Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

Letter to my ex

Dear ex,

I think about you from time to time.

No, I don’t feel anything romantic towards you.
But in the end… It was five years ago that we started dating.
We were together for 3,5 years out of those five.
Then friends for 1 year after our break up.
So we’ve been in one another’s lives for 4,5 years out of those 5.

It’s been weird… I’ve adjusted though… To not having you in my life anymore.

I looked at some messages – but accident. Seems like they haven’t been completely deleted from my PC but stored in no-mans-land somewhere… Anyway…

I just realized… How mean I was sometimes.
How angry I was…
And honestly I am so sorry…

I truly am.
What an awful person I was.

I wasn’t happy. And I felt like it was your fault.
Thats where the anger came from.

We never talked like real people or adults.
We never gave it a chance to fix things the right way.

We were both trapped in our minds.

With our stupid mindsets…

I don’t know…

In the end I wasn’t turned on by you either.
But perhaps that came from the anger and unhappiness…

Who knows. Maybe even we’ll never know…

Sometimes it bothers me that I can’t tell you these things…

Because honestly … I want to say that I am sorry.
And explain myself… So you can understand everything.

You were a good guy.
Overall.
Yes there were some really bad things too…

But shit. I wasn’t that much better myself. At least not towards the end.
Full of anger. I could feel it through my messages.
I would lash out for no reason at all. No sane reason, that is.

I’m really sorry.

Really…
I am sorry I couldn’t be the one you fell in love with or give you the love you wanted.
And I told you this many times.
And I am sorry you weren’t the one I fell for in the end either.
I am sorry for the way things ended.
I am sorry for not being honest.
I am sorry for protecting you too much, and therefore forgetting the real issue.
Which was that talking was the way forward.
Instead I kept quiet.
And hate started building up inside me.
Which lead to me blaming you and then leaving you…

I’m truly sorry.

Time waits for no man.

It sure doesn’t !

Its been awhile since I last posted…

I don’t know. I’ve been busy I guess…

Mid november… December… January… Heck even february was great.

Since then its sort of just been going downhill…

Love and Luke.
I don’t know.
I mean … The love I had for him… In the past two weeks… It has disappeared.
Sort of …
I mean… I Think I still love him.
But … I’m not IN LOVE.

I dont have that bubbly feeling. Excitement.
I used to want to be with him all the time.

But now I don’t mind it, I don’t mind being alone.
I don’t feel like his company gives me anything …
Kind of makes me sad to think of it.

I was really hoping this guy would be my one…
The belief in me not being meant for love is growing…
I’m really unsure of everything…

I feel…
Empty…
Sad…
I’m not sure what to do.
I’m not sure what it takes exactly to fix everything…

At the moment I just feel like everything is shit.
I don’t even know what I want to do with my life…

I don’t feel like studying.. Nor do I feel like working.
I don’t feel like doing anything.

I feel like …
This wasn’t the life that I was made for.
Nor was I made for this life.
Nor was I made to live like this.

I’ve said it before, Ill say it again: I’m just looking for happiness.
And I have no clue how to find it or achieve it.

Well I think I know, but I don’t.
I don’t think anyone does.

I’m just plain tired of everything…

I’m upset.

I just wanted love…
I thought I finally found love.

I feel like he’s… I don’t know :(
Makes me sad.
I don’t feel happy…

I just really wonder sometimes…
If everything would be easier if I wasn’t on this earth anymore.

I wonder… I honestly do.

I don’t know what I want.
I guess I’m waiting for a miracle of some kind.

… Right now I’m just hanging in there…
Hoping for better times.
Lets see…

Dear Luke…

I love you. But sometimes you hurt me. You make me sad. You make me upset.

Sometimes you make me happy. You make me smile. You make me laugh.

But honestly… I don’t like being sad.

If I’m sad because I miss you – well that’s life. That’s just how it is sometimes…
But sometimes you make me sad by what you say… What you do.

I feel like sometimes… I’m that ‘old fashioned’ woman that you’ve always wanted… One that can cook and clean. Please you in the bedroom…

But I feel like you don’t see me as someone to have fun with. Like I’m only a ‘pleaser’…

I’m really sorry if this is hurtful or mean. That’s just how I feel…

Like honestly. I don’t know when you’ve ever cancelled with your friends for me. Whilst I’ve done it plenty of times… Whilst I’ve done it because you made me feel guilty… Like I was an ass if I let you wait for me… Like yesterday. I was supposed to meet my friend. I cancelled. Why? Because you said ‘then I have to wait for an hour or two before you’re done… What am I supposed to do in those hours? And then dinner will be late…’ blabla… Really…

Then today we were supposed to not just be at home. But go out. Not for dinner. Just out a bit. Maybe sit at a café or something…

Didn’t happen. I was supposed to meet my friend later in the day … Didn’t happen. We were supposed to workout. But because everything else was delayed with you… I couldn’t meet with her and workout because the gym closes early… So I cancelled – once again.

