Number three.

Another one added to the list. Current count: three.

In case you’re wondering; I’m talking about my ‘sex list’.
Yes, I do in fact have a written one too… Is that weird? I think most females do it. Mine is saved in ‘my little black box’ folder. Random fact, I know…

Anyway lets get back to what’s relevant …

I had sex with a 3rd guy.

I’m surprised how little I care about it… Weird how I always thought it was a big deal… But it’s not really. Or am I just kidding myself? I can’t tell just yet.

Either way… It hurt. Like a bitch. I wonder, will I ever enjoy actual sex?
This hurt more than guy 2, Matt. But it hurt with Matt because he was selfish and didn’t think of me and go easy.

This one wasn’t anywhere near.
I mean yes it hurt, A LOT, but he went easy and kissed me and wasn’t thinking of himself and orgasming only… 

But I don’t know? I can’t figure out (yet) whether or not it was stupid to ‘give myself’ just yet… 
Perhaps it was too early. 

I don’t know … 
We’ll see. 

I think he’s nice, but so I thought about Matt as well… Although I always had my doubt about Matt, which isn’t the case here… But you never really know now do you… We’ll see. 

But I still can’t help but think, if I might be going for the wrong guys. If I’m being naive and stupid… 
I don’t know. I guess time will tell me. 

I think I might give up if he ends up being a total douche as well… I might just give up and go back to my ex… 
I don’t know… I feel really confused and doubtful … 

I don’t know why I make sex a big thing… But I can’t help it. Although I don’t feel that emotional attachment just because of the sex, I still think its something that matters. Im not 100% sure why that is , but it just is … 

That’s that. For now…
As for figuring things out… 
Time will give me the answers I seek. 

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