Monday, October 5th: Do I like him?

Honestly, this is a question that I keep wondering about… Do I?

I don’t think so, as in, I’m for sure not in love or anything like that.
I like his company, I feel comfortable around him, more so than the guy I was hanging with yesterday. To be fair that was also just the second time I had ‘hung’ out with him. But yet, I never remember it being this awkward with Eric, as with the guy from yesterday.

So sure, I do feel comfortable with him. I think he’s cute. I don’t mind spending time with him…
But does it even go further than so? I don’t think so, to be honest.
Do I think about breaking it off sometimes? Yes, definitely. That thought hasn’t left my mind ever since it entered.
When I ask myself why, its most certainly because I’m scared that he’ll grow on me. Because as of right now, there’s nothing, but people can grow on you – and that’s what I’m afraid of.

However fucked up it may sound, I also kind of like this stupid game of being together, but not really. That whole thing with us having a thing, but we’re not exclusive. Like I don’t like asking him about the ‘others’, but he does. I feel like it bothers him, but he wont admit it, he says that it doesn’t. But honestly if it doesn’t bother you AT ALL, then why bother ask? Why become a little disappointed when you hear the answers? You must care, even if its just a tiny bit, right?
Or am I way off?

Either way, this whole thing is very confusing, and I’m just letting time take me its way.
I’ll just let it be for now.

On Friday though, I’m going out with a guy I met through a friend of mine this weekend. He was the only guy out of the ones that were there that caught my eye.
But sometimes, someone might not catch your eye in a crowd of many – because there’s so many to choose from, but sometimes when there’s just a few and the selection isn’t big… You kind of spot the cutest one in comparison, and decide: he’s cute.

So I wonder if I’ll still think he’s cute when I see him Friday. I do think he’s a little ‘too big’, not fat but buff. I never liked my men too “chunky” bodybuilder like. But what the hell, he seemed like a nice guy. He seems very calm, motivated and independent. So well see how that goes Friday.

I’m on mission unfold, mingle, get to know people, make myself known and have a blast.
Also I am trying to change my ways and get out of my comfort zone, be more open and speak more – as I tend to be quiet amongst people. So it may just be a test for me as well.
Although I feel like the real test lies in a larger crowd, than 1:1.
But hey, what the hell. Life is too short to hide in a box. I’ll take all the chances that feel right, and no matter what I’ll gain something from it, no matter what.
No decision is a wrong decision. Because it was the right decision the moment you took it, although it may prove not to be later on. Either way you still gain from it, whether it be experience, knowledge or whatever.
The only time you lose is when you don’t take a chance or make a decision.


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