“Sex is part of…

“Sex is part of nature. I go along with nature.”
– Marilyn Monroe


I keep thinking back. Thinking back at the French kissing. How we weren’t “ in sync”… It annoys me! … I want to do it again just to do it right… I’ve only been used to one kind of French kissing, which is apparently what is referred to as ‘the propeller’ … That cracks me up lol. But that’s not what’s important. I feel like a fool! I just want to do it again, do it right. Isn’t it weird how much this bothers me? I’m not normal… *Giggles*

I think back at how he kissed my neck, my cheek… And again… How our noses touched so lightly, how his lips brushed against mine. How we smiled and teased. Then we kissed.

How we cuddled and kissed… How he was holding me. How he kissed my forehead 2 times in a row when we were lying in bed and he had his arms wrapped around me… I keep thinking about that… What did the kiss on the forehead mean? It is supposed to symbolize love… These days everyone knows that’s what its supposed to mean, so has it become a way of saying ‘I really like you’ without actually saying it? Or is it just a kiss on a forehead that genuinely means I like you so much that I even want to kiss you on the forehead. What does it mean? It’s so confusing… I can’t stop thinking about what was behind it. Does he do that will all girls? Does he like to cuddle with all girls? And kiss them on the forehead?
Also at the party he held me around my waist… He held my hand… Which isn’t the first time he’s done it either… I am just stuck with the thought of: “Does he do this with everyone? Or does it mean something?”

I’m almost sure he hasn’t said ‘I’m not going to wait forever’ to all girls, in my situation he was referring to the fact that he had (apparently) been waiting for 2 years and wasn’t going to wait forever…

I can’t figure out what the deal is with this guy… I can’t figure out what’s real and what isn’t. What he feels… I don’t even know who he is really… I want to know though. He’s caught my attention that’s for sure.

I hate that actually… Maybe that’s what makes me shake my head when it comes to him. That I hate the fact that I like him…

Anyway… I can’t stop thinking about him… I’ve thought of him all day today. Gosh. I feel so stupid. I don’t feel like I’m in love as such, it’s not all bubbly and like that. It’s more like lust… That’s what it is. I picture myself undressing him and doing naughty things. I can’t help it.

I have not had sex in so long, it’s killing me. I never thought I’d say that – but it’s true and I can’t run from that fact. I always thought that guys were the only ones that couldn’t ‘live without it’. Boy was I wrong. What a little oblivious virgin I was.

Although I am not a virgin now… I almost feel like one. I’ve only had sex with one guy which is my ex (who by the was also the only actual boyfriend I’ve ever had)… Gosh it makes me feel so inexperienced, which I also am… I have so much coming for me.

Either way, I keep thinking that it will be a virgin experience the next time I have sex. It scares me. Mainly because I KNOW it will be a virgin experience…

How do I know? Because the only guy I have had sex with had a small penis. Yes I said it. It was small. At first that didn’t bother me because I was in love and etc etc.

After a while I realized I wasn’t satisfied. I couldn’t feel enough. I wanted it to go deeper – but obviously that was physically impossible…

Anyhow … Due to this reason and the matter of fact that I haven’t had sex for ages I now realize that I will have to deal with yet another virgin encounter when I have sex with a second person.

I was supposed to get a check up this summer… I didn’t. The doctor tried but it wasn’t possible it was painful and she decided not to do it – also because she just checked with her fingers and said everything seemed fine. Although she did say at some point I had to get it done whether it was painful or not…

So yes. I am scared of the thought of having sex actually.

I want it so bad. I really really do. But at the same time I know it will hurt the ‘first time’ I have sex with a second person. How awkward will that be..? I don’t know… I just know the thought of it makes me feel … Like such a virgin.

Now there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. I just feel like it’s one of the things about me that makes me feel, seem and look so innocent, like I’m so young. I find it being really annoying… I’m not sure why exactly it bothers me so much…

There was a time where I thought the number meant everything. The amount of guys a woman has slept with. I used to think that I should never have sex with ‘too many’. Maximum of 3 all my life is what I told myself.

Now I just think it’s ridiculous. I’m so over that. I don’t think it matters anymore. If you don’t try different people you wont learn, you wont know what you really like and don’t like etc.

It’s like kissing. I’ve kissed many. If I hadn’t I would’ve never known what types of kissing there are out there. Trust me I’ve tried good and bad…

As far as bad goes, I think I’ve had the worst:

‘The facial cleanse’: when a guy thinks his kissing skills are awesome so he just goes all in. The tongue is all over your face – quite literally. I had to wipe my face afterwards. I was traumatized. I never thought I’d kiss anyone again. I was literally soaked around my mouth. Just nasty.

‘The face raper’:  a guy who feels himself way too much. So self-absorbed and cocky. Thinks all girls want him so he decides you too do. He walks up to you and tries to kiss you and although you dodge… He somehow corners you up against a wall and literally rapes your face with his – not to mention your mouth with his. This one is fierce and aggressive. When he’s done your face will feel raped.

‘The choker’: (unfortunately this is not the necklace kind…) A guy who doesn’t know what French kissing is. He just knows it has something to do with 2 mouths and tongues. So he decides to lick your palate and throat clean with his tongue. He won’t give you a single minute or pause, you’ll slowly feel the lack of air and suffocation.

Wow that got off track… My point being you need to try different people and thereby styles. It only makes you more experienced and makes it easier to find out what we’re actually looking for… So I am not that obsessed with numbers anymore.

Sex is good. Sex is natural.

I’m not going to let loose and have sex with a s**t load of people. As far as one-night stands go these are completely out of the question for me… But I just won’t have such a closed mind about sex as I have had in the past.

It’s okay to have sex if you really want to. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. You don’t need to judge yourself either, everyone around you most likely love to do that for you. Hopefully those aren’t people that matter and are close to you. If so, get rid of them, there should only be room for those who love you like you are.

As Marilyn Monroe said it: sex is a part of nature and so are we.


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