I feel like my heart is bleeding. 

Oh god. 

I think I’ve fallen ? 

Have I? 

you should: 

“Love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely”

I don’t think I was lonely… I might’ve felt lonesome from time to time… 

Am I ready? 
I kept thinking, “No, you’re not ready to be in a relationship. You still need to explore. Meet different guys. Meet someone who’s ‘perfect’. Someone that lives up to everything 100%, even as far as looks go.” 

No really. Does it even matter? I find flaws everywhere. Perfection doesn’t exist, and it doesn’t exist in my world at all. 

Now … Crossed borders, to see this guy. 
It had only been 2 weeks since I had last seen him, when I landed. Yet, I couldn’t wait to see him. Maybe I was holiday high, maybe it was the excitement, it was something different… Something that wasn’t easily accessible if I should put it like that… 

I have no idea, all I know is, that he caught my attention from the very beginning. All I know is that this boy, is… So sweet. He appreciates every little thing I do for him. 

When I stroke his neck, while he’s driving… 
The way I kiss him… 
The way I act around the people that matter to him… 

I made him a fruit salad, he was so happy and grateful. I just thought, it’s just a fruit salad? 
But to him it was much more. 

I’ve never felt that appreciated. 

He told everyone about the things I did for him… 

It was crazy to me. 

But now that I think about it. I see how it shows how much he appreciated the little things… 

I miss him. 

I really like him. 

Let’s call him Olly. He’s my number 4. 

I think I’m in love? He’s on my mind all the time. 
All I want is to kiss his neck and hug him. And have him by my side… 
Unfortunately we live so far from one another… Why … 

The sex was good. I can’t lie. 


… I don’t know what to do. I feel … So weird. So sad. 
It’s only been a day and a half. 
I miss him so much… 
I haven’t even known him for that long. I’ve only known him for 3 weeks. 

I can’t believe that in 3 weeks, he’s made me feel like this… 

I still can’t figure out if I’m in love or not. I know I like him… 
And the way I’m feeling now that I’m home… Well that makes me think I might be in love. 
But then again I don’t know… Maybe I’m holding back, because of the distance… 

I think it’s too late to back out now… 
But the distance is killing me, already. 

Tears run down my cheek whilst I’m writing this. 
My heart is aching. 
A clump in my throat. 
All I want to do right now is cry. 

But I can’t. I have to study. I have an exam tomorrow. An exam I haven’t studied for… I hope I pass. 
I only have a couple of hours to figure it all out… 
Yet I don’t care… 
All I care about is him. 
That’s so stupid… But I can’t help it. All I want, is to book another flight ASAP. Just so it’s not a maybe, but a definite yes, that I will see him again… That I will see him soon. 

If I could I would leave after the exam tomorrow. But that’s not reality. I have work. I have lectures. I have bills to pay. I got responsibilities. 

I always dream of running. 
Leaving my home. 
Leaving this place. 
Go somewhere else. 
Although he doesn’t live where I imagine myself going. Even though I could never move to live there, because it’s not much different from where I already am… 
Then it’s still nice, to be somewhere else. Somewhere different. Away from everything and everyone. And just be with him. 

I feel tempted to say I love him. 
But I think it’s too early for that. I think the word I’m searching for is in love and not love. 
I don’t know. Feels like I’ve known him for longer. I know I don’t know him 100% or everything about him, I know that. Yet the connection that we have… 

I don’t know. 

I just know that right now I can’t get him off my mind. 
And being away from him is bringing tears to my eyes… 
That’s all I know… 

Time will be my guidance

I look for all the bad, before I see the good. 

Maybe Im just dreaming? Maybe I wish I was like others? Like most? 
Maybe I wasn’t made to fall in love… 
Or maybe I haven’t met the right one? 

All I see right now are your flaws… 
How this might all be a mistake? 

Maybe it was impulse. A moment of wishful thinking. 

Maybe you’re too young for me. 
Maybe you’re not serious enough. 
Maybe we’re too different. 

Maybe this is a mistake? 

Maybe it’s not. 
But right now I can’t help but only see the bad. 
The 1000 of reasons why it wouldn’t work. 

I’m sorry. 

I just don’t trust people. 
My expectations are too high. 

Maybe I’m just too different for the world to be able to shape the perfect mate for me. 
Maybe I have to set my expectations lower. 
But how could I? 
My expectations are derived from the lengths I myself would go for someone. 
I therefore expect, I therefore expect the same. 

I’m only human. 
Even if I don’t belong to the ‘normal’ segment when it comes to thinking. 

I’m sorry. 
Sorry to be difficult. 
I’m sorry if I end up hurting you. 

I’ve never been one to not give people a chance… 

I will let time be my guidance. 
Time will tell. 
With time you will tell and show. 
Then I will decide. 
Time will be my guiding line. 

