2 years

Wow. 2 years on this blog… Amazing.

I started this blog when I left my first boyfriend. First love, first everything.

It’s been two years already, and so much has happened. It’s amazing how time flies. It’s amazing how much a person can grow in a year, or two in this case…
It’s also amazing how faith in humanity and life disappears more and more with each year…

I’m grateful for being where I am in life, although I struggle and have ups and downs.
Trying to figure yourself and life out is no easy thing…
But two years… It does seem like a lot longer than that… My life has changed so much in these years, its incredible…
I just hope my posts have helped or inspired or touched just a person or two, either way – this blog is my venting spot… Its where I come when I need someone to talk to as well, but don’t have anyone to turn to.
It’s where I come to vent feelings and thoughts. It’s where I come to tell secrets I cannot tell anyone I know…
This blog has helped me quite a bit over these two years, hopefully it has helped someone else too.

lots of love, xoxo.

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Teary.

when you’re frustrated. Sad. Questioning life, and everything…
and you just need someone to talk to, but you don’t know who… Or what to say. You’re just sad. Sad that the world makes your belief in humanity, in love, disappear.

What has the world become? What is to become of me?

All I feel like doing is crying. My heart is aching.
I can’t quite figure out why. I feel lonely, or do I feel lonesome?

I want to love, but I feel like I can’t.
I want to love, but I’m scared to get hurt.
Most of all I’m scared of betrayal.

I’ve been betrayed so many times, I don’t want to experience it again… I don’t want to blame myself for people betraying me… But I do. Because I tell myself, you let yourself trust this person because of this and this and this…
So … Trusting someone, no matter their past, can go two ways.
They either don’t let you down, or they do – and if they do, you will blame yourself for not listning to those annoying inner voices…
But truth is, it can go both ways. A persons past doesn’t necessarily define them, or say anything about who they are now…
Yet for precaution, we tend to ‘judge’. We ‘judge’ in order to protect ourselves…

Is it the right thing to do though? In the end, I’m hurting anyway. No one but me is hurting. I’m hurting now. Nothing has happened and I’m hurting… So whats the difference if I just go with it, and get hurt later?
It’s like I’m seeking the pain.
But whats the difference? If I take a chance, and it works, I might not have to experience any pain at all… So why feel it now?
Why torture myself with my thoughts?

… I’m scared of life. I’m scared of love. I’m scared of people.
Generally I’m just scared.

Teary. Thats what I make myself. I make myself cry…
I hurt myself, no one else. No one else is responsible for my happiness but me. I make myself cry, no one else. I take the pain of life in advance, instead of just living, and taking chances; chances that might lead to pain or avoidance of it. Just living halves the chance of the amount of pain… When taking it in advance, you have no chance of avoiding it – you automatically put maximum amount of pain that is possible for you to experience on yourself. Instead of giving life a chance, you take in all the pain in the world that you could probably feel. Instead of trusting life and having faith in it, and that not everything will come with the outcome of pain…
I am responsible for making myself smile; with my decisions. No one else is responsible.

Clear answers.

Oh how she wish that there were clear answers.

Not that she wanted clear answers from anyone, at least not anyone but herself.

She wish she could give herself the answers she sought.
But sometimes clear answers are hard to find, and difficult to give.

So what was she desperate to find an answers or two to?

Love.

What is real love?
When do you know that it’s the right thing?

Some people say you just know when you see the person… Others say that you find out with time. Can you live without this person or not?

She was confused.

Was she happy with him. Yes.
He made her happy. He was a good match.
Was things moving a little fast. Indeed.
She wish it hadn’t, but it had, so now there wasn’t much to do about it.
You can’t change what has already happened.

But she saw her life as being good single, and alone.
At the same time she saw her life being good with him too.

Now… Problem with her was, she had envisioned this single life, being free. Having no strings attached, no one to hold her back. The freedom to travel anywhere, anytime, do anything. Not being held accountable for perhaps meeting a charming guy abroad and having a hot fling…
That was the fantasy. The life she envisioned she would live as a single woman. As an educated, mysterious, attractive woman.
She knew she could get anything and anyone.
So the glamorous life, the sex and the city themed kind of life, wouldn’t be all that difficult to achieve.
It seemed very attractive.

At the same time…
She dreamt of the happy family life.
Of course traveling was always her dream.
So she dreamt of seeing the world before having children…
But she dreamt of having a lovely husband, and having kids, and living that happily ever after kind of life.

Indeed. She couldn’t wait for the day to get pregnant and have a little precious one. Someone she would love unconditionally for ever.

But… She wasn’t ready for it yet – although she couldn’t wait for it to happen…

 

So… What did she want?
She didn’t even know herself.

Sure she had found a great guy, Eric, but still… Nothing seemed certain in her mind…
She didn’t want to leave him – but couldn’t figure out what seemed more appealing to her…
Being alone? Doing whatever her heart desired? Finding herself?
She looked at it as a spiritual journey.
She believed that kind wasn’t quite possible with a significant other, but who knows…
She was torn, but riding the wave destiny had handed to her.
She was just going to see where it took her, and let things be…
Because in the end there’s a reason for everything, and also…
Time will tell the way 😉