Challenge of my life: myself

The biggest challenge in the world: Me. 

And I don’t mean to others – I mean to myself. 

… I can sometimes hate myself. Understood in the sense that sometimes, I tire myself out with my mentality… 

The thoughts I have, the feelings I have and get … I just can’t stand it.

I feel alone… I feel lonely… I feel lonesome. 

I don’t feel like there are anyone I can truly connect with. I feel different. 

I can put up a facade and blend it, no problem… But Im talking about real connections. True friendships and relationships… Its difficult to have something real and wonderful, when you always feel alone. When you always feel like a misfit. A misfit because of the way you think… 

I hate my emotions. I don’t have much motivation for life, to be quite honest. Im not happy with the life I have right now. Im not satisfied. Im lost. 

I don’t even know any longer what it is Im searching for. My life has lost all meaning.  

I no longer know what I live for. I’m not sure of my dreams and goals any more. Sometimes I feel like its all hopeless. 

Most of the time, I just want to give up. Sometimes I think it would be better if I was just gone. If I left the face of the earth. Sometimes I think, what if. What if I was to fall on the train tracks right before a train was to come? Boom. I’d be gone. 
What if I got sick and died? 
What if I don’t wake up? 

Would anyone care? 

Sure my family might give a little fuck. But would anyone else? 

And so what if they do or don’t … They don’t add value to my life. I do. 

But lately … Or the past many years… I haven’t been able to add real value to my life. 

Most of the time… I just want to lay in bed. Do nothing all day. Other times. I want to do a lot of things… Just to keep myself busy. 

But in the end. I just want to be happy … I want to feel comfortable. I want to feel secure. I want to have self-esteem. I want to believe in myself. I want to just do what I truly dream of doing. 

I feel trapped. Im my own prisoner – as I’ve said before… 

Right now Im stuck in a state of sadness and loneliness. 

 

I feel like I need a man in my life. A significant other. But honestly … I don’t. Its just me trying to fill out a hole with some random ‘stuffing’. I need to find myself first. But Im impatient. Im scared. I don’t want to, although I know I HAVE to and NEED to… 

I have to fix myself. I have to love myself. I can’t love someone else if I don’t… 

Im slowly learning to let go of the whole man/guy thing … But lets see… My feelings and thoughts go to and fro so much – Im confusing myself… 

I need to set boundaries for myself. I need to be strong. I need to focus. 

I need to stop thinking too much …