It’s funny how we humans love patterns, apparently we love them so much we just want to keep repeating them.
I’m talking about myself.
Everyone does it – it’s in our nature.
I’m more aware now than I’ve ever been, yet I still catch myself repeating patterns.
The only difference now is that I catch myself repeating them much earlier than I used to – so that’s a plus.
But why do we do it?
I ask myself “Why are you doing this?”
Well… I know why I do it. I do it cause it feels good in the moment. I don’t think of the consequences…
Now I’m wondering if that’s the bad thing, or if the bad thing is that there are consequences when there shouldn’t be?
So I keep telling myself I can be cool and see guys casually – but is that really something I want? Don’t I want more for myself. So whenever something seems to not be going right, it’s like it triggers something in me. So I ask myself time and time again – why are you doing this?
There’s no real reward, and then it goes to shit, and then what? What do you want?
Honestly, it sounds shitty, because it is – but I want all the nice things about a relationship – but not a relationship. Why’s that? Because I haven’t met the right person, that’s why. But I’m still human, I still crave affection, cuddles, sex and attention. Don’t we all?
So yeah, this year has been a crazy year for me – I wanna say good and bad, but mostly it’s just been good, because in all ‘bad’ there’s good anyway…
I’ve never had sex with as many guys in a year as I have this year – so 2019 has been my slut year, and I have no regrets. But time after time I question myself and ask, was it worth it? Was it even good? What did I get out of that?
Most importantly, I feel like it fucks up my energy and focus and emotions. It triggers shit in me that has no relevance to whatever is going on currently, but something that’s probably deeply rooted in me from childhood. Which means that I sit back with a feeling of loneliness.
It’s like I can’t really do the halfway thing. What do I even want?
I know deep down I don’t really want any of the guys.
They spark nothing within me. It’s like I see them a few times and its fun, then it just turns to no fun, but then I keep seeing them – just for the sake of it. Why?
The world is so full of uniteresting and unintelligent people, even unkind and unthoughtful people. Disrespectful and selfish people. And sometimes what we dislike the most in others, are qualities we sometimes portray ourselves. I’ve been unkind, I’ve been selfish… Rarely, but it has happened.
I’m asking for the world to give me something, I’m not even giving myself. Which is so double standard…
I wish I will learn to truly open up my heart to the world, that way I will invite in the right people instead of the wrong. If I’m truly honest with the world, the world will be with me too, right?
I don’t know, I just needed to vent my thoughts for a bit on this lonesome night.
Felt a little alone and lonely, a tad bit sad and like I couldn’t sit back with my thoughts.
I feel sad, maybe because I’m ignoring my own boundaries and needs. I need to be done with shit like that. I need to stop putting others and their needs and shit before my own. I need to be stern and I need to say no – and I need people in my life that don’t take it personally and can respect my boundaries when I set them. And if they can’t, they can show themselves out.
I need to be loyal to myself and I need to love and respect myself first.
I need to give myself all the things I long for someone else to give me, I need to give it to myself first.
Loyalty, respect and space.
This is it. This pattern ends here. No more of stretching and going out of my way for someone I don’t give an actual fuck for. No more.