Flashback: meeting again

I’ll be honest I’ve meet with ‘the other guy’ recently… And although I haven’t officially broken up with my boyfriend yet… I just felt like this was a chance I couldn’t let pass, or rather didn’t want to… We were at a party, we got to talk and I said that my relationship was kind of over and all of that… Before I knew it he was holding my hand and didn’t let me out of his sight. He held me around my waist and he didn’t let go of me. We talked.

“Let’s just leave” he suggested.

“Well… Where do you want to go?.” I asked confused. 

“I don’t know… We could go to my place? I live near here.”

“Oh I don’t know… Nothing can happen between us. Not yet.”

“Okay well nothing needs to happen. We can just chill.” He said with a smile.

“Yeah okay we can do that.”

In the back of my mind I was thinking… Just chill, yeah right… Something will go down, just not sex that’s for sure…
As we walked from the venue, we talked a little. A conversation we had already started before we left the party. About whether or not he was a player. Or I was?

I don’t see myself as a player. I don’t play with people’s feelings and I try to keep my distance if I feel someone is falling for me and the feelings aren’t returned. But I wont lie, I like to flirt. Actually I love it, it makes you feel alive and good about yourself. And flirting never hurt anybody, right?

“I’m a good guy.”

“I don’t know. I’ve heard else wise” I said with uncertainty.

“Who’s said that I’m not?” he questioned curiously.

“Oh I don’t know, I just heard things.” 

“Did you ask S*?” 

“No I haven’t asked her. But just others… I don’t know. I just think you’re a player.” 

“Well. I’m not. You don’t know me.” he said a little defensive 

“You’re right, I don’t.” I confessed.

“How about yourself? Are you still a player?” he laughed.

“What? I never was?!” 

“But you like to play with guys?” he said, like he was talking about me and him.

“No I don’t…”

“Well playing with me won’t get you anywhere. I’m not that kind of guy.” he stated confidently. 

… Truth is that earlier that evening a girl said to me, “He’s so full of himself. Urgh. Stay away from him.” I just thought wow I didn’t even say anything about him, yet because he was standing there she said that… Maybe he comes off like that when it comes to girls he’s not interested in? I’m not sure… But previously I’ve also heard about how he’s had a threesome and other dirt. When it comes to sex  I’m not THAT experienced… So sex to me can be a little… Special and embarrassing to talk about from time to time.

Anyway I know he’s been around and it scares me a little… Although it’s perfectly normal for a guy his age… And I’m actually the ‘abnormal’ one…

“You’ve been with lots of girls.” I questioned.

“Yes that’s true… But only because I haven’t found that one girl that I actually want to spend time with.”

Well that gave me something to think about… Maybe he wasn’t a player? He was just picky? He was perhaps trying all types but none were to his liking? Who knows…

“So you’re just picky? Well… It’s okay to be picky.” I stated. 

“You’re clearly not.” he said whilst laughing. 

“What’s that supposed to mean? I am in fact quite picky.” 

“I just don’t get it. How can someone like you be with someone like him?” 

“Because of his personality. He’s very kind.” 

“But you’ve turned into a woman now and he’s still just a boy.”

Yes… That is partially also the reason why my relationship can no longer function either. I’m turned off – for good when it comes to my ‘boyfriend’. And the comment about how someone like me can be with someone like him, trust me… I’ve heard it a few too many times throughout this relationship. I’m sure he thinks it himself too, which is why it’s so much harder for him to let go… But going back to that evening… 

We got a cab and didn’t talk much till we got to his place (because I don’t like to have a private conversation with someone eavesdropping) . When we got there he put on some music and got me a glass of water. We just sat there and talked a bit… And then he came closer… And he kissed my neck and my cheek, his lips brushed against mine but I was avoiding kissing. They kept touching and brushing against each other, I tried to not do it… But then it happened. We kissed.

This probably isn’t the biggest deal in the world… And it wasn’t so much the kiss as it was the fact that I had sort of just cheated? But then again not really. I feel very strongly about cheating. I think it’s the worst and should never happen… And yet I had not only gone home with a guy but I had exchanged saliva with him… Oh god who is this person?

I felt like I was doing something I shouldn’t. Kept picturing my boyfriends face and how much this would kill and hurt him. But then I thought of myself, how I didn’t even feel like we were actually together anymore.
How I didn’t feel that guilty after all… I couldn’t let the opportunity go. This was something I had to explore and so I for once chose to do so.

I was sitting on his lap on the couch. He was looking at me. We ended up somehow back to the talk about me and my boyfriend.
“What? You don’t think I’m going to leave this time?” I asked.
“No” he said shaking his head.
“Well this time it’s for real. I can’t stay anymore. I’ve already given it too much time.” I tried to reassure him. 
“Okay, well if you really mean it then kiss me right now…” 

And so I did. He lifted me up and carried me to his bed.

We laid in bed cuddling and spooning and kissing… Although he was very turned on and wanted more, I wasn’t going to let him have it…

I kept looking at him and shaking my head.
“Why do you keep shaking your head and looking at me like that?” he asked.

“…Eh… I don’t know…” I answered embarrassed and confused. 

Truth was, I wasn’t sure why… I couldn’t stop doing it either. I must’ve done it at least three times. Thinking about it now… I think I was shaking my head because this guy was making me do things I never thought I would, because this guy had swept me off my feet 2 years ago… And I had been thinking of this moment ever since. I think that’s why I was shaking my head? Perhaps it was in disbelief.

He was hungry. So he made himself a bite, I wasn’t so I just had another glass of water.

“You look so critical.”

“Oh…” I laughed.

“You’re very hard to read. It’s hard to get to know you.”

“Yeah well… I cant do anything about that, that’s just how I am.”

 .. And we talked a little more and I said I think it’s time for me to leave. I’m very tired. And so was he. It was 5AM, the time I usually get OUT of bed and not in it… I was exhausted and needed to get home. So we kissed and I said bye and left. 

 

I may be in doubt about a lot of things… But all I know is that 2 years ago the feelings I had for him were different. They were bubblier and gave me butterflies and sort of made me float on a magical pink cloud… But now, although it was still exciting and I want to see what this can lead to… I’m not sure it’s all that interesting and exciting as I hoped and thought it would be. Maybe I’ve thought about it for too long? Maybe the idea just took a life of its own and became something it never was… I’m not sure.
What I do know is that the old me would’ve stopped this thing now and said screw it, I don’t want to get involved in something risky…
Now I’m ignoring that voice and saying what happens happens. I’ll see where this goes. In the end it’ll teach me something of some kind that’s for sure, whether good or bad, my box of experiences needs to be filled up more anyway…

 

I just know one thing for sure, I can’t meet with him again before my relationship is officially done. Facebook done too…
Quite honestly I can’t wait for that moment. I’ve been my own prisoner for so long I’m ready to be freed. 

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