Was I born with cold feet?

… Now, my feet tend to get cold really easy – literally. My feet. They need to be kept warm. Once they go cold they take quite a lot to get warm … I am really literally talking about my feet right now.

So lets talk about a different type of cold feet… I really do think I love Luke. He makes me happy. He makes me more positive. He adds to me. He takes but he also gives. I really like that. That he can give me something back. He’s considerate. He’s generous. He’s just overall really good to me.

When we’re together – I’m not in doubt.

When we’re apart… I think. Too much. I start to feel like I’m getting cold feet. At least when we’re apart.

One issue is comparing. I need to stop doing that…
Comparing our relationship to others… How they are. What they do.

Why should I anyway? Our relationship is great. He treats me well…

But … I don’t know. I’m just scared I guess…

He’s meeting my family. Did I mention that? I forgot if I did or not… That’s not a small deal. It’s a big deal. A pretty big deal… Only guy that has ever been introduced to my family was my ex.

So … Yea.

I just don’t get it. Am I scared to be happy? What am I scared about?
Getting attached then dumped? In conjunction with that, becoming happy and then for my world to fall apart? I’m not sure… Really.

I would love to know. But sometimes I do wonder what it is … That makes me sometimes kind of get cold feet. It’s not the same type of cold feet that I used to get. Because before I wasn’t in doubt that it wouldn’t work… Now it’s more like because I’m scared I’m not good enough … My flaws. I feel full of them. I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m not perfect enough…
It’s weird. But I really feel like … I’m scared to get too attached. Because I know he will become my world. Which is such a bad ‘habit’… or thing, that I’ve done before. And I don’t think it’s something I can ‘not do’.
I’m scared he’ll become my everything.
I would love to spend time with him all the time… But I’m scared he wouldn’t want to. I’m scared he might not like me as much as I like him … or no… I’m sure he does.
Maybe I’m scared he might not be or get as attached as I will…

I’m not sure what it is …

Maybe it’s because I like him a lot – and I know it.

Maybe I’m just scared to love…

Maybe this goes back to my childhood… Maybe I’m scared to love because I used to love my stepdad, but he didn’t love me back …
Maybe I’m scared to love because I loved my mother, but at one point I felt like she didn’t love me back…

Maybe it’s because of being hurt from the most important people in my life. The ones that were supposed to love and protect me … Maybe its the hurt and let down from them …

I think there’s a reason in all of our pasts for the way we do things and think…
Maybe this is one of the roots to me being scared of love… I’m not sure.

I really like him. I don’t want to screw things up…

Time will show what happens next. Wherever the road takes me… I will either gain a partner, maybe for life … Or I’ll gain the experience. No matter what I gain something. I don’t lose. Essentially that is … The only thing is, I will either gain something with happiness or something with temporary sadness…

The three golden words.

The three golden words: “I Love You”.

They take up so little space in writing, but so much space in your heart and mind.

Now with guy no. 4 aka Olly, he told me that he loved me. Several times. And I told him several times that I couldn’t say it back … So I would just smile and say nothing. I didn’t want to say it just to say it and I wasn’t sure of the feeling either. Plus – I wasn’t ready to commit to him either – so why would I say that I love him … So I didn’t. I dont regret not saying it, I’m happy I didn’t say it just to say it… I think thats wrong. Talking about that guy now – he texted me saying ‘merry christmas’… I didn’t reply. Nor open the message – so he couldn’t see that I’ve seen it. I’ve deleted his number, deleted him from instagram and snapchat. The only place I haven’t deleted him is on facebook.  Anyway … Enough about him.

I am talking about “I Love You” now because Luke told me he loves me. A couple of days ago that was…
I feel so intensely about him if you can say that… And I was wondering if saying ‘I love you’ was too early. So I never said it. Because … Yea… You’re always careful about those kinds of things?

Anyway … I told him I was really fond of him… So he said, “you’ve told me you’re fond of me, you really really like me, is there anything else you want to say?” …

I laughed, “maybe”.

Now I don’t remember exactly how this next part went down… But he said something like, I would say I love you, but Im waiting for the time when you’re ready.

And I asked, what do you mean when I’m ready?

Well I dont want you to freak out or anything like that.

And I replied, I am ready, dont worry.

“Well… I love you”. He said.

I kissed him. I was really happy. I realized though I didn’t say I love you back. I don’t know why I didn’t. I kind of forgot because I was just in the moment. Remembering five minutes after that I didn’t say it back… I couldn’t say ‘oh btw I love you too’ .. That would’ve just killed it. I did tell him in text though, I hope he didn’t notice that I actually didn’t get to say the words ‘I love you too’ … But perhaps he did.. Oh well. Small details. But stupid! So stupid. I feel like I ruined it.
Ruined because I always seek perfection. But life isn’t perfect. So I just have to deal with it.

But I guess this means that we’re ‘an item’ ‘a couple’ ‘a pair’ ‘an us’ … Although we haven’t officially DTR yet… Not in direct words at least… Oh well. Who cares. We’re together and happy. That’s all that matters.

He’s meeting my family in a week – for NYE dinner.
Can’t wait to see how it will be, what my family will think and what he’ll think of my family … Kind of nervous too. He’s only the second person I’ll ever have brought home…

As I always say – Time Will Tell.

