“Quitters never…

“Quitters never win. Winners never quit.”
– Vince Lombardi

I keep reading everywhere that exes can’t be friends. I do realize that it’s not optimal… Nor is it realistic that me and my ex will keep being friends forever. I just thinking cutting it all off at once is too extreme. He needs the time to heal before letting go completely, quite frankly so do I.

We still see each other almost every morning to work out. But that’s it. We don’t really text throughout the day as we have in the past nor do we spend time together in the weekends. We don’t spend time together other than in the gym. Training together is really not intimate or anything in any way. We’re just there to make sure we do everything right and to push each other – we’re just training partners.
I also did read that a relationship between opposite sexes which doesn’t include intimacy (sex) isn’t really a relationship but more of a friendship… Which is also one of the reasons why I don’t think its terribly awkward or wrong for us to be friends, we’ve basically been that for so long now anyway…

I was texting him to figure out what time we’re supposed to meet tomorrow… Oh the irony… My phone then freezes (was in my inbox) and as weird as it is… It acts up and the only name out of all the messages in my inbox that doesn’t show is his… I know it’s probably just a coincidence – most likely because he was the last I texted before it froze… But still… The irony …
As if the universe is telling me that its time to just let go. 

Honestly, I don’t think I’m completely ready to do that just yet… In the end he wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was also my best friend. We really have counted on each other so much. The trust, the bond, the fact that we knew we could count on one another no matter what… It’s hard. It’s so hard to let go. For now I’ll just keep him as my training partner. I think it would be too much of a change to cut that out too…

 

I had a meltdown yesterday, Sunday, I’ve been so determined not to grieve that I’ve suppressed my feelings…  Yesterday I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I was home alone the whole day… Normally if I’d have him there… But I didn’t. I was all alone. Had nothing to do and was feeling down. Right before it was bedtime for me I just broke down. I started to sob and cry my eyes out. Quite literally … I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t get more than 5 hours of sleep or so. I woke up today and my eyes were so swollen… But the good thing is that it made me feel so much better. I haven’t cried in so long, I really needed to.

It felt nice to just let it all out, allow myself to be sad… Allow myself to be sad about being lonely… I felt the loneliness and I am heartbroken. Heartbroken that I’m alone. Heartbroken that it didn’t work out the way I wish. Heartbroken that I knew I had lost my friend even though we still train together. I’ve lost my best friend. The only person in the world I trusted with my life 100%, the only person I’ve ever been myself around 100% because I felt that comfortable… It’s heartbreaking to know you have to let it all go, that it’s not there anymore. Yes, maybe it will come again some day with someone… But right now it’s not.
My heart was aching. I felt so lonely. Loneliness is a god-awful feeling. I felt bad from the alcohol the day before as well… Alcohol always makes me nauseous no matter the amount; I didn’t even have a lot to drink… Besides that it always makes me sad and depressed the day after, so I conclude… No alcohol for me! If ever, only a glass of something for the sake of socializing…

Oh life.  Life is tough on us.
I’ve been running from these feelings for a long time. It’s time to just face them and take the pain.
No pain no gain. That goes for fitness as well as life. 
If you avoid pain you won’t gain any experience. You won’t become smarter, stronger etc.
Running never solves anything. It only makes you miserable and at unease.

It’s time for me to grow up completely. I need to face my fears one at a time. I’ve made myself that promise. I won’t let myself down and I never quit.

As the quote says it …
“Quitters never win. Winners never quit.” 

That’s me. I never quit. I’m too stubborn and determined to do so… 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s