But right before I remembered that the gym closes early – and that we therefore couldn’t delay our appointment, but had to cancel … You made a ‘date’ with your friends.
10 mins before I cancelled with my friend. And you couldn’t even cancel your date… Like really?

So what if you just told them? Tell them you cant. It’s not like it was planned for days ahead. Even dates planned days ahead I’ve cancelled for you.

When have you cancelled for me? I don’t recall one single time. Not one single time.

So , thank you. You make me feel so special. Like a special piece of shit. Even when you can see that I’m bothered – you ignore it. Thanks.

I want to give you the world. But you only want to give me the oceans.

That’s how I feel.

I don’t think you love me like I love you.

It hurts to say it. Sometimes there are things we don’t want to say or admit out loud. Because they hurt.

But I think that’s how it is.

Maybe I wasn’t made for anyone. Or maybe no one was made for me.

I really feel worthless.

Maybe I’m the actual issue when it comes to everything… Either way. I am how I am. I’m just sensitive when I love someone. I can’t help but have expectations and interpret everything one says and does.
The way I understand things… I just don’t feel truly appreciated. I don’t…

I might have issues – I wont deny that being a possibility… In the end that’s just how I am. And if the person I’m with can’t deal with it… Well then that person can just leave it be.

I feel really empty inside right now. Like … I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’m not able to love… Like something’s wrong with me.
Like I set the bar far too high.

And then I ask myself; well what kind of man do you want?
And I can’t even answer that question. I don’t want a specific kind of man. I want someone who’s nice and thoughtful… Good in bed of course, but also someone who has goals in their life and educated…

Sometimes I just wish I felt like I was your world, like you are mine. But I’m not. I can feel it.
I am not your everything. And it hurts. It hurts because you are my everything. It hurts because Im not in a relationship just to be in a relationship… Im in a relationship because I’m looking ahead, forward, planning my future. I’m in a relationship with you, not for fun, but because you’re a potential future husband. Lifepartner.
In my world you invest from the beginning. I have a feeling like… you’re gonna lose me… And then we’ll see, then we’ll see where your friends are. Where will your friends be when they’re off being married and having kids? Not by your side I can reassure you… then what? Then you’ll regret it…

As I’m feeling right now – I am feeling scared. Scared for having spent the money I have on the summer holidays. That’s whats so risky about booking ahead.
Scared because … How I’m feeling now… I really just want to walk away and say fuck it.
I compare – yes I do… Im sorry – but I do…
And I don’t think I’ve been hurt in this sense before as such…
My ex was always there… He was there for me even when he wasn’t my boyfriend. He did it out of love. I know he did. And I think thats what I’m missing here. Like you do it out of convenience… When you have time you’ll see me. I’m the person to fill out your sparetime…

I just wish I meant the same to you, as you mean to me.

I just wish you’d enjoy my presence and company as much as I enjoy yours. I put myself and everything aside for you. I see you when you can, even if its inconvenient for you… But it doesn’t go the other way around.

I don’t think thats right… Maybe I’m the idiot.
Maybe I’m just supposed to get my shit together, and say no when its not convenient… Why should I mess up my plans etc for you? When you don’t do it for me?

… Oh how about sunday… When you decided to drop by around the time I was off work? I thought it was so sweet. You had just dropped me off at work some hours before…
But really, it was because your friend stood you up. So … I was second best, right?

Tired as I was, I went to your place to eat after work… And we sat and we discussed and talked and it went bad … but then we made up before I left… By then it was shit o’clock … but I had to go home. I didn’t have my stuff and I had to get up in the morning and had stuff to do – so I had to be in my own home.
You didn’t go with me – fine. But … honestly… It took me like 1-1,5 hrs to get home, in the middle of the night. Im a grown woman. But still… I did that, although I was second.

As I said. I’m just there to fill in time. You make plans and where ever I fit in, you make plans.
Thats how I feel. Im sorry… But thats the picture you paint for me. Whether true or not.
But this friends issue is pretty much the only issue we have.
It’s starting to look like its gonna be a problem for me.

