I think about you from time to time.
No, I don’t feel anything romantic towards you.
But in the end… It was five years ago that we started dating.
We were together for 3,5 years out of those five.
Then friends for 1 year after our break up.
So we’ve been in one another’s lives for 4,5 years out of those 5.
It’s been weird… I’ve adjusted though… To not having you in my life anymore.
I looked at some messages – but accident. Seems like they haven’t been completely deleted from my PC but stored in no-mans-land somewhere… Anyway…
I just realized… How mean I was sometimes.
How angry I was…
And honestly I am so sorry…
I truly am.
What an awful person I was.
I wasn’t happy. And I felt like it was your fault.
Thats where the anger came from.
We never talked like real people or adults.
We never gave it a chance to fix things the right way.
We were both trapped in our minds.
With our stupid mindsets…
I don’t know…
In the end I wasn’t turned on by you either.
But perhaps that came from the anger and unhappiness…
Who knows. Maybe even we’ll never know…
Sometimes it bothers me that I can’t tell you these things…
Because honestly … I want to say that I am sorry.
And explain myself… So you can understand everything.
You were a good guy.
Yes there were some really bad things too…
But shit. I wasn’t that much better myself. At least not towards the end.
Full of anger. I could feel it through my messages.
I would lash out for no reason at all. No sane reason, that is.
I’m really sorry.
I am sorry I couldn’t be the one you fell in love with or give you the love you wanted.
And I told you this many times.
And I am sorry you weren’t the one I fell for in the end either.
I am sorry for the way things ended.
I am sorry for not being honest.
I am sorry for protecting you too much, and therefore forgetting the real issue.
Which was that talking was the way forward.
Instead I kept quiet.
And hate started building up inside me.
Which lead to me blaming you and then leaving you…
I’m truly sorry.