I really hope Time Will Tell me , or rather reassure me that he’s my one.
I don’t know why, but I just feel like he should be my life partner.
I am content, I am happy with him … I don’t feel like I need to look further for anyone else. I mean, I feel like he’s enough … Right now at least. For my own sake I hope that won’t change.
I could picture us being happy together ‘forever’… I hope I don’t change my mind. Which is one of the fears I have – because that’s how I am …
But… Just the fact that I feel like this already makes me think this is not like any other situation or guy or relationship … This is something different. So I think. So I wish to believe.

Let’s see … Time will tell.

Paris – the city of romance

“I’m thinking we should go to Paris in the new year. I wanted to do it as a surprise, but I’m thinking that might be a bad idea because of work and studies.”

“Wow :o” I replied. “Yes it would’ve been bad, especially with work – since they’re not flexible at all.”

“Great to know! That’s what I thought. I’m thinking we should go for 3-4 days, I’ll find the dates till then.”

“I am speechless” I replied “I can’t believe you. You’re amazing. You keep surprising me all the time. Just like when you randomly showed up at my door with a big bouquet of flowers.”

“Yea, well I just felt like it that day. I’m glad it made you happy, good surprises are priceless.”

OMG!

Is this guy even real?

Am I dreaming?

What’s going on?

He’s amazing. He puts in so much effort… I’ve never experienced that. I love that. I really do. I feel like a queen. I hope this never ends. If he’s gonna be like that forever… I think we would get that happy ever after ending.

I am usually the one that puts in the effort – too much effort. The one that treats the man like a king. I cook, clean and all sorts. For once someone is putting in the effort for me. Just for ME. It brings tears to my eyes. I feel loved. I feel like for once I am not just a trophy. I feel appreciated.

I love this feeling. ❤

I AM;

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I AM happy
I AM strong
I AM loyal
I AM trustworthy
I AM honest
I AM open-minded
I AM determined
I AM a striver
I AM a sister
I AM a daughter
I AM an opportunist
I AM creative
I AM cultural
I AM curious
I AM a leader
I AM loving
I AM helpful
I AM polite
I AM kind
I AM passionate
I AM empathetic
I AM understanding
I AM independant

I AM ME

What are YOU?

Birthday

As promised I would tell you about my birthday …

I almost forgot really. So busy with so many things, so busy being happy too …
I feel so free… I can’t even explain !

Anyway …

He sent me flowers.

A beautiful big bouquet of flowers arrived at my door.

A card. A card which he had ‘designed’. He had chosen a picture, that needed to be printed on to the card.
A picture of two hands holding.

“Happy birthday! See you later tonight. One Love”

Cute.

He came to pick me up.

He had a present.

I had a feeling about what it was.

And surely when I opened it – I was right.

A pair of shoes. Yes… I love shoes. And these shoes aren’t exactly cheap. They’re not Louboutin expensive, but they’re still pretty expensive. For someone who hasn’t know me for long… Well he sure as hell isn’t cheap – I can tell you that.

Anyway…

Off we were, for dinner.

A small, intimate hidden restaurant in the city.

French cuisine.

We had a three-course dinner.

Who cares. I was just happy to see him.

The food was fine. The atmosphere was great. It was good.
But I was just happy to see him.

When we’re apart, I don’t care too much – which is good. I mean I’m not in heartache or anything. Life goes on.
Which is good. Because that means – to me at least, that it’s not because I am in need of him. Don’t get me wrong, it just means that the reason why I am seeing him has nothing to do with being lonely… Or needing to have someone there.
It means that I really like him. For him. So far that is.

Anyway … When I am with him I love it. I love to cuddle and kiss. Could kiss him forever.
I really do think we could make it. But I cannot know of course. All I know … Is that so far we’re really good together, and we’re happy and pleased. We are really fond of one another.
It feels good.
It feels different.

Let’s see where this leads me to…

1 year.

1 year has passed since my first post.

one year. 12 months. 365 days.

It feels weird. I can’t believe it’s been one year already …

Times flies so fast, so you have to make sure you make the best of it.

Keep in mind that your life is yours. Although it may sound silly – trust me, it’s not.
What I mean by this, is that you have to live for you. Don’t live for that one friend, or the other friend, or that ex boy/girl-friend, your mother, father, sister, brother, whoever it may be.
Yes, have them in your life if they’re important, love them – and all that. But don’t LIVE for them.
You’ll never be happy if you live for someone else. You have to find your own way, instead of always trying to help others find their way. That’s where I am now. I want to live for me. I want to move forward in my life. I no longer want to make decisions based on other peoples thoughts or feelings. I don’t care anymore. It’s about me.
If I’m happy with it, then that’s all that matter.
Me.

It’s not about being selfish, it’s about putting myself first. Like everyone else does.
I am here to find my own happiness and peace.
I want to be happy. I choose happiness. I choose me.

Birthday alert

The problem has never been getting someone to be interested in me.
Guys are interested in me, I’m not sure why. I guess I am easy to talk to?

It’s easy for guys to fall for me, the problem is it’s not for me.
Though, I am starting to wonder if I have fallen or not…
Leaning towards the thought, that I might’ve…

Anyway, Birthday alert.
Not his. Mine.
We’re going out for dinner.
He reserved tables 2 weeks ago.
Yea really… 2 weeks ago.
It’s only been 3 weeks since our first date.
It’s amazing where we are already. Doesn’t feel like weeks, feels like months… I don’t know. It’s weird.
But anyway … update on the birthday day will be posted.

Let’s see what happens. 🙂