I barely see you. Like c’mon. Will we ever get to know one another at this level and pace?

I used to be with my ex everyday… For the first 1,5 years… We were together everyday. Every weekend.

Really. His friends were the ones to fill in, not me. He made plans based on me. Not based on his friends – and then filled me in when there was time. No. I was his number 1.

… I don’t know…

I just… dont know…

Sometimes I just feel like… I wasn’t made for love. Like I am not meant to be loved…

One step forward, two steps back.

It’s been a little while since I’ve last written an entry, around three weeks.

A lot has happened in these three weeks though… I feel like my life is constantly being flipped upside down. It’s a constant battle and fight for me to ‘flip it back’…

The case is that I’ve had to move out of where I was living – I wasn’t happy there anyway, because of the roommates… But now I’ve moved into my moms apartment (she doesn’t live her)… But … It feels really weird. And weirdly enough it doesn’t feel like ‘home’.
I really do feel ‘homeless’… Home is where the heart is they say.
I feel like perhaps everything is close to fine when I’m with Luke. Goes well with home is where the heart is…

I don’t know. It’s difficult.

I mean… Our relationship is still pretty new… Sort of. It’s been almost four months now. Since our first conversation. First date. In about a week it will hit the first contact/conversation. And in two weeks the first date.

Four months.

It’s really not that long…
When I think about it.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve known him for longer…
Other times I do see, that we don’t know each other that well… There’s still much we don’t know about one another. It takes time…

I don’t know… I really want him to be my ‘one’.

Being here in this apartment… Well it makes me think that, I’m really not one of those people that can be alone. I mean of course I can, but I feel better when I’m not.
I’m independent, don’t get me wrong. But I really love and appreciate company. The presence of another person. Love it when its a partner. Someone to cuddle. Hug. Kiss. Having someone sleep next to you. You wake up and you’re not alone…
When you go to sleep you feel the warmth of another person. There’s someone. You’re not alone.

The feeling of not being alone, is really priceless to me. I don’t know…

For some reason … I didn’t feel like this when I was alone in the other home… I don’t know what it is.
Although I hated the people there. I don’t know what it is about this home.

I feel like… When I move (again), which will probably be relatively soon, I don’t think I’ll be able to move to something on my own. I’m not sure?
Maybe it’s different if I move to something new. Something thats mine. Something I’ll decorate from start. Somewhere where there won’t be any memories.

Because right now… Being alone in this apartment… Makes me think about my ex…

How he used to travel 45 mins to come here. To be with me. Keep me company. Because he knew I felt lonely. Because he knew it made me sad.

For some reason. I think of him.
I think about the good. I think about the bad. The bad when we argued. Yelled. Cried.

Good when he brought one of my favorite snacks… Would keep me company. Lie all cuddled on the couch and watch TV …

I don’t know. It’s really only been two days in this home.
I know I have to give it time.
But this home brings such a burden to my heart. I feel heavy on the heart. I don’t feel … ‘Free’.
So I don’t feel happy.

The past two to three days have made me irritable… I’ve been such a grumpy ass. I’ll admit it.
I’ve been so unfair and grumpy towards Luke… No patience for anything.

I’ve told him I’m sorry… He seems to understand and be fine with it…
But I’m scared he might think elsewise… I don’t know. Rejection scares me.

I’m scared honestly… I love him. I really do.
He’s a big part of my life now…
I don’t think I can stand to lose him…

At the same time… I really fear that our intelligence levels are way apart. I mean … He’s really not too bright sometimes and really slow. Sometimes he doesn’t even get the obvious…
But then I wonder. Maybe because of my way of thinking (logical thinking) and my level of intelligence, makes me think that some things are obvious – whilst they might not be. They might not be obvious to some, or perhaps to many… Perhaps they’re not obvious to the average person.

I want to be a better person:
Less of a temper
More patience
More understanding (in terms of people and mentality/intelligence)

I want to better myself…
I want my motivation to get things done and to do things back. I want to get my shit together.
I want to feel normal. I want to be free. I want to be happy…

For some reason I just feel a constant burden. A black cloud. Lack of energy…

I don’t know.
I try my best.

Hopefully I’ll get there step by step.
Taking a step back doesn’t mean you still haven’t moved forward, when looking back at the starting line. I*ve come a decent way. I’ve also taken some steps back. But I haven’t given up.

I’m a work in progress.
An unfinished work of art.

Am I too sensitive?

