Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

word of the day: anger.

I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like screaming, yelling, crying. Getting all my frustration out.

I feel annoyed.

I feel angry.

I feel like my world is collapsing.

I feel like people are stepping over my boundaries.

People.

Once again, outside sources…

People tend to bring notning but stress.

This is where everything collapses for me, as soon as the subject of other people are involved.

Relying on others etc. etc.

I. Just. Cant.

I am sick and tired of people’s comments, lack of understanding and boundaries.

Perhaps it’s me there’s something wrong with.

People make me angry.

Angry.

Angry.

Angry.

Uncomfortable.

Annoyed.

I make myself angry.

Get your shit together girl, step it up.

… But… Step what up? I feel lost.

I don’t feel good.

I don’t feel good…

 

 

 

word of the day: independence.

Independence.

Now why is this the word of the day?

Because… Note to self: unless you do things according to your own plan, knowledge, timing etc. – it will never be as you imagine it. Even if you imagine it with another person. Don’t. Because you cannot imagine something that is controlled by the presence of anyone else than yourself.

And I think this might be why my solo travel was one of my best travels yet… Because I was independent. I didn’t rely on anyone, I could do whatever I pleased – whenever I pleased. I didn’t have to worry about another party – their mood, availability or their financial status. And that my friends, is why you have the most fun when you just do the things you want to do when YOU want to do them… Otherwise you can wait a whole lifetime without a result.

You’ll never get much done if your decisions are all based on someone else making the same decision.
If there is something you want to do – just do it. Let people join you if you like, but dont make the plans based on them…

 

I am ungrateful.(am I?)

I am ungrateful.

I am ungrateful when I wake up in my bed.

I am ungrateful when I turn the tap and clean water comes out.

I am ungrateful when I plug in my electronics.

I am ungrateful when I open the fridge and take something out.

I am ungrateful when I eat.

I am ungrateful when I drink.

I am ungrateful when I taste.

I am ungrateful when I hear.

I am ungrateful when I speak.

I am ungrateful when I see.

I am ungrateful when I move.

I am ungrateful when I am independent.

I am ungrateful when I am healthy.

I am ungrateful.

No.

I am not ungrateful when I remember to be aware of my abilities and my privileges.

However by never remembering how lucky I truly am, how privileged I truly am, I am unconsciously being ungrateful.

We all take things for granted each and every day.

You woke up 10 minutes late – SHIT! … How about, it happens, but at least I woke up today. Somewhere, someone, did not have the privilege of waking up today.

You ran for the bus, yet you still missed it – FML! … How about, you’re so lucky that you have somewhere to be to actually care about missing the bus? And most importantly, you had the ability of running. You have legs that function and you can run and walk as you please.

Gratefulness, positivity, appreciation.

You are lucky. Unlucky are those who do not take responsibility, is that you? You are not unlucky because you missed the bus – you just didn’t manage your time well enough, if that was the bus you were SUPPOSED to catch.  If it wasn’t, then its more like ‘ah bummer! Oh well. Having caught it would’ve only been a bonus, no loss or harm done.’ Always try to ad a positive spin to things, instead of running to negative twists and thoughts – they wont do you any good anyway, so what do you need them for?

 

to and fro.

I guess its funny how I find myself being so ambitious and yet so unenthusiastic.

I feel like I am so extraordinary that I can do extraordinary things, I feel like I am not an average person. I feel like I will succeed at heights that are quite unimaginable by many of my friends.

At the same time I feel stupid. I feel like I’m inexperienced. I feel like I have NO idea of how to execute the type of job I imagine myself occupying…

And then… Then I think, well what are my goals and dreams just exactly again?

I’m so confused. I’m so disorganized. So out of touch.

Like honestly, I’ve been meaning to tidy and sort my bedroom and clothes up for weeks… And I haven’t. And every time I look at it, or go to bed, it annoys me.

It annoys me – yet I can’t get my act together to do something about it.

I blame it on the fact that there isn’t enough room.
That this home is temporary.
That I don’t feel the room and therefore I don’t feel like caring for it.

Lets be honest, these reasons are all stupid. Because when something bothers you, you should really just get it over and done with…
However the above mentioned complaints are all true, however no excuse for not getting my act together.

