I need to spare my energy.

I really need to spare my energy for myself and my goals – my life. Moving forward, screw having friends that don’t wanna grow and be more. what am I supposed to use that for?
I’m tired of spending time and energy trying to help people that don’t really wanna be helped, but just wanna complain and whine. I ain’t got time.
I don’t have time to listen to whiners, I am more than that. I need to find and spend time with awesome people, the thing is… I haven’t met any, not here anyway…

Average people are everywhere, not that there’s something wrong with being average… But they are EVERYWHERE, no one strives, envisions or dreams to be better – to be more. They’re all ants. They’re all bees. They’re all slaves to the system. NOT ME.

Screw the system, screw being average and screw slaving life away for others’ dreams. HELL TO THE NO.
That’s not me.
Bye Felicia.

If you don’t wanna move forward – don’t, but you sure ain’t gonna pull me backwards. Stay where you are, best believe I ain’t staying with you. That’s not how I roll.

Loser friends are for losers. I’m not a loser.
I’m tired of trying to help everyone and therefore getting surrounded with people that aren’t doing shit with their lives, and don’t wanna do shit with it. No. NO NO NO NO.

I can’t. I won’t.

 

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Being an adult.

ADULT.

One of the scariest words I know…

What does it mean? I’ve discussed this with a few people lately, quite frankly, we all seem to have different definitions of what it means to be an adult…

To me, it’s fairly ‘negative’. To others it means to have responsibilities, or even once you have the responsibility over another person (child) then you’re an adult…
That’s not quite how I see it…

To me there’s a huge difference between being mature and being an adult.
Being mature to me, means responsibilities and acknowledgements and self-realization… Lack of pettiness and unnecessary illogical behavior… To some that’s what being an adult means. To me, not so much.
To me being an adult means you’ve lost your light and inner child. It means you no longer know how to play, it means your mind is closed and set. It means you’re boring and not ‘full of life’, which somehow also translates to ‘not full of hope’. It means that you no longer really dream and you no longer really believe either.
Basically being an adult means that you accept the paths society has created instead of creating your own. It means that you always follow the stream and you never go against it.
I remember being little and thinking 18 was when you were an adult, then I thought at 15 that at 25 you were definitely an adult… And now I wonder, is there really an age for when you’re an adult? If so, I’m still not there… And I don’t know if I ever want to be…

I wanna be young at heart forever. I don’t ever wanna be boring and stop taking chances… That doesn’t mean I don’t understand that once you have others to take care of, they need to be a part of the risk evaluation… Because you might not care about the hardship you have to take yourself, but you don’t want those you love to go through it. You have to be responsible. But that doesn’t mean you have to be boring and always safe.

To me, essentially, being an adult means you follow the system. As far as I’m concerned, I will never do that. I will always be me, do me, and say fuck the system. Fuck the beliefs and information we’ve been fed for so long. Fuck all of that, let’s embrace the child within us. The child that believes in magic. The side of us that wants to believe the world is an amazing and magical place – because it is. The world sucks, no doubt. But it’s equally as magical as it is horrible. The beauty of it is, that the world is like us. The world is a reflection of you. Me. everyone. It’s magical, it’s beautiful, it’s strong and powerful. But it can also be ugly and devastating. It’s all circumstantial, it’s all about what you choose to focus on. It’s all about balance.

No matter how much I wish there was world peace, I also acknowledge and understand that balance doesn’t exist without the bad too. But there is more good than we think there is. We’ve just become blind to it…

Enough about that though, my point is being an adult means different things to different people. In my world I see it as a word people want to push on you to make you behave a certain way. A way I don’t believe in… And therefore…

I will never be an adult. 

Where do I see myself in 10 years?

I don’t know what I want in life… I don’t know what I want to do, or not do… I don’t know what I’m passionate about… I just don’t know anything anymore to be honest… I just feel kinda lost…
I don’t know… I feel like I’m a lost soul who can’t live life like everyone else does, but yet haven’t found my answer as to – what do you want? What do you want to do?
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Heck, even just in 5… No clue. No. Freaking. Clue.

I just don’t know… I haven’t found something that makes me believe in myself or makes me think, this is what I live for – or want to live for… Or perhaps I have, but I just don’t know it – because I don’t believe in myself?

Gosh.

I don’t know… Hopefully in 10 years, if I live that long, I will have my own family… I’d hope so, or at least be starting one… If not then, I’d probably be too old to ever… Hopefully by then I will have found my life mate and have a child or two… As far as career and such… I don’t know, I honestly have no vision for that – yet.

As for right now? I wan’t to be able to explore myself more. I wan’t to understand me. I love traveling because every country is like a new side of myself. Every country is a little box inside me getting opened. And I guess that’s why I think traveling is so important, because to me it’s not just ‘seeing the world’, it’s also ‘seeing myself’. I want to meet people, I want to love, I want to help, I want to make a difference, make people smile…
I don’t know… I don’t know what I want… I don’t know…

We feel so entitled to having opinions.

I’m not on this earth to judge or tell other people how to live their lives…
So why are everyone else?

I really truly do wonder, why are people so busy with judging others?
Why do we judge people for the way they live or the choices they make? Just because they’re different to ours? So what, who said our way to live or the choices we’ve made and make, is the right way?
There’s no such thing as the right way, not universally speaking at least. There’s only a right way as in you need to choose the right way for you.

