Teary.

when you’re frustrated. Sad. Questioning life, and everything…
and you just need someone to talk to, but you don’t know who… Or what to say. You’re just sad. Sad that the world makes your belief in humanity, in love, disappear.

What has the world become? What is to become of me?

All I feel like doing is crying. My heart is aching.
I can’t quite figure out why. I feel lonely, or do I feel lonesome?

I want to love, but I feel like I can’t.
I want to love, but I’m scared to get hurt.
Most of all I’m scared of betrayal.

I’ve been betrayed so many times, I don’t want to experience it again… I don’t want to blame myself for people betraying me… But I do. Because I tell myself, you let yourself trust this person because of this and this and this…
So … Trusting someone, no matter their past, can go two ways.
They either don’t let you down, or they do – and if they do, you will blame yourself for not listning to those annoying inner voices…
But truth is, it can go both ways. A persons past doesn’t necessarily define them, or say anything about who they are now…
Yet for precaution, we tend to ‘judge’. We ‘judge’ in order to protect ourselves…

Is it the right thing to do though? In the end, I’m hurting anyway. No one but me is hurting. I’m hurting now. Nothing has happened and I’m hurting… So whats the difference if I just go with it, and get hurt later?
It’s like I’m seeking the pain.
But whats the difference? If I take a chance, and it works, I might not have to experience any pain at all… So why feel it now?
Why torture myself with my thoughts?

… I’m scared of life. I’m scared of love. I’m scared of people.
Generally I’m just scared.

Teary. Thats what I make myself. I make myself cry…
I hurt myself, no one else. No one else is responsible for my happiness but me. I make myself cry, no one else. I take the pain of life in advance, instead of just living, and taking chances; chances that might lead to pain or avoidance of it. Just living halves the chance of the amount of pain… When taking it in advance, you have no chance of avoiding it – you automatically put maximum amount of pain that is possible for you to experience on yourself. Instead of giving life a chance, you take in all the pain in the world that you could probably feel. Instead of trusting life and having faith in it, and that not everything will come with the outcome of pain…
I am responsible for making myself smile; with my decisions. No one else is responsible.

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