Close one chapter, to start a new.

Today I realized that it’s not really possible to be friends with you ex… At least not for me.

Because whilst I have moved on emotionally – meaning I am not stuck in the thought of being with him, he has not.
He hopes that we will get back together, in his mind I am the one.
Which is why it makes it near impossible for us to be friends. It’s just not a good idea. He has to understand that it’s over. It’s been a year already…
To him it feels like it wasn’t that long ago… Honestly … I don’t feel the same. So much has happened since then… And I think I might be feeling like I’m ready to move on. Like really move on. Not just have sex with someone, but to actually let go of the whole ‘Im not sure I’m ready’-thing …

I dont feel anything towards my ex in anyway at all. At all.

Which can only mean one thing, Im over it. I’ve moved on.

I don’t even feel like I have an interest in involving him in my life. I am actually at a point where I don’t care if he’s a part of my life, where I used to actually care about that… Now I dont…
Of course its a shame and kind of ‘complicated’ due to the large group of people that we both know… After all we do have 90 something mutual friends according to Facebook.

But … I’m ready to let go. And I can feel he’s still hanging in there. He hasn’t let go, he doesn’t want to… He act like he’s a player, macho man whatever you wanna call it, but really he’s still stuck …

I will have to tell him sooner or later – that I’ve moved on…
Not sure what the reaction will be … Hopefully he will try to move on too though… I hope.

At this point I’ve just realized that it’s not my responsibility or a burden for me to take regarding his feelings… I’ve already ended the relationship. I can’t do anything else. I used to be scared about him seeing me with a guy or his friends seeing me and that they would tell him … But now … I honestly dont care, it’s not my job to care about that. It is what it is. I am not cheating. I am single. I am allowed to date. I am allowed to move on.

I think I’ve just felt guilty. Guilty for making him heartbroken. And like I owed him something because of that. Owed him to not move on. Owed him to tell him when I do move on … Because in the beginning he asked me to tell him… But it’s been a year now, I feel like that ‘promise’ has expired. I will tell him. But I no longer feel obligated to keep it secret so he doesn’t find out until I tell him … I no longer feel like I have to hide in public – just in case he’ll find out.

I don’t owe him. I don’t owe anyone. I owe myself.

I owe myself to be happy, I owe myself to try. I don’t owe anyone else anything. My life is for me to live, not for me to live for others. I am free.

Today, I feel free. I feel like I’ve let go of the guilt. I feel like I no longer really care about pleasing everyone – because you never can. So I have decided that pleasing myself comes first. I don’t come second. I can come second once in a while – in a relationship or when it comes to my future children – but thats it.

I have to close a chapter, write the ending, in order to start a new one.

I have closed the chapter for myself now. I just need to close it for my ex too, soon – and that’s when the new chapter will truly begin. When I get him off my back.

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Being in love.

Am I in love?

Honestly I think it’s difficult to say … Although I think I kind of am…
He’s on my mind constantly, I can just cuddle with him all day… Time passes so fast with him… I want to kiss him every 5 minutes… And he makes me smile.

Does my heart go crazy and fucked up and nervous and all that… No I don’t think so… But he puts a smile on my face, and every time we part – I can’t wait for the next time we see each other.

I don’t like to kiss in public. Maybe I’ve mentioned that before… But one thing is doing it outside of the border of where I live – I guess you don’t care too much then, because you’re a ‘stranger’ … But somehow when I’m within the borders, it’s not the same… I don’t like to kiss in public.
I think it’s awkward when people look… Even now. When I notice them looking at least… Anyway… Point being, that I want to kiss him all the time… And it’s like the world fades away… I don’t notice anyone around us… Which I guess is the only reason why I would want to kiss in public..

I don’t know… I feel happy right now.

I can’t tell where this will lead… But I know he’s really excited and happy about everything too…

We didn’t kiss till end of date 3.
He wasn’t even going to. I went for it. I wanted to kiss him.

God… What a pleasant surprise. Soft lips, soft kiss, soft tongue. YES!
No stiff tongue, wet face or anything like that.
Our timing isn’t perfect, but I guess that takes a little time?

But yea… It’s great…
No sex. Till we decide to commit. Which I guess is fine. Will kinda keep me on a leash too… Maybe I need that.
I’m not sure…

I’m not sure at all of what I need or want… To me it’s more like: if it comes my way I’ll know…

All I know right now is that I’ve met a really sweet guy and I really fancy him.

It has only been 2 weeks since we had contact and just 10 days since our first date… Yet it feels like it’s longer. Also weird how he’s made me feel in such a short time.
With this one we didn’t kiss right away and so on … So it wasn’t lust that drove it…

There was no sexual tension or anything – which is important…
Yet I still really wanted to see him. Talk to him. Couldn’t get enough of talking to him…
It feels different to Olly.
Luke is much more mature, we’re more alike… And he’s more in the same lane as me. Where Olly and I really were completely different. From different class, lifestyles and everything really… I don’t know. Comparing it, I don’t feel like it’s the same…

I hope the connection between us only gets stronger and stronger, and doesn’t just crumble and fall apart. Why? I’m not sure. Well yea… Would be nice with a partner.. But besides that…
He’s so sweet… I know he will treat me right. He is so kind and caring in a way I haven’t seen before.
But everything is new… I can only have an opinion about what I’ve seen so far…

And all I can say right now is: so far, so good.

I am a big mystery …

Even to myself…

Honestly I don’t even understand myself – so how could anyone else ?

I randomly stumbled across this quote:

“She’s so beautiful
yet so sad

Always saying no one
will ever love her,
and yet when somebody tell her
that they love her she runs and hides

Silly girl,
they love you,
you just dont love yourself.”
– H.s.

