So many thoughts. So many emotions. Yet empty inside.

I have so many thoughts… Yet none?
It does not make much sense, but it is so.
I think and think.
I have so many things on my mind.
So many thoughts flying around.
So many emotions.
Yet when wanting to express myself….
Nothing.
Plain empty.
No emotions.
No thoughts.
Nothing to share.
No energy or patience to share.
I feel so much… Yet so little?
I feel sad.
I feel disappointed.
I feel excited.
I feel indifferent.
I feel strong.
I feel good.
Yet I feel empty.
I feel nothing.
I am like a robot.
Emotionless.
I feel so much. Yet I feel nothing.
I think about so much. Yet I can’t think of what.
I am a mystery.
Even to myself.
I am a closed book.
A dusty book. Hidden for ages.
It is time for me to open.
Time to be dusted off and read.
Read and understood.
It is time to reveal the mystery.
It is time for me to understand myself.
Know myself.
Be myself.
Love myself.
Express myself.
It is time.

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Expectations – Too high or too low? Be the change you want to see in the world.

Expectations.

It’s something we all have (or at least most of us), whether high or low, whether about ourselves or others… We just can’t seem to avoid them.

We expect certain things from certain people, especially family. Growing up my mothers side of the family were so incredibly important to me. They meant the world to me. My two uncles were my role models, I looked up to them and thought they were the best. In my world they were so awesome and cool. I loved them a lot.

Although much has changed since then, I guess my ‘view’ or feelings so to say, never changed. I had high expectations. Time after time I felt ‘let down’… Time after time the picture I had cracked… My respect lessened every time.

Today I’ve reached the point where I’ve realized it’s all about ‘each to his own’. Seems like family doesn’t mean much anymore to many people. Seems like a lot of people get married and then they only engage with one side of the family. Im super disappointed.

My expectations were high. The world has become a selfish place. Family doesn’t even matter anymore. People only care about themselves. It’s sad. It really is. There’s nothing more special than bonding with family. There’s nothing more special than knowing you have a family you can rely on… There’s nothing greater than having get togethers.
Seems like ‘family’ these days is just another thing to add to the pile of illusions. Seems like it doesn’t exist anymore. Apart from your close family, you might just as well forget it. It’s sad…

My uncles put and have always put their wives families first. It’s sad. It’s unfair and meaningless. No family is more important than the other. In fact one should try to bond all the families instead. I always think that more is better. Although crowded etc. I think it’s nice to be at a gathering of many… Maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m too much of a family person? I don’t know…

I just think as time passes a lot of ‘traditions’ go down the drain… With some it’s fine, with others it’s just a shame.
Things don’t always ‘evolve’ for the better.

The world needs more love.

As blood we should stay together. Family is important. Family is nice. People seem to forget. Isolating yourself sometimes is fine too, but I just think life would have more meaning if there was family bonding. Gatherings are nice. It’s nice to see your family once in a while rather than 1-2 times a year. Especially when you live 30-45 mins apart. It’s stupid…

Not only is that a disappointment and let down to me… But the love of money is too. My mother’s family is really big, she has a lot, A LOT, of siblings… Now what kills me is that money becomes so important when parents die. Why?
How can you be thinking so much about the money? Also… Parent’s belongings belong to all siblings…
The world has become such a greedy place…

I think the world has become a seriously horrendous place. The world is not changing for the better… More like for the worse.

The world needs peace, love and harmony. What has become of us?

There are so many issues to grasp… Within the last year I’ve come to the conclusion that humans are not worthy of this planet. Humans have not made themselves worthy of life on this planet. Humans are awful. Awful to nature, animals and each other.

In fact, I think that humans don’t deserve to live here. Humans deserve to be extinct. Harsh? Yes. But that is my honest opinion.

I know it would mean that even I would have to ‘die’. For the world I would… Seeing all the horrible things animals are put through because of humans… Or how nature is treated… Or for goodness sake, how people treat each other… Seriously. Humans should just be removed from the face of the earth.

… And thats all I have to say for now.

Let’s round it off with wise advice from Ghandi and a viral ‘quote’ – “be the change you want to see in the world”.
Those weren’t his exact words, but it was the message he wanted to get across.

Being in love – what does it feel like?

On movies we’re sold illusions and stories of love – that are quite (too) often far from reality. 
It’s all so sugar sweet and romantic, often the guy is so thoughtful and sweet, and we dream of meeting a guy like that. A guy that would do EVERYTHING for us, no matter what. Well guess what? None of that is real. First of all, if you’re being a bitch – why should the guy do everything for you? You’ve watched too many movies, expecting your little outburst to make him crazy and wonder how he can make it up to you. So you just sit and wait. Then you wonder what went wrong. Does he not love me? Maybe it just wasn’t real love. 
Why should he give in when you won’t? Let’s be real, movie love is overrated. Not only that, love is an individual thing – it’s universal, but the way it’s experienced and felt is not. We all experience and express love in different ways. Love makes us act in different ways. There’s no handbook for how love makes a guy act, or how love makes a woman act. There’s no right or wrong or specific way of behavior or feelings when you’re ‘in love’.

