I’m still waiting…

Still waiting for that life changing turn.
That moment, that thing, that will turn my life upside down – in a good way.

An easy way I guess… Too easy to perhaps ever come true?
I don’t know.
Everyone wants some type of chance and shot in life that will help them achieve their dreams and goals… And most of us want it without working for it.
And whilst I do too, it’s not that I’m too lazy to work for it and I want it served.
It’s just… I’m not confident enough… I don’t believe enough in myself.

So… I want this almost unachievable thing to come true.
Something everyone pretty much dreams of, because it takes no work and all luck.
Imagine that?
No work, just luck, that sets a way for all of your dreams to come true and most of your worries to go away…
Almost too good to be true, and it pretty much is – most of the time, for most people. Well probably for 99.9999998% of the world (just to put it into perspective).

So why me? Why do I think I could be one of those 0.0000002% that would have that one dream come true, which could unlock the rest of my dreams?
I don’t know…
Do I deserve it more? Heck no. I am equal to most, if not everyone.
I’m not better, I don’t deserve more…

But… I just want to be a part of that small percentage… But what have I even done to deserve it? I haven’t worked my ass off for much in life to be honest… Well nothing that matters too much at least… I’m a scurdy pants that needs a safety net before I dare to just throw myself into the many projects I dream of… I am a coward.

Everyone thinks I’m so brave and courageous… But the truth is, I’m a coward. I may be brave and courageous in some aspects of life, but not all…

Most of all, I am scared of myself.
I am scared of life.
I am scared of failure.
I am scared of success.
I am scared of putting myself out there.
I am scared of rejection.
I am scared of getting laughed at.
I am scared of disappointing myself.
I am scared of not reaching my goals.
I am scared of becoming what I hate most in life.
I am scared of me.

Maybe all this fear is why I’m turning towards death…
Maybe I’m so scared of life, that I have turned that into being comfortable with death. With giving up. Even though, I’m not sure what I would be giving up on?
I don’t know.

I guess all lives are books, stories – most untold.
And perhaps that’s my mission in life, write the best book I can…
One of the best books some people in this world will read…
Maybe that’s my purpose…
I want to be remembered by touching hearts not triggering lust or jealousy.
I know for sure, I’ve touched more than one heart in this life, so really, the mission I’ve given myself in life… Has already been accomplished. If I die tomorrow, I will know that I’ve made at least one persons life better… And that’s what matters the most to me. Not how many friends I have, how popular I am, how many people know me, what I own and how much money I have… Because lord knows all of those are on the low-end of things, and I’m totally okay with that right now…

I need to be okay with who I am, where I am in life, in order to move forward and figure out what I really want.
My life hasn’t been a total waste, even though sometimes I bash myself when looking at others… And thinking man, this person is younger than me and ahead of life. They’ve made it – financially or with their career, and I’m not even halfway… I catch myself thinking, why wasn’t I innovative at 20 years old, there were so many markets where I could’ve grown and hit jackpot today… In so many different aspects, if only I had sorted my head and life out then, instead of now… And I just think, I’ve lost time…

But then again I try to remember, that there are people out there, way older than me, who haven’t figured out or accomplished just half of what I have… And so I try to remind myself, that we’re all different, we all have our own stories and journeys.

Where I am right now is perfectly fine and perfect for me, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And I am more than enough. And I am more than okay. And I am an awesome person. And everything will be fine. Everything will work out.

And… If the Universe wants me to get that gift, it will let me have it. All I have to do is continue to believe… And if I can believe in the almost unachievable… Perhaps that will teach me to believe in myself too. That’s all I can really say…

Dear Universe, I want this to happen. But I accept that this is one of those few things, that is ultimately your choice to make and not something I can in any way work towards. The goal is something I can work towards, but the route I am wishing for is not one that can be taken without your doing. It’s all about the magic and power of luck – or perhaps luck is in reality destiny and fate? So if it is my destiny, it will happen – I guess…

Advertisements

Comfortable with death.

I’ve become too comfortable with death…

I totally accept that death is natural. I accept that life is meaningless…

And now… It’s like I’ve become so comfortable with death, that imagining my death doesn’t really scare me or move me like it used to.

I’m not in the best place right now, add that to it.

I just though about what a relief it would be to die. How it would feel to just drift away and never wake… You’d never really know you were dead anyway. Why would it matter? Why does anything matter? Why is it important to stay alive? I struggle to find reasons.

Yes. There will be people who care about you that you leave behind… And yes in some sense the pain you feel will be passed on to them… But… I’m not sure I really feel pain. It’s more a sense of not knowing what to do with this life I’ve been granted…

Maybe I’m just lonely, and that makes it all seem even more meaningless.

I wouldn’t mind dying today. Although I’m not supposed to say that, I struggle to find the meaning behind my ‘bucket list’ and ‘life goals’… What does it all matter anyway?

 

Drained & Lost.

I’m drained, I’m lost and I don’t know anything… Yet I do.

I know what I don’t want, but I have a hard time figuring out what I do want… I don’t really believe in myself, I think that’s my biggest weakness…

There’s so much I want to do right now and in life in general, but I’m scared… I’m scared I’m not good enough, scared I’m too old – that I don’t have the time to do all these things… I feel like I’m 3-5 years behind, like I should have the answers to what I want to do with my life by now…

Time passes by so fast, and it’s so scary… It’s so scary to see how fragile we humans are and how everything can be changed by one second. You can see now, one second, and you could be blind… You can lose your limbs, ability to walk, talk, hear, feel, taste… Everything you have right now, could be gone in just one glimpse of an eye – even your life. And that scares me as much as it inspires me. I want to do more, be more and… I feel like I’m not. Like I’m not doing any of that…

I don’t have the energy and so… I lose time. I have a job interview tomorrow and I really do need the money… But at the same time, I don’t think I want the job… I’m not ready to commit to a fulltime job… It would make my life easier financially, but I’d be bound… Bound by a fixed schedule… And I’m not sure I’m ready for that… Or if I ever will be… I’m just not sure of anything right now… All I know is that I need to get out of here, I just haven’t figured out how yet.

