Lonely or lonesome?

Sometimes I’m at a loss of words. I have all these feelings, but no words to put to them… 

I don’t even know what I want anymore… I don’t even know who can be trusted. I don’t know what to do, what to say or how to behave… I don’t know how to feel. 

Sometimes I feel so lonesome… Other times I tell myself, ‘whatever’.

I’m so confused. I feel like I want to have someone. Yet I don’t have actual feelings for anyone… 
At the same time it seems as if I have troubles being ‘alone’… Seems like without some type of male contact/attention I’m lost… I hate that I feel like that, but I can’t help it… 
It’s not that I’m weak… But I like to have someone… I like to have someone to care for, someone to care for me… Or someone to kiss, cuddle and hug… I like to be loved. I like to love. 

I want to be appreciated. I want to have someone to appreciate. But in-between all that I want passion and lust too… 

When you don’t want to be intimate with someone, then it doesn’t matter if all other elements are present. When the feeling of being in love, lust or intimacy isn’t present, then everything else goes down the drain… There has to be a balance. I’m hoping to find someone to have that balance with. No one is perfect. 
I’m not seeking the perfect man. Perfection is an illusion and nothing I would ever put as a measure to anyone… 

I’m searching for a good balance of elements that matter in a relationship… 

Perhaps at the moment I am just searching an ‘open’ relationship … I don’t want to have a boyfriend, yet I don’t want to not have a man in my life… 

I have needs. Let’s be honest. Those needs are both physical but emotional as well. Whilst I might not be fully ready to commit yet, I still want the ‘fruits’ of being in a relationship – but without the commitment. 

… There is one guy I think I like. I’m not sure though. I think I’m not letting myself like him, or fall for him … Because I’m unsure of where we stand. I’m unsure of what he wants. I’m unsure of what this whole thing is. 
Sometimes I fear that guys just wanna use me. At the same time I feel like sex doesn’t matter, but I seem to put too much care into what society thinks… If it was up to me, it wouldn’t matter how many people one had been with … 
I mean of course it matter if you’re hitting 50+ … But I mean … I keep thinking that numbers matter to some extent… And that only because I think it matters to society. It doesn’t matter much to me deep down, but then it does – because society’s opinion matters to me. 

It shouldn’t, yet it does. Why is sex so taboo? 
What a shame … 


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