It’s complicated.

Its difficult to deal with something when it’s constantly being rubbed in your face…

Not only do I keep seeing him … But now I see her too. Yes, her. His girlfriend. Jesus christ…
I don’t feel like seeing him or them … Not that I actually care in the same way as I did a while ago, its more because its weird than anything else. At least for me.

I hate being ‘fake’, and having to pretend like nothing ever happened is really taking a lot of energy … I’m just that type of person. Trying to not have it be awkward. Yet I feel awkward all the time when it comes to him and his ‘business’ so to say …

Any way I’ve realized that I’m not really into him … I used to be. Ages ago. With time it was perhaps just the thought of him, the thought of not being able to have him – because I had a boyfriend …

Then it was the fact that I didn’t get to explore everything … But all in all … Even when I ‘had’ him … I didn’t really feel anything, what I felt 2 years prior to everything lately … Well it doesn’t compare… I didn’t feel the same butterflies or anything.

Perhaps it was more about having something you couldn’t have … Perhaps it was only about lust. I even think it was only about the thought of it all – imagination – illusion …

I don’t think I ever wanted Matt for Matt, I wanted him … Just because.

I honestly don’t really know him … Not as a person … We’ve never had real conversations… Never gotten real insights in each others lives. Nothing really… I don’t even know what we have in common, if anything… 

I don’t know him.

Truth is. Him, someone else, whomever … Doesn’t matter. I just need someone. Its stupid, but its the truth …

For some reason, I just need a guy in my life… Also … I need sex… I haven’t had sex since January … Its sad … Its been 4 months… At the same time I keep thinking about ‘numbers’ … On one hand I think, FUCK IT! Who cares? I’m allowed to do what I want…

On the other hand I think, NO NO NO… You need to watch your numbers, don’t want anyone to think you’re easy or ‘used’ or anything like that…

Then I think – FUCK what people think?! … In the end, if I end up with someone, if he truly loves me … Well then he won’t care…

I don’t know… I am my own worst judge and my own prisoner… 

Shit aside… Perhaps I wanted him, only for display ? Because he’s kinda a trophy … Look-wise .. 

So … That was just me reflecting on things and … sort of being honest with myself …

Trying to understand myself. Trying to tell myself, I need to let everything go .. because in the end.. Im making it a deal when it never even was, even worse I’m making it a big one (to myself)…

It’s not worth it… Not worth my time, energy or anything.

 

It was never anything. It won’t be anything. Thats the truth. That’s reality. I need to deal with it. I need to deal with what’s true. Whats current. What’s real. What’s not wishful thinking…

Most things are usually less complicated than they seem.

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