“A woman has to…

“A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it.”
– D.H. Lawrence (Lady Chatterley’s Lover)

The quote is spot on… Although I would say it applies to everyone – man or woman. Though since I am a woman this is just perfect! 

If you don’t do the things you want to do in life, well then obviously you will just live to regret all the things you never did… 

Who want’s to do that? I’m guessing no one. I know that I definitely don’t! … So I’ve decided to try to be less of a control freak, let go a little and let myself have the fun that I want to have. Who will judge me? So what if anyone judges me? I am my own worst enemy and judge, so I need to think about myself. I need to stop being so harsh on myself, that’s what I need to do… 

Stop beating myself up over little things, stop over-thinking things, stop trying to have control, just be free and live.

I want to just do WHAT I want WHEN I want and even with WHOME I want… I’ve prisoned myself, I am my own prisoner – it’s time for me to break free. And I know just where to start: Sex. 

 

What about you? Got something on your mind that you want to do but wont let yourself have? 

“Real men don’t…

“Real men don’t cry.”

Real men don’t cry! … or… Do they? 

I’m not sure about whether or not a ‘real’ man cries or not… But we’re all people, it’s normal to cry to express yourself. It’s okay to cry to get your feelings out and then feel better. It’s okay to cry if you’re hurting. Crying is normal, man or woman… 

Now why am I going into all this? Well it was just a thought that stroke my mind…
… My ex boyfriend is a sensitive guy, very sentimental and emotional… He would cry sometimes when he was upset. I thought it was so charming and sweet in the beginning – he wasn’t scared to show his emotions, I liked that. Of course it was okay for him to cry when he was feeling hurt in anyway… I cry too, sometimes.

My issue: It’s not attractive when it happens too often.

Although it’s sweet and all… I can’t run from the fact that, as a strong woman, I want a strong man. I’m not saying that crying means you’re weak, but when you tend to cry easily… That’s just not attractive. Control yourself. Don’t be a robot, but don’t be a crybaby either. 

… He was also such a romantic in a way… Whenever he was to write me a card/letter to go with a gift it would be so … Sentimental and sugary sweet… At first, very sweet. In the long run, barf. 

Some things are acceptable, even adorable, in the beginning of a relationship. The problem is that with time as the ‘feeling in love’-cloud vaporizes then it just becomes less cute and more weird. 

You can’t fly on cloud nine your whole life. You shouldn’t become a cliché. Don’t do what they do in movies. It’s just … Not romantic and it doesn’t feel real. 

The last letter he wrote me, although I’m sure he meant every word, it just made me think: ‘OMFG, is this serious?’

It was so sweet, sugary sweet, sugar overload sweet … Maybe Charlie’s Chocolate Factory sweet … No… Sugar producing factory sweet. You get the idea right?

I’m not attracted to that. I’m not sure why, since most girls/women seem to dream of a guy like that. A guy who isn’t afraid to cry, a guy who walks you all the way home even though the distance is quite far from his home, a guy that writes sweet sentimental letters, a guy that will do anything for you and anything you want, a guy that… Well… To me just isn’t a man anymore. I need someone to be in control sometimes. It should be equal. I don’t like to be the decision maker all the time. I don’t like to be the ‘grown up’ all the time. I don’t like the fact that he has nothing to teach me and I am the only one teaching him things. With time I felt like I had a ‘mother’ role – again … NOT attractive. 

 

So back to the crying… I DO think it’s nice that a guy can express himself and isn’t afraid to cry if it is something that really hurts him. The frequency is just what decides whether or not its cute/okay or just barf and pathetic. 

No one like to be with someone who cries too easily or about everything, man or woman. 

 

What do you think? 

“Quitters never…

“Quitters never win. Winners never quit.”
– Vince Lombardi

I keep reading everywhere that exes can’t be friends. I do realize that it’s not optimal… Nor is it realistic that me and my ex will keep being friends forever. I just thinking cutting it all off at once is too extreme. He needs the time to heal before letting go completely, quite frankly so do I.

