she not happy, why did she feel empty inside?

One day she finally decided that she had had enough. She wasn’t going to beg him to ‘fix’ himself and everything, she didn’t have to try so hard.
So she ended it.
She felt relieved. Sad, but relieved. For months had she known deep down that he wasn’t to be a part of her life, since the very start… But she ignored her gut feeling, but now she was being true to herself. It hurt, it hurt for a while, but she was relieved and slowly the depression left her too. She was happy, sad for the story, but happy.

He thought the grass was greener on the other side.
He liked her, but he didn’t feel ready – that was why he was so confused, right?
He didn’t realize that her being gone, meant she was gone for good.
She told him, “once I’m gone, I’m gone” and she meant it. Like she always had. Because she always gave 1000 chances, so once she left – she left for good, whether it was friendships or romantically. When she gave up and left, there was no way to come back.

It didn’t take too long for him to realize that that odd feeling was still there…
He was still not happy, in fact he was now sadder than before…
He couldn’t get her out of his mind.
But he wasn’t going to put up a fight.
She didn’t want him, what else could he do? He wasn’t going to put himself out there and lose face… And hey whenever he knew that she still cared for him, he would feel empowered and on top – and so he’d go back to being a jerk towards her.
Until she no longer even cared to be his friend or even talk to him…
Then he realized how alone he truly was, in a world where only one person had ever come close to him. Pushed his deep buttons of childhood sadness, helped him and truly been there for him whenever, wherever.
He had lost something so good, so rare. Gone.
No one could compare to her.
None of the girls stimulated him like she did.
She was loyal.
She was  wifey.
And now, she’s gone.
Now she’s just someone that he used to know.

She was saddened by it all, but she realized that when someone asked her what it was she missed – she didn’t have an answer. The answer to ‘could anyone take his place?’ was yes. She realized she had been with him for all the wrong reasons, but it didn’t take long before she saw the light, and started to work her way up.
She was determined not to keep the same unhealthy habits and patterns that her mother passed on to her, she was going to break the circle and she was going to conquer the world.
She was going to find everything she ever wanted within herself.
She was never going to need another person to fulfill her, she was never going to crave, need or beg for acceptance from a partner ever again – she was done.
She was turning into a better her, she was going to live out her dreams, she was going to let go of the idea that a man had to fulfill her life…
For once she was going to live for her, she was going to find peace, she was going to be more than average.
She was ready. She was lit. She was conscious. She was awake. She was fearless.

…She failed to see that the grass could be greener, and he failed to see that he was already where the grass was most attractive.
He thought the grass was greener on the other side, not realizing he was standing on the best grass out there… The grass might not have been the greenest at the time, but no grass is lush without care. The grass needs to be watered and cared for, and that is the only way for it to be green – the grass is never greener anywhere else.
The grass is only as green as you make it yourself.

 

nothing to lose.

You know, I love to write… I really do…
Once in a while I get these crazy pieces… Short story… Poem.. Quote… They just pop into my head and I start to ‘tell’ them to myself… It always happens when I don’t have access to write them down… But then again – I don’t make the extra effort either. But many times those stories etc. are gold. I love how they just flow in my mind without me having to even try…
I have my philosophical moments from time to time, and I always regret missing them – as far as pen and paper go (or computer as it has now become these days).

I’m so busy with so many things… So many projects, thoughts, and balls in the air that I never really have the time or energy to post here…
And I don’t post here for anyone but myself… This place is just my online diary if you wish…
It’s a place where I let out my thoughts, feelings etc., and I share them with the world – if the world wants to see. I put it out there in case someone sees it and it helps them – in whatever way… Because, why not?
I am anonymous anyway, I have nothing to lose.

Nothing to lose.
That has become one of my favorite phrasings lately: what do you have to lose?
Every time I’m scared of something, scared of doing or saying something, I ask myself this… Because its relevant, because the answer 99.9% of the time will be ‘nothing’… So … If you have nothing to lose – you have nothing to be afraid of? And therefore no reason not to do it – because you basically have nothing to lose, only something to gain…

neglect.

