Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

neglect.

I’ve neglected this blog… I haven’t posted for 3 months, and it’s definitely not because I haven’t had anything to post – I definitely have…
But perhaps I’ve been tired of ‘talking to myself’… I know it’s a good thing to get your thoughts down, but to be honest… My level of energy hasn’t been at its highest.
I feel like so many people around you just suck out your energy…

It’s not right.

I’ve neglected this blog. In a way I’ve sort of thereby neglected myself a bit, because I really do enjoy writing. In fact I’ve realized that it’s one of my favorite things to do…

Anyway…
I sort of want to make blogwriting a habit again – and then I sort of don’t.
At the moment I’m trying to figure my life out, myself and happiness… So the last thing I need or want to do is to add on things on my agenda – such as this.
So I guess I will only be posting from time to time, when I have the energy and need for it.

As of right now, I’m happy.
I feel free.
I have goals and reason to live.
So as far as I’m concerned I’m only moving towards better things now, and I have no intention of moving backwards at all.

I’m on the pursue of happiness. And I can tell you one thing, if you’re not happy now, you will never be… UNLESS – you change YOU. You cant change anyone or anything but yourself. It all starts with YOU. As cheesy and cliché as it might sound – its true.

You cant change anyone but yourself. And nothing changes unless you change something… So dont expect change in your current situation without changing up something, because obviously what you’re doing now is not working if you’re not happy.
So don’t neglect yourself.

YOU are important. If you don’t find the love within yourself, you will never be able to give love to someone else. And yes this statement is very true. Although many people love others even though they don’t love themselves – they don’t realize that it’s not actual love… Because if you don’t learn to love yourself, then you can’t love others genuinely. Your idea of love becomes twisted, and what you define as love is actually not love but: need. Then it’s about the need to be accepted, the need to be loved, the need to feel safe etc. etc., so you try to get this by giving all of this to someone else… And all it does is drain you, you just don’t realize it – yet.

Life is complicated. Life is hard. And so is the mind and psychology. But true happiness lies within yourself. It’s not something you can achieve through external factors, its all internal.
So once you start looking inwards, once you start doing things for YOU and changing to become a better version of yourself… That’s when it all starts, and the feeling is absolutely amazing…

So don’t neglect yourself.

happiness is a word.

Happiness.

Happiness, happiness, happiness…

It’s a word. But what it is?
I still haven’t quite figured it out.

Sadness on the other hand, I know way too well…

Emptiness…

Loneliness…
Lonesomeness…

negativity. That’s all I see in the words that I’ve written after happiness…
But why? Is it because I try so hard to be happy? Content? … And therefore I never will be?
I wish someone could tell me what life is about…

I wish I never felt all alone in the world.
Sometimes, like now, the emotion is so strong it tears me up. And for what? I make myself feel like this… I wish I didn’t, but I do…
And I feel like I have no one to turn to. I have no one but myself. And its hard.
In the end you only have yourself – that I know, but it doesn’t make anything any easier to know it…

But I guess thats just how it is… Good days… Bad days… But so many times I’ve wished I wasn’t on this earth anymore… So why am I?

Happy new year!

Happy new year! May 2016 be the best year yet, with many blessings…
____________________________________________________

A writer.
I always loved to write, since I was little.
It was one of the many things I liked doing.

At one point I dreamt of writing a book…
I guess that dream hasn’t quite left the back of my mind, not yet.

This blog kind of allows me to work on my writing skills, although blogging about my life and thoughts, practically online diary writing, isn’t the same as writing a book – but still, I am writing.

 

What else? I feel tired. Drained. Unmotivated…
Questions. So many questions about my life, where I’m heading – and why.
What do I really want? I wonder if these questions will ever be answered?

I wonder, when I will have time for myself?
I can spend days not doing anything at all, yet be tired. Those days pass by so fast – oddly enough… Making me feel like I don’t have time.
I want to have time to not do anything until I feel rested, and then do something. The problem is though – I never feel rested.

My mind is a mess. I don’t have silence. I don’t have goals right now. I don’t have peace. Which makes me not have time… Because the time flies, with all my thoughts of all these things, and at the end of the day I have achieved nothing else than tiring my mind.

