Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

“…then he’s my one”

Good days.
Bad days.

We all have them. Sometimes more of one than the other.

Eric practically lives with me. He sleeps over almost every night…
Sure there were days where I needed him to stay home, so I could focus. But I didn’t say anything…

I need to stop that. I need to stop going into the same old patterns… Where I put myself last.
No. I need to speak up – for the sake of both of us.

Yesterday, he was going to stay home. But with this week being all about the exams, I knew he and I wouldn’t get much time together… Which is healthy for us – but still doesn’t make you miss the other person less…
Anyway, I could feel the stress creeping up.

We’d been together all day. And then he left because he had some work to do…
After an hour or two, as it was getting late… I could feel that I needed him. I needed someone to hold me and give me affection and to calm me down…

I called him and asked him, if he was going to go home after he was done with his work…
He said yes.
I was a little disappointed and upset, and he knew.

I set my mind to the fact that I wouldn’t ‘get my way’ today, and that I’d just have to suck it up. I tried to look at the positive aspects of him not being there.

I laid on the couch, as I couldn’t sleep.
I had this gut feeling that he wasn’t going to go home and was coming my way – because he knew I wanted him there.
But I wasn’t sure if it was my gut or just wishful thinking.

I told myself: If he comes, then he’s my one.

Surely, he did.

He came.

Why’s that amazing?

Because so many times, I’ve wished actions from previous guys – with no luck.

But this one… He did it. He really did.
He comforts me the way I’ve wished to be.

We’re very alike, and yet not.

Is he my one?

Invincible. Or not.

I wish I was.

Wouldn’t that be great?

I dream of being invincible.
Quit being a slave of the system. Quit doing things I don’t want to.
And start doing what I dream of.

If only…

Monday 16th November: “I love you” he said.

“I love you” he said.
It took him a while and a lot of whispers, before finally saying it.
In a way she felt happy. In a way she felt confused. Overwhelmed.
Sure there were times where she enjoyed him presence so much she wanted to say “I love you”, but she didn’t. Why? Because she never said that unless she was sure… Besides, it was too early to be saying it.
No rush.

But then he said.
Almost out of the blue.

She just kissed him. She couldn’t say it back. Whilst kissing him and smiling, she was thinking “fuck, what should I do?”…

“How do you know?” she asked him.
“I don’t know, that’s just how I feel.” he replied confused.
“well… Okay” she said.

She kissed him.
It took her awhile, but she didn’t know what else to do.
“I love you too” she whispered in his ear.
But did she really?
After meeting him for the first time a little over 2 months ago, she was still unsure.
Sure she could get really jealous, sometimes she’d express it, but most of the time she didn’t… You never want to seem crazy or insecure right?
But where did the jealousy come from?
It didn’t come from insecurity, she knew she was worth more than any girl he’d ever met. But… It came from uncertainty.
Not knowing whether he really meant it when he said she was his girlfriend.

It was like he was hiding her. From the girls. Not the guys. All the guys knew… But all the females had no clue…

Oh how our world develops for the worse. Social media makes it easy for people to communicate and easy for cheating, easy for problems, easy for everything. All of a sudden the whole community is right there… All of a sudden its no longer only the people who were there, that knew what happened. No, we live in a digital world, where time and space is almost eliminated…
So what about snapchat?
One thing is sending private direct snaps, another is ‘my story’… Now mystory is for everyone to see… If they want to.
Two of his friends had proudly put her on theirs, trying to show off – as if she was theirs, but who knew she wasn’t…
His friends secretly wish they had met her first, and envied him a little.
His friends proudly showed her off, as if she was with them, when they were in her company… To make others jealous, because they knew, she was gorgeous and amazing.

But he… He never did.
Sure he wanted to have a picture with her. But only for himself.
She felt like he didn’t want people to know who she was.

“You’re mine” he would say.
But was she really?
“We’re together” he would say.
But were they really?
It’s not real if its a secret.

“I like you so much” he said.
She just thought, well one would think you did if you love me…
She started to wonder, like she did the first time he said “I love you”.
‘Does he even know what love is? Does he know what it means to love someone?
It feels like he’s confused about whether or not he loves me or likes me. I don’t think he knows what love is, I just think he likes me very much, to the extreme maybe’ she thought to herself…

Perhaps he was as confused as she. But in a different way.

