Fear & a thought that’s been thought more than once.

So I had a thought this morning.
Not a new thought. Not a thought I haven’t had before.
Because trust me, I’ve thought of this many times before…

So this thought, what is it…

Well currently I am very stressed… Stress means that I get tired of everything, I’m fighting to avoid depression – because that’s the last place I want to go.
Control. I want to control this so I don’t fall into the big black hole of depression.

Anyway… It all just makes me wonder… Wonder about how it would be to disappear off the face of the earth. Be gone. Forever.
Then I think… Well if that’s the option… Then why not just take a ticket to somewhere and disappear. See where life takes me.
If I want to disappear, be gone aka die, then why not do that instead. Which is what I really want. But dying is easier. Less scary, less fear.

I know it sounds morbid. But its not because I’m suicidal, its more a thought of how everything would be if there was nothing. Nothing to think about, worry about, no stress.

I just want to be gone. Will anyone notice? Will anyone miss me?
If I no longer existed, would it matter?
Does it even matter if it matters? Does it matter what others think?
I guess not, but we all want to leave a print behind when we’re gone, right?

So why don’t I just disappear? Go explore the world, in an unconventional non-touristy way?
Because I’m scared. First off all, I still have an education to finish. And the world is a scary place. And what about the people I leave behind? And money? I have bills to pay…
Money.  Lack of money and fear, that’s whats stopping me. Now fear may not be reasonable enough reason, because you have to overcome your fears… And money, many people travel without it, but once again – fear. I still have rent etc to pay even if I choose to travel… I need to eat and survive…
So yea… Fear. In the end its all about fear.
The fear of not being able to survive without money – so its not really about money as such as it goes back to fear. So in the end, the big stopper and preventer is in fact fear, and nothing else than that…

Fear.

It has so much control.
I wish I could be careless. But I’m not…
I wish I could say ‘fuck you fear, life will take me where I have to go’ – and although that might be true, it doesn’t make me less scared. No… Fear controls my life right now.

I’ll find a way… But for now, I am the slave of fear.
One day, I hope, I’ll be free.

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