Is it okay for a woman to ask a man out?

… I’ve wondered about this quite a lot lately.

I tried searching the net… What I found was that most guys say they find it attractive or that they take it as a compliment and that they don’t mind at all. Most females think it’s a serious no go.
I stumbled across a video where the lady said: ‘go ahead and do it’ and she said that especially attractive guys are used to being chased and probably expect that the female makes the move.

Now … I’ve wondered if a guy could be scared to ask a woman out? Most of the results say that it’s most likely the ‘he’s just not that into you’ thing than it’s being scared… I’m just thinking, guys are like us gals? I mean what’s keeping me from asking a guy is fear, scared of being rejected, so why wouldn’t that be the case with a guy?

… Now most of the things you find online is about people who’ve been flirting and are then wondering why the guy hasn’t asked them out.

Well… I’m pretty sure the guy I’m thinking about, called him Matt in my last post, is interested in me and attracted to me. Now whether or not he’s looking for a relationship… I’m not sure. Though I’m not looking for one myself either. You never know what could happen though…

Anyway last post I mentioned how we don’t have the possibility of having sex/hanging at his place anymore… Now, I don’t want to wait too long to see him. Even though we can’t have sex, I still want to hang out with him … Is that weird? … Anyway…

Blabla, when talking about how we couldn’t hang at his place anymore (for now), I said ‘what to do then’ he replied ‘good question’ …

He didn’t make the suggestion of hanging out somewhere in public… I’m not sure if it was because he wanted me to make the suggestion or if it’s because he doesn’t want to… Also he doesn’t contact me much. I therefore don’t either… Last time I had contact with him was sort of 2 weeks ago. If you don’t count snapchat – and that’s me sending snaps and never receiving any. Yes… Sounds pretty pathetic doesn’t it? I mean … I’m not sure what the deal is. When I’m with him he’s so different than when we’re texting or apart. It’s so weird. I can’t read him. I think he might be like me… Holding back, protecting myself (and he, himself)… But then again I can’t stop thinking that ‘he’s the guy’ … And that if he really wants something he would go after it, right?

But then again… I could turn that and say the same about myself – and I haven’t even made ‘a move’ yet … So I don’t know. I’m just super confused… And in doubt about whether or not I should just go ahead and ask him out?
But then I think… What if he hasn’t asked me out because he’s not interested in that? Or what if he rejects me? How should I ask him out? Will he think I’m desperate?

Am I over-thinking this?

I feel like he likes me a lot when I’m around him… At the same time I also know that he has this idea in this head that I’m a player. That I play with guys’ feelings… I don’t think he trusts me. I don’t trust him either. I think we both have the same picture of one another… And I think we’re both holding back because we don’t wanna put out too much too fast and risk rejection or hurt. I think he has a fear of me perhaps still being or going back to my ex… But that’s just what I think…

So that’s why I’m not sure whether or not I should be the one to initiate and just ask him out.

It’s a dilemma… Because I’m in doubt about whether or not he’s not interested in taking our thing to another kind of ‘level’ or whatever you should call it or whether or not he’s waiting for me to tell him I WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOU…

I’m scared I might have fallen a little for this fool. Or maybe it’s because he’s giving me a hard time? I’m not sure. I just know not many – if any really.. can get my attention and have me interested, good-looking or not.. And he has somehow managed to do so… I think it’s because he’s not all over me (like I’m used to) it’s driving me crazy. Is he playing the game on me like most women do to guys? … Gosh I’m in such a ‘bad place’ I have no idea if he doesn’t give a crap or if he thinks of me as I do of him… I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think of him?… He’s definitely gotten to me. No doubt. First one to ever get to me like this…

Oh gee … I don’t know what to do… What do you think?


Oh girls just wanna have …. sex?

