Heartache

I feel like my heart is bleeding. 

Oh god. 

I think I’ve fallen ? 

Have I? 

you should: 

“Love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely”

I don’t think I was lonely… I might’ve felt lonesome from time to time… 

Am I ready? 
I kept thinking, “No, you’re not ready to be in a relationship. You still need to explore. Meet different guys. Meet someone who’s ‘perfect’. Someone that lives up to everything 100%, even as far as looks go.” 

No really. Does it even matter? I find flaws everywhere. Perfection doesn’t exist, and it doesn’t exist in my world at all. 

Now … Crossed borders, to see this guy. 
It had only been 2 weeks since I had last seen him, when I landed. Yet, I couldn’t wait to see him. Maybe I was holiday high, maybe it was the excitement, it was something different… Something that wasn’t easily accessible if I should put it like that… 

I have no idea, all I know is, that he caught my attention from the very beginning. All I know is that this boy, is… So sweet. He appreciates every little thing I do for him. 

When I stroke his neck, while he’s driving… 
The way I kiss him… 
The way I act around the people that matter to him… 

I made him a fruit salad, he was so happy and grateful. I just thought, it’s just a fruit salad? 
But to him it was much more. 

I’ve never felt that appreciated. 

He told everyone about the things I did for him… 

It was crazy to me. 

But now that I think about it. I see how it shows how much he appreciated the little things… 

I miss him. 

I really like him. 

Let’s call him Olly. He’s my number 4. 

I think I’m in love? He’s on my mind all the time. 
All I want is to kiss his neck and hug him. And have him by my side… 
Unfortunately we live so far from one another… Why … 

The sex was good. I can’t lie. 

 

… I don’t know what to do. I feel … So weird. So sad. 
It’s only been a day and a half. 
I miss him so much… 
I haven’t even known him for that long. I’ve only known him for 3 weeks. 

I can’t believe that in 3 weeks, he’s made me feel like this… 

I still can’t figure out if I’m in love or not. I know I like him… 
And the way I’m feeling now that I’m home… Well that makes me think I might be in love. 
But then again I don’t know… Maybe I’m holding back, because of the distance… 

I think it’s too late to back out now… 
But the distance is killing me, already. 

Tears run down my cheek whilst I’m writing this. 
My heart is aching. 
A clump in my throat. 
All I want to do right now is cry. 

But I can’t. I have to study. I have an exam tomorrow. An exam I haven’t studied for… I hope I pass. 
I only have a couple of hours to figure it all out… 
Yet I don’t care… 
All I care about is him. 
That’s so stupid… But I can’t help it. All I want, is to book another flight ASAP. Just so it’s not a maybe, but a definite yes, that I will see him again… That I will see him soon. 

If I could I would leave after the exam tomorrow. But that’s not reality. I have work. I have lectures. I have bills to pay. I got responsibilities. 

I always dream of running. 
Leaving my home. 
Leaving this place. 
Go somewhere else. 
Although he doesn’t live where I imagine myself going. Even though I could never move to live there, because it’s not much different from where I already am… 
Then it’s still nice, to be somewhere else. Somewhere different. Away from everything and everyone. And just be with him. 

I feel tempted to say I love him. 
But I think it’s too early for that. I think the word I’m searching for is in love and not love. 
I don’t know. Feels like I’ve known him for longer. I know I don’t know him 100% or everything about him, I know that. Yet the connection that we have… 

I don’t know. 

I just know that right now I can’t get him off my mind. 
And being away from him is bringing tears to my eyes… 
That’s all I know… 

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