Am I too sensitive?

I don’t know… Sometimes I wonder if my bar is set too high… Or if I’m just too sensitive…

I want to be with someone who feels like myself. I want to be with someone who wants to spend as much time with me as I want with them…

It makes me sad honestly…

Luke is thinking about moving towards the end of the year… Maybe around summer even… So about that time we almost hit ‘1 year’ … We will have been together for a year around then…

Now… He wants to move, but the consequence is that the rent will be really high… Which mean – he can’t afford it on his own…
Now he’s telling me, that he and his good friend (and ‘business partner’) are thinking of moving together…

Am I too sensitive? I kind of think thats bull… Like why would you want to move in with your friend… Why not me?

Its really bad to compare… But somehow I was emotionally more satisfied in my old relationship – and thats why I can’t stop comparing… Whilst this one is more physically satisfying … It’s not really emotionally satisfying. I don’t feel like I’m getting enough love. Isn’t that weird? He talks so much about how wonderful and beautiful I am… About this and that. And that he loves me and bla… But why is it that I hear it – and believe it… But then after a while… I don’t see it or feel it…

Honestly … Maybe Im off… But I don’t think its bad to move in together after a year…

I get that … So far I’m still new in his life. The friends he has have been there for years… But the thing is, unless he invests more… Well then I won’t stick around for long… Lets be real.

I feel like I’m taken for granted. I really do. It’s not a nice feeling to be quite frank.

I’m really on the verge of giving up and walking away… Im on the verge of saying fuck everything.
Travel to the other side of the world, where I know someone… And see if there is anything there… And if there is… Then finish my studies completely and move there. Far, far away …

The fact that my thoughts have even wondered off to that kind of scares me.

One minute I’m telling myself I’m an idiot the next I’m thinking he’s the idiot. I can’t seem to make up my mind…

Its frustrating.

You’re supposed to be together a lot in the beginnings…

I don’t know if I’ll ever find love, since I feel like I’m always being used as a trophy …
So its hard for me to distinguish between that and someone who actually loves me…

The saddest thing is that the guy I’m dating – he doesn’t put me on top of his list, doesn’t even have to be number one… But my best friend does. And until he gets married, I think I always will. I know I come after his family and religious duties. But you cannot really come before that either, as a friend at least. I know if I was dating him, I’d be at least second, after family… If not even first, together with family…

I think my expectations of life, the world and people is killing me. I think it will ruin me… be the end of me.

I really want to lower my expectations – but its hard. Its hard to lower your expectations, especially when the bar set for them are based on what you do for others yourself. When its based on reflections of yourself.

Its hard to lower expectations of others that are set by no other bar than the reflections of yourself.

Im disappointed.
I think the only thing I ever want in life is to feel important to someone.
Like I’m a vital part of their life.

I once had this person. But the problem was that there was nothing else to it than that…
I don’t crave being loved only – I wan’t to love back equally…
So in reality… I crave the love I give… And thats my reality…
So perhaps my expectations and craving make me ‘too’ sensitive…

I don’t know? Am I being rational? or totally irrational and needy?

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Will I ever be happy?

I do wonder … Perhaps even on a daily basis, if I will ever be happy… Will I ever be in love?

Oh how I really do love Luke … But … I don’t know. I doubt… I have so many doubts.

I just dont know …
I wonder if there was ever made someone for me out there…
I really do …

I feel so weird.

I feel so alone.

I’m scared I’ll never feel truly in love and satisfied.

Is it because I don’t know what I want? Or is it because I don’t have what I in fact need?
Will any man ever be enough? Or will I encounter the same thought/problems no matter what?
This is the thirds guy that I’ve kind of gotten close to… And it’s the same thoughts… I can’t seem to figure out what the hell I want and what the hell my problem is…

Is it because, I’m not happy about myself? …

I wish I had all the answers …

Upset.

It’s never about the people that are with you through the good times, it’s about those who are there through the bad.

Anyone and everyone can and want to be there when the sun is shining, but what about when the storm comes? When the sky turns grey and starts raining. When the wind comes and rages, and not much is left after. What about then?
That’s when you need someone, thats when it’s essential, that there’s someone to plant new seeds that will grow when the skies slowly disappear and the suns ray are welcome once more…

Today, Sunday February 1st 2015.
Dear Luke,
here’s a little view of the inside of my head, some thoughts… Things I can’t say, not now at least… Maybe I’ll never get to say it …
I’ve been with you the last 2 weeks, since you were injured. I came to the hospital, although it was far away from me and I didn’t have to… But I wanted to. I decided to stay in your home, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. To keep you company, since you couldn’t really go anywhere… To take care of you. I’ve cooked for you. Cared for you. Helped you.
Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, because I love you.
I basically put my life aside for you. There was training that needed to be done, which didn’t happen. I set it aside for you. Friends I was supposed to see, which I didn’t, I postponed. Things I had to do, but I didn’t, because I decided that being with you was more important…
I did it because I care.
I did it out of love.

Today.

Today I came home. Because tomorrow I have a job interview early morning. Because tomorrow I start my last semester.
Today I got some bad news and I’ve been down.
Two weeks. Two weeks is a long time of not doing anything, almost nothing. I’m on the verge. I’m glad that today was the last day of doing nothing, because quite frankly I can’t not do anything a day longer.

I’m upset. I’m upset about a lot of things…
I’m upset I haven’t worked out. I’m upset my body isn’t how I want it to be… That aside.
I’m upset about my current living condition, but I’m trying to deal best as possible.
I’m upset that life doesn’t always go the way I wish it would.
I’m upset that my so called friend, so called even best friend (girl) let’s name her Nora, is an asshole.
I’m upset that I generally don’t have that many people around me, as it seems as everyone else does.
I’m upset that I feel a little neglected by you.

I’m upset that you can find energy to go out with your friends, but you can’t with me. Now your friends might be able to pick you up by car and with me its bus or train… But you’re no longer in such bad shape that it’s impossible… Therefore I am upset.
I am upset that I’ve kind of made you my number one, but I’m not yours. I don’t feel like it anyway.

Friends are important. But so am I.
If you don’t invest enough, the payback won’t be great enough either. It really is like a financial investment. Only this one is emotional and perhaps lifelong.

I’m upset that I feel like I can’t talk to you. I want to. But I don’t feel like I can…

It upsets me how you talk and say the most amazing things, but I don’t always feel like you live up to the things you say.

Maybe we’ve spent too much time together where I’ve felt trapped… I don’t know…

Good to get a break.

But right now, I’m just upset with you…