Staying Safe isn’t living…

“(…)Always staying safe can prevent us from experiencing all of what life has to offer. If you never take risks you don’t really get a chance to live at all, and whats the fun in that?” – Carrie Bradshaw…

I posted this quote earlier today, heard it yesterday when I was watching the Carrie Diaries. It’s so obvious and yet so very true! 

At the moment I am going through a crisis… Or complication is perhaps a better word for it? Either way there’s guy trouble around the corner. Every time I even think about it my ears start to flush, they get all red and burning hot! I read that it can be caused by stress – and Im pretty sure that’s it.

Anyway the issue is that I have a boyfriend who isn’t really my boyfriend anymore but yet sort of still is. Confusing right? The matter of fact is that I am no longer interested in being in this relationship and I’ve indirectly told him that and hinted that we need to talk. His reaction to it was to say I know what you’re going to say but let’s not talk about it just yet. Why? Because I have exams and that sort… Or was that really why? He keeps saying that he’s not feeling good, he’s blue, winter depressed, well pretty much just down. He said that he wasn’t ready to talk yet because he’s not feeling too great… So I thought okay I’ll give him a little time then. I thought a day.. Or two.. Or three… But seriously! Its almost been a week already and I feel weird. We see each other every day, not to hang out but to work out… And quite frankly its getting a little weird for me. I love him, I do. He’s an important person to me, we practically grew out of “teenage-hood” together and we’ve been together for 3 and a half years now… But thats not the thing that bothers me. What bothers me is that I dont get it? If he knows what the talk will be about, if he knows we’re going to break up, well then haven’t we sort of already done so? I mean what difference does it make to make it official or not? We can still be friends, no big changes need to happen, although SOME changes do need to happen… I just need it to be a closed chapter. I need it to be out there and done… 

Now… How is this guy trouble? Well lets just say there’s another guy… Im not planning on getting committed any time soon again… No no, I want to be free and have my freedom. I want to be single and young and just live my life just for me… But, thats not the important part… The important thing is that I’ve felt physically attracted to this guy every since I met him, which was 2 years ago… But nothing was going on between us. When he found out about my relationship coming to an end he sort of said that he’s been waiting for 2 years… Now this guy is a real complicated person, to me at least, I have no idea what to believe and what’s genuinely true and whats not… But … For some reason I do believe he has waited for me to be single the last 2 years because every time I saw him he would always ask: “are you still with that guy?”… Either way Im not going to lie… This thing is something I want to explore. Why not? Im just in the mood to live and do what I want… The complication: I CANT. Why? Because I haven’t officially broken up with my boyfriend, who I don’t even feel is my boyfriend… I cant just go around and do as I please when its not officially over… 

Let’s just say Im confused and yet determined. Lets go back to the Carrie quote… I dont want to live safe anymore and Im ready to take risks and chances and Im more than ready to finally LIVE. It has taken me very long to get to this point… 

2 years ago I wanted to leave my boyfriend because I wasn’t feeling it anymore, but I decided to stay safe and give it time… Here I am 2 years later and I still feel the same, but today Im ready to live. Im ready to take the risk of loosing a friend, Im ready to take the risk of being heartbroken and ready to take the risk of feeling loneliness… Its NOT the end of the world, its just LIFE… 

Im too young to live safe. If I was 30+ and looking for marriage and kids this would be the way to go. But Im not… I still have a lot more to see, experience and learn. And Im finally ready for all of it! Sometimes things take time and so does realization, but better late than never… Right?

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