One step forward, two steps back.

It’s been a little while since I’ve last written an entry, around three weeks.

A lot has happened in these three weeks though… I feel like my life is constantly being flipped upside down. It’s a constant battle and fight for me to ‘flip it back’…

The case is that I’ve had to move out of where I was living – I wasn’t happy there anyway, because of the roommates… But now I’ve moved into my moms apartment (she doesn’t live her)… But … It feels really weird. And weirdly enough it doesn’t feel like ‘home’.
I really do feel ‘homeless’… Home is where the heart is they say.
I feel like perhaps everything is close to fine when I’m with Luke. Goes well with home is where the heart is…

I don’t know. It’s difficult.

I mean… Our relationship is still pretty new… Sort of. It’s been almost four months now. Since our first conversation. First date. In about a week it will hit the first contact/conversation. And in two weeks the first date.

Four months.

It’s really not that long…
When I think about it.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve known him for longer…
Other times I do see, that we don’t know each other that well… There’s still much we don’t know about one another. It takes time…

I don’t know… I really want him to be my ‘one’.

Being here in this apartment… Well it makes me think that, I’m really not one of those people that can be alone. I mean of course I can, but I feel better when I’m not.
I’m independent, don’t get me wrong. But I really love and appreciate company. The presence of another person. Love it when its a partner. Someone to cuddle. Hug. Kiss. Having someone sleep next to you. You wake up and you’re not alone…
When you go to sleep you feel the warmth of another person. There’s someone. You’re not alone.

The feeling of not being alone, is really priceless to me. I don’t know…

For some reason … I didn’t feel like this when I was alone in the other home… I don’t know what it is.
Although I hated the people there. I don’t know what it is about this home.

I feel like… When I move (again), which will probably be relatively soon, I don’t think I’ll be able to move to something on my own. I’m not sure?
Maybe it’s different if I move to something new. Something thats mine. Something I’ll decorate from start. Somewhere where there won’t be any memories.

Because right now… Being alone in this apartment… Makes me think about my ex…

How he used to travel 45 mins to come here. To be with me. Keep me company. Because he knew I felt lonely. Because he knew it made me sad.

For some reason. I think of him.
I think about the good. I think about the bad. The bad when we argued. Yelled. Cried.

Good when he brought one of my favorite snacks… Would keep me company. Lie all cuddled on the couch and watch TV …

I don’t know. It’s really only been two days in this home.
I know I have to give it time.
But this home brings such a burden to my heart. I feel heavy on the heart. I don’t feel … ‘Free’.
So I don’t feel happy.

The past two to three days have made me irritable… I’ve been such a grumpy ass. I’ll admit it.
I’ve been so unfair and grumpy towards Luke… No patience for anything.

I’ve told him I’m sorry… He seems to understand and be fine with it…
But I’m scared he might think elsewise… I don’t know. Rejection scares me.

I’m scared honestly… I love him. I really do.
He’s a big part of my life now…
I don’t think I can stand to lose him…

At the same time… I really fear that our intelligence levels are way apart. I mean … He’s really not too bright sometimes and really slow. Sometimes he doesn’t even get the obvious…
But then I wonder. Maybe because of my way of thinking (logical thinking) and my level of intelligence, makes me think that some things are obvious – whilst they might not be. They might not be obvious to some, or perhaps to many… Perhaps they’re not obvious to the average person.

I want to be a better person:
Less of a temper
More patience
More understanding (in terms of people and mentality/intelligence)

I want to better myself…
I want my motivation to get things done and to do things back. I want to get my shit together.
I want to feel normal. I want to be free. I want to be happy…

For some reason I just feel a constant burden. A black cloud. Lack of energy…

I don’t know.
I try my best.

Hopefully I’ll get there step by step.
Taking a step back doesn’t mean you still haven’t moved forward, when looking back at the starting line. I*ve come a decent way. I’ve also taken some steps back. But I haven’t given up.

I’m a work in progress.
An unfinished work of art.


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