My heart wants something else than what I am giving it right now… And I just can’t quite figure out what it is and how to give it.

I feel lost and not in a good way. Not like I’m lost in a new city and discovering cute things, but lost like I’m somewhere I don’t want to be and I need to find my way out fast! Lost in a sense of anxiety and panic and sadness…

I’m trapped. By myself. And I don’t have the answer to when the shackles are going to come off, which is scary – because I decide when that is, yet I have no idea…

I feel like I’m imprisoned by myself and I have to find a way to break free… The answer and way is within me – the prison, but I just don’t know where…

I miss the life I was living just 1 year ago, right this time… God I miss it so bad, but perhaps I loved it so much because… It wasn’t realistic, it was a short term life experience… It was the one and only time I would ever have in this life to live like that…

I’m in despair. I feel like I’m drowning and constantly using the little energy I have left to stay above water… But I don’t have enough energy to swim ashore. I’m fighting just for air so I don’t die, but it’s not long term solution… Because if I don’t get to land, I will just drown eventually no matter what…

Fuck man. Fuck. Just… Fuck.
I need something, but what?

No sex for me.

So it’s kinda funny that this blog/diary started out with a lot of sex… Well ‘a lot’, and kinda turned down another road since then… I had a lot of stories to tell, and trust me… Everytime I get ‘back on the market’, weird things happen, things that almost seem unreal. Incidents that are too movie like and weird to be real life… But they are. In my case at least. I’ve pulled myself from the market for quite a while, I havent really dated anyone for… Well.. I guess almost 2 years now… With complications and all… I guess you could say 1,5 years… And I haven’t had sex for more than 1 year, which… I feel fine about… Sex is just sex, sex in itself doesn’t have much meaning… So that thought I’m still sticking too… However, I’m adding a new thought: it should.

Sex SHOULD mean something. Sex CAN mean something…
And so I’ve kind of decided that I don’t want to share myself with a person like that, unless I really feel some need to connect with someone like that. There needs to be a very strong connection… I’m over the meaningless sex, it doesn’t mean anything, and therefore it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t do much, if anything, so why bother? Why put yourself through that if you’re not getting maximum benefit?

You can have meaningless sex for sure, but sex should be saved – if you ask me. I don’t think it’s necessary to have sex with people just for pleasure. You can pleasure yourself if you absolutely need to. That way you get to know yourself better and you don’t give a piece of yourself to someone that doesn’t mean anything to you. Sex is energy and vibes, and that should be saved for someone worthy of receiving that… That’s what I currently think and feel anyway.

I’m happy being me and by myself, I feel like the thought of dating someone right now makes me anxious. It’s not what I am looking for currently, I’m just not in the mode…

Which reminds me, I think I sort of have a date, but I’m not sure if it’s wrong of me… Since I’ve pretty much set my mind to: I’m not interested in anything serious… And since I’ve already set my mind on how I feel about ‘meaningless’ sex, well, then I’m not really looking for anything casual either… Not sure if I should let the person know now, or wait and see how everything goes on the ‘date, and then break the ‘news’… Hmm…

It’s been two weeks…

It’s been two weeks, since I handed in my dissertation. I’m still tired, but I can feel the two weeks off have been good. I’ve managed to not do anything really, I’ve met with a few friends and started working out again… In the workout sense I’m still pushing myself and some boundaries, so I haven’t been giving myself a real break, but I feel it’s for the better…

I got this idea today, that maybe I should travel… It’s been a while… But I’m kinda scared… And unsure. Should I? Or maybe I shouldn’t? And what about working out? And weight loss? Shedding the weight I’ve gained due to stress? … But then again, what about just seizing this last opportunity before graduating, like I’ve been doing the past two years? It scares me, and that’s good right? Or maybe it’s because the timing is off? I can’t quite tell which of the two it is… I don’t know, maybe I should sleep on the idea… I’d have to leave in 4 days though, which is essentially fine… I’m used to spontaneous trips… I don’t know, I guess I need some excitement back in my life? I need a rush. I need a break. I need to be away from everyone. Without really trying to run away, more like run towards something… Myself.

Yeah, I guess that sums it up for me… I’m not running away from things, I am running towards myself. But I’d be lying if I said that didn’t include a bit of running away too…

 

It’s over.

It’s over. I made it.
I did it. I can’t believe it…

I actually can’t believe that with all the obstacles and mental state, that I managed to write my dissertation in about 2 weeks…

It was intense, I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t optimal – it wasn’t great.

But my only goal is to pass… I’ve handed in, it’s over… And now I can’t stop worrying about whether or not I pass… I can’t relax because I’m scared I won’t pass, and then all the work. pressure, stress, tears… Will be for nothing… I know the work isn’t the best, but it was the best I could do with everything going on within me…

I really need to pass… I need to graduate and close this chapter, I just cant do it anymore…

As much as I want a break before the defence because I’m tired, I also really want to know what the result is … So I sort of want the defence to be soon, but then not really… You know? like 2-3 weeks from now would be fine, anything beyond would just be a bit terrifying… But I keep thinking, if I was to fail, that wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone really… Because it would be extra work and costs to all parties involved… I almost feel like it’s impossible to fail, anything handed in above 50 pages should pass… But then again… I don’t know… I’m overthinking it…

I should just be happy and relieved that it’s over for now and that I actually managed to do it … It’s pretty amazing…