600 miles apart

Ticket has been booked. 

It’s now really going to happen. 

I’m going to go see my ‘summer fling’… 

This will be interesting… 

I wonder what will come out of it. But I’m sure this is what will ‘set the situation’. 
Will I like him or dislike him? 

Time will tell. 

In 5 days I will see him. 

I actually can’t wait. 

I don’t know him that well yet. I hope I won’t get disappointed. Who knows. 
I sure do hope I’ll get laid though… Haha. No really. 
If a guy will make me travel 600 miles and I don’t even get laid (If I want to of course), then I think there’s something wrong with me. 

I haven’t heard from guy 3… And I actually don’t even care? Don’t care to contact him either. 
I hope he doesn’t contact me, because I can’t be bothered to talk to him… 
He thinks he’s all that. Poor guy. You’re not. I’m just a really nice person. I don’t care about looks. Yet why did I give him so many ‘chances’? It wasn’t even because he was super hot or anything like that, he wasn’t incredible personality wise either… Oh the things I do sometimes. 

Like traveling borders. I’m really excited to see what this brings. 
He’s so passionate. I really like that… 
Oh well, have to pass my exam first. Which is also in 5 days… So countdown to something dreadful and something wonderful. Hopefully it will be a wonderful day. Hopefully I’ll pass and seeing him will most likely bring a huge smile to my face… 

Can’t wait! 

Lost myself somewhere on the journey

I used to draw. I used to paint. I used to write. I used to write poetry. I used to write lyrics. 

I used to express myself artistically.
I used to express myself through my hands.
Let the art and thoughts come to life through my hands. 

But now… I’ve lost myself. 
I’ve died inside. 

I look back and I get upset. 
Upset at how I no longer do these things. 
Things I used to enjoy. 
Things I enjoy. 


Time is what has let me turn my back to myself. 
It’s all about time. 

So much to do. 
So little time to do what I want to do. 

Most of my time and energy goes on things I don’t want it to. 
Things that I have to do, but don’t like. 

They’re slowly killing me. 
All I think about is time. 

Only one year left till I graduate. 
Then I’ll have time.
Time to draw. 
Time to paint. 
Time to write. 
Time to travel. 

But will I? 


Money makes the world go round. 
Money doesn’t in itself bring you happiness – I agree. 
But money brings you freedom. Financial freedom. And that can bring you happiness. 

Who doesn’t want to be free? 
Not be tied down because of financial reasons? 
Who doesn’t want to do what their heart desires, rather than what their economy needs. 

Money makes the world go round. 
Education brings in good amount of money. 
Education is a pain. 
No pain no game. 
No pain no gain. 

It’s an evil circle. That traps your soul… 

At least the soul of the creative ones. Here lies no safety. 
You can’t depend on money coming in from creativity – unless you’re lucky. 

“You have to have a ‘real’ education and a steady job” 

You have to pay your bills. 
You have to… 

Money is essential to surviving in this world we live in. 
Nothing is free. 

Seems like not even kindness is free anymore… 

What a world. 
What a life. 

All I think about now is time. 
I just want to finish my bachelor. Then figure out what I want. 
I’ll take a year off to work and figure things out. 

But I wonder… Will I find happiness? 
Will I have time? 
Will I have time to unfold artistically? 
Will I have time and opportunity to evolve artistically? 

Or will working drain me? 
Just as my studies do? 

Will I ever have time? 
Will I ever have the energy? 

“success is about dedication. You may not be where you want to be or do what you want to do when you’re on the journey. But you’ve got to be willing to have vision and foresight that leads you to an incredible end.”
– Usher 


I love this quote. It really puts words to my situation. Its perfect . I love it. 

At the moment this quote is what I’m thinking… I’m not where I want to be yet, but Im only on the journey to getting where I want… 

I have to do what I do now, to achieve what I vision later… 

That’s just reality. 


Love across borders?

My holiday fling… 

He’s like many of the guys I’ve met. And then again not really… He’s like the guys I’ve met but wasn’t attracted to… But whom I thought were sweet and would treat me well… 

I might’ve not known him for long. I might’ve only spent one day with him… 

But seriously… He makes me feel like I am the most amazing person on earth. At the same time I kinda fancy him. But I’m not 100% sure… How could I be anyway? 

I do want to see if there is anything. If there could be anything… 
So I’m going to go see him. Not sure when exactly in 2 weeks or in 1 month… I’m kinda excited. 
It will take me 1,5 hours by plane… And about an additional hour by car from the airport to him. 

Although he’s 5 month younger than me, I feel like he’s more like a man than most guys I’ve ever met. 
I think he’ll be my number 4. 

And number 3 is out. If he wants anything to do with me, he’ll have to work for it. I don’t care about him anymore. I won’t give him the light of the day. 