I don’t know… Sometimes I wonder if my bar is set too high… Or if I’m just too sensitive…

I want to be with someone who feels like myself. I want to be with someone who wants to spend as much time with me as I want with them…

It makes me sad honestly…

Luke is thinking about moving towards the end of the year… Maybe around summer even… So about that time we almost hit ‘1 year’ … We will have been together for a year around then…

Now… He wants to move, but the consequence is that the rent will be really high… Which mean – he can’t afford it on his own…
Now he’s telling me, that he and his good friend (and ‘business partner’) are thinking of moving together…

Am I too sensitive? I kind of think thats bull… Like why would you want to move in with your friend… Why not me?

Its really bad to compare… But somehow I was emotionally more satisfied in my old relationship – and thats why I can’t stop comparing… Whilst this one is more physically satisfying … It’s not really emotionally satisfying. I don’t feel like I’m getting enough love. Isn’t that weird? He talks so much about how wonderful and beautiful I am… About this and that. And that he loves me and bla… But why is it that I hear it – and believe it… But then after a while… I don’t see it or feel it…

Honestly … Maybe Im off… But I don’t think its bad to move in together after a year…

I get that … So far I’m still new in his life. The friends he has have been there for years… But the thing is, unless he invests more… Well then I won’t stick around for long… Lets be real.

I feel like I’m taken for granted. I really do. It’s not a nice feeling to be quite frank.

I’m really on the verge of giving up and walking away… Im on the verge of saying fuck everything.
Travel to the other side of the world, where I know someone… And see if there is anything there… And if there is… Then finish my studies completely and move there. Far, far away …

The fact that my thoughts have even wondered off to that kind of scares me.

One minute I’m telling myself I’m an idiot the next I’m thinking he’s the idiot. I can’t seem to make up my mind…

Its frustrating.

You’re supposed to be together a lot in the beginnings…

I don’t know if I’ll ever find love, since I feel like I’m always being used as a trophy …
So its hard for me to distinguish between that and someone who actually loves me…

The saddest thing is that the guy I’m dating – he doesn’t put me on top of his list, doesn’t even have to be number one… But my best friend does. And until he gets married, I think I always will. I know I come after his family and religious duties. But you cannot really come before that either, as a friend at least. I know if I was dating him, I’d be at least second, after family… If not even first, together with family…

I think my expectations of life, the world and people is killing me. I think it will ruin me… be the end of me.

I really want to lower my expectations – but its hard. Its hard to lower your expectations, especially when the bar set for them are based on what you do for others yourself. When its based on reflections of yourself.

Its hard to lower expectations of others that are set by no other bar than the reflections of yourself.

Im disappointed.
I think the only thing I ever want in life is to feel important to someone.
Like I’m a vital part of their life.

I once had this person. But the problem was that there was nothing else to it than that…
I don’t crave being loved only – I wan’t to love back equally…
So in reality… I crave the love I give… And thats my reality…
So perhaps my expectations and craving make me ‘too’ sensitive…

I don’t know? Am I being rational? or totally irrational and needy?

Will I ever be happy?

I do wonder … Perhaps even on a daily basis, if I will ever be happy… Will I ever be in love?

Oh how I really do love Luke … But … I don’t know. I doubt… I have so many doubts.

I just dont know …
I wonder if there was ever made someone for me out there…
I really do …

I feel so weird.

I feel so alone.

I’m scared I’ll never feel truly in love and satisfied.

Is it because I don’t know what I want? Or is it because I don’t have what I in fact need?
Will any man ever be enough? Or will I encounter the same thought/problems no matter what?
This is the thirds guy that I’ve kind of gotten close to… And it’s the same thoughts… I can’t seem to figure out what the hell I want and what the hell my problem is…

Is it because, I’m not happy about myself? …

I wish I had all the answers …

Upset.

It’s never about the people that are with you through the good times, it’s about those who are there through the bad.

Anyone and everyone can and want to be there when the sun is shining, but what about when the storm comes? When the sky turns grey and starts raining. When the wind comes and rages, and not much is left after. What about then?
That’s when you need someone, thats when it’s essential, that there’s someone to plant new seeds that will grow when the skies slowly disappear and the suns ray are welcome once more…

Today, Sunday February 1st 2015.
Dear Luke,
here’s a little view of the inside of my head, some thoughts… Things I can’t say, not now at least… Maybe I’ll never get to say it …
I’ve been with you the last 2 weeks, since you were injured. I came to the hospital, although it was far away from me and I didn’t have to… But I wanted to. I decided to stay in your home, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. To keep you company, since you couldn’t really go anywhere… To take care of you. I’ve cooked for you. Cared for you. Helped you.
Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, because I love you.
I basically put my life aside for you. There was training that needed to be done, which didn’t happen. I set it aside for you. Friends I was supposed to see, which I didn’t, I postponed. Things I had to do, but I didn’t, because I decided that being with you was more important…
I did it because I care.
I did it out of love.

