Going back to an old love…

The thought struck me. 

Why?  … I don’t know. We’ll I do, but I don’t… Doesn’t make much sense, right? We’ll thats me at the moment. Not much of what I do makes sense. I’v become relatively more impulsive. Although I wanted to break my old patterns… I’m not sure this new one is a good one. I’ve always been impatient, so impulse isn’t that far from the ‘me’ I know…

Anyway … Loneliness is the answer.
Loneliness will make you do, say and think stupid things.

… Perhaps loneliness and desperation. The desperate need of being love. Yes, I confess, I am addicted to love and affection. I don’t know why…

I feel helpless without it. Thats why I ever considered going back. My decision isn’t even final yet. It’s not a definite no …

I want to be able to not need a man. For some reason that just not me. I want it to be. I feel like its a sign of weakness that I feel like I can’t be without – and I don’t do weakness. I’m strong. I’m independent. So why do I need a man? Why do I need the attention, love and affection of a man? 
I can’t say … I hate it. Really. 

I wish I could say fuck it and mean it, but I can’t. Im hooked. 
I love having a man in my life. For some reason having girl-friends isn’t enough. I need a man. 

Number three.

Another one added to the list. Current count: three.

In case you’re wondering; I’m talking about my ‘sex list’.
Yes, I do in fact have a written one too… Is that weird? I think most females do it. Mine is saved in ‘my little black box’ folder. Random fact, I know…

Anyway lets get back to what’s relevant …

I had sex with a 3rd guy.

I’m surprised how little I care about it… Weird how I always thought it was a big deal… But it’s not really. Or am I just kidding myself? I can’t tell just yet.

Either way… It hurt. Like a bitch. I wonder, will I ever enjoy actual sex?
This hurt more than guy 2, Matt. But it hurt with Matt because he was selfish and didn’t think of me and go easy.

This one wasn’t anywhere near.
I mean yes it hurt, A LOT, but he went easy and kissed me and wasn’t thinking of himself and orgasming only… 

But I don’t know? I can’t figure out (yet) whether or not it was stupid to ‘give myself’ just yet… 
Perhaps it was too early. 

I don’t know … 
We’ll see. 

I think he’s nice, but so I thought about Matt as well… Although I always had my doubt about Matt, which isn’t the case here… But you never really know now do you… We’ll see. 

But I still can’t help but think, if I might be going for the wrong guys. If I’m being naive and stupid… 
I don’t know. I guess time will tell me. 

I think I might give up if he ends up being a total douche as well… I might just give up and go back to my ex… 
I don’t know… I feel really confused and doubtful … 

I don’t know why I make sex a big thing… But I can’t help it. Although I don’t feel that emotional attachment just because of the sex, I still think its something that matters. Im not 100% sure why that is , but it just is … 

That’s that. For now…
As for figuring things out… 
Time will give me the answers I seek. 

Stress.

I stress too much. 

I put too much pressure on myself. The expectations I have for myself are high, too high. I want to be superwoman, I strive to be… I try to have everything under control and be perfect. 
Lets be real. Perfection doesn’t exist. Nothing is ever perfect. You can’t be superwoman. In the end we’re all human, even I. 

I think of how I want to be, what I want to achieve, what I want to do, how organized and spot on I want and need to be… But I’m not executing any of it… Mostly I’m stressing over the thought of it. 

My thoughts take a lot of my energy. If not all my energy in fact. 

Sometimes I just sit and daydream of a better life, I should rather be making the one that I have better… Yet I can’t seem to get my shit together. I need a getaway … I need to go somewhere where I won’t have any worries. Nothing else than me. A place that will allow me to just do me. Not think of anyone else, no chores, no obligations… Nothing. 

I need to clear my head. Right now my head is one congested mess. It’s a burden. A heavy weight on my shoulders. Im constantly tense in the neck and shoulder area, sometimes it even cramps… I need relieve. 
I know what I need… Problem is, I don’t know how to get what I need. I need peace, I need relieve, I need to clear my mind, I need to be in harmony with myself… I need all this, I just have no idea how to get it, how to achieve it. 

I just want to be at peace. With myself, the world… Everything. I want to be able to relax. I want to be able to enjoy. I want to be happy. I want my life and myself to feel like ‘enough’ … I hate constantly thinking that my life is not good enough, Im not good enough … I never feel good enough… 

 

At the moment Im stressing over my weight. I need to loose a little… 
My energy level is at rock bottom, none existent … I have no energy, no power… No ‘pump’. I have no joy … I have no motivation… Right now I’m not living… I’m just existing. 

That needs to change. I want to live, not just exist. I want to be. 

I want so much. Yet I don’t have the motivation to go get it. 
Right now Im just dealing with everything. I don’t feel like I have the energy for more than that… 

Hopefully better times are yet to come … 

It’s complicated.

Its difficult to deal with something when it’s constantly being rubbed in your face…

Not only do I keep seeing him … But now I see her too. Yes, her. His girlfriend. Jesus christ…
I don’t feel like seeing him or them … Not that I actually care in the same way as I did a while ago, its more because its weird than anything else. At least for me.

I hate being ‘fake’, and having to pretend like nothing ever happened is really taking a lot of energy … I’m just that type of person. Trying to not have it be awkward. Yet I feel awkward all the time when it comes to him and his ‘business’ so to say …

Any way I’ve realized that I’m not really into him … I used to be. Ages ago. With time it was perhaps just the thought of him, the thought of not being able to have him – because I had a boyfriend …

Then it was the fact that I didn’t get to explore everything … But all in all … Even when I ‘had’ him … I didn’t really feel anything, what I felt 2 years prior to everything lately … Well it doesn’t compare… I didn’t feel the same butterflies or anything.

Perhaps it was more about having something you couldn’t have … Perhaps it was only about lust. I even think it was only about the thought of it all – imagination – illusion …

I don’t think I ever wanted Matt for Matt, I wanted him … Just because.

I honestly don’t really know him … Not as a person … We’ve never had real conversations… Never gotten real insights in each others lives. Nothing really… I don’t even know what we have in common, if anything… 

I don’t know him.

Truth is. Him, someone else, whomever … Doesn’t matter. I just need someone. Its stupid, but its the truth …

For some reason, I just need a guy in my life… Also … I need sex… I haven’t had sex since January … Its sad … Its been 4 months… At the same time I keep thinking about ‘numbers’ … On one hand I think, FUCK IT! Who cares? I’m allowed to do what I want…

On the other hand I think, NO NO NO… You need to watch your numbers, don’t want anyone to think you’re easy or ‘used’ or anything like that…

Then I think – FUCK what people think?! … In the end, if I end up with someone, if he truly loves me … Well then he won’t care…

I don’t know… I am my own worst judge and my own prisoner… 

Shit aside… Perhaps I wanted him, only for display ? Because he’s kinda a trophy … Look-wise .. 

So … That was just me reflecting on things and … sort of being honest with myself …

Trying to understand myself. Trying to tell myself, I need to let everything go .. because in the end.. Im making it a deal when it never even was, even worse I’m making it a big one (to myself)…

It’s not worth it… Not worth my time, energy or anything.

 

It was never anything. It won’t be anything. Thats the truth. That’s reality. I need to deal with it. I need to deal with what’s true. Whats current. What’s real. What’s not wishful thinking…

Most things are usually less complicated than they seem.