My mind is tired. My body is tired.
I don’t know where I’m going, or perhaps more correctly: I don’t know where I am supposed to go…
Because right now, I am not really going anywhere… I’m not moving at all.

 

Regrets.
Oh how I regret going on that holiday with Luke… Fuck money. My mental health had never been better, with it came the physical… I was fresh, aware, motivated and happy…
For the first time ever I was truly happy and free in my own company and mind…

No money was ever worth ruining that…
So lesson learned…
I shouldn’t regret it, because I learned from it…
Yes it has set me back, but I can work my way back to that point… I just have to find a way – and will…

I just need some time… As I keep telling myself.
But what time? I’m wasting a lot of precious time with… Nothing.
But sometimes that too is good for the mind I guess. Absolutely nothing…
Yet this makes my to do list grow, which stresses me subconsciously…

A day at a time… A day at a time… Rome wasn’t built in a day…

I feel like I am moving forward with my life, nevertheless… Like never before I am aware and changing, so even with a setback, I am still moving forward…

2 years

Wow. 2 years on this blog… Amazing.

I started this blog when I left my first boyfriend. First love, first everything.

It’s been two years already, and so much has happened. It’s amazing how time flies. It’s amazing how much a person can grow in a year, or two in this case…
It’s also amazing how faith in humanity and life disappears more and more with each year…

I’m grateful for being where I am in life, although I struggle and have ups and downs.
Trying to figure yourself and life out is no easy thing…
But two years… It does seem like a lot longer than that… My life has changed so much in these years, its incredible…
I just hope my posts have helped or inspired or touched just a person or two, either way – this blog is my venting spot… Its where I come when I need someone to talk to as well, but don’t have anyone to turn to.
It’s where I come to vent feelings and thoughts. It’s where I come to tell secrets I cannot tell anyone I know…
This blog has helped me quite a bit over these two years, hopefully it has helped someone else too.

lots of love, xoxo.

Teary.

when you’re frustrated. Sad. Questioning life, and everything…
and you just need someone to talk to, but you don’t know who… Or what to say. You’re just sad. Sad that the world makes your belief in humanity, in love, disappear.

What has the world become? What is to become of me?

All I feel like doing is crying. My heart is aching.
I can’t quite figure out why. I feel lonely, or do I feel lonesome?

I want to love, but I feel like I can’t.
I want to love, but I’m scared to get hurt.
Most of all I’m scared of betrayal.

I’ve been betrayed so many times, I don’t want to experience it again… I don’t want to blame myself for people betraying me… But I do. Because I tell myself, you let yourself trust this person because of this and this and this…
So … Trusting someone, no matter their past, can go two ways.
They either don’t let you down, or they do – and if they do, you will blame yourself for not listning to those annoying inner voices…
But truth is, it can go both ways. A persons past doesn’t necessarily define them, or say anything about who they are now…
Yet for precaution, we tend to ‘judge’. We ‘judge’ in order to protect ourselves…

Is it the right thing to do though? In the end, I’m hurting anyway. No one but me is hurting. I’m hurting now. Nothing has happened and I’m hurting… So whats the difference if I just go with it, and get hurt later?
It’s like I’m seeking the pain.
But whats the difference? If I take a chance, and it works, I might not have to experience any pain at all… So why feel it now?
Why torture myself with my thoughts?

… I’m scared of life. I’m scared of love. I’m scared of people.
Generally I’m just scared.

Teary. Thats what I make myself. I make myself cry…
I hurt myself, no one else. No one else is responsible for my happiness but me. I make myself cry, no one else. I take the pain of life in advance, instead of just living, and taking chances; chances that might lead to pain or avoidance of it. Just living halves the chance of the amount of pain… When taking it in advance, you have no chance of avoiding it – you automatically put maximum amount of pain that is possible for you to experience on yourself. Instead of giving life a chance, you take in all the pain in the world that you could probably feel. Instead of trusting life and having faith in it, and that not everything will come with the outcome of pain…
I am responsible for making myself smile; with my decisions. No one else is responsible.

Clear answers.

Oh how she wish that there were clear answers.

Not that she wanted clear answers from anyone, at least not anyone but herself.

