Im a mess…

Im hot … Then Im cold…

Im starting to think that I don’t really want to get in a relationship with number 4 aka Olly…
I think I actually might not even want anything to do with him…

Problem 1: I booked a flight almost as soon as I got home from the last trip.
Problem 2: I was really high on … I don’t know? Some hormone of a kind.
Problem 3: I’m going there this thursday.

Now I can’t figure out if I’m turning cold because of the distance?
Will feelings etc come back when I see him?
Am I turning cold, because Im scared? Because I wanna go?
Is it because Im not ready to commit?
I have no idea…
I just know , that Im not feeling the thought that much anymore…
At least not right this moment…

Fuck.

That’s all I’m thinking.
Here I am thinking that I’m not in a relationship.
But Im not dating others either, because I don’t test different waters at the same time…
But in his mind we’re in a relationship… And he’s madly in love. And in his mind, he dreams of marrying me, and Im the girl of his dreams…

Fuck.

Why do I get myself into this kind of shit all the time…
Although, I guess its  not my fault… Its not my fault that he feels how he feels.
I would never intentionally hurt someone…
But now Im starting to wonder is it lust or love?
Was it all lust?
And now whatever was there is gone?

Guess I can’t tell till I see him…

This trip will be the deal breaker… Either I won’t want to see him again, or we’ll be in a relationship…

But to be honest , I’m not sure I’m ready to commit…
I want to travel, I want to be free… Meet people. Make out with whomever I want, not that that’s the most important thing. But if I want to, I want to be able to do so…
But then again … If this guy is what I want and right for me… Then all that won’t really matter, will it?

Oh gee… At least this one lives across the border and not in the same city as me.

… I feel really bad about feeling like this…
I can’t figure out if its just the stress and fear of commitment and hurt… The distance…
or if this is just how I really feel… If the whole ‘phase’ has passed and Im back to normal…

Time will tell. As I keep telling myself with everything…

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