Today.

Today I came home. Because tomorrow I have a job interview early morning. Because tomorrow I start my last semester.
Today I got some bad news and I’ve been down.
Two weeks. Two weeks is a long time of not doing anything, almost nothing. I’m on the verge. I’m glad that today was the last day of doing nothing, because quite frankly I can’t not do anything a day longer.

I’m upset. I’m upset about a lot of things…
I’m upset I haven’t worked out. I’m upset my body isn’t how I want it to be… That aside.
I’m upset about my current living condition, but I’m trying to deal best as possible.
I’m upset that life doesn’t always go the way I wish it would.
I’m upset that my so called friend, so called even best friend (girl) let’s name her Nora, is an asshole.
I’m upset that I generally don’t have that many people around me, as it seems as everyone else does.
I’m upset that I feel a little neglected by you.

I’m upset that you can find energy to go out with your friends, but you can’t with me. Now your friends might be able to pick you up by car and with me its bus or train… But you’re no longer in such bad shape that it’s impossible… Therefore I am upset.
I am upset that I’ve kind of made you my number one, but I’m not yours. I don’t feel like it anyway.

Friends are important. But so am I.
If you don’t invest enough, the payback won’t be great enough either. It really is like a financial investment. Only this one is emotional and perhaps lifelong.

I’m upset that I feel like I can’t talk to you. I want to. But I don’t feel like I can…

It upsets me how you talk and say the most amazing things, but I don’t always feel like you live up to the things you say.

Maybe we’ve spent too much time together where I’ve felt trapped… I don’t know…

Good to get a break.

But right now, I’m just upset with you…

Letter to Olly

Dear Olly,

I avoided you. I ignored your messages. I thought I didn’t care. I had someone else. I’m loyal.

Some circumstances today meant I had to communicate with you… It made me think. Oh boy. Why was I even having these thoughts… I cared so much for you. Still do , care about you.

Made me think of all your feelings that were involved … I feel bad. I’m sorry. But … I really did like you. Some circumstances just meant it wasn’t possible or meant to be. You’ve set your mark on me. I wont lie.

Our time together was pretty good. Im glad to have those memories. There has to be a reason why we meet the people That we do. I truly believe that. Having met you has made my life richer. Yes it has.

Why am I thinking of you right now? Is it because of our conversation? Or is it something else? I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted or needed. It wasn’t our time.

Maybe that’s what it’s all about … The time. In the end it might just be about time. Where we are mentally when we meet. If we’re somewhat the same place, then it’s the right time… I was ahead in time. So it wasn’t our time … I really wish you all of the best in life. I truly do. I wish you’ll do something with your life.

Best of luck to you Olly.

Damn you, Cold Feet!

A month ago I wrote a post about cold feet… Wondering if I was born with cold feet.

Honestly… I think I was. I’m not sure what it is. For some reason… I always go over things in my head. Wondering if everything is right. If I’ve made the right choice. Is this the right guy…
I keep thinking… Too many thoughts.

“Are we right for each other?”
“Can I live like this?”
“Can I live with him?”
“Could we make it?”
“Is he the one I will marry? Have kids with?”

I never seem to be able to set my mind straight. Im always thinking. Wondering.
Thinking about running before its too late. I want to be ahead. I want to know… I don’t know. I want to run before it becomes ‘too late’ before too many emotions are involved…
I don’t know why. But guys have to give me a reason to stay, because I will always – by instinct, find a reason to run. Always.

I have no idea where it comes from. I always seem to think of running…
I’m scared no one was ever made for me.
Scared.

Yes, Scared. That’s what I am.

I am scared… Doubtful.
I think. Too. Much.
And I can’t stop or help it. I just overthink all the time.

I don’t know. I guess maybe sometimes my standard is too high – my expectations… My imagination and expectation of ‘the perfect’ guy…
I think the issue is, I don’t even know what the hell I want myself.

I need friends. Maybe thats it. Maybe I just need friends that I can entertain myself with. So that my partner doesn’t become my everything… Although … I think that’s wrong too… Because your partner has to be your everything? Right? I mean how can you live with someone the rest of your life, unless they’re your everything. Not in an unhealthy sense, but more like… I don’t know.
Am I way off? Or really wrong?
I don’t know…
But… Damn you! Cold feet!

