The three golden words.

The three golden words: “I Love You”.

They take up so little space in writing, but so much space in your heart and mind.

Now with guy no. 4 aka Olly, he told me that he loved me. Several times. And I told him several times that I couldn’t say it back … So I would just smile and say nothing. I didn’t want to say it just to say it and I wasn’t sure of the feeling either. Plus – I wasn’t ready to commit to him either – so why would I say that I love him … So I didn’t. I dont regret not saying it, I’m happy I didn’t say it just to say it… I think thats wrong. Talking about that guy now – he texted me saying ‘merry christmas’… I didn’t reply. Nor open the message – so he couldn’t see that I’ve seen it. I’ve deleted his number, deleted him from instagram and snapchat. The only place I haven’t deleted him is on facebook.  Anyway … Enough about him.

I am talking about “I Love You” now because Luke told me he loves me. A couple of days ago that was…
I feel so intensely about him if you can say that… And I was wondering if saying ‘I love you’ was too early. So I never said it. Because … Yea… You’re always careful about those kinds of things?

Anyway … I told him I was really fond of him… So he said, “you’ve told me you’re fond of me, you really really like me, is there anything else you want to say?” …

I laughed, “maybe”.

Now I don’t remember exactly how this next part went down… But he said something like, I would say I love you, but Im waiting for the time when you’re ready.

And I asked, what do you mean when I’m ready?

Well I dont want you to freak out or anything like that.

And I replied, I am ready, dont worry.

“Well… I love you”. He said.

I kissed him. I was really happy. I realized though I didn’t say I love you back. I don’t know why I didn’t. I kind of forgot because I was just in the moment. Remembering five minutes after that I didn’t say it back… I couldn’t say ‘oh btw I love you too’ .. That would’ve just killed it. I did tell him in text though, I hope he didn’t notice that I actually didn’t get to say the words ‘I love you too’ … But perhaps he did.. Oh well. Small details. But stupid! So stupid. I feel like I ruined it.
Ruined because I always seek perfection. But life isn’t perfect. So I just have to deal with it.

But I guess this means that we’re ‘an item’ ‘a couple’ ‘a pair’ ‘an us’ … Although we haven’t officially DTR yet… Not in direct words at least… Oh well. Who cares. We’re together and happy. That’s all that matters.

He’s meeting my family in a week – for NYE dinner.
Can’t wait to see how it will be, what my family will think and what he’ll think of my family … Kind of nervous too. He’s only the second person I’ll ever have brought home…

As I always say – Time Will Tell.

I really hope Time Will Tell me , or rather reassure me that he’s my one.
I don’t know why, but I just feel like he should be my life partner.
I am content, I am happy with him … I don’t feel like I need to look further for anyone else. I mean, I feel like he’s enough … Right now at least. For my own sake I hope that won’t change.
I could picture us being happy together ‘forever’… I hope I don’t change my mind. Which is one of the fears I have – because that’s how I am …
But… Just the fact that I feel like this already makes me think this is not like any other situation or guy or relationship … This is something different. So I think. So I wish to believe.

Let’s see … Time will tell.


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