Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress



Dewy windows.

The sound of birds chirping and singing.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee.

The fresh smell from the bakery of all the yummy goods, sweet and savory.


The fresh start of the day.


Cars honking.
Crowds of people.
People rushing through.
Everyone are wrapped up in their own minds.
They all fail to notice the beauty surrounding them.

Everyone are in a hurry. Everyone are stressed.


Mornings are supposed to be calm. A good start to the day.
What a time to activate all your senses and positive thinking.


What a time to be alive, you woke up, you were granted another day.

Enjoy the little things. Activate your sense. Feel life, dont just live it.
Be alive, dont just exist.


It is not until you experience emptiness that you understand your size in the universe.

It is not until you understand how uncomfortable you feel in your own company, that you realize how little you love yourself.

It is not until you realize that you don’t love yourself that you start looking at the reasons why.

Once you start to look at the reasons behind the lack of selflove, you start to analyze.

When you analyze, you become aware.

Once you become aware, you start to question.

As you start to question, you begin to wonder.

It is not until you wonder, that you truly question.

It is not until you wonder, that you truly understand.

It is not until you truly understand, that you seek answers.

Once you seek answers, you will either get them or get more questions.

Sometimes the wisdom does not lie within the answers, sometimes it is the question, and the ability to question that makes you wiser.


Hello, my name is B.

B for:



Could you find at least 3 words that you are?

Never forget how beautiful you are❤



Social media pt. II

“I’m good enough.”

“I’m popular.”

“I’m loved.”

“I’m hot.”

“Yes. Yes I am”, she said with doubt in her voice.
Desperately shuffling through instagram.
“Oh look at this girl. Omg she’s so pretty. Gosh.”
She looks in the mirror and thinks to herself: “If only my nose was smaller, if only I weighed a little less… I wish my ass was fuller. Urgh, why cant my hair be big and luscious like those girls with perfect hair…”
Starring at her reflection with critical eyes, repulsed by what she sees. So obsessed with the thought of being flawless, she fails to see that she is a natural beauty herself.

“I’m sexy.”

“I’m wanted.”

“I’m cool.”

“I’m totally good enough.”

“Look at you handsome! Damn!” He said trying to convince himself that these complements were truthful.
He looks in the mirror and flexes his muscles, “I wish my biceps were bigger, I wish my chest was more cut… I wish I looked more like those professional bodybuilders.”
He desperately goes on his instagram, “I’m good, I’m good. Look! Look at all those girls liking, commenting and following you man, you’re the shit. See, they think you’re sexy as hell. The girls want you man, you’re more than good enough.”
He looks back in the mirror and thinks “…but if only…”

Desperately hurt by their own thoughts and insecurities they cling on to their phones.
Snap, snap, snap… Wait, another one, snap.

*Choose picture*
“Hmm… Filter or no filter?”

Maybe if I put this picture up that guy, whose attention I want so bad, might notice it. She uploads a selfie. “What should I caption this? It needs to seem like I’m cool, I love myself and I’m unbothered… Hmm…” She writes, then deletes, then writes, and deletes. “Okay I got it, ‘Feeling grateful’… Or… ‘Unbothered’ … No wait, that will make it seem as if I am bothered… He’ll know, he’ll definitely know…” She thinks and thinks, “Strawberry kisses. Yes. It doesn’t mean anything and its random, but I’m throwing a kissy face selfie, so yea… My kisses taste like strawberries, because they’re sweet! Yes, thats good.” *Upload*

She sits glued to her screen. *Refresh* 1 minute passes, *refresh*. She waits… She watches… “Who’s liking my picture? Who’s commenting? Urgh! I wonder if he’s seen it… Wonder if he’ll like it when he does see it.” *Refresh* “Okay I’m going to check what people I am following are liking…” *Scrolls* “Wait what, thats him! Oh my god, he’s liking girls pictures… Who’s this girl… Gosh… Is she prettier than me? What does she have that I don’t have? … Why isn’t he liking MY picture? … Fuck… I’m not good enough… I knew it… Maybe I should delete it… I can’t look at this anymore, going back to my own profile.” *Refresh feed* “Aww cute cat… DAMN what a hot bod… Wait… That’s him, he just uploaded this… Why hasn’t he liked my picture? Fuck it, I’m not gonna like his picture either…” *Keeps on scrolling* “Fuck…” *Goes back to guy’s photo* “Let me see who has liked his pictures… Oh gosh it that girl whose picture he liked, I wonder if they talk… Maybe they’re really into each other. Shit, she just commented… Oh my god. Okay he definitely likes her and she likes him, and he’s totally talking with her, why else would she comment on his picture like that. Fuck it, maybe I should unfollow him?” *Refreshes likes on own picture* “Wait, what? He liked my picture??? What the hell… Oh, I knew it, he still thinks I’m hot, because why the hell not – I totally am! I mean, look at me. I guess I can like his back too then… But I gotta wait at least five minutes first.”
He scrolls through his ‘discover page’ pictures of pretty girls come up. *Like, like, like* “Better like these girls’ pictures to see if they like me back, oh wait I should upload that sixpack picture I took before.” *Uploads picture*
“Oh dope! That hot girl liked my picture back! And commented… She thinks I’m hot!” *Looks in mirror* “Well… I am quite handsome, what can I say. Oh she followed me too! Hmm I should follow her back…” *Follows* *Goes to feed and refreshes*
“Oh it’s that girl… She’s cute and natural… I like that.” *Likes her picture* “She uploaded that not long ago, maybe she’ll see my picture too… I hope she likes it. Too bad she doesn’t talk much, I guess she’s not really interested… Maybe she has a boyfriend or something… Or… Does she not think I’m hot?” *Scrolls, likes, scrolls* Ten minutes passes whilst he’s looking through instagram, looking at other guys – comparing himself. *Refreshes likes* “OH! She liked my picture! I guess she does think I’m pretty hot… Cool.”