It’s been a while…

I’ve been really busy since the new year started.
A lot of things have been happening… Good and bad I guess.

Good, well me and Luke are good. It’s going well… He gave me a ring, a promise ring I guess. It’s kind of cute, yet kind of weird too. I dont know… I feel like rings are only for marital purposes, unless they’re big chunky fashionista rings. Like a big beautiful swarovski or like YSL or something like that, you know what I mean? … Anyway… My opinion on it. I feel like it’s a territorial kind of thing. For him to ensure that people know I’m taken… I’m not sure how I feel about that… At the same time I want people to know that I am taken without having to say so – because quite frankly I dont love it when guys hit on me. Why? Because 99.5% of the time I’m not interested… And when I am with someone I am 110% uninterested. So yea my opinion on it is kind of split…

Anyway so far so good. I mean so far we’re doing good. I can’t really foresee how things will be with us… Whether we’ll stick or not… I think we’re quite different, yet we have our similarities. I just think, as long as we treat each other right, then we might make it. I don’t think its based on how similar or different you are. It’s about the balance and about how you treat each other and how you make each other feel. It’s really about acceptance. Do you accept your partner for who and what they are?
Time will tell as I always say – although I would say so far its going really good.

Now to the bad…
Friends. Friends are sometimes the worst. Really… I mean some friends are just your friends because you’ve known them for so long… Not because they actually do shit for you. Really… I have a friend… I’ve known her for about 7 years… We weren’t close for 7 years, but we met around 7-7.5 years ago.
Anyway we started to really become friends around 6 years ago… Which is still quite long… I don’t have many friends – I’ll be honest. I don’t get along too well with most females. They just annoy me. I don’t know… I just hate fakeness, and many females are really fake… People in general are… But the thing with women is that, we just don’t get along too well… Because even before they know me, they dislike me… I don’t mean to sound arrogant or self-absorbed or anything as such – because I’m really not, but I think its because women are jealous of me… Therefor they dont like me, and therefore we don’t really get along. I don’t think women like a genuinely nice female who is not obese or ugly… Nor dumb.
Also a lot of people are just too ‘stupid’ for my liking… I mean I just can’t deal with people that are retarded or really unintelligent… I don’t want to sound like a complete asshole – but it’s the truth. I just don’t have the patience or nerve…
So who do I get along with? Guys.
Issue here is that I get along really well with guys. But I’m still a woman and they’re still men. In the end they always fall for me. Which is bad. Because when single I am not interested… And when I am taken, its inconvenient and inappropriate…

So yea, point being – my circle of friends is limited. I have friends, but not many whom I like to actually hang out with… I have a handfull of friends. But in the end I really only have one friend. One friend that I can always count on. That friend is a guy.
A guy who used to be in love with me, I’m sure he still is, and perhaps may always be.
Because of his religion he can’t have me – thank god. Because I am not interested at all. He’s not my type in that way, so I am glad there are other things that keep us apart on that level … Anyway , this is not what’s ‘important’ here. I went off topic… My friend (girl) whom I’ve been friends with for 6 years…
Oh what kind of drama I’ve had with her. She’s only my friend because I’ve known her for so long. She’s selfish and manipulating. She only cares about her and her needs and she will never take the blame for her mistakes.
I’ve given this girl so many chances, so much time and energy… I’ve given her a lot. All I’ve ever gotten back is shit…
I know , why not just cut her off? I don’t know … I mean I don’t need her in my life, but sometimes its nice to have someone to hang out with… Thats it…
But I’m done, I’m done being her friend. Im sick and tired of her. I don’t need someone who doesn’t appreciate the things I do for them…
She’s a complete ass. Haven’t talked to her for 2 weeks or so… I’m done.
And when Im done, Im done. If she wants to hang out or anything, she can contact me. I don’t need her…

I don’t need negative energy in my life… I just want to be in peace and happy. I feel like she always needs to be a dick. I think she’s someone that doesn’t wish to see me happy… I wish to see her happy, but Im not sure she feels like that on my behalf…

Anyway , I just needed to rant a little…

*Rant done*

My goals are to not have people get me down. Especially people that don’t deserve my time or friendship. Especially someone that hasn’t brought anything positive to my life. I won’t let people bring me down. Thats something that I will work on. I dont want to let people have influence on my mood and life.

No one but I , should have influence on my mood.
I seek happiness, I will try my best to make it happen, no one who’s not important is going to stand in the way of that…

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