Remember that I said waiting till next week to have sex was a long ass time (around that time it would make it around 3 weeks total without sex)?… I guess I’ll take that back. That guy… Let us call him Matt (fictional 😉 ) … Anyway… Matt is/was living in a temporary apartment because the apartment he was living in (with his room mate ‘John’) was sold. He had to find a place to live so he lived in his friends apartment temporarily for about 6 months I think. His friend was traveling so he had the apartment to himself. Now… His friend is back home and he has to find a place to live, he’s moving out in a week and since his friend is home I can’t really come by … He’s moving to another temporary location until he gets his own apartment (God knows when that’ll be – I hope SOON)… Anyway, he’s moving in with his sister till he gets his own… His sister. Again this means I can’t come over. WHAT TO DO? I live in my moms apartment, although I sort of live here alone (because my family are living in the house atm- long story) I don’t feel like I can 1) have sex in my moms home 2) my bedroom is too small 3) my bed is sort of too small for me and since he’s so much larger and taller than I – that’s gonna be a problem (no it’s not a children’s bed, its a sofa bed and yes I was disappointed when I got it – its made for people that are maybe 5’3 or something) 4) what if my mom all of a sudden comes by?

So yea… DILEMMA. This sucks so bad. I guess I’ll have to be patient. If I’m not… Well then I might just consider having him come by my place. But then again… I’m not sure I want him to see my place, sort of like he’ll see a private side of me… Also, what if he wants to stay and sleep over? Well 1) my bed is too small 2) I don’t feel like hosting .. Another thing that just popped into my mind, how weird will it be to have sex and then for him to leave? I’ve never tried that. Everytime we’ve met I’ve slept over, which seems natural… I’m not sure.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. We could be talking 1+ months here… I don’t want him to have sex with someone else, although I can’t tell if he does that anyway… But I don’t want it to be that long till I see him again.

Should I ask him out? Would that be weird? I mean … I want to see him and get to know him a little better… But I’m not sure that I really want to date date him. I don’t think I want a boyfriend anytime soon…

I have no idea what to do. I just want to have sex. I’m eager to learn. Eager to have exciting sex. The sex before him wasn’t all that exciting. I think it’s the size and the fact that he’s so experienced. It’s sort of like going from a regular pair of hells to Christian Louboutin’s – although they’re both a pair of heels the Louboutin’s are just more exciting (in case you’re wondering – yes, I love shoes).

I just love this picture… 


Sort of sums everything up … 😛

Oh well… I guess I’ll just have to figure out what to do!  Until then lets just say I’m glad I ordered that vibrator yesterday – It’ll be in my hands by tuesday…

“Disconnect fro…

“Disconnect from the past to have a future”
– Yogi tea

I love yogi tea. Well 1) the tea is great and 2) I love the little ‘wise’ words that come along. 

My tea today had the above mentioned quote on it. So true. You can’t move on if you live in the past. So the past needs to stay the past in order to create a future. 

I think I have some work to do. I need to work on myself. Leave the past behind me ‘disconnect’ from it. 

It can be hard being single at times but WTH it’s not unbearable or life-threatening… Being single is not nice all the time but it sure as hell isn’t the end of the world either.

Either way I feel like I need an escape these days. Just wander off to a beautiful place in the world and do what ever I feel like doing. Which at the moment is to not study and not freeze, no work, no ‘routine’… Just live life. If only I was that rich, huh. 😛 
I can only dream though… Because unfortunately reality is not that beautiful and easy. 

Oh well. Dreams are better than nothing. What would we be without them? 

sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, SEX

The ‘word’ is that guys think of sex all day long. 
Newsflash. So do I. 

I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s on my mind all the time. All I want to do is have sex. I want to have great sex. I want to experience amazing sex. I want to get an orgasm. I want to get a vibrator and try that. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m supposed to study. Days have passed and I still haven’t got my shit together to read the stuff I should. Instead I’ve been reading about sex. 

I’m getting my period so there’s no way I’ll be (physically) able to have sex until next week. God. That is a long ass time. 

My thoughts all day go on different sex positions, vibrators, kinky costumes, sexy lingerie, seduction, lube, flavored lube, fellatio etc. … What have I become?

I’ll tell you. I am ‘desperate’ to have great sex. I didn’t have that in my relationship and I sort of only just found out how much I’ve missed out! I’ve never had an orgasm. Gee. I want that too… HAND ME A VIBRATOR and let’s see what it’s all about!
Im getting greedy … I know. I want it all and lots (except anal – no thanks).

I think a visit to a sex shop soon is more than much needed.

