The ugly truth: Jealousy.

Jealousy is such an ugly thing. 

But it exists… At some point most of us feel jealousy in one way or another… 

I just realized that I’m jealous… At the same time I’m questioning whether I’m really just scared or feeling something else? Or maybe other feelings are triggering the jealousy… 

All I know is that it’s hard to be single and friends with your ex and still love them… Yes, I was the one to break things off… No, I don’t regret doing that… Yes, I love him. Of course I do! He was a good boy but we just aren’t meant to be. I do really love him though…

Which makes me sort of want him all to my self and yet not. I mean it’s that feeling of ‘ownership’, like ‘he’s mine’ but I don’t want him but you can’t have him either… 

It’s an ugly truth that I’ve just had to face… 

I slept with someone else and he’s just going out and meeting girls and texting and snap chatting with them and I’m f****ing jealous! WHAT?! … It’s crazy??? I don’t want him to want me in that way, yet I don’t want him to want someone else. I don’t want him to love someone else, the thought of someone else becoming his no. 1 is heartbreaking. But why? I feel so stupid. 

I don’t want to feel this way but I can’t run from the fact that this is how I feel… 

Nothing makes sense. None of what I feel makes sense, it’s mixed feelings… I want and then I don’t want. 

I don’t want him to date someone else yet I f****ing had sex with someone else. I seem to hold a double standard! I hate that. 

I don’t know… I guess feelings mean more than sex, or I know that it’s like that… The thought of him loving someone else kills me. 

I hate feeling like this. I feel super jealous. I wan’t to be his one and only, yet he’s not even mine… I sort of wish he was though, because he’s a pretty good guy. It’s a shame though… A shame that we’re not in match, in my eyes at least. 

I feel like I can’t function without love. I want to be able to though. I want to be able to not care and not want a guy in my life… But I can’t … And I don’t like just any guy – because then I wouldn’t have an issue… 

I seem to want something I can’t have… At least not yet… 
Why do I crave love so much? 
Why do I need interaction with a guy in a romantic sense to be ‘happy’ or ‘satisfied’ with my ‘life’ so to say. I don’t know why… And it annoys me! I am a strong woman, independent – yet not? I mean I don’t NEED a man, but I want one. I want to have a man in my life, not necessarily as a boyfriend but just someone I can hang with, have sex with… I like affection, cuddling and being lusted… I’m not that abnormal, am I? 

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