I’ve neglected this blog… I haven’t posted for 3 months, and it’s definitely not because I haven’t had anything to post – I definitely have…
But perhaps I’ve been tired of ‘talking to myself’… I know it’s a good thing to get your thoughts down, but to be honest… My level of energy hasn’t been at its highest.
I feel like so many people around you just suck out your energy…

It’s not right.

I’ve neglected this blog. In a way I’ve sort of thereby neglected myself a bit, because I really do enjoy writing. In fact I’ve realized that it’s one of my favorite things to do…

Anyway…
I sort of want to make blogwriting a habit again – and then I sort of don’t.
At the moment I’m trying to figure my life out, myself and happiness… So the last thing I need or want to do is to add on things on my agenda – such as this.
So I guess I will only be posting from time to time, when I have the energy and need for it.

As of right now, I’m happy.
I feel free.
I have goals and reason to live.
So as far as I’m concerned I’m only moving towards better things now, and I have no intention of moving backwards at all.

I’m on the pursue of happiness. And I can tell you one thing, if you’re not happy now, you will never be… UNLESS – you change YOU. You cant change anyone or anything but yourself. It all starts with YOU. As cheesy and cliché as it might sound – its true.

You cant change anyone but yourself. And nothing changes unless you change something… So dont expect change in your current situation without changing up something, because obviously what you’re doing now is not working if you’re not happy.
So don’t neglect yourself.

YOU are important. If you don’t find the love within yourself, you will never be able to give love to someone else. And yes this statement is very true. Although many people love others even though they don’t love themselves – they don’t realize that it’s not actual love… Because if you don’t learn to love yourself, then you can’t love others genuinely. Your idea of love becomes twisted, and what you define as love is actually not love but: need. Then it’s about the need to be accepted, the need to be loved, the need to feel safe etc. etc., so you try to get this by giving all of this to someone else… And all it does is drain you, you just don’t realize it – yet.

Life is complicated. Life is hard. And so is the mind and psychology. But true happiness lies within yourself. It’s not something you can achieve through external factors, its all internal.
So once you start looking inwards, once you start doing things for YOU and changing to become a better version of yourself… That’s when it all starts, and the feeling is absolutely amazing…

So don’t neglect yourself.

happiness is a word.

Happiness.

Happiness, happiness, happiness…

It’s a word. But what it is?
I still haven’t quite figured it out.

Sadness on the other hand, I know way too well…

Emptiness…

Loneliness…
Lonesomeness…

negativity. That’s all I see in the words that I’ve written after happiness…
But why? Is it because I try so hard to be happy? Content? … And therefore I never will be?
I wish someone could tell me what life is about…

I wish I never felt all alone in the world.
Sometimes, like now, the emotion is so strong it tears me up. And for what? I make myself feel like this… I wish I didn’t, but I do…
And I feel like I have no one to turn to. I have no one but myself. And its hard.
In the end you only have yourself – that I know, but it doesn’t make anything any easier to know it…

But I guess thats just how it is… Good days… Bad days… But so many times I’ve wished I wasn’t on this earth anymore… So why am I?

Happy new year!

Happy new year! May 2016 be the best year yet, with many blessings…
____________________________________________________

A writer.
I always loved to write, since I was little.
It was one of the many things I liked doing.

At one point I dreamt of writing a book…
I guess that dream hasn’t quite left the back of my mind, not yet.

This blog kind of allows me to work on my writing skills, although blogging about my life and thoughts, practically online diary writing, isn’t the same as writing a book – but still, I am writing.

 

What else? I feel tired. Drained. Unmotivated…
Questions. So many questions about my life, where I’m heading – and why.
What do I really want? I wonder if these questions will ever be answered?

I wonder, when I will have time for myself?
I can spend days not doing anything at all, yet be tired. Those days pass by so fast – oddly enough… Making me feel like I don’t have time.
I want to have time to not do anything until I feel rested, and then do something. The problem is though – I never feel rested.

My mind is a mess. I don’t have silence. I don’t have goals right now. I don’t have peace. Which makes me not have time… Because the time flies, with all my thoughts of all these things, and at the end of the day I have achieved nothing else than tiring my mind.