… Let’s see what life has planned for me… 


Pessimist or realist?

Maybe I’m a pessimist. Maybe … I’ve just lost all hope and belief in people.Or maybe I’m just real. Maybe my way of thinking is just realistic.… Though I can’t lie. Not having belief in people… It’s not nice. I want to believe in people, but I don’t…

I feel like the few times when you choose to believe someone… You just end up disappointed and wishing you had stuck to your usual – not believing anyone.

I’m not sure why…. But I feel weird.
It feels so weird. Everything happened so fast, everything ended so fast. I wish there had been more time.
I don’t know why. I just… The way he grabbed me. He grabbed me like a man, not a boy. I like it when someone grabs me like that. To stand their ground…


Perhaps the guy I’m putting my focus on is not the one I should be giving my time to…


The last guy I met at a club… Even he is ‘better’ than the guy I’m sort of letting take my time and mind.
He shows me more attention, replies, contacts… And when he kissed me… He too grabbed me around my waist in such a sexy way…

Love it when a man is a man. When he stand his ground. He knows what he wants. He gets what he wants. Gentle can be nice, but firm is amazing…
Yes. Firm turns me on. I love it when a guy takes the lead to. It’s like, just be a man. Be a fucking man…


I can’t fucking believe the guy that I’m talking to… My number 3.

I’ve had sex with him once. Well twice. Sort of.
He can’t fucking get a hard on. Now… when he’s been drinking he cant – I get that.

We made plans to meet. He still lives at home, his parents were going away a couple of days before I was going on holiday… So, the plan was for me to come to his home. I did. I wanted to have sex.
It took freaking ages, and he didn’t make a fucking move.
In the end I had to fucking kiss him to get something started.
Then I realized, shit I need to pee before doing anything.
I have this pee-orgasm-phobia thing going on too, but really… I had to pee.

So I went.

Then came back. Took like 2 minutes. His hard on was gone. Fine… BUT it wouldn’t fucking come back… Now that makes me wonder, does he have erection problems or does he not fancy me? I don’t fucking get it. Honestly I don’t.

I have never met a guy who wouldn’t want to do me… And here I am throwing myself at you, and no? … What?
Telling me I’m too fucking tight, why do I have to be so tight.
Whaaat? I’ve never heard a guy say that a girl was too tight… Can a girl really be ‘too tight’. He blamed me, saying it was because of that…


Fine I thought. I felt like it smelled a bit like he had had a bit to drink, but I didn’t say anything… I didn’t ask. I wasn’t sure, so I just didn’t talk.

We went to bed. I thought fine, in the morning then… I didn’t want to wake him. He knows I wake up before him, so he had told me to let him sleep.
So I did. 12 o’clock his alarm goes off, he wakes. Why didn’t you wake me? He asked. Because you said you wanted to sleep in? I replied.
Well I’m supposed to meet my friends at the beach at 1PM , you should’ve woken me up, he said.
In my mind I just thought what? Why the fuck did we plan to meet. If we were meeting at like 10-11PM at night, didn’t have sex, wake up… And part ways straight away? How the fuck does that make sense.
Why can’t you plan for us to be together? I was going to have to be at work at 4PM anyway… And even if so, why can’t you fuck me first at least… I just thought, is this guy serious?


So he got dressed, and we left.

Pretty fucking waste of my time and energy to even bother meeting with him.

I was so disappointed. But I didn’t say anything.


He drove me home.
Again, I had to fucking kiss him… It’s like he doesn’t like me, but why the fuck meet with me if he doesn’t like me.

I said, see you? He said yea. I replied, if you want to at least? … He laughed, yea if I want to.


I went inside.


The next day he texted me: have a nice holiday 🙂

I replied, thank you, but I’m not leaving until tonight. Just got done packing.

I know. Well that’s good. He replied.

Did you get in the water yesterday? I asked

Yea, he replied.

I didn’t really know what more I could say at this point… So I just wrote what I had in mind and said: man of few words 🙂

Yeaaaa, he replied.

I couldn’t understand… Why does he reply if he doesn’t care? And why are his replies so … not conversational if he does care?

I replied back, see you when I get home?

Yea we can do that (y) 🙂 , he replied.

I thought, how the fuck do I break it to this guy… That I just want to have fucking sex….

So I wrote: well then I want a present.

Haha what? He replied

Yea I wrote, followed by the text: you (cheeky smiley) haha

I think he didn’t get the second message till after his reply which was: ‘haha as iiiiiiif’, but I don’t know

I replied, haha stingy, why not?

He replied, yea alright maybe, if you’re lucky.

Haha, playing so hard to get, I replied.


And that was that.

Honestly I don’t feel him. I don’t really feel like there is anything…

I’m so over it.


I think I’ll just start talking to that other guy instead… And perhaps the holiday fling…


Really … It’s ridiculous how hard I have to try… I don’t fucking need to try.

