Drenched for growth

I opened my eyes to a dark room with gloomy light. I could hear the rain trickling as it was hitting the concrete drop after drop. I pushed open the window and a light earthy scent entered the room. There’s something so tranquil and fresh about the smell of rain.

Soon the rain turned from peaceful drops to ragefull streams, like a child throwing a tantrum, the rain started to flod the streets and drenched everyone in its vicinity.

A sense of gratitude and admiration washed over me as I was observing from the dry comfort of my home. Unaware of the storm that was soon about to hit me.

I was soon to find out that the force of the rainy storm outside was not just limited to Mother Earth but also passed down to her Children. For the wrath of emotions can drench a person too with only your center as shelter, from here you can observe in dry comfort too.

The irony of watching the storm outside just to have one appear within. I watched meticulously as the storms were moving in sync. “As Above, So Below; As Within, So Without.”

Watching both events unfold and understanding that only attachment would be the cause of seperation between the two, for they are one and the same.

I felt the storm hit me drop by drop, experiencing every movement without resistance. For a plant to grow it needs water equally as it needs sun, I said to myself. Realizing that neither is good nor bad, but both are necessary.

Freedom of choice

I walked up to the platform of the train station and looked out at the view of the city. The sun was peaking from behind a cloud, the cars were roaming on the road and in the distance someone was hastily making their way towards the station.

I took two steps closer towards the tracks to peak out from the shade and into the sun. The absolute perfect spot to catch some warm rays: “This is life”, I thought to myself. The sun was gently prickling the skin on my face with heat, I could feel the slight temperature change on my body from it’s kisses. As I allowed myself to soak in the sun, I noticed the coolness of the wind as it blew. I quickly realized I had gone from warm to cold and how the experience of temperature had changed entirely.

I was warm and cold at the very same time. Yet when my attention was on the wind I’d freeze, but if I shifted my attention to the sun I’d warm up. As I split my focus I noticed how I was both warm and cold all at once and that it was completely up to me which of the three options I wanted to fill my experience: warm, cold or both simultaneously.

I smiled as I so clearly saw how this too applies in any and everything in life. Where your attention goes is where the grass grows. You create your experience through your focus. You are given a box full of different legos but it’s entirely up to you which ones you choose to build with. And so I decided to focus on the warmth of the sun whilst still acknowledging the presence of the wind and in that moment I rediscovered the freedom of choice.

Transformation

She took a deep breath, packed her bag and waltzed out the door. As she marched over to her bike with her head held high and her mood even higher, she took a moment to notice the birds chirping, the sun shinning and the wind breezing. She felt the slight cool temperature change travel through her nostrils down her airways as she filled her lungs with fresh air. Then noticed how the breath circulated out a tad bit damp and warmer as it subtly caressed her upper lip. “Even air must transform to serve a new purpose”, she thought. “Neither better, nor worse – just different.”

She hopped on the bike and off she went. She noticed how people on the street all seemed to have destinations they so eagerly needed to reach. She, on the other hand, was just out strolling and taking life in. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be, without target – yet with so much purpose. She knew not where she was going but she knew she’d know when she got there. She was letting her curiosity guide her and the Uncertainty lead her, for now she was just taking in everything on the way.

The traffic roaming, the toddler laughing, the dog barking and the faint sound of an ambulance in the distance; so many layers of activities and existence that had previously gone unnoticed. For the first time everything seemed so clear and present although nothing had changed out in the world, everything had changed. It was not that the world was different it was because she was. She was clear, present and connected – so she could now so clearly connect everything.

Let go to expand into love

We’re already 3 whole months into 2024, crazy. It’s like time goes slow and fast at the same time… First post in 2024, I haven’t been writing much and quite frankly I almost forgot how much I love and enjoy it… Not to mention how therapeutic it is for me.

Either way I always find it quite fascinating, and a bit funny, to read my past writings/posts… Because from the perspective of where I am now I can clearly see what I couldn’t in the moment I was writing; hindsight – it’s a funny thing.