“She wants the D” *giggles* such a stupid phrase that its funny. Yes I want it, now … Give it. Thank you.


Sex is a BIG deal…

No it’s not.

I used to think that it was a big deal, that sex means so much bla bla bla… No it doesn’t. Well not necessarily that is. Sex can mean a lot, but unless there are some serious strong feelings involved … Well then it doesn’t really mean much.

I’m not that experienced when it comes to sex… Or even love and relationships for that matter. I’ve been in love maybe twice, loved someone to death once, had one boyfriend, kissed many and had sex with two. Yes two, my number went from one to two in this new year.
I really thought (and feared) that having sex with a second person would be all that or mean so much to me… I was scared of how I would feel, that I’d get too attached, that I’d get hurt etc. etc. … Reality: none of the above mentioned happened. Actually I didn’t feel anything but sore really. I didn’t feel different or anything… I actually didn’t even care?
The sex wasn’t great, I mean… I do think he knows his stuff and knows how to please a woman… But trouble was… I haven’t had sex in so long and I haven’t had a penis his size. It was a good size, it wasn’t humongous (thank god) but it was sort of just perfect, not too fat and just right in length. BUT I haven’t had a length like that so … It was sort of like a first time experience. It felt so weird. I mean I could feel him so far in, I’ve never felt that before… So it was all very, unfamiliar and new… Again, sort of like a virgin experience. So I wasn’t all that comfortable and couldn’t really enjoy it much. I just let him do his thing.

The weirdest part was when he was inside me and he said “What did he even do?”, referring to my ex-boyfriend and questioning his skills in bed, as he could see I wasn’t too comfortable. I just thought… What? Instead of saying anything I just looked at him with a questioning face and shrugged as in *I dont know?*

Afterwards he said “Did he even know what he was doing? Your exboyfriend, or boyfriend, whatever.” … I was shocked. “What did you say?” I replied. “My boyfriend? Uhmm… No. Ex-boyfriend.” … Was he serious? Did he REALLY think that I would have sex with him if he was still my boyfriend? Or not to mention go down on him like I did the weekend before, or sleep over? Is he stupid? Or is he looking for a confirmation of my status?

I was confused.

He didn’t pay much attention to me during sex. Well not too much though. He tried, but he was just too excited. I needed him to be more gentle, but he couldn’t control himself. I was so distracted by the feeling being so new and because I felt like I had a serious urge to pee, I couldn’t enjoy myself, and I was really just waiting for him to finish quick!

He came. I went and cleaned myself. When I came back he was ready for another round. Oh god, really? I thought to myself. When he finished he laid beside me.  “I guess you’ll have to shower again?” he laughed. I laughed, “I’ll just wipe and shower tomorrow, screw it.”

“Have you ever had an orgasm?” he questioned.
“Nope…” I replied.
“I could feel that. Well we need to change that.” He said confidently
I laughed. “Yea.”


He had to be at work at 9AM… We went to bed around 3 or 4AM … Needless to say, we were tired when the alarm rang. I didn’t feel like getting up, so I told him “I’m not getting up. You can go to work, I’ll just leave later and shut the door.”

He was in the mood. I could feel him from behind as he spooned me. I laughed, he laughed. He got up and got ready for work, he came into the bedroom, kissed me and said “See you.”. “Yea, enjoy work.” I replied.

I laid there for maybe half an hour or an hour, then I got up. Had breakfast, cleaned his bathroom (because I’m obsessive like that) and went off to the gym.

It was saturday. I was meeting up with my best friend later to smoke some shisha (hookah) and cocktails. We met up around 9PM and had a cocktail around 10.30-11PM I think. We went to this relatively new place, it was a little packed when we got there but got even more packed minutes after we arrived. As we sat there and talked about sex and had our drinks, feeling the music and eavesdropping to the conversation the group beside us were having… We decided not to end the night and just go out.

There was this relatively ‘new’ bar/club that had opened and we thought we’d go check it out. We had a few more cocktails there, we danced, it got really hot, so we went outside to get some air and cool down…
Outside we saw my ex’s friends, they were smoking. They weren’t at the same club but the club next door (thank god), we said hi and so on and then we went back in. Random fact: I later found out my ex was there too but he had (luckily) just gone inside a few minutes before we came outside. How awkward would that have been?