We still see each other almost every morning to work out. But that’s it. We don’t really text throughout the day as we have in the past nor do we spend time together in the weekends. We don’t spend time together other than in the gym. Training together is really not intimate or anything in any way. We’re just there to make sure we do everything right and to push each other – we’re just training partners.
I also did read that a relationship between opposite sexes which doesn’t include intimacy (sex) isn’t really a relationship but more of a friendship… Which is also one of the reasons why I don’t think its terribly awkward or wrong for us to be friends, we’ve basically been that for so long now anyway…

I was texting him to figure out what time we’re supposed to meet tomorrow… Oh the irony… My phone then freezes (was in my inbox) and as weird as it is… It acts up and the only name out of all the messages in my inbox that doesn’t show is his… I know it’s probably just a coincidence – most likely because he was the last I texted before it froze… But still… The irony …
As if the universe is telling me that its time to just let go. 

Honestly, I don’t think I’m completely ready to do that just yet… In the end he wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was also my best friend. We really have counted on each other so much. The trust, the bond, the fact that we knew we could count on one another no matter what… It’s hard. It’s so hard to let go. For now I’ll just keep him as my training partner. I think it would be too much of a change to cut that out too…

 

I had a meltdown yesterday, Sunday, I’ve been so determined not to grieve that I’ve suppressed my feelings…  Yesterday I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I was home alone the whole day… Normally if I’d have him there… But I didn’t. I was all alone. Had nothing to do and was feeling down. Right before it was bedtime for me I just broke down. I started to sob and cry my eyes out. Quite literally … I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t get more than 5 hours of sleep or so. I woke up today and my eyes were so swollen… But the good thing is that it made me feel so much better. I haven’t cried in so long, I really needed to.

It felt nice to just let it all out, allow myself to be sad… Allow myself to be sad about being lonely… I felt the loneliness and I am heartbroken. Heartbroken that I’m alone. Heartbroken that it didn’t work out the way I wish. Heartbroken that I knew I had lost my friend even though we still train together. I’ve lost my best friend. The only person in the world I trusted with my life 100%, the only person I’ve ever been myself around 100% because I felt that comfortable… It’s heartbreaking to know you have to let it all go, that it’s not there anymore. Yes, maybe it will come again some day with someone… But right now it’s not.
My heart was aching. I felt so lonely. Loneliness is a god-awful feeling. I felt bad from the alcohol the day before as well… Alcohol always makes me nauseous no matter the amount; I didn’t even have a lot to drink… Besides that it always makes me sad and depressed the day after, so I conclude… No alcohol for me! If ever, only a glass of something for the sake of socializing…

Oh life.  Life is tough on us.
I’ve been running from these feelings for a long time. It’s time to just face them and take the pain.
No pain no gain. That goes for fitness as well as life. 
If you avoid pain you won’t gain any experience. You won’t become smarter, stronger etc.
Running never solves anything. It only makes you miserable and at unease.

It’s time for me to grow up completely. I need to face my fears one at a time. I’ve made myself that promise. I won’t let myself down and I never quit.

As the quote says it …
“Quitters never win. Winners never quit.” 

That’s me. I never quit. I’m too stubborn and determined to do so… 

“Sex is part of…

“Sex is part of nature. I go along with nature.”
– Marilyn Monroe

Kissing…

I keep thinking back. Thinking back at the French kissing. How we weren’t “ in sync”… It annoys me! … I want to do it again just to do it right… I’ve only been used to one kind of French kissing, which is apparently what is referred to as ‘the propeller’ … That cracks me up lol. But that’s not what’s important. I feel like a fool! I just want to do it again, do it right. Isn’t it weird how much this bothers me? I’m not normal… *Giggles*

I think back at how he kissed my neck, my cheek… And again… How our noses touched so lightly, how his lips brushed against mine. How we smiled and teased. Then we kissed.

How we cuddled and kissed… How he was holding me. How he kissed my forehead 2 times in a row when we were lying in bed and he had his arms wrapped around me… I keep thinking about that… What did the kiss on the forehead mean? It is supposed to symbolize love… These days everyone knows that’s what its supposed to mean, so has it become a way of saying ‘I really like you’ without actually saying it? Or is it just a kiss on a forehead that genuinely means I like you so much that I even want to kiss you on the forehead. What does it mean? It’s so confusing… I can’t stop thinking about what was behind it. Does he do that will all girls? Does he like to cuddle with all girls? And kiss them on the forehead?
Also at the party he held me around my waist… He held my hand… Which isn’t the first time he’s done it either… I am just stuck with the thought of: “Does he do this with everyone? Or does it mean something?”

