Close one chapter, to start a new.

Today I realized that it’s not really possible to be friends with you ex… At least not for me.

Because whilst I have moved on emotionally – meaning I am not stuck in the thought of being with him, he has not.
He hopes that we will get back together, in his mind I am the one.
Which is why it makes it near impossible for us to be friends. It’s just not a good idea. He has to understand that it’s over. It’s been a year already…
To him it feels like it wasn’t that long ago… Honestly … I don’t feel the same. So much has happened since then… And I think I might be feeling like I’m ready to move on. Like really move on. Not just have sex with someone, but to actually let go of the whole ‘Im not sure I’m ready’-thing …

I dont feel anything towards my ex in anyway at all. At all.

Which can only mean one thing, Im over it. I’ve moved on.

I don’t even feel like I have an interest in involving him in my life. I am actually at a point where I don’t care if he’s a part of my life, where I used to actually care about that… Now I dont…
Of course its a shame and kind of ‘complicated’ due to the large group of people that we both know… After all we do have 90 something mutual friends according to Facebook.

But … I’m ready to let go. And I can feel he’s still hanging in there. He hasn’t let go, he doesn’t want to… He act like he’s a player, macho man whatever you wanna call it, but really he’s still stuck …

I will have to tell him sooner or later – that I’ve moved on…
Not sure what the reaction will be … Hopefully he will try to move on too though… I hope.

At this point I’ve just realized that it’s not my responsibility or a burden for me to take regarding his feelings… I’ve already ended the relationship. I can’t do anything else. I used to be scared about him seeing me with a guy or his friends seeing me and that they would tell him … But now … I honestly dont care, it’s not my job to care about that. It is what it is. I am not cheating. I am single. I am allowed to date. I am allowed to move on.

I think I’ve just felt guilty. Guilty for making him heartbroken. And like I owed him something because of that. Owed him to not move on. Owed him to tell him when I do move on … Because in the beginning he asked me to tell him… But it’s been a year now, I feel like that ‘promise’ has expired. I will tell him. But I no longer feel obligated to keep it secret so he doesn’t find out until I tell him … I no longer feel like I have to hide in public – just in case he’ll find out.

I don’t owe him. I don’t owe anyone. I owe myself.

I owe myself to be happy, I owe myself to try. I don’t owe anyone else anything. My life is for me to live, not for me to live for others. I am free.

Today, I feel free. I feel like I’ve let go of the guilt. I feel like I no longer really care about pleasing everyone – because you never can. So I have decided that pleasing myself comes first. I don’t come second. I can come second once in a while – in a relationship or when it comes to my future children – but thats it.

I have to close a chapter, write the ending, in order to start a new one.

I have closed the chapter for myself now. I just need to close it for my ex too, soon – and that’s when the new chapter will truly begin. When I get him off my back.

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