Monday 16th November: “I love you” he said.

“I love you” he said.
It took him a while and a lot of whispers, before finally saying it.
In a way she felt happy. In a way she felt confused. Overwhelmed.
Sure there were times where she enjoyed him presence so much she wanted to say “I love you”, but she didn’t. Why? Because she never said that unless she was sure… Besides, it was too early to be saying it.
No rush.

But then he said.
Almost out of the blue.

She just kissed him. She couldn’t say it back. Whilst kissing him and smiling, she was thinking “fuck, what should I do?”…

“How do you know?” she asked him.
“I don’t know, that’s just how I feel.” he replied confused.
“well… Okay” she said.

She kissed him.
It took her awhile, but she didn’t know what else to do.
“I love you too” she whispered in his ear.
But did she really?
After meeting him for the first time a little over 2 months ago, she was still unsure.
Sure she could get really jealous, sometimes she’d express it, but most of the time she didn’t… You never want to seem crazy or insecure right?
But where did the jealousy come from?
It didn’t come from insecurity, she knew she was worth more than any girl he’d ever met. But… It came from uncertainty.
Not knowing whether he really meant it when he said she was his girlfriend.

It was like he was hiding her. From the girls. Not the guys. All the guys knew… But all the females had no clue…

Snapchat.
Oh how our world develops for the worse. Social media makes it easy for people to communicate and easy for cheating, easy for problems, easy for everything. All of a sudden the whole community is right there… All of a sudden its no longer only the people who were there, that knew what happened. No, we live in a digital world, where time and space is almost eliminated…
So what about snapchat?
One thing is sending private direct snaps, another is ‘my story’… Now mystory is for everyone to see… If they want to.
Two of his friends had proudly put her on theirs, trying to show off – as if she was theirs, but who knew she wasn’t…
His friends secretly wish they had met her first, and envied him a little.
His friends proudly showed her off, as if she was with them, when they were in her company… To make others jealous, because they knew, she was gorgeous and amazing.

But he… He never did.
Sure he wanted to have a picture with her. But only for himself.
She felt like he didn’t want people to know who she was.

“You’re mine” he would say.
But was she really?
“We’re together” he would say.
But were they really?
It’s not real if its a secret.

“I like you so much” he said.
She just thought, well one would think you did if you love me…
She started to wonder, like she did the first time he said “I love you”.
‘Does he even know what love is? Does he know what it means to love someone?
It feels like he’s confused about whether or not he loves me or likes me. I don’t think he knows what love is, I just think he likes me very much, to the extreme maybe’ she thought to herself…

Perhaps he was as confused as she. But in a different way.

His birthday party. The date was set. His mother even said to him that it was his own responsibility to invite friends, or her.
He told her this.
But he never gave her an actual invite. Till now he still hasn’t invited her.
She wondered.
Was she invited? Did he not want her to meet his family?
She could understand… And yet…

She knew he liked her.
But she didn’t know how committed he truly was.

This didn’t help her in her confusion of everything as it already was.
She was confused.
How important was she?
Would this ever work?
She was 3 years older… Perhaps this was all a mistake?

She wondered…

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