His birthday party. The date was set. His mother even said to him that it was his own responsibility to invite friends, or her.
He told her this.
But he never gave her an actual invite. Till now he still hasn’t invited her.
She wondered.
Was she invited? Did he not want her to meet his family?
She could understand… And yet…

She knew he liked her.
But she didn’t know how committed he truly was.

This didn’t help her in her confusion of everything as it already was.
She was confused.
How important was she?
Would this ever work?
She was 3 years older… Perhaps this was all a mistake?

She wondered…

“We’re together, it’s you and me” He said.

“We’re together, it’s you and me” he said. “I’m your boyfriend, next time anyone asks”.

So… I guess that sealed the deal.

I was going around feeling weird about not knowing what we were, how to feel.
Are we a thing? Should I let my feelings go where I don’t want them to?
I couldn’t figure out whether not to be scared and let the universe take me where it wants – or whether to hold back because I might get hurt… Should I keep doors open? So my chances with others don’t get spoiled?

I was going around thinking a lot. Overthinking.
Couldn’t figure out whether or not I like him or not.
Because I don’t feel all bubbly.

I do get a little jealous and worried and I do love spending time with him.
It’s not something thats completely out of this world… I mean, but maybe that feeling comes with time when you really bond etc.

One thing is for sure.
I like how things are right now, and when it doesn’t feel right, then that’s that – if it will come to that, that is.
Another thing is for sure as well – he likes me more than I like him, he’s more in love than I am. Or perhaps he’s the only one who’s in love… Because I’m not bubbly in love.

In fact I feel like it can be hard to tell sometimes, if you’re in love or not.
Some people insist on the fact that you can’t be in doubt about it, and if you are – then you’re not in love.. But honestly I don’t think that’s necessarily true.
Sometimes its just hard to tell what is what. Its human to question things.

But my decision is to try to stop overthinking about everything so much, and just try to let things be. It’s difficult, but possible…

So we’ll see what the deal is …
Time will tell… Which is my favorit saying, as nothing is more true than that.

Ritual – Josephine

This song is one of my favorites at the moment… Enjoy :)

What do I want? What to do?

I can’t seem to figure things out lately… What do I want?
I’m not sure. Do I want Eric? Do I want to be free to date?
Do I just want to be single and ‘play the singles game’?

What do I want? I don’t know… I can’t figure it out.
I’m not in love. I really aren’t…

So many guys. So many options. Yes, I am a very wanted woman. Without sounding like a dick, I’m pretty wanted on the market. And once you get to know me, I’m hard to get over.
I’m just very likeable, on top of my looks.
I’m pretty amazing. For the first time ever I can tell myself this, I am pretty damn amazing.
I’m an amazing creature. I’m a wonderful person. I am just fantastic… So I understand that any move I make is ‘dangerous’ … Because I’m not one who likes to hurt people. I’m just not like that…

But I’m in doubt. I can’t figure out what I want, or don’t want.
Right now I can’t figure anything out… Everything is messy in my head.

What to do?

Time will hopefully give me a clear answer.


Right now I’m doubting everything.
Everything I’m doing, have done… Everything.

I’m doubting the course of my life.
I’m doubting this whole thing with Eric.
I’m doubting my education. I don’t feel ‘qualified’, if that makes sense?
I feel like i know nothing. I’m doubting if this is what I should be doing…

I’m doubting everything.

Why I am doing what I am doing. Why am I living the life I am?
Is it for me? For my family? For society? For who?

I don’t even know…

I feel like I know nothing…

Fear & a thought that’s been thought more than once.

So I had a thought this morning.
Not a new thought. Not a thought I haven’t had before.
Because trust me, I’ve thought of this many times before…

So this thought, what is it…

Well currently I am very stressed… Stress means that I get tired of everything, I’m fighting to avoid depression – because that’s the last place I want to go.
Control. I want to control this so I don’t fall into the big black hole of depression.

Anyway… It all just makes me wonder… Wonder about how it would be to disappear off the face of the earth. Be gone. Forever.
Then I think… Well if that’s the option… Then why not just take a ticket to somewhere and disappear. See where life takes me.
If I want to disappear, be gone aka die, then why not do that instead. Which is what I really want. But dying is easier. Less scary, less fear.

