Dear Mama,

You are nothing in this world, but you are everything to me.

Like time, life never stops.

Life always goes on; but I know that the moment where yours ceases, so does mine.

Your last breath will be my last moment of this life; and the beginning of a new.

A new life where yours will be a mental reality, but not a physical one.

Not better, not worse, but different.

Life goes on, without you and with me.

Your life goes on within me, till life goes on without me too.

My heart beat with yours from the moment I became,

and will beat for you until it beats no more.

I am a part of you, and therefore you can never die.

Death is a mere physical experience.

I love you, I am you & I will carry you in my heart till the end of time.

 

With & Not

Hands_Reaching_Anonymous-1296x728-Header-1296x728.jpg

Touch me with love in your heart, not lust on your mind.
Speak to me with words that are true, not promises that are false.
Listen to me with patience at hand, not solutions to share.
Give me your time with devotion, not due to obligation.
Love me with pure intention, not for temporary attention.
Kiss me with the desire for forever, not the satisfaction for now.

Spear of desperation

The hunger in your eyes and the thirst in your words,
pierce my soul with a spear of desperation and eagerness.
You want my approval and attention so desperately
that you become something else, someone else.

This isn’t who you are, but you want me to see you so badly,
that you become a clown in your own circus.
You want me to see you,
yet you don’t notice that who you’ve put on display, isn’t really you.

If  you were just yourself, you’d be seen and noticed.
Your energy would be calm but magnetic,
your words would be meaningful and your eyes would smile, genuinely.
You’d exude satiation, rather than depletion.

No one wants to fill an endless hole.

 

 

You are the loudest noise in the world

6b1508317a07a62078109abe1c8e536c.jpg

As I silence the noise around me, I discover that the world cannot be silenced.
Even in the most untouched spot on earth, you will hear if you listen.
You will hear the wind, the whistiling of nature as the wind hugs it, the beat of your heart in your chest, the breath of your lungs and the life within you and around you.

You will discover that you are loud. The loudest noise that exists, is you. When everything seems overwhelmingly noisy, it is the noise within your head. You are the loudest noise, even when your voice is silent and your mouth is shut.

You can run from your surroundings, but you can’t run from yourself.
To stop the noise you must start to listen. When you listen, you will discover that it is in fact not noise, but the unbearable truths and thoughts within you. They’re speaking to you, but you haven’t been listening. You’ve been running, and the more you run the louder the noise gets.

Listen to the noise and you will hear what it says. It will not be comfortable and it will hurt. You will not know comfort without discomfort, you cannot heal without hurting. Let the hurt help you heal. Listen. Listen to the noise in your head. Listen to the noise of your body. Then you will feel, you will feel what a wonderful miracle you are… Because life is a miracle, and you are full of it.

You are the loudest noise in the world, so decide what sound you will be.

6 years on the blog.

I can’t believe I started this blog 6 years ago…

That’s such a long time! This blog has been my venting space, a way for me to walk down memory lane when I look back and read things, a space for me to be a little creative with my writing… I’ve grown so much since my first post. I’ve come so far. It’s such a great way for me to understand myself too and has really helped me to grow.

I often find myself feeling alone, or maybe I’m having thoughts I don’t feel like I can share with anyone… Whatever the reason, I’ve found this space to help myself – even though I don’t get response, it helps to put your thoughts into actual words.

I mostly come here when or if I’m upset these days… Or confused.

Anyway, I’m happy I have this space and it’s crazy it’s been 6 years!

I want more than desire and lust.

Lately I’m feeling… Very confused and emotional.

It’s like I cant have any (romantic) relations to a male without it becoming a big mess in my head?

It makes me insecure. I think that’s what it is. I’m in this constant feeling of am I good enough?

Like what is the problem even?  Regardless what he wants?
What do I want?

I do want a fulfilling relationship. But like who the hell says he’s that guy?
I don’t even know him. My feeling is… He’s not for me.
I just have this feeling that he’s a sweet guy, and that’s probably where the list ends. I doubt he has many of the other qualities I’m seeking.

So what is it. What is it that’s bothering me?

I guess I’m writing this in hopes of figuring it out. Hoping I will get an epiphany…

I do wonder what it is that makes me cling to a thought of the guy, without it even having anything to do with him? Like why do I spend as much time as I do, wondering if he likes me for more than the sex? Wondering if he thinks of me? Is he seeing others?
Why do I care?
Do I even like him for more than the sex? Hell at this point, I don’t even know if I like him for the sex. Maybe I only like him for a bit of cuddles and hugs.

Maybe I don’t really like him at all. Or maybe I kinda like him but I’m afraid to let go and just feel?
I have a feelings its the first not the latter.