In fact most of the opinions people have about others only reflect how they feel about themselves or how they feel inside – unrelated to whomever they’re judging.

We all feel so entitled to having opinions.
And whilst we most certainly have the right, there is often no need to have one.

Why have an opinion, or a strong opinion, about something that doesn’t have an impact on your life – and doesn’t hurt anyone or anything?
Such as e.g. homosexuality, what is it to you?
I can understand how people have opinions about the environment, because that’s something that ‘hurts’…

I don’t know…
I just wonder why we all judge ourselves based on norms or rules or opinions that really don’t mean shit.
If we all just did what made us happy and cared less about opinions, we’d all be so much happier and free… And we’d all be able to relate to each other more, because then we’d see that although we’re all different – we’re not really…

“Someone who looks like YOU?!”

Something I’ve heard a few times over the past many years is that sentence:

“Someone who looks like YOU?!”

I guess out of context this could refer to many things… In my case it seems to be a standard answer from guys when I talk about my ‘love life’, if you will…

I’ve heard it when I’ve mentioned how many guys I’ve slept with, and I heard it here the other day when we somehow got to talk about my love life. Or should I say the lack of its existence…

I was talking about how I haven’t done anything with anyone for well more than a year, and they were so surprised adding: “I mean, I’d never expect that for someone who looks like you!”

You know, I never knew your love life was dictated by how you look… Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand how ‘easy’ it is to ‘pull’ when you’re good-looking… But I feel like we live in a time where anyone can get laid? Or maybe its just because I’ve never faced the issue? I highly doubt it would be difficult to go out and just take someone home, I mean… A lot of people are only about that, so… Yea whatever.

I just wonder, do people look at someone and think: you’re good-looking, which means you must have had a lot of sex…
People talk about it like its not a choice. I was literally just the subject of conversation, not a part of it, 4 guys were just actively trying to figure out what was wrong. I kept trying to explain that it was a choice, but they just didn’t understand.

I tried to tell them that I just didn’t want to kiss someone without a reason, and that I hadn’t met someone kissworthy. And they kept saying: its just a kiss!
Yea I know, but if I don’t want to, why should I?
I’m not saying the next person I kiss is the one I should marry… I just haven’t met someone I was super attracted to or where I was thinking ‘I really wanna kiss you’ – so why should I? I don’t wanna go around kissing people without a reason or wanting to, just to do it. Makes no sense to me… I’m not desperate. I’m comfortable. With myself, I don’t need to chase or force things. Things will happen as they should. I don’t want to compromise anymore.

Compromises are to be made with people, not with life.

 

There are limits to my existence…

Sometimes I’m sad about feeling alone…
Other times I think, well aren’t we all?
No matter how many friends or family we have, aren’t we all really alone?

I mean sure, some have stronger networks than others… I don’t know, maybe its because I myself don’t have, and probably never really did have, someone or people I could truly 100% rely on. I mean sure, I guess my mom… I know she would be there in the end if something was to happen – and she has been there quite a lot when I truly needed something. It wasn’t always like that, but the past few years she’s tried.

I don’t know… I guess perhaps some of us feel more alone than others, keyword: feel. Because in the end we are all alone. We were born alone. We die alone. And we can never count or expect from anyone else but ourselves. You. You only have you.

It’s a tough thought, but its a real one… I just don’t feel like I truly have anyone I can turn to, always count on, rely on, feel 100% comfortable with… I just feel like I’m odd in this world. I’ve been given so many assets, so many… And I could really do things with it… But I also feel so weird. Sometimes I wish I was dumb, I really do. I wish I just had an average or even low IQ, because… Ignorance is bliss, right?

I’ve given up lately, on life. I think a lot about death, not actual suicide… But just, death. What it feels like to die, and how crazy it would be if this life is just a ‘test’ and death is the way… But I guess one will never know till they die, and then it will be too late to undo if the result isn’t as desired. I think its a nice thought to think it doesn’t end there, but I also believe that death is like being asleep, you just don’t dream and you never wake. You don’t know you’re gone, you just are.

That’s so weird right, I can’t understand it… I can’t understand existence. And no one understands what I mean… It’s not just a thought, its a feeling, its a realization. It’s the knowledge of knowing how the thought really makes you feel and how your brain can’t make sense of it. You just don’t know what I mean, til you know. My experience is, that no one even tries to. No one tries to understand or think it, apparently I’m just weird like that…

I can’t explain it, but its this deep feeling of not understanding… How this existence is all there is. This is all. This. Is all. It’s not a TV show, that you turn off and then there ‘something else’. No this is all. Think about it, this is earth. There is the universe. You’re on earth, there’s life here. Your life. You exist, just here, just now. But then when you die, you don’t. And then what? Then that’s it? And then, why are you even here to begin with? And how? This is all there is, that’s scary. And that thought and feeling, it’s not just a thought or feeling. It’s like a deep trance, where you’re so deep into the thought that it gets this weird feeling out in you… And I can’t put words to it. But suddenly you feel it, you feel your existence and the limitations of it… And it’s scary and confusing… And a bit depressing too…