Thursday, September 17, 2015

Empty feeling

“I don’t feel anything”, but I feel empty. So that too is a feeling? Or no? …

Either way, what the hell am I doing? Yes I’m single. But why am I getting ‘involved’ with these guys. It’s not gonna end well. I can feel it… There’s no way in hell it will end well. Why? Because I know that they both dream of some sort of future thing, I know they both have some expectations or hopes of some kind… Even if they wont admit – they’re already in my web. My unintentional web that is. At least for one of them.

Oh gosh. I don’t wish to have a relationship… I know Eric is dreaming of this though, because he said that he likes me way too much compared to how long he’s known me… Not good… NOT GOOD.

My focus right now: me.

I cant keep giving into my old habits. The habit of doing things just to please others. I just cant. I cant keep giving them what they want just to please them. God how I dread the ‘date’ on this coming Thursday already… Fuck.

If he makes a move… I’ll just have to be straight about it. It is what it is…

Why am I always so scared? At this moment I don’t have anything to lose… So what’s the problem…?

Man oh man.

Literally I guess…

I need to feel like I got ‘ME’ together, before anything else.

I just don’t know how I feel right now… Or what I feel to be quite honest.

Once again, my life is a mess. Which I feel like it sort of always is… Not exactly a great feeling.

I just don’t know.

They should both know that right now, is not the time for any of the things they have in mind. Right? They should be smart enough to know, since I just came out of a relationship…

But my experience with guys is that they need you to cut things out and be 100% straight before they get it… But when it comes to this, they should know right?

My god.

I’ll leave it to time. Like I always do… Time will tell and time will show.

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