Love. Independence. Life.

It’s hard to stand on your own. 

It’s hard to be alone. 

It’s even harder when you wish to share your life with someone. 

Brings sadness to my mind, tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. 

Tear after tear. 

I wonder if this is what I want. 

Tear after tear. 

I wonder if I should just give up. 

Give up because I’m scared. 

Give up to see if you really care. 

Give up to prove to me that you give a damn. 

Maybe it’s childish. 

Maybe it’s cruel. 

I can’t figure it out. 

I don’t know what I want. 

I don’t know what I don’t want. 

I don’t know what to do. 

All I know is that currently my heart belongs to you. 

All I know is that being in your arms right now would do me so much good. 

All I know is that I feel alone. 

I need somebody to love. 

I need to be loved. 

I need to be cared for. 

I show my love by taking care of you. 

But in the end I seek someone who will take care of me (too). 

I’m done with being a mother for a supposedly man. 

That’s where my fear lies. 

I don’t want to repeat history. 

I might just as well choose my past instead then. 

Being independent is not always full of joy, glory or pride. 

Independence is great. But it can bring you loneliness. 

You can and therefore do everything on your own. You miss out. It’s a lonely place to be. Whilst it’s great to be ABLE to do everything yourself. It’s really lonely to actually do everything yourself. 
It’s nice to have someone. It’s nice. It’s not something you NEED in terms of getting on with your life, but its nice, it’s something I WANT. 

 

It’s difficult. 

I have a weakness for love. 

Maybe it’s because I have a certain vision of life. 

I can’t figure out where to find happiness. 

Right now, this moment, all I know is that I’m sad. 

I’m sad being apart from Olly. 
It makes the tears roll down my cheeks. 

I can’t figure out if it’s love? 
Is it the illusion? 
Is it something else? 
Is this really something? Or am I making it something it’s not? 
Do I wish for love so much that I am faking it to myself? 
I cannot figure it out. 
All I know is that we’re far apart. Which makes my heart bleed. 

My thoughts are with him day and night. From the moment I wake up, to the time I close my eyes and enter the land of dreams. 

I think of nothing else. 
I daydream of nothing else. 
All I want is to be in his arms. 
A hug. 
A kiss. 
Cuddle. 
To feel loved. 
To feel like we’re the only ones in the world. 
To feel like nothing else matter but us. 

I want to find happiness. 
I want true love. 

 

Sometimes I wonder if guys like me for me, or for what they see. 
Do they fall in love with my mind or my looks…
It’s awful. 
Makes me feel like I’m not good enough as a person.
Like my looks make up for all the flaws I have. 

I don’t know… 

I wonder and over-think too much. 

I can’t help it. 

Sometimes I think my wishes are simple. 
But perhaps they’re not. 
Although they kind of are. 

I wonder if a child will make me happy. 
If I child will give me what I need. 
If a child will full fill the need I have of giving love and receiving it. 

But financially I am neither ready or stabile enough for a child yet. 
Also I would never want to make a child without knowing the father would take part. 
I want to raise my child with a husband by my side. 
I dream of that perfect family picture. 

Then I fear… That I might not be able to have children. 
That would be the absolute worst. Seeing that I love kids and having my own would be the absolute biggest gift in the world and in life. A gift I would love to receive. 
I hope I am one of the fortunate. 
I really do. 

 

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