Maybe I should just let the thought of him go, pretend to myself that he and I aren’t talking. Maybe that will clear things for me.
Let life go back, give myself the space and headspace.

I’ve definitely come to the conclusion, that I don’t wanna spend time on a person, if we’re not doing anything with it, it being the relationship part. Because why should I set aside headspace and time, if there is no point. I don’t wanna act like we’re dating, if we’re not. We either just have sex and then that’s that, or we date – right?
Doesn’t that make the most sense? Why is it, that today we ‘pretend’ or act like we’re dating, when all we’re really doing is hooking up and nurturing our fears and insecurities?

I’m over it.
I’m really too old for this. Really.
I’ve been on this blog for many years, and I’ve gone through many phases, and I think this is my phase now.
I don’t wanna spend time on meaningless things anymore, that wont bear fruit. Why put in the work for nothing. Sometimes you put in work because you’re taking a bet, but when you already know its a loss from start – why even go there then?

I want to open my heart. But I want to open it to the right person. I want to find a lifepartner, but I want it to be a right one, not an *I’ll-settle-for-this* partner. I don’t want to settle. That’s a mediocre life at best.

I want to love and be loved.
I want more than desire and lust.
I want to be seen for me on the inside not the outside.
Who I am, not how I look.
How I am, not where I work.
My heart, not my wallet.
I want someone who loves me for my qualities, someone who appreciates me, someone who let’s me be free, someone I can grow with. I want to be with someone adventurous who wants to experience life and the world with me.
I want someone who says yes to skydiving even though it’s insane, but who also wants to have a lazy day with snacks and takeout and doing nothing.
I want it all, I don’t want to settle. This is someone you have to spend the rest of your life with, it makes no sense to settle.
Do you settle on yourself? Don’t you try to be the best you can? Most people do at least.
I do. So why not go for the best partner you can have, why settle for ‘this is what I can get, I give up’. No. That’s why so many relationships fail.

We give into the pressure, norms, society, this and that – instead of believing and working. You have to work towards the qualities you search. Because how can you demand for something you cannot deliver yourself? That’s a no go.

So I guess writing this has made me come to the questions – what are you seeking? Whatever it is, find it within yourself. And also, can you deliver what you are seeking? If not, what can you do to get there?

 

Rejection.

‘What’s the worst that can happen?’

I know. You get rejected, you move on – it’s not like you’ll die or anything, right?

But honestly, rejection is fine when you walk up to someone and try to get their number and they reject you. Okay so it might hurt your ego and pride a bit, maybe even your self-confidence, but the feelings pass in like 10 minutes or so.

But getting your heart rejected when you’re in love or invested. Ouch.
That scares the shit out of me. It scares me to the point where I’ve realized that maybe I don’t know how to let go and open my heart.
I’m scared shitless of being rejected and up until this point I didn’t really realize how much it can affect me.

I know where it stems from – childhood and my father. So naturally, the rejection of a man is something that’s deeply embedded within me – being rejected and being left.

It’s kinda silly, especially since I’ve found out that I wasn’t rejected and I was loved, even though my father can’t accept me for who I am today, he always loved me because I was his child. Deep down in his heart at least. Still, having him not be a part of the majority of my life, means that regardless of his feelings and intent, there was so much I didn’t receive – which affects the way I guard my heart today.

… I’ve pointed my finger out to the world and said, ‘why can’t I find the right person for me?’ And perhaps I just haven’t met that person… Or perhaps it’s because I don’t know how to open my heart – because of fear, because I’m scared. It could be both too.

When someone comes along and is open with their heart and feelings, I pull away. I’m very doubtful and critical of why they like me. ‘You don’t even know me. Why the hell do you like me so much?’ ‘What’s his intent? Is he just using me? Maybe I’m a rebound. He only likes me for my looks.’
I feel like it’s the other party that’s at fault, but maybe it’s me. It’s the way I approach things because I’m scared of rejection. So I create a shell, that’s near impossible to crack. A shell that makes people doubt if there’s a nut, fruit or living creature inside it.
I make people insecure.
I make them feel anything but comfortable.
I want security and comfort, honesty, loyalty and commitment.
But I can’t give any of those – yet I expect them in return?
I expect to receive before I can give.
How is that fair? How is that logical?

Simple, it’s not.
And that’s why things never work out for me. It’s subconscious sabotage.
I want them to leave, because I’m scared of commitment.
I’m scared of changing my mind.
I’m scared of people.
I’m scared of emotions.
I’m scared of being left.

I’m scared and for the first time ever, I’m honest about it – to myself, as a start.
Maybe the next step for me is to be open and honest about it, to others.

Thoughts on a weekend night.

It’s funny how we humans love patterns, apparently we love them so much we just want to keep repeating them.

