I played him.

You know you’ve played someone when you’re not on the same page and it’s because of something you did… 

*smack* … I’m smacking my forehead as I think of this situation. 

The only thought going through my mind is: ‘FUCK, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK… Fuuuuuck’ – and no it’s not the good kind of fuck, but the I’m-such-a-fucking-idiot-I’m-in-trouble kind of fuck. 

I want to just be friendly/friends with this guy. Not even as in let’s hang out friends, but more like let’s be normal when we meet one another – especially in the gym… Oh god. I feel so … URGH. You know that feeling? When you can’t say much, but you feel like ‘urgh’ and ‘FUUUCK’ and … sort of nauseous? … 

… Guys that like me whom I don’t like ‘that way’ make me feel nauseous… Is that weird? 
I’ve always wondered if I’m the only one who feels like that… 

Anyway … I can’t believe I’ve let myself end up here. 
WHYYYY? Why did I agree to hang out with him… Why oh why did I make out with him? Which was sort of inevitable when I decided to meet up with him. *Smack* … I’m such an idiot… 

He texted me saying: ‘It’s a little weird how you don’t want to talk that much anymore since we were together’ … And that is together as in hangout nothing more (okay and make out – but thats it!) … When I got that text I just thought ‘Nooooo, why? Why did you have to bring it up?! … What to say, what to say…’ 
As that thought might’ve (or might not?) have revealed – I am super bad at confrontations. I’m soooo bad at them. I avoid them. Almost at all costs. I prefer communication to be more indirect. I would’ve preferred for him to just ‘get the message’ from my behavior rather than point it out. I would’ve loved for him to just back off a bit… Too clingy … Too … Not my type… 

PDA … Yea apparently he likes that. Safe to say that I DON’T – and let me emphasize that, it’s a DON’T with the largest letters on Earth. I HATE PDA. 

Last time I saw him in the gym. He came over and sort of leaned over, I pushed him gently by placing my hand on his chest, ‘can’t I give you a kiss?’ he asked. ‘Uhh… No’ I replied. 

He makes it all so awkward. Please, can’t you just leave it be… 

I know it’s my fault, but still… Have some dignity dude. Don’t try so hard, especially when you can see I’m giving you almost NOTHING to work with. 

I’ve played him. I feel like he’s fallen hard. I feel guilty. Fuck. 
*Smack* … I’m an idiot. 

I don’t like him… At all. Not in that way at least… I don’t find him being attractive, his personality doesn’t attract me… He’s nice but he’s not for me – not as a partner… Just… No. 

The only man on my mind is Matt… *Sigh* 
He is the only guy that has ever had me crazy like this. I like it and hate it. I have no idea where we stand. 
Yesterday he made the oddest comment whilst I was standing and talking to a colleague (1st day at the job since forever, we’re talking a couple of years, so naturally the staff has changed… The guy wasn’t someone I had talked to before, but he was my buddy for the day to get me started and introduced to the new system etc. – anyway back to the original story and comment that Matt made).
“She’s mine” he said confidently and looked at him. 
I just thought, ‘what?’ … I don’t get it! It was the first time I’d seen him since we first had sex … It was quite a confusing event… 
The guy never contacts me, but as soon as he sees me with another male, he says ‘she’s mine’ … 
 I don’t know… I have no idea whats going on in his life, so I can’t judge or say anything about the lack of contact in that sense… But it’s things like this that make me confused. 

I wonder if he’s had sex since he was with me. It would be naive to think he hadn’t – but I still wonder… 
Most of all I wonder what’s going on in his head… He’s worse than me. 


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