Happiness – an illusion?

So easy to say, yet so complicated to understand.

Ever thought of what happiness actually is? Lately I’ve been wondering what happiness is, what it means to be happy. It’s so easy to say ‘I’m not happy’, which is what I tell myself a lot of the time… I say I’m not happy, but then I can’t describe and define what happiness is, I just seem to know (feel) that I’m not.

So what is happiness?
Honestly I don’t know. Is happiness living in a tropical paradise? It sure does seem like it would bring one joy and happiness – but would it really?

I think no matter the circumstances we will always find something or some reason for why we’re not happy?

Sure it would bring me joy to be living in a tropical paradise, not having to work or anything – no obligations ergo no stress. BUT joy and happiness is not the same thing… Now as much as I would love to dream about such a life, I think to myself – would that bring me happiness? The answer is no.
The only way to ever be truly happy is when you’re at peace. At peace with everything, past, present and the possible future. Unless you’re at peace with your life and yourself, then you’ll most likely never be happy. Not even with the perfect life: no economical stress, no obligations, real love and family etc.

Sometimes I wonder if it is possible to ever be at peace? Can it be achieved?
Stress brings us down. Is stress avoidable in this world we’re living in? I think not, unless you’re a monk or something extraordinary as such.

Anyway … I’ve decided that it’s time. It’s time for me to find a little peace. It’s time for me to deal with my past, the issues that are embedded inside my mind and the things that sit heavily on my heart.
Sometimes you can’t deal with things on your own. I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’ve postponed. I’ve tried to forget and to move on, but sometimes willpower isn’t enough. You can’t control the results of trauma… You just have to deal with it, to live with it. I haven’t done that yet.
I’ve decided to try out therapy, to see if that can bring my mind at ease. Make me understand myself better. Make me understand what it is that makes me depressed, sad, angry and torn apart. What it is that makes me feel like I’m never good enough. What it is that makes me unable to communicate without crying. Why I cry and can’t talk when I wan’t to express myself to someone who’s hurt me…

I need to figure out who I am.

Who am I? And what do I have to live for? What is the purpose of my life?

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