Player? or not?

Player.

Is it someone who gets around? Someone who is in contact with a lot of people (women?) at the same time? Someone who sleeps with someone new every week? Someone who plays someone else and their feelings?

These days it seems like the word covers quite a few things… It can be one or the other or even everything at once?
I used this term fairly loosely the other day, not realizing the many meanings and definitions behind the word. To me it was just meant as a guy who gets around – a guy who’s a ladies man. A guy who has a lot of girls ‘at hand’ so to speak…
But the person I was speaking to had the understanding that it only covers a person who plays another persons feelings, by e.g. leading them on to thinking there could be more than is… Made me think twice before using that term again…

So the question I’ve had ever since is, am I a player? I look and think ‘oh that guy is a player’, but what about myself? I mean… I don’t do anything intentionally – but that doesn’t mean I’m not a player… Although I don’t feel like I lead anyone on very strongly, in the sense that flirting and friend zone is alright?

So I hung out with this guy today… He’s really nice and all that, but I’m just not that into him and he’s not really my type. I don’t think he’s attractive… I really don’t. He has a nice height and body, but his face… Not so much.
Anyway appearance aside, he asked if we should hang today… I didn’t really want to , but for some reason I felt like I couldn’t reject him (I’m bad at these things). Anyway I was scared that he would want to kiss me etc. and I guess I was right…
He tried, I didn’t want it to go that way, so I rejected… It became a tad bit awkward, he was very touchy and I had a hunch this wasn’t going to go right… And guess what ? I was right!

… We ended up kissing, then making out… I haven’t had sex in so long – IM HORNY, lets just be honest here.. So dry-humping happened too (yea, no way I was going to have sex w. him) … Anyway I kept thinking of Matt… Because reality is … I don’t want to spend that kind of time with anyone else than Matt – which is pathetic. I don’t even think he’s that into me… And frankly I don’t even care much about that. I just want to have sex. I want Matt to sex me real good. Anyway going back to the guy I was with today … I regret everything so much! Gosh … I think he’s getting all kinds of thoughts. I know I’ve sent the wrong signal… Now I have to figure out how I will be able to fix this mess… I am so not into him, at ALL. Not only that, I’m not looking for a relationship nor do I want to have sex with him … I’m in trouble. Deep shit. Gosh why? Why did I have to do it? Why do I keep doing things without knowing why???

Am I a player? I’m starting to think I might be, unintentionally …

I need to change some things… Oh god. This is so not good. So NOT good.  Fuck.

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