… I just don’t feel like I have peace.
I feel like I don’t have a home and that feeling has haunted me forever.
I just want a place, where I think “I like this”.
Somewhere where the location is nice, the home is nice… Where I then decorate it, I design the interior and so on. I give it a touch of me and a touch of home – and a touch of permanency… “The perfect home”, it doesn’t even have to be big. It just has to be somewhere where I feel free and I feel at home. A place that makes me want to keep it tidy… A place where I feel like it can be held tidy because there is in fact room for everything…

I just wish I had an unlimited amount of money.
I wish.

Dear God, can I please win the lottery?

the death of creativity.

One of the worst thing we can do is to kill our creativity.

We even do this by forgetting about it, that too is killing.

I used to be this person that wrote, painted, drew, took photos and sat and played with a keyboard or computer programs and ‘made’ music.
I was so creative, I was so free – I wasn’t in a box.

I trapped myself.
A soul that lusts for freedom.
Freedom of the mind.

A lot of weird shit goes on in my brain, but it’s like I’ve let society suppress this – with my own consent and will of course.
How cruel is that? How awful is that?

Why would I ever let go of my ways of expression?
No wonder I felt and feel like I do. I’ve trapped myself, I am a prisoner of my own mind.
I am a prisoner of my own thought patterns, patterns that were fed to me through society.

Poison.

How can something as beautiful as being unique become something awful and rejected by society?

You know what, yes I am weird. I like drawing weird shit, because my mind is unique.
But I don’t care.

I don’t care any longer.

I don’t care about anyone.
It’s about me.

Me.

Fuck society.
Fuck people.
Excuse my language.
But fuck it all.

I am not average. I am not like everyone else.
I will not try to be.
Life is extraordinary, life is beautiful – if you make it so.
I intend in doing so.

Who the hell wants to stare at the same things the rest of their lives ?
I don’t.

I am a traveller.
I am curious.
I am a world citizen.
I identify with everyone.

I am open minded.

Most importantly – I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful no matter what anyone else thinks or says.

I am beautiful.

Zhu – Good life.

“Life is all about you, and not at all about you.”

Today I’m sharing a song with you guys…
It’s a long time since I last did, however, I love this song because the lyrics are so deep compared to much of todays music.
It really makes you think and sort of relax at the same time, for me at least.
I’ve been listening to it for weeks and thought that it was appropriate to share it today.

 

Here are the lyrics too:

Life is all about you and not at all about you
Now, that’s two opposing thoughts and yet both of them are true
How can you experience everything you choose to do
While observing the experience you’re having from a higher view
See, it’s the question, not the answer, that’s the higher view
Otherwise, you couldn’t differentiate between the two
Awareness? But of who?
You think you hurt me, but I promise I was letting you
They say we’re all one, but where have we been headed to
I’d rather die free than have to live inside a petting zoo
I am the journey that I’m getting to

I could be it all, I’ll make a good life
Let me lose my mind, it’s the only way to love
Only way to, only way to love
I could be it all, I’ll make a good life
Let me lose my mind, it’s the only way to love
Only way to, only way to love

Gratitude is my destination
My destiny is perfectly aligned with this location
I am the map, so I travel back in time
I have everything I want cause my imagination is mine
But mind is not enough for me cause I am not my mind
I could see it all, but never get to see I’m truly blind
I could be it all, but all identities intertwine
The moon is only bright cause it reflects the sun’s shine

I could be it all, I’ll make a good life
Let me lose my mind, it’s the only way to love
Only way to, only way to love

It’s not the human race, it’s just the human race
There’s nothing left to chase, we do not run this place
But both medicine and poison’s an acquired taste
So I started taking selfies of somebody else’s face

Tell me something
What is more genius than a child’s laughter
Are we not simply the children of this world?

fight against negativity.

You have to fight.
Every single day.
Fight all your negative thoughts away.

It wont be easy but it will be worth it.

Believe.

Eventually everything will fall into place.
Don’t doubt it.
As long as you’re all sorted, everything in life will sort itself out to.
Energies.
Flow.

Be in sync with the energies and life – with God/Source Energy, and everything will fall into place. Source Energy will give you what you dream and want, without a doubt.

Things come through and true, if you truly want them to.

Work on yourself.
One thought at a time.