She wish she could give herself the answers she sought.
But sometimes clear answers are hard to find, and difficult to give.

So what was she desperate to find an answers or two to?

Love.

What is real love?
When do you know that it’s the right thing?

Some people say you just know when you see the person… Others say that you find out with time. Can you live without this person or not?

She was confused.

Was she happy with him. Yes.
He made her happy. He was a good match.
Was things moving a little fast. Indeed.
She wish it hadn’t, but it had, so now there wasn’t much to do about it.
You can’t change what has already happened.

But she saw her life as being good single, and alone.
At the same time she saw her life being good with him too.

Now… Problem with her was, she had envisioned this single life, being free. Having no strings attached, no one to hold her back. The freedom to travel anywhere, anytime, do anything. Not being held accountable for perhaps meeting a charming guy abroad and having a hot fling…
That was the fantasy. The life she envisioned she would live as a single woman. As an educated, mysterious, attractive woman.
She knew she could get anything and anyone.
So the glamorous life, the sex and the city themed kind of life, wouldn’t be all that difficult to achieve.
It seemed very attractive.

At the same time…
She dreamt of the happy family life.
Of course traveling was always her dream.
So she dreamt of seeing the world before having children…
But she dreamt of having a lovely husband, and having kids, and living that happily ever after kind of life.

Indeed. She couldn’t wait for the day to get pregnant and have a little precious one. Someone she would love unconditionally for ever.

But… She wasn’t ready for it yet – although she couldn’t wait for it to happen…

 

So… What did she want?
She didn’t even know herself.

Sure she had found a great guy, Eric, but still… Nothing seemed certain in her mind…
She didn’t want to leave him – but couldn’t figure out what seemed more appealing to her…
Being alone? Doing whatever her heart desired? Finding herself?
She looked at it as a spiritual journey.
She believed that kind wasn’t quite possible with a significant other, but who knows…
She was torn, but riding the wave destiny had handed to her.
She was just going to see where it took her, and let things be…
Because in the end there’s a reason for everything, and also…
Time will tell the way😉

 

 

“…then he’s my one”

Good days.
Bad days.

We all have them. Sometimes more of one than the other.

Eric practically lives with me. He sleeps over almost every night…
Sure there were days where I needed him to stay home, so I could focus. But I didn’t say anything…

I need to stop that. I need to stop going into the same old patterns… Where I put myself last.
No. I need to speak up – for the sake of both of us.

Yesterday, he was going to stay home. But with this week being all about the exams, I knew he and I wouldn’t get much time together… Which is healthy for us – but still doesn’t make you miss the other person less…
Anyway, I could feel the stress creeping up.

We’d been together all day. And then he left because he had some work to do…
After an hour or two, as it was getting late… I could feel that I needed him. I needed someone to hold me and give me affection and to calm me down…

I called him and asked him, if he was going to go home after he was done with his work…
He said yes.
I was a little disappointed and upset, and he knew.

I set my mind to the fact that I wouldn’t ‘get my way’ today, and that I’d just have to suck it up. I tried to look at the positive aspects of him not being there.

I laid on the couch, as I couldn’t sleep.
I had this gut feeling that he wasn’t going to go home and was coming my way – because he knew I wanted him there.
But I wasn’t sure if it was my gut or just wishful thinking.

I told myself: If he comes, then he’s my one.

Surely, he did.

He came.

Why’s that amazing?

Because so many times, I’ve wished actions from previous guys – with no luck.

But this one… He did it. He really did.
He comforts me the way I’ve wished to be.

We’re very alike, and yet not.

Is he my one?

Invincible. Or not.

I wish I was.
Invincible.

Wouldn’t that be great?

I dream of being invincible.
Quit being a slave of the system. Quit doing things I don’t want to.
And start doing what I dream of.

If only…

Monday 16th November: “I love you” he said.

“I love you” he said.
It took him a while and a lot of whispers, before finally saying it.
In a way she felt happy. In a way she felt confused. Overwhelmed.
Sure there were times where she enjoyed him presence so much she wanted to say “I love you”, but she didn’t. Why? Because she never said that unless she was sure… Besides, it was too early to be saying it.
No rush.

But then he said.
Almost out of the blue.

