Was I born with cold feet?

… Now, my feet tend to get cold really easy – literally. My feet. They need to be kept warm. Once they go cold they take quite a lot to get warm … I am really literally talking about my feet right now.

So lets talk about a different type of cold feet… I really do think I love Luke. He makes me happy. He makes me more positive. He adds to me. He takes but he also gives. I really like that. That he can give me something back. He’s considerate. He’s generous. He’s just overall really good to me.

When we’re together – I’m not in doubt.

When we’re apart… I think. Too much. I start to feel like I’m getting cold feet. At least when we’re apart.

One issue is comparing. I need to stop doing that…
Comparing our relationship to others… How they are. What they do.

Why should I anyway? Our relationship is great. He treats me well…

But … I don’t know. I’m just scared I guess…

He’s meeting my family. Did I mention that? I forgot if I did or not… That’s not a small deal. It’s a big deal. A pretty big deal… Only guy that has ever been introduced to my family was my ex.

So … Yea.

I just don’t get it. Am I scared to be happy? What am I scared about?
Getting attached then dumped? In conjunction with that, becoming happy and then for my world to fall apart? I’m not sure… Really.

I would love to know. But sometimes I do wonder what it is … That makes me sometimes kind of get cold feet. It’s not the same type of cold feet that I used to get. Because before I wasn’t in doubt that it wouldn’t work… Now it’s more like because I’m scared I’m not good enough … My flaws. I feel full of them. I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m not perfect enough…
It’s weird. But I really feel like … I’m scared to get too attached. Because I know he will become my world. Which is such a bad ‘habit’… or thing, that I’ve done before. And I don’t think it’s something I can ‘not do’.
I’m scared he’ll become my everything.
I would love to spend time with him all the time… But I’m scared he wouldn’t want to. I’m scared he might not like me as much as I like him … or no… I’m sure he does.
Maybe I’m scared he might not be or get as attached as I will…

I’m not sure what it is …

Maybe it’s because I like him a lot – and I know it.

Maybe I’m just scared to love…

Maybe this goes back to my childhood… Maybe I’m scared to love because I used to love my stepdad, but he didn’t love me back …
Maybe I’m scared to love because I loved my mother, but at one point I felt like she didn’t love me back…

Maybe it’s because of being hurt from the most important people in my life. The ones that were supposed to love and protect me … Maybe its the hurt and let down from them …

I think there’s a reason in all of our pasts for the way we do things and think…
Maybe this is one of the roots to me being scared of love… I’m not sure.

I really like him. I don’t want to screw things up…

Time will show what happens next. Wherever the road takes me… I will either gain a partner, maybe for life … Or I’ll gain the experience. No matter what I gain something. I don’t lose. Essentially that is … The only thing is, I will either gain something with happiness or something with temporary sadness…

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