Bye negative. Hello positive.

one at a time.

One day at a time.
One thought at a time.
Trying to stay positive.

The road to figuring out yourself and life is not easy.
No one ever said it would be, but I’m determined.

I don’t want average. No. I want to be above.
I want to be in control, I don’t want to just join the flow.
Life is too short.
I’m in search of real happiness and inner peace.

I’ll get there.

 

It’s important to remember the good things in life, and to be grateful… So therefore I’ll state 10 things that I am grateful for, that happened/were possible today:

  1. I woke up
  2. I slept in a warm bed
  3. I woke up in a peaceful place, no war zone, no fear
  4. I had food to eat
  5. I had water to drink
  6. I had clothes to wear
  7. I had a mother to talk to
  8. I had friends to talk to
  9. I had time to waste
  10. I had legs to walk

Why stop there though, I am grateful that I have all daily and basic necessities such as: food, water, clothes, shower, warm bed, roof over my head and health.
I can see, hear, talk, smell, taste and feel. I have 2 legs, 2 arms, and all limbs. I can make my own food, I can go to the bathroom on my own, I can move freely, I can see the world, I can hear the bird, I can smell my morning coffee and taste it.

I’m lucky.
I’m incredible lucky, and I don’t even realize it on a daily basis. What a crime ungratefulness is… Although it is unintentional, but we all take basics for granted.

Something as simple as being able to use all your limbs, imagine not having arms, or being stuck in a wheelchair… It’s not the end of the world, no. BUT many of us have the privilege of having the freedom of mobility, and we forget – we take it for granted.

We shouldn’t.
Every day we should remember what we HAVE and what we CAN do. Not what we DONT have or what we CANT do.
No.

Focus on the positive aspect of things in life, not the negative.
Life is too short.
The mind is too complex, and changing your way of perceiving and thinking can make a huge difference.
Instead of complaining about not having milk left for your coffee – remember that you’re privileged and lucky enough to even drink coffee, you’re privileged and lucky enough to be able to go and buy more milk… To add to that, you’re so lucky that you can in fact MOVE on your own to go and get more milk, you can afford it, you have the opportunity of getting it.

It’s all a matter of perspective, and in the end that’s what life comes down to.
Your life is how you choose to see it.

You want to be happy or you want to be sad?
Start with your way of perceiving. Be positive.

too tired.

Too tired to express.
Too tired to think.
Too tired to feel.

Lately I’ve just been too tired.

Too tired to live.
Too tired to care.
Too tired to do.

I want to think about how I feel, I want to think about why I feel what I feel.
But I am too tired.
Too tired to truly care.

“I love you”, she said to herself, “but right now I cannot deal with your mind. I’m too tired.”

Poem: connected yet disconnected.

All alone in this big world.
A world made small by the Internet.
A world made connected by social media.
Connected.
Yet so disconnected.

Connected across borders, cultures, continents, endless connections.
Yet we are all so disconnected. Disconnected to each other, disconnected to ourselves.
In the midst of this vortex of ‘sociality’ we lose the actuality of reality and real sociality.
We lose sense of self.
We lose sense of reality.
We lose sense of life.

Suddenly there’s a shift in meaning.
A shift in what has meaning in our lives.
A shift in life purpose.
A shift that has no purpose.
A shift that has no meaning.

All of a sudden it’s about all the meaningless things.
All of a sudden all the meaningful things become abnormalities.

Seeking a rush of adrenaline becomes abnormal.
Seeking towards nature becomes abnormal.

Posting selfies becomes normal.
Exploiting our bodies in a sexual way becomes normal.
Chasing likes, acknowledgement and approval becomes normal.

Everything external and impersonal becomes normal.
Everything internal and personal becomes abnormal.

A shift.

A shift that creates an empty space as meaning is drawn out.
Nothing is left.
Empty.
Meaningless.

We try to find our meaning externally.
This approach will never fill us.
We will forever be hungry.
A hunger that can never be filled.

Soon enough grey washed canvases will walk the earth like walking dead.
No more colorful canvases, canvases each unique to their own.
No more canvases painted by he who carries it.
No.
Canvases painted by everyone else than the carrier.
Canvases that all look the same.
No color. No imagination. Nothing beautiful.

Grey.
Dead.
Meaningless.