Anyone would want to have sex with me, and here we have this fucking guy… Jesus. Starting to question his sexuality. Wants to be with his friends all the fucking time. Dude aint even got 2 minutes. Not even that. He’s got me right there, and he didn’t even have sex with me… How is that even possible?
Not sure if I should feel bad about myself or if he’s the issue here.

Holiday fling?

I felt like holiday crushes/flings were really not real … Something you only see in movies… Or something you only hear about in a sexual context…

I hate clichés. I hate feelings. Well no, I don’t hate feelings, I just dislike feeling ‘weird’. Sometimes I lack words to explain my feelings. Perhaps that’s what I hate?

I’m not sure if I’m ‘holiday high’ or if I’m feeling completely normal… All I know is, that I met a guy.

From the first time he caught my eye I thought he looked like a nice guy. He looked sweet and friendly.

Many polite smiles were exchanged.

I wondered if he would ever talk to me. I wanted him to.
I’m traveling with my family and being the only person of the age group that I’m in … Well it can get a little boring and lonely for me…

The day before he was leaving, he asked me if I wanted to join him for his last night. They were going to go to a club party. I said sure why not.

He said the departure time from the hotel was 11PM.

I was sitting in the lobby, I had ordered a drink. I don’t really drink, but I thought if I’m going out, and especially with people that I don’t know, then I have to be a little tipsy… Otherwise I’ll be too shy. 

Anyway … At 11 he came to me and said he had some ‘bad news’. The club plan had been cancelled. I never really understood why, something with the promoters and arrangers that had apparently gone wrong.

Point being, we weren’t going out.


Instead we sat in the lobby and talked. We went for a little walk, sat outside and talked. We went inside and ordered some drinks, sat inside and talked some more. The hotel club then opened and we went down to check it out.

It was pretty bad… The music was relatively good. He was a former dancer so he was getting his moves on. He was a little drunk and in the mood for dancing – so he did. It was entertaining to watch, I was amazed. I liked it. Love it when a guy can dance, I find it being so sexy. Love it.

Afterwards we went outside, and went on a walk. We sat down at a café and had something to eat and then some tea. 

We then went for a walk along the beach, found a sunbed and sat there watching the waves.

The temperature was near perfect, the waves, the sound of the waves… The city lights and the stars shinning above us. I won’t lie, it wasn’t a perfect star-sky, but it wasn’t bad…

We talked.

We kissed.

We made out.

We kissed some more .

We kissed a lot. 

At 6AM I went to bed.

We had been together for 6-7 hours…

I didn’t really want the night to end, neither did he.

It was weird to think that we were having such a great time, yet he was leaving tomorrow.

I just thought oh well, that’s that.


Morning came, I had 3 hours of sleep, went down for breakfast, then went up again after and had a nap.

I woke up at 11.40AM and thought oh no, he will be checking out in 20 mins. Or now?

I really wanted to see him again before he left. Why though?

Anyway … We hadn’t exchanged information of a kind yet…
I went down … I didn’t see him at first, went outside to see if my sisters were in the pool… Couldn’t spot them. Went inside again to the lobby, and he was sitting there.


All night he had talked about how amazing I was, how gorgeous I was and how ‘perfect’ I was…

Wow … Maybe a little too much. But still… He was being so … Straightforward about his thoughts.

We exchanged facebook. We went to lunch, to the beach and at 4PM he had to leave.


He kissed me goodbye.

Then again.

Then held me tight.

 Told me to never change.

Then kissed my forehead.

Kissed my lips again like he didn’t want it to be the last time.

Gave me a hug, and left.

 … And that was that.


Now I’m left here wondering, do I like him?

Is it just a holiday fever or is there more to it?


… At home I don’t really have anyone. I have one guy, who doesn’t really show me that he cares. But then he sort of does… But then again I can’t tell… I’m not sure I really give a fuck about him anymore.

If he doesn’t show me more than he has so far, then I think I’ll be done.


There are so many guys to choose from, I don’t have to hang in there for that one guy … Just because I feel like I sort of like him, but then again I question whether I actually do … 

I don’t know. Me and my feelings aren’t good friends. 

I never really can tell how I feel…

Why don’t I fall in love just like normal people. It’s such a struggle for me.

But I can’t lie though. I felt something intense with the ‘holiday fling’. It was so hot. I really wanted him. But … I don’t do that kind of thing…

I don’t trust guys. I don’t ever want to be ‘used’. I feel that no matter whether I wanted to or not, if the guy’s intention is to sleep with me, then I’m letting myself get used if I ‘let him get his way’ … 

Not only that, I don’t want to have sex with one person just one time… I don’t do one night stands. It’s not my thing.


This guy though, he really likes me. I think.

 I’m not sure how I feel just yet though…

Time will tell.