I’ve lost it – struggle is real.

I’ve lost it.
‘It’ being my will to do as society wants me to do. I never thought ending a chapter in my life would be this hard. I want it to end, but yet I don’t want to put in the work. Because I simply just don’t care enough about it anymore.
I’m talking about my degree.
I just need to write my dissertation. Last thing. Last step. Yet I’ve been extending the deadline for months. And now I am once again right on the edge with the deadline. Still… No progress… Why though? I mean I know why, no passion – no motivation.

But it’s really bad, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like it…
It’s bad. I can’t give up now. Last step. Last f!”#ing thing.
Okay well to be fair it’s not like its 10 pages, it’s about a book. That’s definitely partly the reason why it seems like it’s impossible… But apart from that, I have no genuine interest in doing it….

Oh life.
The me now would tell younger me to have stopped after my last degree. But I didn’t know any better then….

It is what it is.

I just gotta suck it up. But I don’t think I’ve ever struggled as badly as right now.
Struggle is real.


I forgot what day it is today.

The days pass like there’s no yesterday,

‘time waits for no man’ it just ticks away.

I am grateful, I am blessed, I get to see the time tick,

I am aware that it can all be gone in just one click.

Life is a mystery, life is a gift, life is whatever you choose for it,

yet I let my life pass me like a hypocrite.

Each day the same as yesterday, I forgot what day it is today.

All days look the same, no one else but myself to blame.

I call life a gift and say time isn’t given,

yet my words do not reflect my way of living.



I still care, but not that much.

I want to be a big person and say ‘I am happy for you’, but is it bad if I’m actually not? I want you to be happy, whatever makes you happy. I mean… Okay so its kinda weird. Because in reality I dont care if you’re happy or not, I want you to be well. However it just bothers me to see  you be the man for her, that you couldnt be for me. It bothers me because it shows and proves that you were a liar. It bothers me because I have a tendency of taking everything inward, like I wasn’t good enough or something. And truth be told, it was never that I wasnt good enough – I know that, it was just that I wasnt ready enough, at all. I wanted to be, but I wasn’t. Truly, deep down, I wasn’t. Have you moved on because you thought that we could never be, or because that was the choice you truly felt for?

I don’t know, as I write these things, it’s like my mind realizes, that in fact I dont care. Well, I do, but not in the way I thought. I am happy for you. If you can make one person’s life on this earth better, then that’s progress from who you used to be – and I would like to think that I was the reason for that. Because I made it possible for you to seek help and find yourself. I do believe you’ve not quite made it yet, but that is your journey and your life. Although I want you to succeed in life, I cant lie and tell you it would make me happy to see you succeed more than me. Is that mean? I don’t know, I guess its a competion, although it shouldnt be. I know its wrong for me to think that, but I want to win. Out of the two of us, I don’t want to feel like I failed. I want to delete that, but I wrote that… So yea. I mean, I guess your wins and losses dont really affect me, so why do I care?
I dont miss you like I used to, I think about you, but I don’t care like I once did.
I guess in the end I just want to want to care. But deep down I dont. And perhaps I’m not used to that. But it feels quite good. I am on this earth to make something for me, to make something for others.

You and I were never meant to be as lovers for life, just lovers for a while, to show each other what love is not and what love is. To show each other that we all have pain. We all have love. We all have care. To show each other that second chances exist. To show you that good people are out there. To show me that even the sweetest taste can turn bitter.
I want to believe people, but I don’t. I don’t believe anyone – at least not if its something that will have an impact on me. You taught me that seeing is truth as hearing is not. Sounds are lies and actions are truth. 

Does any of what I’ve written even make sense?

Either way, it makes sense to me.

Although I am happy by myself, I hope to find real love. I don’t want temporary love. Although life is temporary, love is timeless. 
I hope one day I will find the yin to my yang. Love that isn’t hard but just is. Communication, understanding and pure love. A man that rests within himself, a man that has so much love to give and isn’t afraid to receive either, a man of his words, a truthful and honest man. I want an angel, because I know I can give him everything I myself long for and more.

Angel. I never quite thought of it like that, but I guess so. An incredible creature of this world. I can’t wait to meet you, I love you already.

greener on the other side.

