Dear Luke…

I love you. But sometimes you hurt me. You make me sad. You make me upset.

Sometimes you make me happy. You make me smile. You make me laugh.

But honestly… I don’t like being sad.

If I’m sad because I miss you – well that’s life. That’s just how it is sometimes…
But sometimes you make me sad by what you say… What you do.

I feel like sometimes… I’m that ‘old fashioned’ woman that you’ve always wanted… One that can cook and clean. Please you in the bedroom…

But I feel like you don’t see me as someone to have fun with. Like I’m only a ‘pleaser’…

I’m really sorry if this is hurtful or mean. That’s just how I feel…

Like honestly. I don’t know when you’ve ever cancelled with your friends for me. Whilst I’ve done it plenty of times… Whilst I’ve done it because you made me feel guilty… Like I was an ass if I let you wait for me… Like yesterday. I was supposed to meet my friend. I cancelled. Why? Because you said ‘then I have to wait for an hour or two before you’re done… What am I supposed to do in those hours? And then dinner will be late…’ blabla… Really…

Then today we were supposed to not just be at home. But go out. Not for dinner. Just out a bit. Maybe sit at a café or something…

Didn’t happen. I was supposed to meet my friend later in the day … Didn’t happen. We were supposed to workout. But because everything else was delayed with you… I couldn’t meet with her and workout because the gym closes early… So I cancelled – once again.

But right before I remembered that the gym closes early – and that we therefore couldn’t delay our appointment, but had to cancel … You made a ‘date’ with your friends.
10 mins before I cancelled with my friend. And you couldn’t even cancel your date… Like really?

So what if you just told them? Tell them you cant. It’s not like it was planned for days ahead. Even dates planned days ahead I’ve cancelled for you.

When have you cancelled for me? I don’t recall one single time. Not one single time.

So , thank you. You make me feel so special. Like a special piece of shit. Even when you can see that I’m bothered – you ignore it. Thanks.

I want to give you the world. But you only want to give me the oceans.

That’s how I feel.

I don’t think you love me like I love you.

It hurts to say it. Sometimes there are things we don’t want to say or admit out loud. Because they hurt.

But I think that’s how it is.

Maybe I wasn’t made for anyone. Or maybe no one was made for me.

I really feel worthless.

Maybe I’m the actual issue when it comes to everything… Either way. I am how I am. I’m just sensitive when I love someone. I can’t help but have expectations and interpret everything one says and does.
The way I understand things… I just don’t feel truly appreciated. I don’t…

I might have issues – I wont deny that being a possibility… In the end that’s just how I am. And if the person I’m with can’t deal with it… Well then that person can just leave it be.

I feel really empty inside right now. Like … I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’m not able to love… Like something’s wrong with me.
Like I set the bar far too high.

And then I ask myself; well what kind of man do you want?
And I can’t even answer that question. I don’t want a specific kind of man. I want someone who’s nice and thoughtful… Good in bed of course, but also someone who has goals in their life and educated…

Sometimes I just wish I felt like I was your world, like you are mine. But I’m not. I can feel it.
I am not your everything. And it hurts. It hurts because you are my everything. It hurts because Im not in a relationship just to be in a relationship… Im in a relationship because I’m looking ahead, forward, planning my future. I’m in a relationship with you, not for fun, but because you’re a potential future husband. Lifepartner.
In my world you invest from the beginning. I have a feeling like… you’re gonna lose me… And then we’ll see, then we’ll see where your friends are. Where will your friends be when they’re off being married and having kids? Not by your side I can reassure you… then what? Then you’ll regret it…

As I’m feeling right now – I am feeling scared. Scared for having spent the money I have on the summer holidays. That’s whats so risky about booking ahead.
Scared because … How I’m feeling now… I really just want to walk away and say fuck it.
I compare – yes I do… Im sorry – but I do…
And I don’t think I’ve been hurt in this sense before as such…
My ex was always there… He was there for me even when he wasn’t my boyfriend. He did it out of love. I know he did. And I think thats what I’m missing here. Like you do it out of convenience… When you have time you’ll see me. I’m the person to fill out your sparetime…

I just wish I meant the same to you, as you mean to me.

I just wish you’d enjoy my presence and company as much as I enjoy yours. I put myself and everything aside for you. I see you when you can, even if its inconvenient for you… But it doesn’t go the other way around.

I don’t think thats right… Maybe I’m the idiot.
Maybe I’m just supposed to get my shit together, and say no when its not convenient… Why should I mess up my plans etc for you? When you don’t do it for me?

… Oh how about sunday… When you decided to drop by around the time I was off work? I thought it was so sweet. You had just dropped me off at work some hours before…
But really, it was because your friend stood you up. So … I was second best, right?