And so they proceed their games and lies, whilst none of the two know that they have a good eye for one another… None of them know how the other person feels or what they think.

They both suffer in silence, whilst putting up a facade.

She uploads pictures of her body, selfies, social activities and so on – she wants people to think that she’s so confident about herself… She loves herself, people love her – she has friends! Her life is so awesome…
Whilst in reality its nothing but…

He does the same, pretending he’s heartless, a player, that he got his game right… That he has money to buy awesome clothes and shoes and so on. He pretends like he has a lot of self confidence and that his selection of dream girls is endless… Whilst in reality he seeks something else deep down – but he ignores this feeling, because he doesn’t have feeling… Or so he tries to convince himself.

social media complexities.

We’ve all got insecurities.
We’ve all got complexities.

We all pretend we’re not insecure.
We all pretend we don’t have complexities.

We like to pretend that we are full of self confidence.
That our self esteem is as high as can be.
That we are happy.
That everything couldn’t be better as of right now.

We want to convince the world that we are great, we are beautiful, we are everything nice with an addition of spice.
We want to pretend, and we want them to confirm our play-pretend.

We yearn to be accepted, confirmed and loved.
Fake acceptance, confirmation and love.

We’re blind.

We’ve become so good at lying that it all seems as real to us as it does on the screen.
We’ve forgotten what the reality of things are.

We’ve forgotten who we are.

Who am I?

Who am I, if I am not that person that portrays themselves on social media?
Who am I, if I do not get at least 100 likes?
Who am I, if I don’t get more likes or follows than ‘that other person’?

Who am I?
Who have I become?
Who is this play-pretend person?

It’s not me.

This person looks confident, unbothered and happy.
This person, that bears my face.
Behind that facade lies the pieces of a person with low self-esteem, insecurities, acceptance-seeking issues and negative thoughts.

Who are we without social media?
Who are we when we’re not on display?
WHO are YOU?
WHO am I?

You don’t know me.
I barely know me.
Even if you knew me a month ago, I am not the same anymore.
I am on a journey.
Everyday I am changing.
Changing towards the better.
As every day passes, you will know me less and less.

I am not who you think I am.
I am not who I’ve portrayed myself to be.
I am me. A me that has yet to come out.
You will see.
You will experience this ‘me’, but you will never truly know me.


I feel sick.
I feel sick to my stomach.

I feel sad.
Yet I feel nothing.

It’s like empty space. A dark room. Empty.
With a sense of sadness to it.

That’s how I feel.

I feel empty.

Yet I feel everything.

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

I feel unloved.

I feel useless.

I feel very sad.

I feel an overwhelming sadness.





I feel like an abandoned child.
Alone. Afraid. Sad. In need of love and affection.

I feel all alone in the world. I feel unloved. Uncared for.

I need someone to hold me, hug me, comfort me, tell me everything will work out.
I need someone to love me, support me and care for me.

Firstly, I know, I need to be that someone to myself.

I miss you. Or do I?
Why does it hurt?

Why does life hurt?

It hurts.

Every part of me is hurting.

My heart is aching. Its like the feeling of abandonment as a child is coming back. The hurt, the neglect, the loneliness.

I cant think of anyone I’d like to hold me and let me cry.
I cant think of anyone…

Maybe you. Maybe you…


But hey, dont worry girl… Don’t worry.
You will get through this.
You will get through this…

Pain is temporary.
Shake it off.
Shake if off…

Let it out.
Calm down.

Everything will be alright…

You’ll make it through this.
Be patient.
Give it time.
Give it effort.
Make it happen.

Dont think about what others have done, or are doing.

Dont think about others.
Its not about them.
Its about you.
Stop running away and putting your energy on outside sources.
Its not about them, its about you. You. YOU.

No matter what you do, or don’t do – it has nothing to do with everything that is out of your reach and control. So focus on you, what is within your reach and control.