I’m almost sure he hasn’t said ‘I’m not going to wait forever’ to all girls, in my situation he was referring to the fact that he had (apparently) been waiting for 2 years and wasn’t going to wait forever…

I can’t figure out what the deal is with this guy… I can’t figure out what’s real and what isn’t. What he feels… I don’t even know who he is really… I want to know though. He’s caught my attention that’s for sure.

I hate that actually… Maybe that’s what makes me shake my head when it comes to him. That I hate the fact that I like him…

Anyway… I can’t stop thinking about him… I’ve thought of him all day today. Gosh. I feel so stupid. I don’t feel like I’m in love as such, it’s not all bubbly and like that. It’s more like lust… That’s what it is. I picture myself undressing him and doing naughty things. I can’t help it.

I have not had sex in so long, it’s killing me. I never thought I’d say that – but it’s true and I can’t run from that fact. I always thought that guys were the only ones that couldn’t ‘live without it’. Boy was I wrong. What a little oblivious virgin I was.

Although I am not a virgin now… I almost feel like one. I’ve only had sex with one guy which is my ex (who by the was also the only actual boyfriend I’ve ever had)… Gosh it makes me feel so inexperienced, which I also am… I have so much coming for me.

Either way, I keep thinking that it will be a virgin experience the next time I have sex. It scares me. Mainly because I KNOW it will be a virgin experience…

How do I know? Because the only guy I have had sex with had a small penis. Yes I said it. It was small. At first that didn’t bother me because I was in love and etc etc.

After a while I realized I wasn’t satisfied. I couldn’t feel enough. I wanted it to go deeper – but obviously that was physically impossible…

Anyhow … Due to this reason and the matter of fact that I haven’t had sex for ages I now realize that I will have to deal with yet another virgin encounter when I have sex with a second person.

I was supposed to get a check up this summer… I didn’t. The doctor tried but it wasn’t possible it was painful and she decided not to do it – also because she just checked with her fingers and said everything seemed fine. Although she did say at some point I had to get it done whether it was painful or not…

So yes. I am scared of the thought of having sex actually.

I want it so bad. I really really do. But at the same time I know it will hurt the ‘first time’ I have sex with a second person. How awkward will that be..? I don’t know… I just know the thought of it makes me feel … Like such a virgin.

Now there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. I just feel like it’s one of the things about me that makes me feel, seem and look so innocent, like I’m so young. I find it being really annoying… I’m not sure why exactly it bothers me so much…

There was a time where I thought the number meant everything. The amount of guys a woman has slept with. I used to think that I should never have sex with ‘too many’. Maximum of 3 all my life is what I told myself.

Now I just think it’s ridiculous. I’m so over that. I don’t think it matters anymore. If you don’t try different people you wont learn, you wont know what you really like and don’t like etc.

It’s like kissing. I’ve kissed many. If I hadn’t I would’ve never known what types of kissing there are out there. Trust me I’ve tried good and bad…

As far as bad goes, I think I’ve had the worst:

‘The facial cleanse’: when a guy thinks his kissing skills are awesome so he just goes all in. The tongue is all over your face – quite literally. I had to wipe my face afterwards. I was traumatized. I never thought I’d kiss anyone again. I was literally soaked around my mouth. Just nasty.

‘The face raper’:  a guy who feels himself way too much. So self-absorbed and cocky. Thinks all girls want him so he decides you too do. He walks up to you and tries to kiss you and although you dodge… He somehow corners you up against a wall and literally rapes your face with his – not to mention your mouth with his. This one is fierce and aggressive. When he’s done your face will feel raped.

‘The choker’: (unfortunately this is not the necklace kind…) A guy who doesn’t know what French kissing is. He just knows it has something to do with 2 mouths and tongues. So he decides to lick your palate and throat clean with his tongue. He won’t give you a single minute or pause, you’ll slowly feel the lack of air and suffocation.

Wow that got off track… My point being you need to try different people and thereby styles. It only makes you more experienced and makes it easier to find out what we’re actually looking for… So I am not that obsessed with numbers anymore.

Sex is good. Sex is natural.

I’m not going to let loose and have sex with a s**t load of people. As far as one-night stands go these are completely out of the question for me… But I just won’t have such a closed mind about sex as I have had in the past.

It’s okay to have sex if you really want to. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. You don’t need to judge yourself either, everyone around you most likely love to do that for you. Hopefully those aren’t people that matter and are close to you. If so, get rid of them, there should only be room for those who love you like you are.

As Marilyn Monroe said it: sex is a part of nature and so are we.

