Secret Stories of Mine

Secret Diary of a Woman in Progress

Poem: connected yet disconnected.

All alone in this big world.
A world made small by the Internet.
A world made connected by social media.
Connected.
Yet so disconnected.

Connected across borders, cultures, continents, endless connections.
Yet we are all so disconnected. Disconnected to each other, disconnected to ourselves.
In the midst of this vortex of ‘sociality’ we lose the actuality of reality and real sociality.
We lose sense of self.
We lose sense of reality.
We lose sense of life.

Suddenly there’s a shift in meaning.
A shift in what has meaning in our lives.
A shift in life purpose.
A shift that has no purpose.
A shift that has no meaning.

All of a sudden it’s about all the meaningless things.
All of a sudden all the meaningful things become abnormalities.

Seeking a rush of adrenaline becomes abnormal.
Seeking towards nature becomes abnormal.

Posting selfies becomes normal.
Exploiting our bodies in a sexual way becomes normal.
Chasing likes, acknowledgement and approval becomes normal.

Everything external and impersonal becomes normal.
Everything internal and personal becomes abnormal.

A shift.

A shift that creates an empty space as meaning is drawn out.
Nothing is left.
Empty.
Meaningless.

We try to find our meaning externally.
This approach will never fill us.
We will forever be hungry.
A hunger that can never be filled.

Soon enough grey washed canvases will walk the earth like walking dead.
No more colorful canvases, canvases each unique to their own.
No more canvases painted by he who carries it.
No.
Canvases painted by everyone else than the carrier.
Canvases that all look the same.
No color. No imagination. Nothing beautiful.

Grey.
Dead.
Meaningless.

 

Poem: Surrounded yet alone.

I’m standing in a room.
Surrounded by one hundred people.
One hundred people that know my name.
Fifty people I have interacted with.
Twenty-five that I’ve conversed with.
Ten that I’ve hung out with privately.
Five that I consider my friends.
Two that I consider close friends.
One I feel I can tell almost anything.
Zero that at all times know how I really feel.
Surrounded by one hundred people, yet none.

I’m home.
Home alone.
Surrounded by four walls.
Surrounded by twenty virtual people.
Twenty people I’m communicating with.
Three of which I enjoy communicating with.
Only one who truly cares.
Only one who genuinely appreciates you.
Connected with twenty “friends”, yet alone.

Lonely. Lonesome.
All alone.

 

neglect.

I’ve neglected myself.

I really have… I haven’t set time aside for myself.
I’m so worried about running, keeping myself busy… That I’ve neglected myself.
I can’t find the energy for it…

I’m tired.
I’m running out of money.
I’m frustrated.
I’m stressed.
I’m scared.

I’m… Lost.
I’m drained.
… And I’m running.
Running away… Because I can’t find the energy to do anything else, not realizing that the running is draining me more.

I know I need to ‘DO’ something. I know I need to get my shit together.
I know.

But knowing and finding the motivation to doing is not the same.

I’m tired. Tired of myself. Tired of my ways. Tired of my mind…
I don’t need anyone to accept me. I need to accept myself.
I need to really love myself.
I need to fill up my own cup.
I need to take control.

Im tired. And I’m tired of being tired.

tick tock.

Times waits for no man.

It really doesn’t, one thing in life you cannot buy, cannot reverse, cannot touch – is time.

Right now I’m just passing time. Why?
Because sometimes its okay to just take time to waste time, sometimes you just need that. Doing absolutely nothing.

I need to figure out myself, once again. I need to reload. I need to find meaning. I need to find myself. I need to find feeling, love and sense. I need to once again regain the joy of life, understand myself.

I am tired. I need to allow myself to be tired. I need to accept that sometimes its okay to be tired. However I should allow this, but work towards getting back up at the same time. Its about balance.
Making sure that I don’t give up – otherwise It’ll end in depression, which is the last thing I want.

Tick tock.

Not enough time in a day.
Not enough time in a lifetime.

Time.

Tick tock.

We only get older.
The time is NOW.
Do what you need to do, make yourself happy.

Do what you dream of, don’t waste your time.
Tomorrow is never promised.

Assholes.

There are many assholes out there.
The world is full of assholes.

Why?
Why can people not just be real? Honest? Especially when someone asks directly for the truth…

Do yourself and the world a favor, don’t be one yourself.

I need a change of scenery.

Dear Life,
Please give me strength. Please give me patience.

Dear Universe,
Please. Please let my dreams come true. Please.

Dear Source Energy,
Please take me away. Take me away from this scenery that I can’t stand and place me somewhere else where I belong.

… I don’t belong here.
I feel it deep down. I can’t stand being here.
I don’t belong. I don’t belong here.

