It’s over.

It’s over. I made it.
I did it. I can’t believe it…

I actually can’t believe that with all the obstacles and mental state, that I managed to write my dissertation in about 2 weeks…

It was intense, I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t optimal – it wasn’t great.

But my only goal is to pass… I’ve handed in, it’s over… And now I can’t stop worrying about whether or not I pass… I can’t relax because I’m scared I won’t pass, and then all the work. pressure, stress, tears… Will be for nothing… I know the work isn’t the best, but it was the best I could do with everything going on within me…

I really need to pass… I need to graduate and close this chapter, I just cant do it anymore…

As much as I want a break before the defence because I’m tired, I also really want to know what the result is … So I sort of want the defence to be soon, but then not really… You know? like 2-3 weeks from now would be fine, anything beyond would just be a bit terrifying… But I keep thinking, if I was to fail, that wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone really… Because it would be extra work and costs to all parties involved… I almost feel like it’s impossible to fail, anything handed in above 50 pages should pass… But then again… I don’t know… I’m overthinking it…

I should just be happy and relieved that it’s over for now and that I actually managed to do it … It’s pretty amazing…

 

Advertisements

24 hours till deadline.

You know, I can pull off anything.

I currently have 24 hours to pull off about… 1/3 of my dissertation… I have all the data, so I just need to write…

But 24 hours, no more, no less. I ended up here in this situation because of my anxiety. If it wasn’t for my anxiety I wouldn’t have been stalled so much… I would’ve been able to start writing earlier, but my anxiety wouldn’t let me… Now that I have 24 hours, I feel it trying to creep up again. But I’m trying to cancel out the noise it makes, I cant let it win… Not now.

So my eye started twitching last night… And it just wont stop. Annoying.
Googled the reasons why and got this: blepharospasm. “When the eyelid, usually the upper, blinks and you can’t stop it.” Yep, exactly what’s happening…
No known causes, but the suspicion is:
fatigue, stress and caffeine.
All of the above, check.

No sleep, lots of stress and caffeine to try and even that out. Which may help a bit with the no sleep, but yes, I know, it makes cortisol levels rise… So stress =  worse.

Also, I hate when people tell me what to do. “Don’t you think you should just hand in blank and submit at next deadline”, don’t you think that you should just root for me until you cant? Urgh… See this is where I realize, that sometimes you become really good friends with someone, but they actually don’t know you… So they don’t know your capacity and what you’re capable of… So they don’t believe in you.
Well, I don’t need you to believe in me, in fact, just wait and see… I’ll show you.

My true friends on the other side, they keep pushing me and saying that I got it, I can do it… Because they know I’ve pulled some crazy things before…

I guess it was just a reminder of who my real friends really are, and that I still, don’t really have any friends.

People suck, honestly… They do.

Oh well… only 24 hours. I guess I better get going now… I need to pull out at least the equivalent of 1 page per hour, probably more like 1 1/2 pages…

See you on the other side, I cannot not hand in. I have to. 24 hours.

I let him down with my depression.

My first boyfriend is the best boyfriend that I’ve had to date.

I was so lucky to have a first like him.

However, it did make me a little naive about the world… But I’ve slowly caught up and realized how things work…

Anyway, he was such a kind heart.

Kind, devoted, loving and thoughtful. So god damn thoughtful, he never made me cry. Not like the other ones. He never made me doubt him… I trusted him and I had no reason not to. Sure, he wasn’t perfect. Otherwise I would’ve stayed, right?

I thought about him. I’m not sure why, but he crossed my mind. I was thinking about gifts that I’ve gotten from boyfriends (now exes)… To be honest, I don’t think any of my ex boyfriends have gotten me gifts that I thought were just awesome. Not because the gift itself wasn’t something I would’ve bought for myself, not because it wasn’t expensive… But because I feel like gifts are thoughts. And none of those gifts said anything about me, or how well the person knew me… See now, those are the type of gifts I like to receive. Gifts with a message, thought and meaning…

Also, my first boyfriend sucked at gifts. The best gift he got me, was a gift I specifically told him to get me. Everything else was pretty… Shit. Makes me smile…
See, since I was a kid… I would rather have nothing, than a shitty gift. No gift was better to me, I’d be happier about that. A gift I cant use or dont want… That would make me annoyed. Actually, it’s almost something that hits me in the gut. I know, stupid, but hear me out. Its not so much the gift itself… It’s the message. And the message it sends me is a negative one, because it tells me that you don’t know me, or you forgot that you were going to get me something… Now if you’re someone insignificant – I wont care… Because obviously, you dont know me, so I dont take it as hard. However as a boyfriend, or even a good friend, I’ll be disappointed… Because I’ll question why we even invest our time in each other…

