Letter to my ex

Dear ex,

I think about you from time to time.

No, I don’t feel anything romantic towards you.
But in the end… It was five years ago that we started dating.
We were together for 3,5 years out of those five.
Then friends for 1 year after our break up.
So we’ve been in one another’s lives for 4,5 years out of those 5.

It’s been weird… I’ve adjusted though… To not having you in my life anymore.

I looked at some messages – but accident. Seems like they haven’t been completely deleted from my PC but stored in no-mans-land somewhere… Anyway…

I just realized… How mean I was sometimes.
How angry I was…
And honestly I am so sorry…

I truly am.
What an awful person I was.

I wasn’t happy. And I felt like it was your fault.
Thats where the anger came from.

We never talked like real people or adults.
We never gave it a chance to fix things the right way.

We were both trapped in our minds.

With our stupid mindsets…

I don’t know…

In the end I wasn’t turned on by you either.
But perhaps that came from the anger and unhappiness…

Who knows. Maybe even we’ll never know…

Sometimes it bothers me that I can’t tell you these things…

Because honestly … I want to say that I am sorry.
And explain myself… So you can understand everything.

You were a good guy.
Overall.
Yes there were some really bad things too…

But shit. I wasn’t that much better myself. At least not towards the end.
Full of anger. I could feel it through my messages.
I would lash out for no reason at all. No sane reason, that is.

I’m really sorry.

Really…
I am sorry I couldn’t be the one you fell in love with or give you the love you wanted.
And I told you this many times.
And I am sorry you weren’t the one I fell for in the end either.
I am sorry for the way things ended.
I am sorry for not being honest.
I am sorry for protecting you too much, and therefore forgetting the real issue.
Which was that talking was the way forward.
Instead I kept quiet.
And hate started building up inside me.
Which lead to me blaming you and then leaving you…

I’m truly sorry.

Time waits for no man.

It sure doesn’t !

Its been awhile since I last posted…

I don’t know. I’ve been busy I guess…

Mid november… December… January… Heck even february was great.

Since then its sort of just been going downhill…

Love and Luke.
I don’t know.
I mean … The love I had for him… In the past two weeks… It has disappeared.
Sort of …
I mean… I Think I still love him.
But … I’m not IN LOVE.

I dont have that bubbly feeling. Excitement.
I used to want to be with him all the time.

But now I don’t mind it, I don’t mind being alone.
I don’t feel like his company gives me anything …
Kind of makes me sad to think of it.

I was really hoping this guy would be my one…
The belief in me not being meant for love is growing…
I’m really unsure of everything…

I feel…
Empty…
Sad…
I’m not sure what to do.
I’m not sure what it takes exactly to fix everything…

At the moment I just feel like everything is shit.
I don’t even know what I want to do with my life…

I don’t feel like studying.. Nor do I feel like working.
I don’t feel like doing anything.

I feel like …
This wasn’t the life that I was made for.
Nor was I made for this life.
Nor was I made to live like this.

I’ve said it before, Ill say it again: I’m just looking for happiness.
And I have no clue how to find it or achieve it.

Well I think I know, but I don’t.
I don’t think anyone does.

I’m just plain tired of everything…

I’m upset.

I just wanted love…
I thought I finally found love.

I feel like he’s… I don’t know 😦
Makes me sad.
I don’t feel happy…

I just really wonder sometimes…
If everything would be easier if I wasn’t on this earth anymore.

I wonder… I honestly do.

I don’t know what I want.
I guess I’m waiting for a miracle of some kind.

… Right now I’m just hanging in there…
Hoping for better times.
Lets see…