“I got it all under control”, she said.

“I got it all under control” she said, with a smile on her face.
But deep down she was worried. Sure why not make it all seem glamorous? Right?
Truth be told, there was nothing glamorous about the ‘player life’.
No. She wasn’t that type of person. She didn’t like hurting people.
She did enjoy the attention, she did enjoy the dates, but she didn’t put any feelings into it. It didn’t have any meaning. But it did to them.
She didn’t give any of them a real chance. Why? Because she wasn’t truly interested.
Because, there was someone that was faster than all of them. That one person that caught her attention before the rest, Eric.
So in the end, when none of them could get her attention like he did, why bother giving them a chance – right?

“I got it all under control” she thought.
But she didn’t. No one can control feelings, most certainly not when its not your own.
What a complicated life she thought.
She didn’t complain about being beautiful or wanted – heck, its not bad to be goodlooking… But it sure as hell isn’t easy either… Especially when you’re not attention seeking.

No… I was never one to seek attention, I was the one who preferred to blend in, to be invisible… I didn’t want to be seen. I used to be scared.
I’m not scared anymore. I love myself more now than ever, I still have some way to go… But I definitely am not looking to hide anymore, like I used to, I am proud of who I am, I don’t need to hide. I’m no longer that scared little girl whose afraid. No. I’m not here to be another one, another person in the crowd, I want to be extraordinary. Do things. Achieve things. I want to be someone. I’m not here to be silent anymore. I am here to be heard. I don’t care if people are puzzled by my honesty or weird humour, its me. Who I am, and I’m not afraid of myself anymore. We’re all a little weird, I’m just becoming more accepting and open about it. Sure I’m not as extrovert as one could be, but I will be. One step at a time, Rome wasn’t build in a day – as you say.

Apart from that. Eric.
Wow I don’t even know what to say. I still don’t know what our relationship is… All I know is that I’m the only one he’s seeing and according to him also the only one he’s talking to…
So I decided I’d do the same, because what the heck, I wasn’t interested in any of those other guys anyway – so why waste their time.

So… I know he’s caught some feelings… But I can’t figure myself out.
I can’t figure out if I’m just liking the feels of it right now, or if I feel more than that…
I think he’s really sweet and all that… But I’m not sure I’m in love. Perhaps its too early to tell anyway…

I once read that ‘true soulmates’ dont fall in love. Because that feeling of falling in love/being in love is not the real deal…
Hell, with Luke I fell in love. And none of it was real, so I think it might be true…

Anyway, as I always say – and probably always will: Time will tell.

Leave me – Marc Talein ft. Haidara

It’s been very long since I’ve last shared a song…
I came across this song a couple of days ago, and for some reason I fell in love.
I like house, deep house – but also rnb, hiphop, rap etc.

The funny thing about this song is that I feel like it resembles Leaving you – Audien.
I feel like this is the reverse side thing of things.

“I know myself” she said

I wont fall in love she said. I don’t fall in love that easily.

I’m not in love she said.
I don’t have those kinds of feelings.

I just casually enjoy his company she said.

Not realizing, his presence had become an addiction.
Like she promised herself she wouldn’t repeat.
Once again, like any other addict, she fell into the trap.

The difference?
She was aware, she was fighting – she didn’t let in to old habits.
She was determined to change.
She was determined to be independent.

When she thought about it, really thought about it, she wasn’t ready to commit.
She still wanted and needed her freedom. All this attention, if not now – then when? She didn’t have many more years to waste. It was almost a ‘now or never’ kind of deal.

She was confused.
She didn’t know what the difference between need and being in love was.
So how could she truly tell if she ever fell in love?

Did she like him? Sure.
Did she feel territorial… Indeed.
She didn’t want to share. Why? Because she always won, she always got her way.
She was that girl that was all that, so being beat by someone seemingly less – was not in her intention.
Maybe that was what it was all truly about.
She didn’t feel an exceptional connection with him, not physically, not mentally.
The only thing that had her attention, was the fact that other females had their eyes on him.
That’s where all the excitement was.

But wasn’t this for the better?
Or was she trying to convince herself that this was the truth?
She didn’t even know herself.

Confused. Out of touch.
She didn’t really know herself that well after all…

Blinded by her own mind

She would look and stare, compare and admire, the many girls she came across on social media.

Celebrities, instagram, facebook, girls that were praised for their beauty, for their bodies.

She’d look and stare, wonder how she too could be beautiful like them.
She’d think, if only my skin was more perfect.
If only I had bigger lips.
if only I had more defined cheekbones.
If only my brows were perfect.
If only I had bigger boobs.
If only I had a bigger butt.
If only I was taller.
If only…

She’d sit and compare. She’d sit and admire. She’d sit and wish she was more ‘perfect’. She felt like less.
She wished she was as beautiful as all these girls.
She wished she could look in the mirror and truly feel like everything about her was good enough.

Only she never realized… This was how people looked at her.
Once people got to approach her, they all told her how beautiful she was – if they had the confidence to do so, males or females.
She didn’t believe. She didn’t see. She was blinded.

