Lost in the space of the pause

Lost in the space of the pause,
it’s the face of the cause
that’s got my mind in a state of loss.

I keep repeating words to myself,
drowning my mind as I dwell.
Trying to change by tomorrow,
like time is something I can borrow.

I forgot and I forget, the purpose of it all.
It’s like I rise just to fall, with no plan at all.

What am I even doing with my time and breath,
nothing I do will take me further from my death.
Death is the only thing that’s for certain,
so make sure to live a life without burden.
I tell myself this every day,
yet taking words and making them reality,
seems to be impossible for me.

I keep hanging in there, watching time pass.
I no longer know who, what or where,
I’m just living in a flash.

 

Advertisements

I want love, not lust.

I wrote a long post and decided to delete it…

Why? Because I felt like I wasn’t being honest, at least not about why I was writing it…

It was about how I’m called beautiful, attractive, good-looking etc. by many people.
The common verdict is that I am a very attractive young woman – even though I don’t really see it. I just feel like I am ‘not ugly’…
Anyway, the post was really about how I sometimes feel like I’m judged too much on how I look rather than who I am… And that I personally feel like I am a great and awesome person, whose inner outshines the outer… But that not all people, especially superficials, can see that.
Basically not too long ago someone just made me feel like that, like I wasn’t more than my looks. Which sucked so bad. It just made me feel sad and brought out some emotions in me that I thought I didn’t have anymore… Which only proves I still have some work to do… But nevertheless it made me upset. That once again I was slightly attracted and charmed by another douchebag, who really didn’t see me as anything else than something to conquer and brag about. Fuck off. The worst part is that the guy is ugly. He’s not attractive, I mean he has a good body, but his face is nothing pretty. Not to me at least, and not next to me for sure. I was slightly attracted to him because he seemed really sweet… Turns out I was soooo wrong. He’s just another immature guy who’s not looking for anything but a good time, and he most likely doesn’t even care who it is. And he most likely has never talked to a girl at my level, and that just makes it more ‘fun’ for him.

Well fuck that. I even told myself I WANT TO DATE SOMEONE WHO’S FUCKING HOT – NO COMPROMISES. But no, my usual self who wants people for who they are and doesn’t prioritize how they look came through. And this time I even picked out someone with a shitty personality, good I found out just in the flirty stage. GOOD GOOD GOOD. Now, why the fuck is it so difficult to find someone who’s beautiful on the outside and inside? I mean, fuck. I feel like I have so much to offer – personality and look wise, why can’t I find the same?

I wasn’t looking for it, but this guy just sparked something within me. He made me think that perhaps I did want to be open to dating again. That perhaps it was time to put down the NO sign and just let it be if it comes…
I’m still there. I am open to dating now, as opposed to previously. I just can’t believe I kissed this douchebag. Over a year of not kissing anyone and I chose this one. Lol. I actually didn’t even want to – but I did it. And I felt nothing. I didn’t feel shit. I wan’t to feel something when I kiss someone. I didn’t even want to continue kissing him, I wanted it to end – I didn’t lust for more and I didn’t feel anything… I don’t know.

I guess it was a good thing, because now I know… That kissing AND sex are things I only truly enjoy if I truly like a person and I feel safety and love. Because then I can open my heart and pour out all the love, which is what makes intimacy truly magical. A kiss without that, is just a kiss, like kissing a fruit or a wall – it doesn’t really matter. Same with sex. It’s the emotions, the energy and connection that makes it amazing and that makes it feel good in a way that just can’t be felt with just anyone and everyone…

I know what I want… Because I know what I don’t want.

I want more. I want real. I want deep. I want love, not lust.

I need to spare my energy.

I really need to spare my energy for myself and my goals – my life. Moving forward, screw having friends that don’t wanna grow and be more. what am I supposed to use that for?
I’m tired of spending time and energy trying to help people that don’t really wanna be helped, but just wanna complain and whine. I ain’t got time.
I don’t have time to listen to whiners, I am more than that. I need to find and spend time with awesome people, the thing is… I haven’t met any, not here anyway…

Average people are everywhere, not that there’s something wrong with being average… But they are EVERYWHERE, no one strives, envisions or dreams to be better – to be more. They’re all ants. They’re all bees. They’re all slaves to the system. NOT ME.

Screw the system, screw being average and screw slaving life away for others’ dreams. HELL TO THE NO.
That’s not me.
Bye Felicia.

If you don’t wanna move forward – don’t, but you sure ain’t gonna pull me backwards. Stay where you are, best believe I ain’t staying with you. That’s not how I roll.

Loser friends are for losers. I’m not a loser.
I’m tired of trying to help everyone and therefore getting surrounded with people that aren’t doing shit with their lives, and don’t wanna do shit with it. No. NO NO NO NO.

I can’t. I won’t.

 

Being an adult.

ADULT.