I love this … I feel like it’s kinda me … But I wonder… Do I love myself?
Or is it something else?

I don’t hate myself, but sometimes I do wonder … Do I love myself? And how do you know? And what does it mean to love yourself?

I don’t think I’m perfect, there are things about me that I like – and dislike.
So … Where does the loving yourself come in? And how do you love yourself?

Maybe , since I don’t know the answers to these questions, then I don’t love myself?

I honestly have no idea…

I just know that I’m always hot and cold…

I meet so many guys… And they’re all very nice and so on … Yet I have yet not accomplished falling.
I did fall for my ex though – but I won’t lie… It took a while. I was just patient. I was needy for love and safety. So I stuck it out, till I fell in love…

I didn’t fall for his looks, because he really wasn’t that good-looking back then… I feel for what he did for me, how he made me feel…

The new guy that I’m dating, lets call him Luke… Well … He’s nice and everything… And I was kinda hyped on him… But now it’s kinda starting to wear off? Maybe because I’m stressed about my studies? I don’t know…

We’re going to the movies later today …
And out for dinner tomorrow…

I really hope something will change about how I feel right now…
But then again, why?
It’s like I have an obsession with having a guy in my life…
Really I should be thinking, if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work…
But it also has to do with confrontations… I am so bad at those. And rejections… I really don’t know how to do those things… Gosh …

There are some things I need to change about myself…
But lets see, as I always say … Time will tell…

Nothing to stress about.

Time…

Time doesn’t wait.
Time passes no matter what.
And we can’t change it. We can’t go back.
We can’t freeze it either…

For every year that passes I am getting older and older. Yes of course I am. But lately that has scared me…

All the years up to the age of 18 seem to take an eternity. It’s like time passes by so slow, too slow. We forget to enjoy those years because all we want is to grow up fast. Reach 18 and be adults – by law, at least.

But what happenes after 18 is that the years seem to fly by. Sometimes not even knowing where time has gone. You wake up one day and it feels like it was only a year or two ago that you turned 18 or even 20… But it’s not…

I keep thinking… I’ve only had 1 boyfriend. I am at an age where I feel like my next partner will be my life partner. Not that I can foresee the future and that everything will work out, no. But as in the vision for me and my next partner is that we’re going to have kids and be together forever. Not that all relationships shouldn’t be based on that intention – but I got my first boyfriend at the age of 17, so back then marriage was kinda far from my thoughts. Not as real as they are now…

I feel like the clock is kind of ticking – according to my own plan. I feel like you need to be with someone for some years before you get married etc.
The clock is ticking in terms of children. My vision is to have my first child before the age of 30. So I don’t really have many years to play with, in terms of relationships… That’s just what I think.

It’s not like I have this vision and I’m unwilling to move away from it. But it’s a goal, I guess… And of course I will strive to reach that goal, but if it doesn’t go like that, then it doesn’t go like that.
I change my plans accordingly. I don’t fixate. It’s just a goal, an idea, that I have.

To move away from my general mindset into my life…

I was seeing that guy, the ‘long’ distance guy, Olly. Well I decided to break it off. I wasn’t really feeling it so much after the last visit.
I didn’t really have ‘love-like’ feelings. I mean I cared about him and all that. But I didn’t feel in love or excited.
I guess it was lust and not love. And there’s only so far that lust can take you.
Which for me was a week of sex and then it wore off.

So I’ll be honest, it was just the sex. For me. And an experience too. But nothing else.
I might’ve thought I was in love, but I just think I was lusting really. Sometimes we seek short term security and ‘love’, or what feels like love. Someone to cuddle, someone to talk to… But really none of it is real. And it doesn’t take long before it wears off and you wake up…

So now I am seeing someone else.
This one is way different.

It’s someone I used to go to school with back in the day.
We never talked or anything.
I had a boyfriend, so I wasn’t really interested in talking either.
At the time he was seeing one of my friends (whome I am not friends with anymore) for a short while, or fooling around, I don’t really know… Anyway, this was really the only reason why I even know of him.

He messaged me and we started talking.
Apparently he had always had an eye for me, but I was already taken.

Anyway after messaging for some days, he couldn’t wait. He wanted to see me and asked me out.
So we went out.
I was really worried about it being awkward. I hadn’t been on a date like that for ages. Literally.
The last ‘date’ I went on was on my holiday. Which doesn’t really count in the same way…
Otherwise I haven’t been on a date since my ex-boyfriend really.
I don’t count hanging out at someones house as a date…

So, we went on a date. And I was kinda nervous about how conversation would be. I was scared it would be awkward or something like that. Although our text-conversations were fine – but these days you don’t know what to expect IRL compared to behind the screen…

But to my surprise we had a really lovely time. We were at the cafe for 5 hours. Just talking.
We had to leave because the place was closing – and I had to get up early the next day.
It was really lovely.

When I came home, I was really happy.
It had been a good date.

We kept on messaging.

And 4 days after we met again.
This time a different scene.
At a club.
He doesn’t usually go out, but there was a concert event at the club and he and his business partner (friend) had special invite tickets with a +1. His friend really wanted to go and was bringing his girlfriend, so he asked me if I wanted to join him… And so I did.

Not long passed before we were ready to go. We only stayed around 2-3 hrs.
Clearly this wasn’t our scene. There were so many people and we didn’t really care about the concert. We just wanted to spend time together…

So I guess you could call that date no. 2.

We’re going for a 3rd date this coming week. We’re going out for dinner.
Im really excited.
Let’s see what happens :)!