There’s no universal set of rules when it comes to love. 

I sit around now, wondering if I am in love, or am I perhaps just obsessed? Because I always, almost always, succeed and get my way. Sort of. So when I don’t – or at least when I’m not in control of a situation it drives me crazy. So now I wonder, is it love? Or is it just obsession? 

For the sake of fun I decided to google ‘what does it mean to be in love’ and ‘how does it feel to be in love’. A lot of different things come up, all from the cliché movie kind of feels to more ‘realistic’ answers. 
Either way it was insightful, but it didn’t answer my original question: ‘Am I in love or just obsessed?’ 

And the truth is – it can’t answer it. No one else than me and time can answer that question. Once again I repeat, there is no universal set of rules. Love feels different from person to person and love can feel different with different people. 

I’ve experienced different feelings with different people. Now I can look back and say whether I was in love or not, whether it was curiosity or what it was. In the end no one knows you better than yourself – even if you don’t know yourself that well. 

I think I might be a little in love and a little obsessed. I think I might have to let my guards down to know what I’m feeling. It could also just be lust and a little obsession. It could be love that makes me obsessive, and the obsession comes from being possessive? 
And you can go on and on. Only time will tell. 

 

Are you complete?

You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. If you don’t love yourself, why should someone else?

Things I’ve heard and read so many MANY times – they’ve even sort of become cliché. Am I right?

… I guess it’s true though?
Do I love myself? I’m not sure. It is in fact a really difficult question to answer… I do like the person that I am, I like the way I think, my level of intelligence and my skills. I like my hair. Im starting to like my body. I guess my face is okay – I have my days, sometimes I think: ‘Hey, I’m pretty good looking’ other days I’m like: ‘I look like shit. I’m not that pretty.’ … Although people tell me I am pretty, beautiful, hot and whatever – it doesn’t really make a difference to me, because in the end their opinion doesn’t matter and doesn’t influence my mind (I’m very stubborn too). Anyway… So I guess I kinda love myself, but not 100% … My level of self-confidence is pretty low. My level of happiness is … well, low too.

I was having a conversation with someone I know yesterday about happiness. He said he actually doesn’t know anyone who’s truly happy. Why is that? Is happiness just an illusion? Something we strive for? Or is it real? Maybe we don’t experience it because of our expectations…

I think happiness comes from feeling complete. When you don’t feel complete you’ll always be in search of something and when you’re in that state you can never truly be happy.
Me personally, I feel a void, in my life and in myself. I feel empty inside. Something is missing. The big question is just: what?
What is it that’s missing? I have no idea. Reality is I have a list of things that I wish for and WANT to do, but I have no idea what I in fact NEED. I have no idea what it is that’s missing. I’m still in search.
I wonder if I can ever be happy. I strive for perfection – which is an illusion, perfection doesn’t exists. It leads to feeling incomplete and not good enough. It leads to feeling like you’re unsuccessful. Striving for perfection is a wrong way of living. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. Until I accept this fully I won’t be able to move on and figure out what it is that I need to make myself complete. It could be anything and everything. I have no idea. To me, at this very moment, it feels like searching for a needle in a haystack – almost impossible.

I wonder if there are any people that are truly 100% happy with their lives and happy in general.
I wonder if there are people that are complete.
I wonder if true and eternal love exists.
I wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy.
I wonder what the meaning of life is.
I wonder what to do, to find myself.
I wonder how long my journey of figure out myself will take.
I wonder why I am such a mystery – even to myself.
I just generally wonder a lot.

Depression – current state: I Feel Like Shit

Yes. I feel like shit. 

For some reason oral exams bring me down even more. Lately though it’s not only the exams – but just my education in general. I’m sick of hanging in there. I’m not passionate about what I’m studying… And it’s not something that will lead to my ‘dream job’ … So it’s kinda hard to find the motivation… 

I feel really down today. I felt really down yesterday too. I feel bipolar these days. One day I feel like everything is going to be alright and that things are moving for the better… The next I will feel like shit and like everything is meaningless and hopeless… Today is one of the bad days. Very bad days. 

I have an oral exam tomorrow. I can’t and haven’t been able to study … I just don’t want to. It bores me. I don’t want to. I just want to sleep. I want to cry. Then sleep. Just forget everything… Not think, not feel, just sleep. I hate oral exams so much. I just want to pass. I hope I pass tomorrow… 

Today is just not a great day. I feel like life is meaningless if all we have to do is things that we don’t want to do. It’s all meaningless if the things we do don’t make us happy. What’s the point of living a life just because? I know I’m being a total pessimist, but I just can’t help it… This is just how I feel right now. Like everything is meaningless and hopeless, like there’s no meaning in forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to all the time. What’s the point? … I just want to live. Do things I actually want to do. Do things that I truly enjoy. I want to study something that makes me happy. Something that I feel is useful and meaningful to me. Something that I find super interesting… Unfortunately I’ve been studying this for almost 2 years now. I don’t have that much longer to go and then I’m done. So I can’t and won’t quit now… Because then all the suffering will have been meaningless. I just have to suffer a little while longer and then I’m done. Then I can finally start to perhaps study and do things that I want to. Things that I find interesting. 