She wondered if people just had a different taste than her, if they were just being nice, or if she just couldn’t see what they saw…

She wasn’t photogenic. Although she never felt perfect or as beautiful as people would say, she felt like the camera made her look worse than how she saw herself.
People agreed, her beauty couldn’t be captured. It had to be seen with live eyes. It couldn’t be captured. It had to be felt. Her beauty was real.
The eyes don’t lie, but sometimes the camera does – most of the time, the camera lies.
It either beautifies or “uglifies”, it doesn’t capture reality.
Pictures are rarely true or real.
An important thing to keep in mind.

Although she knew this, she still couldn’t help but feel how she felt.

She never felt good enough.
Her body wasn’t perfect enough.
Her hair wasn’t perfect enough.
Her face wasn’t perfect enough.

Yet anyone she came across admired her beauty.
Told her how beautiful she was. How perfect her skin was.
How beautiful her body was.

Those who got to know her, learned how beautiful she was on the inside too.
Those who knew her, truly knew her, called her perfect.
Smart, beautiful and sweetest person.

She never saw. She never understood.
Blinded by her own thoughts and perception of beauty – which was anything but herself.

She never realized how beautiful she was – in every single way possible.

She was blinded by her own mind.
Whilst others around her saw her through clear eyes.
Felt her heart. Felt her person.
Came to love her, because she was so incredibly likeable.

She was amazing.
She was beautiful.
She was close to perfect.

But she never knew.
She never saw.
So it never mattered.
Because this beautiful creature could never be truly freed for the world to see her, she was kept imprisoned by herself.
She robbed the world of something beautiful, without realizing it.

Slowly she killed herself, because in the end she saw nothing but flaws… And forgot to appreciate all the good features. All the good things.
She failed to appreciate herself, instead she looked for beauty elsewhere – when all along it was right there, in front of her.

Dangerous game… / Love yourself.

Feelings are dangerous.

I’m playing a dangerous game. I am aware.

I think Eric might be catching some emotions that he shouldn’t.

I’ve thought about it.
I do like him, he’s kind and nice. I feel comfortable with him. I enjoy his company.
But I’m not in love, not yet at least.
I don’t know, can you fall in love with time? Hmm… I guess it was what happened with my first BF, but I think I’ve grown from that?

Either way, I’m aware the game I’m playing is dangerous.
But… I don’t care.

I went on that date friday with that guy, Jake.
It wasn’t bad, but I met with Eric after, haha. Jesus.

So Eric slept with someone else, when he first told me I was a little upset – but then during the day I realized, I wasn’t bothered. Like it was more a territorial thing than anything else. So emotionally, I didn’t really care.
I think he cared more than me. I think generally he cares more than me.
I’ve realized I don’t care. In general. My emotions and I aren’t in touch. At least not the emotions that I used to be so controlled by in the past. Such as the need of having someone, a guy etc.
Now I don’t care.

Jake is a sweet guy.
I don’t really think I’m interested in him in that sense, but I’m still gonna go out with him again.
Whatever. I don’t really have anything to lose.

“You’re beautiful”.
I hear it all the time. Guys. Girls. Whoever.
Apparently they all see something that I myself don’t. Or didn’t.
I’m scared to love myself, because I’m scared I’ll look or sound arrogant etc.
Which I find being negative…
But If I’ll be honest – I’m a pretty amazing person.

I’m beautiful inside and out.
I’m not perfect, but I’m good enough and I’m amazing.
I have so much to offer, I have the whole package.
I’m intelligent, smart, nice, thoughtful, loving, sympathetic and so much more.
I’m a beautiful person.

And as much as this is a note to myself, it’s also a note to all of you out there:
whenever you feel like you’re not good enough, there’s something that could be changed about you -inside or out, just take a look at yourself. Look in the mirror. Look at yourself.
You are beautiful. We’re all beautiful in each our own way.
If you have amazing lashes (lips, cheekbones, brows, skin, legs or whatever), embrace that, love it, then learn to love the rest.
Because you are beautiful. You’re good enough. Love yourself. If you dont – who will?
How should someone else love you, when you dont love yourself?
And how can you love someone else, if the most important person, yourself, isn’t loved by you?
Yea, not possible.
You’re beautiful. You’re amazing. You might forget it for a minute whilst you admire someone else for their beauty, but you’re beautiful too – in your own unique way. ❤

Much love. Happy monday 🙂

I wonder…

I do wonder sometimes… Is there anyone out there just for me?
Is there that one person, that will make me fall head over heels and make me feel like that always?
When do you know?
Do you just know when it happens?
Or… Does that feeling not exist? Do you just find someone that just makes you happy, content, average kind of ‘love’?
I mean… Does that extravagant kind of love even exist? Or is it just people that can deal with each other, enjoy each others company and so, that are together ‘forever’. What is real love anyway?
Love aside.
I wonder the same thing when it comes to friends – I haven’t been able to find a good friend. A loyal friend, a friend I can always count on and trust.

Am I just picky with people? Or what is it…
Perhaps I’m looking for connections that don’t exist. Perhaps I believe in something greater than the average, but perhaps thats unreal. Maybe average is all there is?