My friendship with my guy friend in one of the previous post is pretty non-existent. I was having such a hard time letting it go when I wrote it, I felt so betrayed – but here now on the other side of things… I find it so silly that I was so emotionally tied up to something so trivial. I let it go; him along side other friendships… Old friendships that felt much more significant… But I guess that was the theme for me in the past months: letting go of people that no longer resonate. Not holding on to relationships where there is no resonance to be found anymore. Accepting that time doesn’t justify holding on to people. I still hold love for those people, but I’ve just decided that my time, energy and peace of mind is worth more. That being authentic and having open, honest, vulnerable relationships are really the only thing I want to spend my energy on – at least for people that I have close.

If we can’t have conversation where we are open, vulnerable and honest, whilst taking full responsibility for ourselves, then I can’t. I simply can’t spend energy on it, it’s exhausting. Full transparency, full responsibility and emotional maturity is a must. And I guess I just realized that not a lot of people are willing to do that. I completely understand that not all people have those skills fully (because it’s something you need to practice and learn) – and I am not even asking for that. All I ask is for willingness and courage, which ties to growth – and if you’re not willing to grow as a person and go beyond your comfort zone… Then we’re not a match either.

Well anyway, to sum it up – that means I’ve had to cut some ties. I am simply just not willing to live in the past anymore and holding on to people that are not willing to progress, means that I am holding myself back too. And I am done with that.

The famous saying that you have to be willing to let go to make room for something else is really what I am leaning into.

It’s important to note that when you let go of things/people/whatever that no longer serve you, what you are making room for is more love. For me, by letting go in those instances, I made room for me to love myself more. By holding on I was doing the opposite of loving myself and the room for love was constricted rather than expanded. But by letting go I was expanding into love: for me and them.

I am so grateful

2023 is coming to an end soon – only 2 more weeks to go! It’s crazy to think about how much has happened this year and how many changes have happened in my life. In general every year of my life has been… Eventful, full of experiences and lessons. Yet every year I think: “Oh wow so much has happened this year”. The truth is though that I have been growing every single day since… Always. Stagnation has not really been a thing because I do not thrive in stagnant waters. I thrive where the water moves and waves. Sometimes, like a surfer, I ride the wave and other times it throws me off the board. That’s really how my life has been and is…

I am curious by nature and that has led me to many places and experiences. And I am sure it will lead me to many more…

I am so grateful for my inner power and all the blessings that the Universe gifts me. For everything is a blessing, even lessons are blessings… Because how lucky am I, to know that I am responsible for all and that there is something to wake up to in everything? What a blessing that is in itself; to be awake.

I am not above nor below anyone, we are all equal beings. We are all whole, because we are all one.

I am so grateful for everything that I have, every person that I’ve shared beautiful moments and conversations with, every bite of food that was made with love, for every hug that I have ever received, every kind word that was ever given to me and every thoughtful action that was ever intended to show me love.

I am grateful for all the moments of hurt, all the arguments and fallouts, all the people that treated me poorly which taught me how to love myself better, for all the suffering that made me stronger and more resilient, for all the pain that showed me all the facets of being human and for all the difficulties that steered me on my path.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for all ❤

Should I let it go vs. be upfront and vulnerable?

The past many months there’s been a guy on my mind… And it’s kinda crazy how he takes up so much space in my head and thoughts, yet when I sit down to actually be rational about it – none of it makes sense. This guy and me, we could never work. We are like from two different timelines and planets. He is so much younger than me, which means he has so much to learn in life and that in itself is a huge gap. He’s emotionally immature and just immature in general… But we have so much fun together and we do have great chemistry. We’ve built a really lovely friendship and lately it feels like he’s been pulling away… I’m not sure why.

Our friendship and bond was so exciting and it made me so happy. I was having so much fun and I felt excited about new friendships and experiences. We just clicked in a way that made me feel really good.

But then he made a move and kissed me one time… And it’s as if things got weird since then. We decided that we were just going to go forward as friends. At first it seemed a little strange, I could feel that his vibe had changed a bit… Then everything was fine again… And then lately it’s been weird again. Not necessarily when we’ve seen each other, but it’s been weird as in… I feel like he’s avoiding me.

I am just left with this huge question mark of not understanding what’s going on. Because I thought we were actually good friends and I felt like we had gotten pretty close… So I have been feeling hurt and left out, sort of abandoned in this friendship the past many weeks.