“Don’t cry beca…

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
– Dr. Seuss

It’s funny how I’ve been so down lately… My thoughts were going to and fro all the time. I was in constant conflict with myself, doubtful and on the horns of a dilemma… 

I can’t believe I’ve gone for so long feeling like that and having my head full of so many unnecessary thoughts. I can’t believe I’ve been walking around with the same problems and thoughts for 2 years straight… 

I’ve felt so freed these last couple of days. So liberated. Just happy… My mind has been sort of cleared. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 
I’ve learned one valuable lesson though: always do what feels right for you. I’m not a heartless or selfish person, so putting myself first hasn’t been my thing… 
But lately I’ve realized that there is no other way. I have to think of myself, how I feel… I’ve stayed in a relationship for 2 years too long because I was thinking of his feelings, how he would feel. It’s just not right… 

In the end, if he’s happy and I’m unhappy, well then it can be questioned whether or not he really is happy? Fake happiness isn’t happiness… 
I realize that now… I see that the other persons happiness really relies on my happiness as well. If I’m not happy the other person can never be truly happy either. If I fake it I end up hurting that person more … Now he doesn’t know this. He doesn’t know that I’ve been feeling so strongly about this for 2 years… I don’t plan on telling him either, no need to hurt him for no reason… 

Anyway I just feel so much ‘lighter’ these days. A serious weight has been lifted and I feel happy and alive. 

I’m not going to lie, it’s nice to have a partner, someone to spend time with. Cuddling, kissing and just having someone by your side… But it needs to feel 100% right… Otherwise there is no point. Then you’re just using the other person, in the end if you really care and love them you will let go of them – because they deserve better… 
So here I am today. 

I feel better because I am no longer ‘lying’ to someone I care about. I’m not deceiving them and I’m making sure they get the opportunity to go and find the love they deserve… 
At the same time I also get to go search for this… 

Rome wasn’t build in a day. Life wasn’t supposed to be easy (what would be the fun in that??).  There’s a time for everything. My time right now is to enjoy myself. 
… But I do hope I’ll find that one person one day, who will just sweep me off my feet and have me in his arms forever because my knees will be too soft to stand on my own… 

5 AM – need I say more?

Got home at 5AM… Yes I had an awesome night! We went to a new place and we just danced till we couldn’t anymore. I literally couldn’t. So painful for my feet. Danced in heels (that aren’t comfy) for 3 hours straight I think… Pretty crazy. BUT – I loved it! 
Had a hard time walking even when I left the club and changed my shoes to flat ones… Pain. But worth it. 

I cannot believe I haven’t gone out in so long. It made me feel old that I hadn’t. I feel so young and alive now, is that silly? 

… Anyway I drank alcohol which was the 2nd time this year. First time was in Thailand at a halfmoon party – but thats a different story. To go back to the drinking part. Drinking alcohol isn’t a big deal as such I am aware. But being a fitness and health freak these days means that alcohol suddenly does become a big deal. 
As we were going from my friend’s place to town (quite a way) I started to sober up. So most of the time at the club I was in fact sober and yet I still had an amazing time. I have to say I wasn’t quite sure that was possible, glad I proved myself wrong! 
Point being: I don’t need alcohol anymore. That shit is overrated. 1. tastes like shit, 2. makes you feel like shit the day after, 3. just isn’t good for you health and fitness wise. 
I’m just surprised and happy that I had fun although I wasn’t drunk. Usually I have a hard time loosening up and dancing unless Im a little tipsy… I think I’ll go out again next weekend and not have a drink of any kind (unless its water :p ) … And I’ll see how that goes. 

I don’t regret drinking tonight because I’ve been very stressed lately and I do honestly feel like the bit of alcohol I had today has helped me loosen up a bit. 

Yes I am writing this a little past 5 AM … Not sure why. I’m just not ready for bed just yet – and Im feeling pumped ! 
Hope I don’t feel too shitty when I wake up. 😀

…At the club I did get a lot of attention from several guys. It did feel great, made me feel good about myself… Self-esteem is a problem for me, so it’s definitely an area that calls for improvement. 

Right now I’m just feeling happy. I love to dance and I love music and it was just great. I haven’t been out in so long. I haven’t lived since … forever really. But I’m ready for it all now. 

Whatever life throws at me… I’ll take it. Like Barney Stinson usually says: “Challenge accepted.” 
That’s how I feel these days 🙂