Anyway, we had so much fun that night and before we knew it, it was 3.30PM.
We were sitting at a table and 2 guys came and joined. They seemed nice, but not really our types. We talked to them and it was cool and all. A guy walks up to me and says “I just have to introduce you to my friend Freddy here, he’s from South Africa.” I looked at him and thought, oh gee he looks familiar. “My name is not Freddy.” He laughed. “My name is John (fictional 😉 ) “. That name, South Africa…. Something seems familiar.
I couldn’t help myself.
“You seem familiar, I think I’ve seen you before?”
He looked at me and said “I feel like I’ve seen you before too.”
I looked and suddenly it hit me. No, it couldn’t be, could it?
I blurted out, ” *the second guy I’ve had sex with’s name*’s roommate?” I asked.
“Yes! He said. You know him?”
What?? That’s so weird I thought. Conversation went on. (Quick note: They USED to be room mates, not anymore though, they were room mates last year).
He then said “Where did we meet?”
“In your apartment.” I replied.
His face changed, “Oh so have you been with him?”
Shit why is he asking me this, maybe he thought we met right before I had sex with him? No no that wasn’t how it went down.
“Oh no, back then it was because we were all supposed to go out. But then when I came you said you were tired and had to study and so on, so it didn’t happen.”
(Perfect saving – and no lie either! – True story guys, that was how it went down)
“Oh yea, I think I remember that.” He replied.  “It’s weird he has never talked about you before.”
I just smiled and shrugged. Do they still talk? I wondered. Do they talk about these things? Are they close. If so, why hasn’t he mentioned me? Or did he mean back then? Hmm… My thoughts were all over the place (even more on my way home).
We talked some more, I mocked him a bit and he laughed “You know me so well!”, we talked a little more and he said “Can I have your number?”
I laughed, “No, but you can have my Facebook?”.
He looked at me confidently, “No, no, no. Your number. No Facebook or anything like that. Your number.”
He was sweet, but I had just had sex with his old room mate, his friend, 24 hours prior to this conversation. No way. Also… I never give out my number just like that.

“Sorry, but it’s Facebook or nothing.”
He kept trying, but I wouldn’t give in. In the end he gave up.
“Well, it was nice talking to you, I better go find my friends.”
I smiled. “Nice talking to you too, bye.”

When the clock hit 4.30AM we decided it was time to head home.
What a weird weekend I thought. Fun, but weird.

New year, new life, new beginning

Happy new year everyone! 

So once again I am in a state of being confused. Im not sure what to do … 

First of all, I hope you all had a great start to your year and a smooth transition… Let’s just say my first kiss in 2014 was with a gay guy – and I am now quite traumatized by the event! haha. 

Anyway … My confusion. I feel like Im lost in space. I can’t stop thinking about ‘that guy’. Why is he on my mind all the time? Constantly! Am I obsessed? In love? In need of something? Why? 

I hate this feelings. I hate not being in control. I hate that Im alone when all I want to do is cuddle and/or have someone to hang with whenever I want/need to. 

It’s hard to go from being in a relationship for 3.5 years to being single. But I’m dealing with it one step at a time. It’s a new year, a year that calls for a new life and beginning because big changes have been made in my life. 


I’m ready. I’m ready for you 2014. This is my year. This year will be something new – without a doubt. 

One step at a time. One day at a time. One change at a time. 
I’m ready to be who I want to be, I’m ready to do what I want to do, I’m ready to finally live. 
It’s hard, but I will do it, baby steps. 

I’m going to take control of my life and live for me, myself and I. I’m done living for others. 
I deserve to be happy as much as the next person. I need to start putting myself first. 
I need to stop seeing my ex bf as often as I do. Seeing him almost everyday for workouts isn’t healthy – and it’s not ‘normal’… At least I don’t feel that it is. But it’s difficult. I just need to deal with the loss. 

Loneliness is an awful feeling so is grieve and sadness. But if you don’t allow yourself to grieve and get over things – then you’ll never be able to truly move on. I just have to deal with the pain. I just have to face my feelings and reality. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Very cliché but very true. 
We love. We hurt. We learn. We become wiser. We grow.