I haven’t had the right opportunity to talk to him about it… And quite frankly I’m unsure if it would even be the right thing to do. I like him, a lot… But I am starting to question if I like him more than just as a friend? But also I can’t make that make sense, because I could never date him… As in, I really wouldn’t want to. So I’ve been questioning if it’s perhaps the other way around? He likes me more than just a friend? Like why else would be suddenly pull away like he has? But then… Why do I even care/obsess so much about it?

It leads me to somewhere completely different… Which is this pattern, this repetitive pattern in my life, and this feeling of being left out. Abandoned. But very much this feeling of being excluded. Because in actuality that is what I am feeling. I am feeling excluded and therefore – abandoned. I feel left out. And it not only in this friendship, but also in the group dynamics of this friendship, but also with my siblings… And in other situations… There is a part of me that feel like I ‘always’ get left out… And so perhaps it’s more about that, than it is about him. And perhaps he is just a representative of that, of ‘rejection’ of ‘exclusion’ and of ‘abandonment’. So the question to ask myself might be: ‘where in my life am I rejecting, excluding and abandoning myself?’

And whilst I may not have the answer at this given moment, it is perhaps a relevant question I need to ask myself, and more than likely the answer will present itself when it is time…

But this whole thing might also be about a test of authenticity and vulnerability. As in me being truthful to myself, being authentic, and not letting fear stop me from that. Which takes vulnerability to do… Oh well, I will see him tomorrow and we will see if the time and setting will be right for bringing up these things. Because I don’t feel authentic by not addressing my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I am holding back and putting a mask on, which is not how I want to live my life. But I also have to evaluate if this friendship is even something I want to hold on to or if it’s just time to let it go and accept it’s end. It was short but maybe that’s just how it needs to be, and I will see him here and there as we go and mingle in the same places… But maybe that’s just that… And I really don’t need to chase anything in life, or force it. But I also don’t want to hold back in life and not express myself, because perhaps my authenticity could be the key.

I guess I will know when I know… For now I am just having these late night thoughts that needed an outlet, which is why I created this blog to begin with… But it’s 2AM and I really need to sleep rather than ‘figure’ things out. So I will throw all the options up in the air and see what lands!

Goodnight

10 years on the blog

Today, 10 years ago, I started this blog and wrote my first post… It’s funny to look back and see how much has changed – and how much hasn’t. How much I’ve grown and how some things are still very valid today. It’s amazing to see how wise I was 10 years ago and how I read some of those things from a place of much more wisdom – yet I am amazed at some of the things I’ve been writing and thinking.

This place here, online, has basically been my online diary, my creative writing space, for 10 years… That’s a long time of documenting and storytelling… I am so glad I did that and to have all these entries to shuffle though and laugh at, to be surprised at, to remember once again – oh life is wonderful, it really is.

The past few years most of my entries have been more on the poetic side of things… And I’ve perhaps really not written much like I used to do, maybe I’ll try to do that more often…

Anyway, thank you for being here with me! I hope you’ve enjoyed, and enjoy, the journey as much as I have enjoyed writing it. ❤

xx

LFT

Let go of the shame.

I only struggle because I have no aim.
Sometimes that fills me with shame.
Not knowing where I am going or where I want to be.
I feel like I am floating in a void of uncertainty.
A void that has no beginning and no end,
something I can’t quite comprehend.
The infiniteness of life and existence,
somehow that translates into a deep resistance.
A resistance of being just another piece in a puzzle,
of being a controlled animal in a muzzle.
I do not want to just exist, and have my pain persist.
I want to be alive, not just survive, but actually thrive.
I want to feel and flow, and live a life that is slow.
Let the uncertainty guide me in this journey,
embracing it rather than worry.
Letting go each step of the way, growing more detached every day.
Even if I have no aim,
I can still wake up and choose to let go of the shame.

What is it that you seek?

What is it that you want?

Is it love?

Is it validation?

Is it attention?

What is it that you want, which you think you don’t already have?

What is it that you seek, which you think can be sought?

Are you a Seeker or are you that which you Seek?

Are you divine or are you just mundane?

Are you both and everything in between?