I know it sounds morbid. But its not because I’m suicidal, its more a thought of how everything would be if there was nothing. Nothing to think about, worry about, no stress.

I just want to be gone. Will anyone notice? Will anyone miss me?
If I no longer existed, would it matter?
Does it even matter if it matters? Does it matter what others think?
I guess not, but we all want to leave a print behind when we’re gone, right?

So why don’t I just disappear? Go explore the world, in an unconventional non-touristy way?
Because I’m scared. First off all, I still have an education to finish. And the world is a scary place. And what about the people I leave behind? And money? I have bills to pay…
Money.  Lack of money and fear, that’s whats stopping me. Now fear may not be reasonable enough reason, because you have to overcome your fears… And money, many people travel without it, but once again – fear. I still have rent etc to pay even if I choose to travel… I need to eat and survive…
So yea… Fear. In the end its all about fear.
The fear of not being able to survive without money – so its not really about money as such as it goes back to fear. So in the end, the big stopper and preventer is in fact fear, and nothing else than that…


It has so much control.
I wish I could be careless. But I’m not…
I wish I could say ‘fuck you fear, life will take me where I have to go’ – and although that might be true, it doesn’t make me less scared. No… Fear controls my life right now.

I’ll find a way… But for now, I am the slave of fear.
One day, I hope, I’ll be free.

“I got it all under control”, she said.

“I got it all under control” she said, with a smile on her face.
But deep down she was worried. Sure why not make it all seem glamorous? Right?
Truth be told, there was nothing glamorous about the ‘player life’.
No. She wasn’t that type of person. She didn’t like hurting people.
She did enjoy the attention, she did enjoy the dates, but she didn’t put any feelings into it. It didn’t have any meaning. But it did to them.
She didn’t give any of them a real chance. Why? Because she wasn’t truly interested.
Because, there was someone that was faster than all of them. That one person that caught her attention before the rest, Eric.
So in the end, when none of them could get her attention like he did, why bother giving them a chance – right?

“I got it all under control” she thought.
But she didn’t. No one can control feelings, most certainly not when its not your own.
What a complicated life she thought.
She didn’t complain about being beautiful or wanted – heck, its not bad to be goodlooking… But it sure as hell isn’t easy either… Especially when you’re not attention seeking.

No… I was never one to seek attention, I was the one who preferred to blend in, to be invisible… I didn’t want to be seen. I used to be scared.
I’m not scared anymore. I love myself more now than ever, I still have some way to go… But I definitely am not looking to hide anymore, like I used to, I am proud of who I am, I don’t need to hide. I’m no longer that scared little girl whose afraid. No. I’m not here to be another one, another person in the crowd, I want to be extraordinary. Do things. Achieve things. I want to be someone. I’m not here to be silent anymore. I am here to be heard. I don’t care if people are puzzled by my honesty or weird humour, its me. Who I am, and I’m not afraid of myself anymore. We’re all a little weird, I’m just becoming more accepting and open about it. Sure I’m not as extrovert as one could be, but I will be. One step at a time, Rome wasn’t build in a day – as you say.

Apart from that. Eric.
Wow I don’t even know what to say. I still don’t know what our relationship is… All I know is that I’m the only one he’s seeing and according to him also the only one he’s talking to…
So I decided I’d do the same, because what the heck, I wasn’t interested in any of those other guys anyway – so why waste their time.

So… I know he’s caught some feelings… But I can’t figure myself out.
I can’t figure out if I’m just liking the feels of it right now, or if I feel more than that…
I think he’s really sweet and all that… But I’m not sure I’m in love. Perhaps its too early to tell anyway…

I once read that ‘true soulmates’ dont fall in love. Because that feeling of falling in love/being in love is not the real deal…
Hell, with Luke I fell in love. And none of it was real, so I think it might be true…

Anyway, as I always say – and probably always will: Time will tell.

Leave me – Marc Talein ft. Haidara

It’s been very long since I’ve last shared a song…
I came across this song a couple of days ago, and for some reason I fell in love.
I like house, deep house – but also rnb, hiphop, rap etc.

The funny thing about this song is that I feel like it resembles Leaving you – Audien.
I feel like this is the reverse side thing of things.


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