I’m just sick of everything at the moment. I can’t help it. 

I hate how people tell me that I have no reason to be unhappy. That I’m studying at a prestigious place, I have a family, I look good, I’m intelligent and in good shape and what more could I want… It’s truly annoying and upsetting. Because in the end that’s not what it’s about. It’s not about being unhappy because of things you don’t have. It’s about being unhappy because you just are and you’re not quite sure why. 

What is depression? 
Depression is a complicated thing. It’s not something that’s black and white. Depression isn’t just ‘being sad’ or blue or anything like that. Depression is about feeling truly miserable, sad, feeling like shit, feeling really down, loss of motivation in everything and feeling so much yet so little. Depression is something that isn’t in our control. It’s not an emotion. Depression can trigger emotions, but depression isn’t an emotion. It’s not a state of mind either, it’s a mental disease. It’s something that needs to be cured, whether with drugs because of a chemical imbalance or with professional help to get everything out of your system… 

Depression is hard to understand unless you’ve experienced it. And people who think it’s a simple thing and that the depressed person is in control of their emotions are truly annoying. They may not know it and they may say things because they want to help – but it makes it all so much worse. We don’t need you to tell us what to do to feel better – because nothing you say will help. I’ve tried everything myself, I know myself, I know how it is when I’m depressed. I know that nothing can help directly… 
So stop trying to fix it, because it can’t be fixed, just listen to what we have to say. Let us be and just be there for us. 
The most important thing for me is to know I have people around me who can support me when I need it. It’s important to have someone you can tell how you feel. It’s important that you’re not alone too much… I’m trying to make everything better for myself – so I’ve moved in with my family for a little while… So I won’t be home alone and with exams and everything… 

I know that when depressed you don’t feel like doing anything – but you should push yourself and make yourself attend social events etc. Although it may not feel like it has an effect it actually does, because you’re keeping yourself active and distracted, which is good for you. Sometimes it’s good to just get your mind off of things – even it’s just for an hour. Which is quite difficult if you’re just at home lying in your bed or on the couch watching tv or just lying there. Although it might feel right – it’s not. Though sometimes if you really really don’t feel like anything at ALL then you shouldn’t force yourself. You should just do what you want to do, but just don’t hide (too often)… 

Life is just a mess at times… If only there was a source of motivation… Motivation apples… That would be great, because my motivation is at 30% … 

I need motivation and positivity… Hopefully I’ll have a little more peace after the exam tomorrow. I hope. Fingers crossed for passing. 

 

 

Depression

… Ups & downs occur from time to time. Unfortunately I feel like I have more downs than ups.
Current state: down 

I’ve felt really down in the past while. I went to the doctors and he gave me an antidepressant… I’ve been on it for almost 3 weeks now. Do I feel happier? No … Unfortunately I don’t think this stuff will change anything for me. I might have to go see a psychologist instead. My parents believe thats the way to go as well and that medication isn’t the answer. They believe I have a lot on my heart that needs to come out. I think they’re right to be honest… The problem is just that I don’t feel comfortable with the thought of talking to a stranger. My own view on psychologists is that they’re useless. From what I’ve heard from others too it just confirms my thought. Now I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try it… But I don’t know what it is… It scares me. It scares me a lot. 

I never stop thinking. I think all the time. About everything and anything. I stress out easily. I feel like there isn’t anymore room in my head. I feel unhappy about not being superwoman and able to do 100 things at one time and not get stressed and break down. I know its silly, but I want to be able to do everything I do 100% – but it’s just not possible. I don’t have the energy for it. I don’t have the mental capacity for it. I guess I’m too hard on myself too… I never feel like anything I do is good enough. I never feel like I’m good enough myself. There’s so much I want to do, yet my time goes on things I don’t want to do. The worst thing is I don’t even have a choice, which is something that makes me miserable too. 

Life is so difficult at times. I know I’ll get through this but at this moment I feel broken and empty. I feel so empty inside. So cold. So stressed and anxious. Anxious about exams and my studies and everything really. 
Sad that I don’t have friends that are there for me 110% or even 100%. I need new friends, new girlfriends. My best guy friend has been there as much as he can so I count him as 100% – trouble is he is a friend zone guy. Now that I’m single it seems like he’s gotten his hopes up again … I hate that. 
My best girl friend is just … like she’s always been. She’s super weird. I can never count on her 100% and she’s just not at my level – and I totally accept that… Which is also why I need more and new friends … So I don’t have to hang out with her too much – because she drives me nuts… 

Anyway… Depression is not something that’s new to me. But I’m determined to fight it for good this time. I’ve realized that this is unfortunately not something I can fight off on my own anymore… 

I want to say that I see light at the end of the tunnel… But I don’t… yet.