Tired as I was, I went to your place to eat after work… And we sat and we discussed and talked and it went bad … but then we made up before I left… By then it was shit o’clock … but I had to go home. I didn’t have my stuff and I had to get up in the morning and had stuff to do – so I had to be in my own home.
You didn’t go with me – fine. But … honestly… It took me like 1-1,5 hrs to get home, in the middle of the night. Im a grown woman. But still… I did that, although I was second.

As I said. I’m just there to fill in time. You make plans and where ever I fit in, you make plans.
Thats how I feel. Im sorry… But thats the picture you paint for me. Whether true or not.
But this friends issue is pretty much the only issue we have.
It’s starting to look like its gonna be a problem for me.

I barely see you. Like c’mon. Will we ever get to know one another at this level and pace?

I used to be with my ex everyday… For the first 1,5 years… We were together everyday. Every weekend.

Really. His friends were the ones to fill in, not me. He made plans based on me. Not based on his friends – and then filled me in when there was time. No. I was his number 1.

… I don’t know…

I just… dont know…

Sometimes I just feel like… I wasn’t made for love. Like I am not meant to be loved…

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One step forward, two steps back.

It’s been a little while since I’ve last written an entry, around three weeks.

A lot has happened in these three weeks though… I feel like my life is constantly being flipped upside down. It’s a constant battle and fight for me to ‘flip it back’…

The case is that I’ve had to move out of where I was living – I wasn’t happy there anyway, because of the roommates… But now I’ve moved into my moms apartment (she doesn’t live her)… But … It feels really weird. And weirdly enough it doesn’t feel like ‘home’.
I really do feel ‘homeless’… Home is where the heart is they say.
I feel like perhaps everything is close to fine when I’m with Luke. Goes well with home is where the heart is…

I don’t know. It’s difficult.

I mean… Our relationship is still pretty new… Sort of. It’s been almost four months now. Since our first conversation. First date. In about a week it will hit the first contact/conversation. And in two weeks the first date.

Four months.

It’s really not that long…
When I think about it.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve known him for longer…
Other times I do see, that we don’t know each other that well… There’s still much we don’t know about one another. It takes time…

I don’t know… I really want him to be my ‘one’.

Being here in this apartment… Well it makes me think that, I’m really not one of those people that can be alone. I mean of course I can, but I feel better when I’m not.
I’m independent, don’t get me wrong. But I really love and appreciate company. The presence of another person. Love it when its a partner. Someone to cuddle. Hug. Kiss. Having someone sleep next to you. You wake up and you’re not alone…
When you go to sleep you feel the warmth of another person. There’s someone. You’re not alone.

The feeling of not being alone, is really priceless to me. I don’t know…

For some reason … I didn’t feel like this when I was alone in the other home… I don’t know what it is.
Although I hated the people there. I don’t know what it is about this home.

I feel like… When I move (again), which will probably be relatively soon, I don’t think I’ll be able to move to something on my own. I’m not sure?
Maybe it’s different if I move to something new. Something thats mine. Something I’ll decorate from start. Somewhere where there won’t be any memories.

Because right now… Being alone in this apartment… Makes me think about my ex…

How he used to travel 45 mins to come here. To be with me. Keep me company. Because he knew I felt lonely. Because he knew it made me sad.

For some reason. I think of him.
I think about the good. I think about the bad. The bad when we argued. Yelled. Cried.

Good when he brought one of my favorite snacks… Would keep me company. Lie all cuddled on the couch and watch TV …

I don’t know. It’s really only been two days in this home.
I know I have to give it time.
But this home brings such a burden to my heart. I feel heavy on the heart. I don’t feel … ‘Free’.
So I don’t feel happy.

The past two to three days have made me irritable… I’ve been such a grumpy ass. I’ll admit it.
I’ve been so unfair and grumpy towards Luke… No patience for anything.

I’ve told him I’m sorry… He seems to understand and be fine with it…
But I’m scared he might think elsewise… I don’t know. Rejection scares me.

I’m scared honestly… I love him. I really do.
He’s a big part of my life now…
I don’t think I can stand to lose him…

At the same time… I really fear that our intelligence levels are way apart. I mean … He’s really not too bright sometimes and really slow. Sometimes he doesn’t even get the obvious…
But then I wonder. Maybe because of my way of thinking (logical thinking) and my level of intelligence, makes me think that some things are obvious – whilst they might not be. They might not be obvious to some, or perhaps to many… Perhaps they’re not obvious to the average person.

I want to be a better person:
Less of a temper
More patience
More understanding (in terms of people and mentality/intelligence)

I want to better myself…
I want my motivation to get things done and to do things back. I want to get my shit together.
I want to feel normal. I want to be free. I want to be happy…

For some reason I just feel a constant burden. A black cloud. Lack of energy…

I don’t know.
I try my best.

Hopefully I’ll get there step by step.
Taking a step back doesn’t mean you still haven’t moved forward, when looking back at the starting line. I*ve come a decent way. I’ve also taken some steps back. But I haven’t given up.

I’m a work in progress.
An unfinished work of art.