Life is not eternal, neither is pain. A bump on the road is a temporary surprise on your route, it doesn’t steer you in the wrong direction… It just wakes you up whilst you’re moving on your path…

Your past will not hold you down, you will turn it into a strength.
Have faith, have hope, have will, have belief.
You will get through this. You will get through this as fast as you wish.
Dont you worry about that.
Worry about you.


word of the day: anger.

I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like screaming, yelling, crying. Getting all my frustration out.

I feel annoyed.

I feel angry.

I feel like my world is collapsing.

I feel like people are stepping over my boundaries.


Once again, outside sources…

People tend to bring notning but stress.

This is where everything collapses for me, as soon as the subject of other people are involved.

Relying on others etc. etc.

I. Just. Cant.

I am sick and tired of people’s comments, lack of understanding and boundaries.

Perhaps it’s me there’s something wrong with.

People make me angry.






I make myself angry.

Get your shit together girl, step it up.

… But… Step what up? I feel lost.

I don’t feel good.

I don’t feel good…




word of the day: independence.


Now why is this the word of the day?

Because… Note to self: unless you do things according to your own plan, knowledge, timing etc. – it will never be as you imagine it. Even if you imagine it with another person. Don’t. Because you cannot imagine something that is controlled by the presence of anyone else than yourself.

And I think this might be why my solo travel was one of my best travels yet… Because I was independent. I didn’t rely on anyone, I could do whatever I pleased – whenever I pleased. I didn’t have to worry about another party – their mood, availability or their financial status. And that my friends, is why you have the most fun when you just do the things you want to do when YOU want to do them… Otherwise you can wait a whole lifetime without a result.

You’ll never get much done if your decisions are all based on someone else making the same decision.
If there is something you want to do – just do it. Let people join you if you like, but dont make the plans based on them…


I am ungrateful.(am I?)

I am ungrateful.

I am ungrateful when I wake up in my bed.

I am ungrateful when I turn the tap and clean water comes out.

I am ungrateful when I plug in my electronics.

I am ungrateful when I open the fridge and take something out.

I am ungrateful when I eat.

I am ungrateful when I drink.

I am ungrateful when I taste.

I am ungrateful when I hear.

I am ungrateful when I speak.

I am ungrateful when I see.

I am ungrateful when I move.

I am ungrateful when I am independent.

I am ungrateful when I am healthy.

I am ungrateful.


I am not ungrateful when I remember to be aware of my abilities and my privileges.

However by never remembering how lucky I truly am, how privileged I truly am, I am unconsciously being ungrateful.

We all take things for granted each and every day.

You woke up 10 minutes late – SHIT! … How about, it happens, but at least I woke up today. Somewhere, someone, did not have the privilege of waking up today.

You ran for the bus, yet you still missed it – FML! … How about, you’re so lucky that you have somewhere to be to actually care about missing the bus? And most importantly, you had the ability of running. You have legs that function and you can run and walk as you please.

Gratefulness, positivity, appreciation.

You are lucky. Unlucky are those who do not take responsibility, is that you? You are not unlucky because you missed the bus – you just didn’t manage your time well enough, if that was the bus you were SUPPOSED to catch.  If it wasn’t, then its more like ‘ah bummer! Oh well. Having caught it would’ve only been a bonus, no loss or harm done.’ Always try to ad a positive spin to things, instead of running to negative twists and thoughts – they wont do you any good anyway, so what do you need them for?


to and fro.

I guess its funny how I find myself being so ambitious and yet so unenthusiastic.

I feel like I am so extraordinary that I can do extraordinary things, I feel like I am not an average person. I feel like I will succeed at heights that are quite unimaginable by many of my friends.

At the same time I feel stupid. I feel like I’m inexperienced. I feel like I have NO idea of how to execute the type of job I imagine myself occupying…

And then… Then I think, well what are my goals and dreams just exactly again?

I’m so confused. I’m so disorganized. So out of touch.

Like honestly, I’ve been meaning to tidy and sort my bedroom and clothes up for weeks… And I haven’t. And every time I look at it, or go to bed, it annoys me.

It annoys me – yet I can’t get my act together to do something about it.

I blame it on the fact that there isn’t enough room.
That this home is temporary.
That I don’t feel the room and therefore I don’t feel like caring for it.

Lets be honest, these reasons are all stupid. Because when something bothers you, you should really just get it over and done with…
However the above mentioned complaints are all true, however no excuse for not getting my act together.

… I just don’t feel like I have peace.
I feel like I don’t have a home and that feeling has haunted me forever.
I just want a place, where I think “I like this”.
Somewhere where the location is nice, the home is nice… Where I then decorate it, I design the interior and so on. I give it a touch of me and a touch of home – and a touch of permanency… “The perfect home”, it doesn’t even have to be big. It just has to be somewhere where I feel free and I feel at home. A place that makes me want to keep it tidy… A place where I feel like it can be held tidy because there is in fact room for everything…

I just wish I had an unlimited amount of money.
I wish.

Dear God, can I please win the lottery?