Lost myself somewhere on the journey

I used to draw. I used to paint. I used to write. I used to write poetry. I used to write lyrics. 

I used to express myself artistically.
I used to express myself through my hands.
Let the art and thoughts come to life through my hands. 

But now… I’ve lost myself. 
I’ve died inside. 

I look back and I get upset. 
Upset at how I no longer do these things. 
Things I used to enjoy. 
Things I enjoy. 

Time. 

Time is what has let me turn my back to myself. 
It’s all about time. 

So much to do. 
So little time to do what I want to do. 

Most of my time and energy goes on things I don’t want it to. 
Things that I have to do, but don’t like. 

They’re slowly killing me. 
All I think about is time. 

Only one year left till I graduate. 
Then I’ll have time.
Time to draw. 
Time to paint. 
Time to write. 
Time to travel. 

But will I? 

Money. 

Money makes the world go round. 
Money doesn’t in itself bring you happiness – I agree. 
But money brings you freedom. Financial freedom. And that can bring you happiness. 

Who doesn’t want to be free? 
Not be tied down because of financial reasons? 
Who doesn’t want to do what their heart desires, rather than what their economy needs. 

Money makes the world go round. 
Education brings in good amount of money. 
Education is a pain. 
No pain no game. 
No pain no gain. 

It’s an evil circle. That traps your soul… 

At least the soul of the creative ones. Here lies no safety. 
You can’t depend on money coming in from creativity – unless you’re lucky. 

“You have to have a ‘real’ education and a steady job” 

You have to pay your bills. 
You have to… 

Money is essential to surviving in this world we live in. 
Nothing is free. 

Seems like not even kindness is free anymore… 

What a world. 
What a life. 

All I think about now is time. 
I just want to finish my bachelor. Then figure out what I want. 
I’ll take a year off to work and figure things out. 

But I wonder… Will I find happiness? 
Will I have time? 
Will I have time to unfold artistically? 
Will I have time and opportunity to evolve artistically? 

Or will working drain me? 
Just as my studies do? 

Will I ever have time? 
Will I ever have the energy? 

“success is about dedication. You may not be where you want to be or do what you want to do when you’re on the journey. But you’ve got to be willing to have vision and foresight that leads you to an incredible end.”
– Usher 

 

I love this quote. It really puts words to my situation. Its perfect . I love it. 

At the moment this quote is what I’m thinking… I’m not where I want to be yet, but Im only on the journey to getting where I want… 

I have to do what I do now, to achieve what I vision later… 

That’s just reality. 

 

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