happiness is a word.

Happiness.

Happiness, happiness, happiness…

It’s a word. But what it is?
I still haven’t quite figured it out.

Sadness on the other hand, I know way too well…

Emptiness…

Loneliness…
Lonesomeness…

negativity. That’s all I see in the words that I’ve written after happiness…
But why? Is it because I try so hard to be happy? Content? … And therefore I never will be?
I wish someone could tell me what life is about…

I wish I never felt all alone in the world.
Sometimes, like now, the emotion is so strong it tears me up. And for what? I make myself feel like this… I wish I didn’t, but I do…
And I feel like I have no one to turn to. I have no one but myself. And its hard.
In the end you only have yourself – that I know, but it doesn’t make anything any easier to know it…

But I guess thats just how it is… Good days… Bad days… But so many times I’ve wished I wasn’t on this earth anymore… So why am I?

Happy new year!

Happy new year! May 2016 be the best year yet, with many blessings…
____________________________________________________

A writer.
I always loved to write, since I was little.
It was one of the many things I liked doing.

At one point I dreamt of writing a book…
I guess that dream hasn’t quite left the back of my mind, not yet.

This blog kind of allows me to work on my writing skills, although blogging about my life and thoughts, practically online diary writing, isn’t the same as writing a book – but still, I am writing.

 

What else? I feel tired. Drained. Unmotivated…
Questions. So many questions about my life, where I’m heading – and why.
What do I really want? I wonder if these questions will ever be answered?

I wonder, when I will have time for myself?
I can spend days not doing anything at all, yet be tired. Those days pass by so fast – oddly enough… Making me feel like I don’t have time.
I want to have time to not do anything until I feel rested, and then do something. The problem is though – I never feel rested.

My mind is a mess. I don’t have silence. I don’t have goals right now. I don’t have peace. Which makes me not have time… Because the time flies, with all my thoughts of all these things, and at the end of the day I have achieved nothing else than tiring my mind.

My mind is tired. My body is tired.
I don’t know where I’m going, or perhaps more correctly: I don’t know where I am supposed to go…
Because right now, I am not really going anywhere… I’m not moving at all.

 

Regrets.
Oh how I regret going on that holiday with Luke… Fuck money. My mental health had never been better, with it came the physical… I was fresh, aware, motivated and happy…
For the first time ever I was truly happy and free in my own company and mind…

No money was ever worth ruining that…
So lesson learned…
I shouldn’t regret it, because I learned from it…
Yes it has set me back, but I can work my way back to that point… I just have to find a way – and will…

I just need some time… As I keep telling myself.
But what time? I’m wasting a lot of precious time with… Nothing.
But sometimes that too is good for the mind I guess. Absolutely nothing…
Yet this makes my to do list grow, which stresses me subconsciously…

A day at a time… A day at a time… Rome wasn’t built in a day…

I feel like I am moving forward with my life, nevertheless… Like never before I am aware and changing, so even with a setback, I am still moving forward…