So… Last time I posted was months ago…
In fact, funny enough, exactly 4 months ago…
So, what has happened in these months? Wow… You have no idea. Well of course you don’t, but … A lot.
A lot has happened. Looking back at my posts I see how unhappy I’ve been for months… Problems with Luke and I seem to date back to March… Really taking its turns in April and having me feel lost by May.
End April. That’s when I feel it was. By end of April I was feeling like this wasn’t going to work. The picture I had been too quick to paint wasn’t drying like it should, in fact the paint was dripping and smothering and the picture that I started off with wasn’t how it ended up looking.
He was the prince on the white horse. He was McDreamy. He was. WAS. Yes, that’s how our story started off, but it wasn’t long after he knew he had me that things started to change.
I put it off. We had already booked our summer holiday etc., so I kept wishing. Hoping. Giving it more time. Too much time.
In the end when we came home from the holiday, I had finally had enough.
But still, I put it off… I hoped things would change. But they didn’t, so last Monday I finally quit.
I broke it off. He said he agreed, did he though? I kind of doubt it. I think he knows he’s not good enough for me.
He didn’t treat me well.
And honestly I feel sorry for him. He’s just not mature enough yet, or grown. He has a lot of growing up to do as well as soul searching.
Soul searching we all need though.
And I’m surely on that journey.
But yea, so I finally decided to just stop. I didn’t have any answers when I asked myself, why do you keep postponing? Do you even love him anymore?
I realized that I didn’t know why I was postponing, and in fact, no, I didn’t love him anymore. I cared for him, but I didn’t love him.
When we had sex, I didn’t enjoy it… Why? Because there was no love and passion. I would tear up the last couple of times, because I would think back to when it used to be good. When there were so many feelings involved. Sex without feelings is just… I don’t know… Not really enjoyable.
So I realized that I was hanging on to him for a lot of wrong reasons. It wasn’t for him, it was for all sorts of other things.
The thought of being alone etc.
But then I realized, he hasn’t been there for me… So I wouldn’t be more alone than I usually am…
Sure it was difficult on the day that we broke up… And the day after. But by Wednesday I had cried it all out, and I was fine with it – so I think.
Even now, I don’t really care. And I am in no way interested in going back – no way. I just want to focus on myself and hell, do whatever the hell I WANT.
For once, be truly independent and say fuck love. I DON’T NEED A MAN.
And let me just underline this – this is not me being cliché. No in fact, what I mean by this is, I don’t need another person to define me. To give me the love I need etc. I need to find this within myself.
The time is now.
And honestly I feel fine not having a significant other right now. Because the only person I need to focus on is myself. The only person I need to be giving my love to is myself. Because if I cant love myself, how can I love someone else? It all starts within.
… Now to a different thing.
That Monday seemed to be the turning point of my life this year.
I finally broke up and got rid of the burden on my shoulders.
Meanwhile I got served by a cute young guy at a bar the same day.
And… I ran into an old friend of mine which I haven’t talked to since the beginning of the year, because we apparently had a misunderstanding.
How weird is that?
So… The guy, lets call him Eric, he found me on Facebook… And since then we’ve been talking. He’s younger than me. A few years actually.
Funny thing is that I think he’s so cute and ‘innocent’. Because he’s younger.
Do I fancy him, well … Honestly I don’t know.
I think he’s sweet, but I know he likes me a whole lot more than I do.
To me he’s like a little boy, guys are not as mature as women… And then a guy that’s younger than me, well go figure. Not that I’ve seen him be immature yet. But… He’s so sweet and careful. That ‘young feeling’. Does that make sense? Or am I totally crap at explaining myself, haha.
Anyway, so he’s come to my house like 4 days in a row I think? Or maybe its more… Anyway, lets say 4, and out of the 4 he slept over 3.
Nothing happened. We only first kissed the second time he slept over. And that’s it. I don’t feel like having sex to be honest, and I don’t think I will just yet.
Anyway, he keeps wanting to come. And I don’t really care, but I’m scared he might be falling. His young sweet heart that doesn’t know any better…
And I’m not interested in a relationship anytime soon. Really.
I’m all in for being single for at least 1-2 years.
But he’s very sweet and cute. But I don’t feel in love or bubbly or nervous, nothing like that. But I know he does, because he can’t sleep when he’s next to me… I know that feeling, but I don’t feel that way. I’m not in touch with any type of romantic loving feelings… Not at all. I don’t think anyone, anytime soon can make me fall or feel in love. Seriously. I’m just way past that at the moment…
So yea, that’s him … And then there’s another guy from my university…
Lets name him Mark, well he’s also very into me… And it was pretty crazy, he wanted to kiss and I honestly didn’t feel like it. I just wasn’t ready. We were at a uni party at a bar, and he was a bit drunk. I wasn’t really.
So yea he wouldn’t let off and in the end he got his kiss. But that was it.
So Thursday we’re gonna have dinner together. Homecooked.
Sounds romantic, but its not gonna be.
Am I scared? YES. Why? Because I feel like I’m getting in trouble with these two guys. I’m not interested in anything. And whilst I’ve told this to Mark, I haven’t had the heart to say this to Eric… Because… I just can’t. I would feel like I was being a bitch and I don’t want to be like that. I mean, he should know… But I’m sure he doesn’t… I don’t know how to break it to him, but I will have to at some point…
So basically we’re back to the chaotic single life again.
It’s so easy to get guys honestly, I have no problem with that.
Which is also why I always get myself into deep shit.
Let’s see how this all unfolds. One thing is for sure, I feel like the single life will be more fun for me than the last relationship I had. FREE TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.
I need that.
Updates will be coming…
Not to mention – 4 months is a long time, so flashbacks will probably be posted too.
I haven’t even gotten around to everything that has happened – this is just the guy ‘drama’.