Depression

… Ups & downs occur from time to time. Unfortunately I feel like I have more downs than ups.
Current state: down 

I’ve felt really down in the past while. I went to the doctors and he gave me an antidepressant… I’ve been on it for almost 3 weeks now. Do I feel happier? No … Unfortunately I don’t think this stuff will change anything for me. I might have to go see a psychologist instead. My parents believe thats the way to go as well and that medication isn’t the answer. They believe I have a lot on my heart that needs to come out. I think they’re right to be honest… The problem is just that I don’t feel comfortable with the thought of talking to a stranger. My own view on psychologists is that they’re useless. From what I’ve heard from others too it just confirms my thought. Now I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try it… But I don’t know what it is… It scares me. It scares me a lot. 

I never stop thinking. I think all the time. About everything and anything. I stress out easily. I feel like there isn’t anymore room in my head. I feel unhappy about not being superwoman and able to do 100 things at one time and not get stressed and break down. I know its silly, but I want to be able to do everything I do 100% – but it’s just not possible. I don’t have the energy for it. I don’t have the mental capacity for it. I guess I’m too hard on myself too… I never feel like anything I do is good enough. I never feel like I’m good enough myself. There’s so much I want to do, yet my time goes on things I don’t want to do. The worst thing is I don’t even have a choice, which is something that makes me miserable too. 

Life is so difficult at times. I know I’ll get through this but at this moment I feel broken and empty. I feel so empty inside. So cold. So stressed and anxious. Anxious about exams and my studies and everything really. 
Sad that I don’t have friends that are there for me 110% or even 100%. I need new friends, new girlfriends. My best guy friend has been there as much as he can so I count him as 100% – trouble is he is a friend zone guy. Now that I’m single it seems like he’s gotten his hopes up again … I hate that. 
My best girl friend is just … like she’s always been. She’s super weird. I can never count on her 100% and she’s just not at my level – and I totally accept that… Which is also why I need more and new friends … So I don’t have to hang out with her too much – because she drives me nuts… 

Anyway… Depression is not something that’s new to me. But I’m determined to fight it for good this time. I’ve realized that this is unfortunately not something I can fight off on my own anymore… 

I want to say that I see light at the end of the tunnel… But I don’t… yet. 

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