My body is here, my physical existence, but my heart is not. My heart is somewhere else, lost. No connection between body and heart… And even mind if you like.

I need to get away.
I can’t be here.
I can’t do this.

Travelling is my escape. It lets me forget. It lets me grow. It lets me live.
I’m free. I’m me. I’m careless. I’m alone.

I don’t like this place. I don’t like the people.
… Perhaps I don’t like myself?

Please take me away. I deserve this. I need this. Please.
I want this. I have to have this.
I need a change of scenery, its not a question of ‘can I’, but ‘I have to’ and ‘I will’.
However the ‘when’ part is not in my hands…

Should I do it? Like I did last time?
Order a ticket and leave the day after? To a new place, where I know no one, to a new place on my own. Should I?

I mean, why not, right?
Why am I more scared this time than last time? Or did I forget the feeling?
I feel deep down that I need to do this once again. I feel like I have to do this. It almost feels wrong not to do it.
What do you have to lose girl? Money? … Yes.
Okay, apart from that? … Nothing.

Money comes, money goes.
Time goes, and never comes back.

Dont waste your time… Life is too short. Life is too short to be scared. Life is too short to not live.

Pregnancy scare.

I think any woman experiences this at one point in her life? Well at least 80% I’d guess…

Sometimes all the symptoms are there, but there’s nothing.
I’ve tried having ‘symptoms’, where I’ve thought, well I haven’t had sex so its not possible. I’ve thought: thank god I know for sure I cannot be pregnant, otherwise I would’ve freaked out.

Well now, I cannot be all that sure. So I am freaking out.
I had this weird cramping like feeling, like when you get your period, and I thought – well my period is coming. And nothing. No period.
I was supposed to get it a few days ago and I haven’t gotten it yet…

I’ve experienced heartburn, lack of appetite, constipation and being very sleepy, but then again I experience these things on a ‘regular’ basis as well…

I got tested at the doctors today, and it was negative. But I’m not sure if its true or not, now I am just waiting to get my period. I think for the first time ever, I can’t wait to get it… Like please, I can’t be pregnant… Not now. I cant have a child and I just really don’t want to experience an abortion… So it’s lose lose no matter what.

So no I don’t want to be pregnant. I hope the doctors test is right. But I’ve heard stories of women getting tested with negative results and they were in fact pregnant… That’s fucked up. That has me overthinking things. But its probably nothing…

Waiting, waiting, like always.

Dear Period, please show yourself.

She had her ups and downs.

Up and down.

That’s how her whole life had been. ‘That’s normal, I guess’, she told herself.
‘Everyone has ups and downs, so why not me too’.
But she knew, that rarely did people have the kind of downs that she had had in the past… Although things were turning for the better now, and she didn’t get depressed like she used to, she was still wondering: ‘why?’.

She felt like whatever she did it was never enough. But enough for whom? Her family? Her friends? No. Herself.
She had an idea, a vision, and it seemed as if something would always get in the way – most often herself – her mind.

She had lost vision and sight of her goals, her life… And she was too tired to regain them. Tired of her destiny always being in someone else’s hands. She wanted to take charge and not have her future depend on someone else, unfortunately at this level it is governmental and nothing can be done but wait.

Wait. She hated that. She hated waiting, if there was one thing she didn’t possess to a great degree it was patience. First she was impatient because she was excited, now she was impatient because the process was way too long. Why couldn’t she just get those damn documents so she knew what was going to happen with her life now?
She was determined at first, that she wanted to go, she didn’t want to stay here any more. She wanted to go out and live somewhere else, start a new life…
And now? Now she was starting to lose hope… She was dependent on three other parties, because apparently that’s how difficult the process needed to be… Oh well.

She tried to encourage herself: ‘Come on girl, don’t give up. You’ll get your papers, you’ll get to go. DON’T WORRY! BELIEVE! Don’t give up now, don’t lose hope, if you want it bad enough you’ll get it – don’t forget that.’

But deep down she was scared that because the deadline was getting so close, she had to tell people that something was coming up. She had to tell people that she was leaving… And because she was a tad bit superstitious she was scared that she had jinxed her chances by telling people…

At the same time she believed in fate and that whatever is supposed to happen, happens. So the two things contradicted one another… She was scared however that jinx could play a part in what happens, as the universe flows on energies…
But she was trying to forget these thoughts, she really wanted this to happen.
She needed this to happen.

