Doubt

When doubt doesn’t leave your mind …

Yea.
It’s not that great.
The saying in punctuation was always ‘when in doubt, leave it out’…

Does the same go for anything else ?

I know that when I’m in doubt about a purchase, I usually leave it, I don’t buy it – in case I’ll regret it.

Does the same go for love though? Relationships?

I feel like it kinda should imply to everything right? Or no?

I really want to give Olly a chance… But I just feel like … I don’t know.
Perhaps I like having A person… With emphasis on the ‘a’ … Meaning that whether it be him or someone else, doesn’t really matter much …

I’m searching for someone I can be with when I want to, need to, have sex with… But not emotionally etc. tied to…

I honestly don’t think I’m ready to ‘settle down’ or to be committed… I don’t think I want to or am ready to.

That’s what I’m starting to think about myself…

I feel like, if you don’t fit my profile… And you’re not perfect… Then I’m out.
And I know no one is perfect, but for me to be willing or ready to settle – then that’s the criteria. Perfection. Almost.

Otherwise you’re not giving me enough reason to stay.

I’m starting to doubt that this will work…

I keep finding this I don’t like and kinda comparing it to my last (and first and only) relationship. I compare him to my ex. Now whilst I want to kiss Olly and have sex with him, which I didn’t with my ex, then I feel like everything else is perhaps the same…

I don’t know. Perhaps I expect too much. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I expect much, but I don’t know. Sometimes it’s hard to critique yourself. Either way, if my expectations are too high – again its because I need reason to stay. Because I look for reasons to run.

I don’t feel like I’m capable of loving … And thereby not capable of being loved.
I’m not sure what it is…

But there is this one thing that has just stuck to my mind, it was a video by Tyrese Gibson… Where he talks about infidelity, cheating…

Not that I belong in that category… But it was just the fact that he was saying when someone is curious (thirsty?) they will cheat no matter how perfect their partner is. Because its inevitable, if you’re curious you’ll feed that curiosity…

Now for me it won’t be about cheating. It will be about committing…
It made me think, as long as I’m curious I won’t be able to really commit.
As long as I wonder about what there is out there?
Does the ‘perfect’ man exist?
I mean I’ve heard it more than once now that I am perfect.
That I’m the perfect woman.
So if I can be more than one persons perfect woman, then there has to be a perfect man for me too? Right?

Or is it because I’m searching for perfect, that I strive to be myself? Im not sure…

All I know is that doubt is over me.

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