She just kissed him. She couldn’t say it back. Whilst kissing him and smiling, she was thinking “fuck, what should I do?”…

“How do you know?” she asked him.
“I don’t know, that’s just how I feel.” he replied confused.
“well… Okay” she said.

She kissed him.
It took her awhile, but she didn’t know what else to do.
“I love you too” she whispered in his ear.
But did she really?
After meeting him for the first time a little over 2 months ago, she was still unsure.
Sure she could get really jealous, sometimes she’d express it, but most of the time she didn’t… You never want to seem crazy or insecure right?
But where did the jealousy come from?
It didn’t come from insecurity, she knew she was worth more than any girl he’d ever met. But… It came from uncertainty.
Not knowing whether he really meant it when he said she was his girlfriend.

It was like he was hiding her. From the girls. Not the guys. All the guys knew… But all the females had no clue…

Snapchat.
Oh how our world develops for the worse. Social media makes it easy for people to communicate and easy for cheating, easy for problems, easy for everything. All of a sudden the whole community is right there… All of a sudden its no longer only the people who were there, that knew what happened. No, we live in a digital world, where time and space is almost eliminated…
So what about snapchat?
One thing is sending private direct snaps, another is ‘my story’… Now mystory is for everyone to see… If they want to.
Two of his friends had proudly put her on theirs, trying to show off – as if she was theirs, but who knew she wasn’t…
His friends secretly wish they had met her first, and envied him a little.
His friends proudly showed her off, as if she was with them, when they were in her company… To make others jealous, because they knew, she was gorgeous and amazing.

But he… He never did.
Sure he wanted to have a picture with her. But only for himself.
She felt like he didn’t want people to know who she was.

“You’re mine” he would say.
But was she really?
“We’re together” he would say.
But were they really?
It’s not real if its a secret.

“I like you so much” he said.
She just thought, well one would think you did if you love me…
She started to wonder, like she did the first time he said “I love you”.
‘Does he even know what love is? Does he know what it means to love someone?
It feels like he’s confused about whether or not he loves me or likes me. I don’t think he knows what love is, I just think he likes me very much, to the extreme maybe’ she thought to herself…

Perhaps he was as confused as she. But in a different way.

His birthday party. The date was set. His mother even said to him that it was his own responsibility to invite friends, or her.
He told her this.
But he never gave her an actual invite. Till now he still hasn’t invited her.
She wondered.
Was she invited? Did he not want her to meet his family?
She could understand… And yet…

She knew he liked her.
But she didn’t know how committed he truly was.

This didn’t help her in her confusion of everything as it already was.
She was confused.
How important was she?
Would this ever work?
She was 3 years older… Perhaps this was all a mistake?

She wondered…

“We’re together, it’s you and me” He said.

“We’re together, it’s you and me” he said. “I’m your boyfriend, next time anyone asks”.

So… I guess that sealed the deal.

I was going around feeling weird about not knowing what we were, how to feel.
Are we a thing? Should I let my feelings go where I don’t want them to?
I couldn’t figure out whether not to be scared and let the universe take me where it wants – or whether to hold back because I might get hurt… Should I keep doors open? So my chances with others don’t get spoiled?

I was going around thinking a lot. Overthinking.
Couldn’t figure out whether or not I like him or not.
Because I don’t feel all bubbly.

So…
I do get a little jealous and worried and I do love spending time with him.
It’s not something thats completely out of this world… I mean, but maybe that feeling comes with time when you really bond etc.

One thing is for sure.
I like how things are right now, and when it doesn’t feel right, then that’s that – if it will come to that, that is.
Another thing is for sure as well – he likes me more than I like him, he’s more in love than I am. Or perhaps he’s the only one who’s in love… Because I’m not bubbly in love.

In fact I feel like it can be hard to tell sometimes, if you’re in love or not.
Some people insist on the fact that you can’t be in doubt about it, and if you are – then you’re not in love.. But honestly I don’t think that’s necessarily true.
Sometimes its just hard to tell what is what. Its human to question things.

But my decision is to try to stop overthinking about everything so much, and just try to let things be. It’s difficult, but possible…

So we’ll see what the deal is …
Time will tell… Which is my favorit saying, as nothing is more true than that.

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