Depression – current state: I Feel Like Shit

Yes. I feel like shit. 

For some reason oral exams bring me down even more. Lately though it’s not only the exams – but just my education in general. I’m sick of hanging in there. I’m not passionate about what I’m studying… And it’s not something that will lead to my ‘dream job’ … So it’s kinda hard to find the motivation… 

I feel really down today. I felt really down yesterday too. I feel bipolar these days. One day I feel like everything is going to be alright and that things are moving for the better… The next I will feel like shit and like everything is meaningless and hopeless… Today is one of the bad days. Very bad days. 

I have an oral exam tomorrow. I can’t and haven’t been able to study … I just don’t want to. It bores me. I don’t want to. I just want to sleep. I want to cry. Then sleep. Just forget everything… Not think, not feel, just sleep. I hate oral exams so much. I just want to pass. I hope I pass tomorrow… 

Today is just not a great day. I feel like life is meaningless if all we have to do is things that we don’t want to do. It’s all meaningless if the things we do don’t make us happy. What’s the point of living a life just because? I know I’m being a total pessimist, but I just can’t help it… This is just how I feel right now. Like everything is meaningless and hopeless, like there’s no meaning in forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to all the time. What’s the point? … I just want to live. Do things I actually want to do. Do things that I truly enjoy. I want to study something that makes me happy. Something that I feel is useful and meaningful to me. Something that I find super interesting… Unfortunately I’ve been studying this for almost 2 years now. I don’t have that much longer to go and then I’m done. So I can’t and won’t quit now… Because then all the suffering will have been meaningless. I just have to suffer a little while longer and then I’m done. Then I can finally start to perhaps study and do things that I want to. Things that I find interesting. 

I’m just sick of everything at the moment. I can’t help it. 

I hate how people tell me that I have no reason to be unhappy. That I’m studying at a prestigious place, I have a family, I look good, I’m intelligent and in good shape and what more could I want… It’s truly annoying and upsetting. Because in the end that’s not what it’s about. It’s not about being unhappy because of things you don’t have. It’s about being unhappy because you just are and you’re not quite sure why. 

What is depression? 
Depression is a complicated thing. It’s not something that’s black and white. Depression isn’t just ‘being sad’ or blue or anything like that. Depression is about feeling truly miserable, sad, feeling like shit, feeling really down, loss of motivation in everything and feeling so much yet so little. Depression is something that isn’t in our control. It’s not an emotion. Depression can trigger emotions, but depression isn’t an emotion. It’s not a state of mind either, it’s a mental disease. It’s something that needs to be cured, whether with drugs because of a chemical imbalance or with professional help to get everything out of your system… 

Depression is hard to understand unless you’ve experienced it. And people who think it’s a simple thing and that the depressed person is in control of their emotions are truly annoying. They may not know it and they may say things because they want to help – but it makes it all so much worse. We don’t need you to tell us what to do to feel better – because nothing you say will help. I’ve tried everything myself, I know myself, I know how it is when I’m depressed. I know that nothing can help directly… 
So stop trying to fix it, because it can’t be fixed, just listen to what we have to say. Let us be and just be there for us. 
The most important thing for me is to know I have people around me who can support me when I need it. It’s important to have someone you can tell how you feel. It’s important that you’re not alone too much… I’m trying to make everything better for myself – so I’ve moved in with my family for a little while… So I won’t be home alone and with exams and everything… 

I know that when depressed you don’t feel like doing anything – but you should push yourself and make yourself attend social events etc. Although it may not feel like it has an effect it actually does, because you’re keeping yourself active and distracted, which is good for you. Sometimes it’s good to just get your mind off of things – even it’s just for an hour. Which is quite difficult if you’re just at home lying in your bed or on the couch watching tv or just lying there. Although it might feel right – it’s not. Though sometimes if you really really don’t feel like anything at ALL then you shouldn’t force yourself. You should just do what you want to do, but just don’t hide (too often)… 

Life is just a mess at times… If only there was a source of motivation… Motivation apples… That would be great, because my motivation is at 30% … 

I need motivation and positivity… Hopefully I’ll have a little more peace after the exam tomorrow. I hope. Fingers crossed for passing. 

 

 

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