Upset.

It’s never about the people that are with you through the good times, it’s about those who are there through the bad.

Anyone and everyone can and want to be there when the sun is shining, but what about when the storm comes? When the sky turns grey and starts raining. When the wind comes and rages, and not much is left after. What about then?
That’s when you need someone, thats when it’s essential, that there’s someone to plant new seeds that will grow when the skies slowly disappear and the suns ray are welcome once more…

Today, Sunday February 1st 2015.
Dear Luke,
here’s a little view of the inside of my head, some thoughts… Things I can’t say, not now at least… Maybe I’ll never get to say it …
I’ve been with you the last 2 weeks, since you were injured. I came to the hospital, although it was far away from me and I didn’t have to… But I wanted to. I decided to stay in your home, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. To keep you company, since you couldn’t really go anywhere… To take care of you. I’ve cooked for you. Cared for you. Helped you.
Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, because I love you.
I basically put my life aside for you. There was training that needed to be done, which didn’t happen. I set it aside for you. Friends I was supposed to see, which I didn’t, I postponed. Things I had to do, but I didn’t, because I decided that being with you was more important…
I did it because I care.
I did it out of love.

Today.

Today I came home. Because tomorrow I have a job interview early morning. Because tomorrow I start my last semester.
Today I got some bad news and I’ve been down.
Two weeks. Two weeks is a long time of not doing anything, almost nothing. I’m on the verge. I’m glad that today was the last day of doing nothing, because quite frankly I can’t not do anything a day longer.

I’m upset. I’m upset about a lot of things…
I’m upset I haven’t worked out. I’m upset my body isn’t how I want it to be… That aside.
I’m upset about my current living condition, but I’m trying to deal best as possible.
I’m upset that life doesn’t always go the way I wish it would.
I’m upset that my so called friend, so called even best friend (girl) let’s name her Nora, is an asshole.
I’m upset that I generally don’t have that many people around me, as it seems as everyone else does.
I’m upset that I feel a little neglected by you.

I’m upset that you can find energy to go out with your friends, but you can’t with me. Now your friends might be able to pick you up by car and with me its bus or train… But you’re no longer in such bad shape that it’s impossible… Therefore I am upset.
I am upset that I’ve kind of made you my number one, but I’m not yours. I don’t feel like it anyway.

Friends are important. But so am I.
If you don’t invest enough, the payback won’t be great enough either. It really is like a financial investment. Only this one is emotional and perhaps lifelong.

I’m upset that I feel like I can’t talk to you. I want to. But I don’t feel like I can…

It upsets me how you talk and say the most amazing things, but I don’t always feel like you live up to the things you say.

Maybe we’ve spent too much time together where I’ve felt trapped… I don’t know…

Good to get a break.

But right now, I’m just upset with you…

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