So anyway, my point was… That my first boyfriend sucked at gifts… But in the end, the small gestures, or gifts if you will, that he did on the daily… Those were the ones that mattered, that count and that showed me how he truly felt – the message. The gifts for ‘special’ occasions, well… He just wasn’t good at those, but he was good at the daily gifts. And in the end those are the ones that matter the most…

I was just thinking how lucky I’ve been to experience that, and that somehow after him, I forgot that its possible to be treated well… Well, I haven’t forgotten now. And I’m lucky to have experienced to know it exists and its real. Don’t ever settle for less, don’t settle for that loser who wont give you his time… Who wont give you commitment… Who doesn’t care if you make it home safe and sound… To the loser who wont do you small favors and gestures… No. You’re worth more than that. He was there when it mattered, he never turned his back on me when I was sad. He was my best friend, even when I wasn’t my own. Just thinking about it and writing about it right now makes me cry… Not because I’m sad, but because I’m touched. Because I’m happy, happy to have known a person like that. I appreciate him as a human being. I appreciate him so much, even if he’s not in my life anymore… But he was a part of my life for nearly five years… The most crucial years in my youth… I was so lucky to have him in my life, because things were so dark for me… And he stayed. I let him down with my depression, but he was always there to pull me up. I gave him many other things, and he gave me that. A hand. A shoulder. A hug.

I struggled for so many years with depression… Before him, with him and after him. I don’t know how my life would look today, or if I’d even be here, if I didn’t have him with me during those years. Those years were the first time ever where I didn’t feel alone and like the weight of the world was on my shoulders… I wonder if my depression would’ve driven me to suicide if I didn’t have him, but I guess we’ll never know, ’cause I’m still here today… And today I still wonder if everything is better when I’m dead, but I also don’t want to die like I used to. I am not ready to die and I don’t want to either, and that is a big step forward in itself.

Goals are promises.

Goals.
Are goals not promises we make to ourselves?
We try to keep our promises to others…
Yet when it comes to ourselves, we neglect.
We make goals, as maybes, not as promises.
But isn’t that just what they are?
Promises to ourselves…
We lose when we don’t keep them.
We. You. Lose.
Goals are the promises we make to ourselves.
Try as hard, if not harder, to keep those.
Goals are promises.

Just… Fuck you.

I’m sorry, did I offend you?

Did I offend you by being myself?

Did I offend you by showing my abilities?

Did I offend you by my lack of fear?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for intimidating you.

Because… That’s what this is about, right?

It’s not about offence, it’s about fear.

You’re scared? Because I am not?

Well, I only have one thing to say to that: fuck you.

Actually… Wait… There’s more:

Fuck you.

Fuck your ego.

Fuck your jealousy.

Fuck your opinion.

Just… Fuck you.

 

I feel rotten on the inside.

I like watching series, at the same time I hate it.

I’m not sure if I’m the only one who feels this way, or if others do too?

I just realized… That I love it, because… It’s an escape from reality. Its surreal, often it’s more exciting than real life… I hate it because I get absorbed. Addicted, if you will. I can’t stop watching, til it’s over. Once it’s over… I feel empty… Like a part of my life ended…
Is that weird?

Yea… It is…

I enjoy not being a part of my life as of right now… I think I may just be aiming for something impossible… I don’t know… I feel like everything is a mess.
I feel like I’m a horrible person… This is not who I want to be, this is not who I am… Why is this happening? Why am I like this? Why am I so angry? Annoyed? Fed up?

I know why…

But why am I taking it out on others? Why does anything and everything tick me off?
I got so angry today… I just couldn’t control myself… I couldn’t contain it.
I exploded. I was mean, hurtful and unfair… I hate myself for that. I feel like an awful person…

I don’t know who I am these days…

Perhaps this is a sign, for me to just quit.

But I don’t want to quit…

And yet I do…

I don’t know.

I don’t know anything…

And I’m indecisive…

I feel rotten on the inside.

now.

The time is now.

You know when you’ve had this dream, that then became a vision, that then became a feeling of something that would happen in the future with certainty?

Well this is how I feel right now.

I just don’t know when the time is, but it feels like the time is now…

I hope I’m right.

The timing would be perfect, although anything rarely is – who wants perfection anyway… Let me say convenient instead… Would be convenient timing if it was to happen now.

I believe it.
It’s my reality.
It will happen.