Who am I anyway? I do wonder.
I know what I am.
I am an amazing person. Loving. Caring. Thoughtful. Trustworthy. Honest. Kind. Intelligent. Smart. Beautiful. And more.
But who am I?

Who am I?

I feel like I’m nobody at the moment.
If I don’t know, how will others know.

I am me.
But who is ‘me’?
Thank god I am on the journey to find out the answer to this.
No one said it would be easy, and it certainly isn’t.
Many thoughts, many ups and downs of which most are downs.
But I’m sure it’ll be worth it in the end.

Monday, October 5th: Do I like him?

Honestly, this is a question that I keep wondering about… Do I?

I don’t think so, as in, I’m for sure not in love or anything like that.
I like his company, I feel comfortable around him, more so than the guy I was hanging with yesterday. To be fair that was also just the second time I had ‘hung’ out with him. But yet, I never remember it being this awkward with Eric, as with the guy from yesterday.

So sure, I do feel comfortable with him. I think he’s cute. I don’t mind spending time with him…
But does it even go further than so? I don’t think so, to be honest.
Do I think about breaking it off sometimes? Yes, definitely. That thought hasn’t left my mind ever since it entered.
When I ask myself why, its most certainly because I’m scared that he’ll grow on me. Because as of right now, there’s nothing, but people can grow on you – and that’s what I’m afraid of.

However fucked up it may sound, I also kind of like this stupid game of being together, but not really. That whole thing with us having a thing, but we’re not exclusive. Like I don’t like asking him about the ‘others’, but he does. I feel like it bothers him, but he wont admit it, he says that it doesn’t. But honestly if it doesn’t bother you AT ALL, then why bother ask? Why become a little disappointed when you hear the answers? You must care, even if its just a tiny bit, right?
Or am I way off?

Either way, this whole thing is very confusing, and I’m just letting time take me its way.
I’ll just let it be for now.

On Friday though, I’m going out with a guy I met through a friend of mine this weekend. He was the only guy out of the ones that were there that caught my eye.
But sometimes, someone might not catch your eye in a crowd of many – because there’s so many to choose from, but sometimes when there’s just a few and the selection isn’t big… You kind of spot the cutest one in comparison, and decide: he’s cute.

So I wonder if I’ll still think he’s cute when I see him Friday. I do think he’s a little ‘too big’, not fat but buff. I never liked my men too “chunky” bodybuilder like. But what the hell, he seemed like a nice guy. He seems very calm, motivated and independent. So well see how that goes Friday.

I’m on mission unfold, mingle, get to know people, make myself known and have a blast.
Also I am trying to change my ways and get out of my comfort zone, be more open and speak more – as I tend to be quiet amongst people. So it may just be a test for me as well.
Although I feel like the real test lies in a larger crowd, than 1:1.
But hey, what the hell. Life is too short to hide in a box. I’ll take all the chances that feel right, and no matter what I’ll gain something from it, no matter what.
No decision is a wrong decision. Because it was the right decision the moment you took it, although it may prove not to be later on. Either way you still gain from it, whether it be experience, knowledge or whatever.
The only time you lose is when you don’t take a chance or make a decision.

Dont let the alcohol talk.

So yesterday I had one drink too many, and I was feeling bold as hell.
Now I was nowhere near drunk, not even that tipsy. Another drink and I would’ve been tipsy.
But, it’s like alcohol makes you so bold and brave and honest?

Its awful. And yet?
I was extremely close to telling Eric that we should just stop this thing/game right now.
I think he’s falling in love, because everytime we’re together, he tells me that he thinks he’s missed me, and that he prefers my company to other females…
I don’t really know how I feel about that. But I still have an urge to soon let it out, that we should stop.

But do I want it to stop? No… I don’t think so.
But would it be the right thing? Yes, probably.
We’re in two very different places in our lives, it won’t work no matter what.
“I wish I had met you in 3-4 years time”…
But… You didn’t. You met me now. There must be a reason for everything.
And, well mate, I’m 3 years older than you, and hopefully in 3-4 years I’ll already be in a relationship thats not all that new and fresh – because I would love to have kids or at least be pregnant in about 5 years time…

I know this is a bad idea, I know that the alcohol was trying to make me do the right thing.
Instead we had sex. This time it wasn’t as bad as the others.
We honestly don’t even really know one another…
Do we need to?

I don’t know where this is going, or if I want it to go where it is.
I definitely know, he’s triggering some very bad things in me. My old patterns, the needy ones, the ones that can’t stand to be alone.
Or perhaps I’m confusing that with the excitement of just having someone to cuddle with?

I know it’s not right. The age thing fucks everything up a lot, but he’s such a nice person.
He’s very sweet. I’m sure he’ll make someone very happy one day, I just don’t think It’ll be me… We’re at two very different places, much of which has to do with age.

I don’t know.
I’m confused…

To top it off, my friend is trying to hook me up with a man twice my age. Jesus, I know I’m being quite YOLO, but I think this might be topping off the YOLO mountain.
Lord, I don’t even think he looks attractive in that one photo I’ve seen… Gosh.

Let the wind take me.