One of the scariest words I know…

What does it mean? I’ve discussed this with a few people lately, quite frankly, we all seem to have different definitions of what it means to be an adult…

To me, it’s fairly ‘negative’. To others it means to have responsibilities, or even once you have the responsibility over another person (child) then you’re an adult…
That’s not quite how I see it…

To me there’s a huge difference between being mature and being an adult.
Being mature to me, means responsibilities and acknowledgements and self-realization… Lack of pettiness and unnecessary illogical behavior… To some that’s what being an adult means. To me, not so much.
To me being an adult means you’ve lost your light and inner child. It means you no longer know how to play, it means your mind is closed and set. It means you’re boring and not ‘full of life’, which somehow also translates to ‘not full of hope’. It means that you no longer really dream and you no longer really believe either.
Basically being an adult means that you accept the paths society has created instead of creating your own. It means that you always follow the stream and you never go against it.
I remember being little and thinking 18 was when you were an adult, then I thought at 15 that at 25 you were definitely an adult… And now I wonder, is there really an age for when you’re an adult? If so, I’m still not there… And I don’t know if I ever want to be…

I wanna be young at heart forever. I don’t ever wanna be boring and stop taking chances… That doesn’t mean I don’t understand that once you have others to take care of, they need to be a part of the risk evaluation… Because you might not care about the hardship you have to take yourself, but you don’t want those you love to go through it. You have to be responsible. But that doesn’t mean you have to be boring and always safe.

To me, essentially, being an adult means you follow the system. As far as I’m concerned, I will never do that. I will always be me, do me, and say fuck the system. Fuck the beliefs and information we’ve been fed for so long. Fuck all of that, let’s embrace the child within us. The child that believes in magic. The side of us that wants to believe the world is an amazing and magical place – because it is. The world sucks, no doubt. But it’s equally as magical as it is horrible. The beauty of it is, that the world is like us. The world is a reflection of you. Me. everyone. It’s magical, it’s beautiful, it’s strong and powerful. But it can also be ugly and devastating. It’s all circumstantial, it’s all about what you choose to focus on. It’s all about balance.

No matter how much I wish there was world peace, I also acknowledge and understand that balance doesn’t exist without the bad too. But there is more good than we think there is. We’ve just become blind to it…

Enough about that though, my point is being an adult means different things to different people. In my world I see it as a word people want to push on you to make you behave a certain way. A way I don’t believe in… And therefore…

I will never be an adult. 

Where do I see myself in 10 years?

I don’t know what I want in life… I don’t know what I want to do, or not do… I don’t know what I’m passionate about… I just don’t know anything anymore to be honest… I just feel kinda lost…
I don’t know… I feel like I’m a lost soul who can’t live life like everyone else does, but yet haven’t found my answer as to – what do you want? What do you want to do?
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Heck, even just in 5… No clue. No. Freaking. Clue.

I just don’t know… I haven’t found something that makes me believe in myself or makes me think, this is what I live for – or want to live for… Or perhaps I have, but I just don’t know it – because I don’t believe in myself?

Gosh.

I don’t know… Hopefully in 10 years, if I live that long, I will have my own family… I’d hope so, or at least be starting one… If not then, I’d probably be too old to ever… Hopefully by then I will have found my life mate and have a child or two… As far as career and such… I don’t know, I honestly have no vision for that – yet.

As for right now? I wan’t to be able to explore myself more. I wan’t to understand me. I love traveling because every country is like a new side of myself. Every country is a little box inside me getting opened. And I guess that’s why I think traveling is so important, because to me it’s not just ‘seeing the world’, it’s also ‘seeing myself’. I want to meet people, I want to love, I want to help, I want to make a difference, make people smile…
I don’t know… I don’t know what I want… I don’t know…

We feel so entitled to having opinions.

I’m not on this earth to judge or tell other people how to live their lives…
So why are everyone else?

I really truly do wonder, why are people so busy with judging others?
Why do we judge people for the way they live or the choices they make? Just because they’re different to ours? So what, who said our way to live or the choices we’ve made and make, is the right way?
There’s no such thing as the right way, not universally speaking at least. There’s only a right way as in you need to choose the right way for you.

In fact most of the opinions people have about others only reflect how they feel about themselves or how they feel inside – unrelated to whomever they’re judging.

We all feel so entitled to having opinions.
And whilst we most certainly have the right, there is often no need to have one.

Why have an opinion, or a strong opinion, about something that doesn’t have an impact on your life – and doesn’t hurt anyone or anything?
Such as e.g. homosexuality, what is it to you?
I can understand how people have opinions about the environment, because that’s something that ‘hurts’…

I don’t know…
I just wonder why we all judge ourselves based on norms or rules or opinions that really don’t mean shit.
If we all just did what made us happy and cared less about opinions, we’d all be so much happier and free… And we’d all be able to relate to each other more, because then we’d see that although we’re all different – we’re not really…