He thought the grass was greener on the other side,
little did he know it was just his pride.

Blinded by his pride and dellusions,
he chose to chase an illusion.

An illusion that would never be,
an illusion far from reality.

He thought the grass was greener on the other side,
but it was just a fantasy based on a lie.

A lie he had told himself out of fear,
because his mind was unclear.

His mind was unclear about love,
was love like a hand in a glove?

Or was love like milk to a cookie?
He was confused, a simple rookie.

A rookie that did not understand,
why he was just a boy and not a man.

He was not a man because he was helpless,
he was a boy because he was selfish.

He did not care what or who he destroyed,
the most important thing was his enjoys.

A confused and dellusional boy,
he thought the world was his toy.

Life has no mercy and does not spare,
soon this boy found himself in dispair.

Was love even possible or was it truly rare?
He met someone who taught him how to care.

Caring made him vulnerable and had his mind stirred,
it was promiscuity and no feelings he prefered.

He thought the grass was greener on the other side,
so he chose to give in to his pride.

Pride and ego – the perfect cocktail,
the perfect blend if you wish to fail.

He chose the other side, because he thought it was greener,
little did he know it would turn into a misdemeanor.




Living for the weekend isn’t living.

When I was younger I used to escape reality all the time…

Reading, TV shows or movies, music and daydreaming. All of it on the daily…

I used to dream before going to sleep, just to experience certain things I felt were so far from reality… Not human reality, just my current reality.

Escaping. I guess that was my thing, I loved to escape and imagine myself being someone else, living some other life… I guess that was what kept me going, the hope that better times would come? I’m not sure… But it was my drug.

Now? Today… It’s like life is just… Meaningless. Everything is as unreal as it is real.

We’re like ants on this planet except we cause destruction, pain and suffering. Our existence is causing everything on earth to die… Yet we’re too selfish to see that…

We wake up everyday to go to work. Make money so we can ‘survive’ and keep the cycle going. We live for the weekends… How wrong is that? The weekend is 2 days out of the 7 days of the week. Which basically means we only enjoy about 30% of our week… So only about 30% of our entire life is truly enjoyed? If we live to see 100 years that would be 70 wasted years… Honestly, that’s not a life worth living in my eyes… Every day should be enjoyed, and the start of the week should  be what we look forward to – a new week, clean slate. Not the weekend, because then we’re living wrong. Then we live for things to end and not for things to start… And that doesn’t really seem right, does it?

Right now, I won’t lie… Every day is a struggle, I try to remind myself how lucky I am and grateful… But when you’re in the middle of a storm that just seems to get worse, its not easy. And in reality it’s my own fault that the storm isn’t calming down but only getting worse… Yet I feel like I don’t have the power to stop it… Or perhaps even the will… All because I don’t see the point? I don’t start and not finish – this is why I’m going through the storm – no other reason. I don’t know anymore about anything and quite frankly I wish the level of writing I’m at right now would be the same for my paper – but it’s not. I’m tired. I’m sick and tired of putting myself through this pressure… I’m stressing, I know, but honestly I am not enjoying this… But I just have to, like a duty, I just have to get it over with… It’s not out of love or passion, it’s out of principle and obligations. It’s not from the heart it’s from the head.

Sometimes I truly wish I could just daydream and make it reality – how wonderful would that be?

I leave prints in people.

Anyone that truly gets to know me, can never really forget me.
Time after time I have had people come back and tell me what an impression I’ve had on them.
However this is something I sort of just realized… Now.

I guess I have a special energy or something.
I know it sounds crazy… But sometimes it feels as if I was chosen, chosen for something…
Other times I feel like I’m crazy, that I talk too much and that I’m too opinionated.

I don’t have all the answers in the world, but I have many. I do not believe that I know everything there is to know, I truly believe that I like anyone else will die and still have much I didn’t have time to learn – and that will be true to anyone as life is temporary and learning is infinite.

However I do believe I am more enlightened than many, especially within my own agegroup…

Although I have a hard time understanding the meaning of life, I accept that I am here and there may perhaps never be a meaning to life apart from the meaning I give to my own.

I’m not sure what my role in this world is, but I am sure that I am one of the few that will participate in making it a better place.