I’m talking about myself.
It’s normal.
It’s natural.
Everyone does it – it’s in our nature.

I’m more aware now than I’ve ever been, yet I still catch myself repeating patterns.
The only difference now is that I catch myself repeating them much earlier than I used to – so that’s a plus.

But why do we do it?
I ask  myself “Why are you doing this?”

Well… I know why I do it. I do it cause it feels good in the moment. I don’t think of the consequences…
Now I’m wondering if that’s the bad thing, or if the bad thing is that there are consequences when there shouldn’t be?

So I keep telling myself I can be cool and see guys casually – but is that really something I want? Don’t I want more for myself. So whenever something seems to not be going right, it’s like it triggers something in me. So I ask myself time and time again – why are you doing this?
There’s no real reward, and then it goes to shit, and then what? What do you want?

Honestly, it sounds shitty, because it is – but I want all the nice things about a relationship – but not a relationship. Why’s that? Because I haven’t met the right person, that’s why. But I’m still human, I still crave affection, cuddles, sex and attention. Don’t we all?

So yeah, this year has been a crazy year for me – I wanna say good and bad, but mostly it’s just been good, because in all ‘bad’ there’s good anyway…

I’ve never had sex with as many guys in a year as I have this year – so 2019 has been my slut year, and I have no regrets. But time after time I question myself and ask, was it worth it? Was it even good? What did I get out of that?
Most importantly, I feel like it fucks up my energy and focus and emotions. It triggers shit in me that has no relevance to whatever is going on currently, but something that’s probably deeply rooted in me from childhood. Which means that I sit back with a feeling of loneliness.

It’s like I can’t really do the halfway thing. What do I even want?
I know deep down I don’t really want any of the guys.
They spark nothing within me. It’s like I see them a few times and its fun, then it just turns to no fun, but then I keep seeing them – just for the sake of it. Why?

Gee.

The world is so full of uniteresting and unintelligent people, even unkind and unthoughtful people. Disrespectful and selfish people. And sometimes what we dislike the most in others, are qualities we sometimes portray ourselves. I’ve been unkind, I’ve been selfish… Rarely, but it has happened.

I’m asking for the world to give me something, I’m not even giving myself. Which is so double standard…

I wish I will learn to truly open up my heart to the world, that way I will invite in the right people instead of the wrong. If I’m truly honest with the world, the world will be with me too, right?

I don’t know, I just needed to vent my thoughts for a bit on this lonesome night.
Felt a little alone and lonely, a tad bit sad and like I couldn’t sit back with my thoughts.

I feel sad, maybe because I’m ignoring my own boundaries and needs. I need to be done with shit like that. I need to stop putting others and their needs and shit before my own. I need to be stern and I need to say no – and I need people in my life that don’t take it personally and can respect my boundaries when I set them. And if they can’t, they can show themselves out.

I need to be loyal to myself and I need to love and respect myself first.
I need to give myself all the things I long for someone else to give me, I need to give it to myself first.

Loyalty, respect and space.

This is it. This pattern ends here. No more of stretching and going out of my way for someone I don’t give an actual fuck for. No more.

Darkness.

There is beauty in darkness.
Without darkness there can’t be light.
We wouldn’t know what light really is, without darkness there is no shadow.
There’s something cozy about darkness and candles, a little light, not too much and not too little…
Was a random thought that hit me, as I was sitting in darkness with 3 candles lit. Not too much, not too little. Just enough to make me feel cozy and present. Just enough to set the mood for my meditation. I felt overwhelmed with gratefulness and sadness. Sadness that the things that are accessible to me  – aren’t to everyone… Who am I to deserve this more than the next person? I’m nobody. I don’t deserve this more than someone else… So it hurts me a little, that not everyone can have what I have – it’s not that I have a lot, but I also don’t have a little.

I have a home, a bed, water, food, clothes, health, family, friends, I have anything needed for survival and I have freedom. In my world, that makes me privileged…

I don’t know why this hit me just now and why it made me feel so strongly, but it did. It’s something I think about often, so it’s not random or out of the blue, however this might be the first time I’ve ever gotten emotional about it.

Long story short, I’m grateful and thankful for everything in my life. Truly. Even though some things haven’t turned out the way one could wish, even though I might not have reached all the goals I want to yet, even if I’m not where I thought I would be – it doesn’t matter, because where I am right now is just where I need to be. I am grateful for all I have, because there will always be someone who has more or less. I am grateful for my heart and mind, because what makes me most proud of myself is my ability to feel for and with other people. I feel like that is something that is missing in this world and I am grateful that I was given the ability of being a very empathetic and sympathetic person. It’s not always easy, but I am grateful for it. I am grateful for being able to feel, even when it hurts. Because without hurt there is no low, and without a low, there can’t be a high.

Much love.