‘Don’t forget why you’ve put yourself through this stress. You’ve never been happier than when you returned from that place… You have to go back. You have to believe, you’ll get there, don’t worry. That place moved you like nowhere else, perhaps it was a short time, but perhaps this is where you belong… But how will you ever know if you don’t try? Don’t give up on yourself. This has always been your dream. For once stop being such an asshole to yourself, and just follow your dreams, believe in your dreams – believe in yourself. Don’t put yourself down, don’t stress yourself out, don’t overthink. Come on. You want this. You need this. But right now its out of your hands – so don’t worry too much about it. But don’t stop believing either. Don’t have negative thoughts, believe, be positive, and you’ll get there. It doesn’t matter that your original deadline can’t be met – better late than never right? … And remember, there’s a reason for everything. Nothing in life is a coincidence in the end. Nothing. The universe is testing your belief, your patience, your mind, everything, don’t give in, don’t give up. I know you’re scared to believe, because you’re scared of being let down, but don’t be scared. If you don’t believe it will happen, how should it happen? You have to believe. You have to want it bad. You have to put out the energy that makes it happen. Come on girl, work in favor of yourself and your dreams, don’t be the obstacle that stands in the way of your own happiness.’

She felt weird having to talk herself up, but she felt good, so it couldn’t be all that insane to do it. No. She didn’t need anyone else to encourage her, all she needed was herself. All she ever needed was herself, so she had to remember, that she needed to look within. Get what she needed from within, forget other people. She needed to be there for herself, she needed to support herself, what she would get from the outside should only be bonus and not the essentials.

She needed to remember, what a great person she is.
‘Do you like yourself?’ she said, and looked at her reflection in the mirror. ‘Yes’ she replied, although many thoughts were floating around regarding what she didn’t like, she was trying to convince herself.
‘I am good enough. No one is perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist. Perfection is subjective. My perfect will never be the same as someone else’s, making perfection even more unrealistic and unreal. Perfect is a subjective illusion that can never be met, but can destroy. You are more than good enough.’

And so she took a deep breathe and went on with her day.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t breathe.

Mentally and quite literally.
I feel like I’m suffocating.

I’m so stressed. I’m overthinking, I have too many things going on – as usual. And too little time…
I’m really tired of studying, I’m really tired of waiting and I’m tired of passing time.
I’m just tired.
Frustrated.
Indecisive.

Why?

I don’t know. I mean, all I want to do is travel. If I could choose to do anything right this moment, make a choice of what I’d like to do more than anything, it’s to travel. I just don’t want to do the things that I am doing… But I have to.
I have to finish my education, and to be honest I can’t wait. I’ve studied my whole life, and now I just need to get that final degree and be done. I feel like my life is passing by so fast and I haven’t achieved much yet…

I know it’s just the stress. I know I’m just stressed right now…
But… There’s so much going on right now, school and career wise, and it’s just too much. But there’s no way around it…
With everything going on I’ve just lost sight of what I want… Once again.

… Breathe.

I’m trying but I feel like I cant… I need this feeling to pass, ASAP!… I don’t like it.
I’m suffocating.

I can’t breathe.

I fucked your friend.

Is he really your friend though?
I mean, yeah sure… I got to know him through you… But I guess he was more someone you were acquainted with than anything…
Either way, the last 2 months or so, maybe more, I’ve been more friends with him than you ever were. I think.

I ain’t sorry though.
We only just had sex some days ago. We were not sober. Not an excuse, but kind of removes shyness filters, I knew he was shy.

So yeah Eric, I went ahead and had a piece of your friend Dean.

Is that fucked up though? I mean, I don’t think it is. As I said, he wasn’t really your friend… As such. More of an acquaintance…
And clearly he didn’t see you as much of a friend since he made the move…
As for me, I don’t care about you, I have morals yes, but hey… I got needs too. Not to mention, he’s a nice person. He and I have had longer more meaningful conversations than you and I ever did.
I’m not an idiot, I know its not cool, but you know what… I don’t care, I honestly DGAF, that’s my mood, that’s my motto lately.

You weren’t good to me, I don’t owe you shit – and that’s why I don’t feel bad about it. And what you don’t know, doesn’t hurt you.

I saw you out, our eyes met for a second, then I turned around real quick and left.
You were messaging Dean and calling him, I bet you saw him and I talking, didn’t you?

We left. We went to my place. And on our way you were texting him and me, boy were you drunk. And boy did you have no idea that, we had both left the party, and were heading the same way.
He ain’t your friend, he messaged you/replied your messages, then made his move. I didn’t make the move, he did.

I feel evil, but to be honest, I’m not, I just don’t care about anything anymore. Sorry, not sorry.

My life is always such a weird movie when I’m single. Lol. I don’t even care anymore.
Life is weird, people are weird, people are free, we do whatever the hell we please to do.

So, bye Felicia. I fucked your friend and I don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

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