Letter to Olly

Dear Olly,

I avoided you. I ignored your messages. I thought I didn’t care. I had someone else. I’m loyal.

Some circumstances today meant I had to communicate with you… It made me think. Oh boy. Why was I even having these thoughts… I cared so much for you. Still do , care about you.

Made me think of all your feelings that were involved … I feel bad. I’m sorry. But … I really did like you. Some circumstances just meant it wasn’t possible or meant to be. You’ve set your mark on me. I wont lie.

Our time together was pretty good. Im glad to have those memories. There has to be a reason why we meet the people That we do. I truly believe that. Having met you has made my life richer. Yes it has.

Why am I thinking of you right now? Is it because of our conversation? Or is it something else? I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted or needed. It wasn’t our time.

Maybe that’s what it’s all about … The time. In the end it might just be about time. Where we are mentally when we meet. If we’re somewhat the same place, then it’s the right time… I was ahead in time. So it wasn’t our time … I really wish you all of the best in life. I truly do. I wish you’ll do something with your life.

Best of luck to you Olly.

Damn you, Cold Feet!

A month ago I wrote a post about cold feet… Wondering if I was born with cold feet.

Honestly… I think I was. I’m not sure what it is. For some reason… I always go over things in my head. Wondering if everything is right. If I’ve made the right choice. Is this the right guy…
I keep thinking… Too many thoughts.

“Are we right for each other?”
“Can I live like this?”
“Can I live with him?”
“Could we make it?”
“Is he the one I will marry? Have kids with?”

I never seem to be able to set my mind straight. Im always thinking. Wondering.
Thinking about running before its too late. I want to be ahead. I want to know… I don’t know. I want to run before it becomes ‘too late’ before too many emotions are involved…
I don’t know why. But guys have to give me a reason to stay, because I will always – by instinct, find a reason to run. Always.

I have no idea where it comes from. I always seem to think of running…
I’m scared no one was ever made for me.
Scared.

Yes, Scared. That’s what I am.

I am scared… Doubtful.
I think. Too. Much.
And I can’t stop or help it. I just overthink all the time.

I don’t know. I guess maybe sometimes my standard is too high – my expectations… My imagination and expectation of ‘the perfect’ guy…
I think the issue is, I don’t even know what the hell I want myself.

I need friends. Maybe thats it. Maybe I just need friends that I can entertain myself with. So that my partner doesn’t become my everything… Although … I think that’s wrong too… Because your partner has to be your everything? Right? I mean how can you live with someone the rest of your life, unless they’re your everything. Not in an unhealthy sense, but more like… I don’t know.
Am I way off? Or really wrong?
I don’t know…
But… Damn you! Cold feet!

It’s been a while…

I’ve been really busy since the new year started.
A lot of things have been happening… Good and bad I guess.

Good, well me and Luke are good. It’s going well… He gave me a ring, a promise ring I guess. It’s kind of cute, yet kind of weird too. I dont know… I feel like rings are only for marital purposes, unless they’re big chunky fashionista rings. Like a big beautiful swarovski or like YSL or something like that, you know what I mean? … Anyway… My opinion on it. I feel like it’s a territorial kind of thing. For him to ensure that people know I’m taken… I’m not sure how I feel about that… At the same time I want people to know that I am taken without having to say so – because quite frankly I dont love it when guys hit on me. Why? Because 99.5% of the time I’m not interested… And when I am with someone I am 110% uninterested. So yea my opinion on it is kind of split…

Anyway so far so good. I mean so far we’re doing good. I can’t really foresee how things will be with us… Whether we’ll stick or not… I think we’re quite different, yet we have our similarities. I just think, as long as we treat each other right, then we might make it. I don’t think its based on how similar or different you are. It’s about the balance and about how you treat each other and how you make each other feel. It’s really about acceptance. Do you accept your partner for who and what they are?
Time will tell as I always say – although I would say so far its going really good.

Now to the bad…
Friends. Friends are sometimes the worst. Really… I mean some friends are just your friends because you’ve known them for so long… Not because they actually do shit for you. Really… I have a friend… I’ve known her for about 7 years… We weren’t close for 7 years, but we met around 7-7.5 years ago.
Anyway we started to really become friends around 6 years ago… Which is still quite long… I don’t have many friends – I’ll be honest. I don’t get along too well with most females. They just annoy me. I don’t know… I just hate fakeness, and many females are really fake… People in general are… But the thing with women is that, we just don’t get along too well… Because even before they know me, they dislike me… I don’t mean to sound arrogant or self-absorbed or anything as such – because I’m really not, but I think its because women are jealous of me… Therefor they dont like me, and therefore we don’t really get along. I don’t think women like a genuinely nice female who is not obese or ugly… Nor dumb.
Also a lot of people are just too ‘stupid’ for my liking… I mean I just can’t deal with people that are retarded or really unintelligent… I don’t want to sound like a complete asshole – but it’s the truth. I just don’t have the patience or nerve…
So who do I get along with? Guys.
Issue here is that I get along really well with guys. But I’m still a woman and they’re still men. In the end they always fall for me. Which is bad. Because when single I am not interested… And when I am taken, its inconvenient and inappropriate…

So yea, point being – my circle of friends is limited. I have friends, but not many whom I like to actually hang out with… I have a handfull of friends. But in the end I really only have one friend. One friend that I can always count on. That friend is a guy.
A guy who used to be in love with me, I’m sure he still is, and perhaps may always be.
Because of his religion he can’t have me – thank god. Because I am not interested at all. He’s not my type in that way, so I am glad there are other things that keep us apart on that level … Anyway , this is not what’s ‘important’ here. I went off topic… My friend (girl) whom I’ve been friends with for 6 years…
Oh what kind of drama I’ve had with her. She’s only my friend because I’ve known her for so long. She’s selfish and manipulating. She only cares about her and her needs and she will never take the blame for her mistakes.
I’ve given this girl so many chances, so much time and energy… I’ve given her a lot. All I’ve ever gotten back is shit…
I know , why not just cut her off? I don’t know … I mean I don’t need her in my life, but sometimes its nice to have someone to hang out with… Thats it…
But I’m done, I’m done being her friend. Im sick and tired of her. I don’t need someone who doesn’t appreciate the things I do for them…
She’s a complete ass. Haven’t talked to her for 2 weeks or so… I’m done.
And when Im done, Im done. If she wants to hang out or anything, she can contact me. I don’t need her…

I don’t need negative energy in my life… I just want to be in peace and happy. I feel like she always needs to be a dick. I think she’s someone that doesn’t wish to see me happy… I wish to see her happy, but Im not sure she feels like that on my behalf…

Anyway , I just needed to rant a little…

*Rant done*

My goals are to not have people get me down. Especially people that don’t deserve my time or friendship. Especially someone that hasn’t brought anything positive to my life. I won’t let people bring me down. Thats something that I will work on. I dont want to let people have influence on my mood and life.

No one but I , should have influence on my mood.
I seek happiness, I will try my best to make it happen, no one who’s not important is going to stand in the way of that…

Happy new year! 2015!

Hope everyone entered the new year well!

Now as far as new year resolutions go… I don’t do that kind! It’s ridiculous – to me.

Whenever I have a goal or anything as such, I just do it. I don’t need a new year to set goals. A new year is just – a new year. You grow older. Seasons start over. You celebrate the fact that the year has come to an end… And that a new one is starting. NYE is not that special to me anymore … You kind of grow out of thinking that it is? At least I have …

anyway! Happy new year.

Hope 2015 will be a great year – for all of you , and myself 🙂 !