My mind is tired. My body is tired.
I don’t know where I’m going, or perhaps more correctly: I don’t know where I am supposed to go…
Because right now, I am not really going anywhere… I’m not moving at all.

 

Regrets.
Oh how I regret going on that holiday with Luke… Fuck money. My mental health had never been better, with it came the physical… I was fresh, aware, motivated and happy…
For the first time ever I was truly happy and free in my own company and mind…

No money was ever worth ruining that…
So lesson learned…
I shouldn’t regret it, because I learned from it…
Yes it has set me back, but I can work my way back to that point… I just have to find a way – and will…

I just need some time… As I keep telling myself.
But what time? I’m wasting a lot of precious time with… Nothing.
But sometimes that too is good for the mind I guess. Absolutely nothing…
Yet this makes my to do list grow, which stresses me subconsciously…

A day at a time… A day at a time… Rome wasn’t built in a day…

I feel like I am moving forward with my life, nevertheless… Like never before I am aware and changing, so even with a setback, I am still moving forward…

2 years

Wow. 2 years on this blog… Amazing.

I started this blog when I left my first boyfriend. First love, first everything.

It’s been two years already, and so much has happened. It’s amazing how time flies. It’s amazing how much a person can grow in a year, or two in this case…
It’s also amazing how faith in humanity and life disappears more and more with each year…

I’m grateful for being where I am in life, although I struggle and have ups and downs.
Trying to figure yourself and life out is no easy thing…
But two years… It does seem like a lot longer than that… My life has changed so much in these years, its incredible…
I just hope my posts have helped or inspired or touched just a person or two, either way – this blog is my venting spot… Its where I come when I need someone to talk to as well, but don’t have anyone to turn to.
It’s where I come to vent feelings and thoughts. It’s where I come to tell secrets I cannot tell anyone I know…
This blog has helped me quite a bit over these two years, hopefully it has helped someone else too.

lots of love, xoxo.

Teary.

when you’re frustrated. Sad. Questioning life, and everything…
and you just need someone to talk to, but you don’t know who… Or what to say. You’re just sad. Sad that the world makes your belief in humanity, in love, disappear.

What has the world become? What is to become of me?

All I feel like doing is crying. My heart is aching.
I can’t quite figure out why. I feel lonely, or do I feel lonesome?

I want to love, but I feel like I can’t.
I want to love, but I’m scared to get hurt.
Most of all I’m scared of betrayal.

I’ve been betrayed so many times, I don’t want to experience it again… I don’t want to blame myself for people betraying me… But I do. Because I tell myself, you let yourself trust this person because of this and this and this…
So … Trusting someone, no matter their past, can go two ways.
They either don’t let you down, or they do – and if they do, you will blame yourself for not listning to those annoying inner voices…
But truth is, it can go both ways. A persons past doesn’t necessarily define them, or say anything about who they are now…
Yet for precaution, we tend to ‘judge’. We ‘judge’ in order to protect ourselves…

Is it the right thing to do though? In the end, I’m hurting anyway. No one but me is hurting. I’m hurting now. Nothing has happened and I’m hurting… So whats the difference if I just go with it, and get hurt later?
It’s like I’m seeking the pain.
But whats the difference? If I take a chance, and it works, I might not have to experience any pain at all… So why feel it now?
Why torture myself with my thoughts?

… I’m scared of life. I’m scared of love. I’m scared of people.
Generally I’m just scared.

Teary. Thats what I make myself. I make myself cry…
I hurt myself, no one else. No one else is responsible for my happiness but me. I make myself cry, no one else. I take the pain of life in advance, instead of just living, and taking chances; chances that might lead to pain or avoidance of it. Just living halves the chance of the amount of pain… When taking it in advance, you have no chance of avoiding it – you automatically put maximum amount of pain that is possible for you to experience on yourself. Instead of giving life a chance, you take in all the pain in the world that you could probably feel. Instead of trusting life and having faith in it, and that not everything will come with the outcome of pain…
I am responsible for making myself smile; with my decisions. No one else is responsible.

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