Number 6


Its like I repeat history sometimes…

What’s wrong with me.

I think I have a lot of hidden emotions and different things, that has nothing to do with the case, trigger feelings.

So yea, number 6. Lets get at it.

Yes Eric. Why? I honestly don’t know.

Know that feeling sometimes when you do something, just to do it?

Well that’s why and what.

I don’t even know why. I don’t even have genuine feelings for him.

I think Im just playing a game, perhaps with myself.

I can’t figure things out. So I’m doing a lot of stupid things.

Now I’m restless. Sleepless. He was just lying there next to me texting.
I was wondering who. I don’t really feel like he’s someone I can trust.

So it’s not exactly like I could relax or even sleep. Looking at the ceiling like my company wasn’t even present…

To be quite honest I just want to be an ass, and ask him to leave.

But I feel like I cant, even though I want to.

Oh yea, by the time I’m having these thoughts, we hadn’t really had sex. Because he was having some erectile dysfunction.

It was until he could feel something was wrong, he asked me what was wrong. It took me ages to tell, but he wouldn’t let it go.

So I told him, a few of my many thoughts.
I said, I feel weird. About this. Like what are we even doing?
You’ve been staying over almost every night, it might just become a bad habit.
His response was, well we don’t have to hang out as often if you don’t want to.
No that’s not what I meant. I don’t mean that I don’t like it, here and now… I’m just thinking about the consequences.

What do you mean? That we’ll like each other a lot, and one of us might get hurt. That one of us being you.
I didn’t want to be an ass and say that which one of us would get hurt was uncertain, so I just said yea. Making it sound as if I am the one whose afraid to get hurt.
And honestly I’m more afraid of getting attached, but also the consequence if I lose interest all of a sudden. But maybe I’m being naïve once again, maybe he doesn’t really care as much as I think he does.
Maybe he’s just out for one thing, and although I hate to say it, it’s sex.
I hate the thought of being used… But in the end, I put myself in this situation, no one else. So in the end, if this is the outcome, its my fault and no one else’s.

But the weird thing was it seemed to make him happy, like he was thinking I have feelings for him. Like a relief, because maybe he has feelings. At the same time, honestly, I have no clue. I’ve been fooled before, so this time might not even be any different… I guess we’ll see.
I should just not put anything into it, I think its more of a pride thing than a feeling thing.
I’m just latching onto guys for other things, I think. So I’m pretty sure it’s not at all for the right reasons.

… What the hell am I even doing?

I have no clue myself…

I wish for once I could just lay back and enjoy life and whatever comes my way. Here and now.

I overthink, I know, but I cant help it. It’s not like I exactly enjoy thinking as much as I do. Because I know its excessive thinking without reason.
I worry too much…

Oh well, life, take me where I’m supposed to go.


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