Young and handsome.
That’s what he was.
He had just graduated and thought he was invincible.
He was popular amongst the girls, with his big brown eyes, full lips and tanned skin – not to mention his muscular body.
A body he didn’t get through genetics, a body he had worked hard for, a body that had ‘robbed’ him off of many of the wild and youthful stupidities his classmates lived.
To him it was important.
To him it was the most important thing.
To work hard, achieve and see results.
With his body that was.
So he sacrificed, without seeing it as sacrifice, because he had only one thing in mind – achieve a physique he had always dreamed of.
So the little boy put in a lot of work and time, meal prepping, eating and working out.
It became an obsession.
Soon it was no longer a healthy drive, soon it was no longer discipline and hard work, no, it became an obsession. Everything he did was now out of obsession, he became so obsessed he soon lost his way.
He decided to take a break, he had started working full-time and was exhausted. He couldn’t find the time or energy, so he thought he’d take a break – just for a short while of a few weeks.
It wasn’t long till he missed it again. He was obsessing. Every time he looked in the mirror he felt himself shrinking by the minute.
All that work and time. Gone.
Although reality was far from that.
He started working out and eating right again, it didn’t take long before he once again fell off the wagon. It was too much. Too much stress. He couldn’t take care of himself and his job both at the same time. And since he needed and wanted that job, there was only one choice: to set fitness aside once again.
Was he setting his identity aside? Was fitness so deeply embedded in him, that he lost sense of self? Could it be… That he had nothing else? That he didn’t love himself without fitness? Because without fitness, he didn’t have that godlike body… That body in which he identified himself so much with… That body in which he took pride in, that body in which he hid behind… Because truth be told, he didn’t love himself – but his body, his body he did love… Although he didn’t think it was perfect – he still loved it. The look of it that was.
He was struggling, trying to make the pieces in his life fit. Confused. Lost.
In the midst of all of this… He had met a girl.
A girl that made him feel like no one ever did.
For once he was scared.
Scared that he would get hurt.
This girl… There was never anyone like her.
No one as beautiful as her…
No one as smart and intelligent as her…
No one as educated as her…
No one as mature as her…
No one as… almost perfect, as her.
This one was someone special.
She was helpful, thoughtful and loving.
She helped him.
She helped him with his job.
She helped him with his nutrition, whenever he was determined to start fitness again.
She helped him with everything and anything she could.
She gave him her everything, almost.
She gave him all that she could.
She took great care of him.
She would’ve done anything for him – because that’s just how she was.
She always gave her all, she always wanted to help – everyone.
What he didn’t know was that she had doubted this relationship since the first time they met up. She didn’t feel like it was right, but she ignored her gut feeling. She went for it anyway, “the universe sent him to me, there must be a reason” she thought to herself.
So she ignored her gut feeling and intuition and went with her old habits and patterns… Being a pleaser.
She didn’t want to hurt him, so she hurt herself instead.
She had dreams that she once again set aside, which she did every time there was a new guy in her life… Why? Because her dreams didn’t fit into the whole relationship scene, so it was always one or the other – to her it was so at least.
They did enjoy each others company, they very often had some of the same thoughts… They had shitty humor and laughed together. They gave one another comfort and a sense of love.
They couldn’t get enough of each others company… They went from being just ‘friends’ with benefits, to dating, to seeing each other every day, to living together – unofficially… And then all of a sudden they went from looking at ‘we’ and an apartment, to being strangers.
Two people that once loved and cared, two people that were so close, two people that could’ve made it.
Two people that almost committed to ‘for ever’.
But just almost.
But the timing wasn’t right.
And after all, time decides most things.
“Time doesn’t change, time reveals.”
He walked around with identity issues – not even knowing. He was in denial of many things, if not everything. He didn’t look within himself, he wasn’t interested in ‘fixing’. He didn’t care to find out what was causing him to feel lost and confused, he just wasn’t mature or aware enough to do it… So he went ahead and blamed the latest thing that had walked into his life, her.
His life was fine till she walked in, he kept trying to convince himself.
These feelings are messing me up, he thought.
Why did I have to love her? Why couldn’t I meet her in a few years, when I’m ready? He kept repeating.
He didn’t realize the problem wasn’t her.
He kept thinking that the grass was greener on the other side.
She kept trying and trying, to make him realize that he had issues to work with. She kept trying to make him see the light… She wanted him to succeed. She wanted him to stay. She wanted him. Because now she had once again given up on her dreams, so god damn it, she was going to make it work this time around… Because finally she had met someone that she could stand, and that was good enough for her – because she no longer believed in ‘real’ love anyway.
She tried to make him understand where the problem was and she tried to pull him up to her level. She tried to motivate him and help him achieve his dreams, because she wanted nothing but for him to succeed – be his best.
She didn’t realize that in the middle of all of this, she had lost herself.
She was trying so hard on his behalf that she lost herself…
She was unhappy but couldn’t figure out why… Why was she once again depressed?
Was she stressed? Was it the winter weather? What was it?
Why was she not happy, why did she feel empty inside?
One day she finally decided that she had had enough. She wasn’t going to beg him to ‘fix’ himself and everything, she didn’t have to try so hard.
So she ended it.
She felt relieved. Sad, but relieved. For months had she known deep down that he wasn’t to be a part of her life, since the very start… But she ignored her gut feeling, but now she was being true to herself. It hurt, it hurt for a while, but she was relieved and slowly the depression left her too. She was happy, sad for the story, but happy.
He thought the grass was greener on the other side.
He liked her, but he didn’t feel ready – that was why he was so confused, right?
He didn’t realize that her being gone, meant she was gone for good.
She told him, “once I’m gone, I’m gone” and she meant it. Like she always had. Because she always gave 1000 chances, so once she left – she left for good, whether it was friendships or romantically. When she gave up and left, there was no way to come back.
It didn’t take too long for him to realize that that odd feeling was still there…
He was still not happy, in fact he was now sadder than before…
He couldn’t get her out of his mind.
But he wasn’t going to put up a fight.
She didn’t want him, what else could he do? He wasn’t going to put himself out there and lose face… And hey whenever he knew that she still cared for him, he would feel empowered and on top – and so he’d go back to being a jerk towards her.
Until she no longer even cared to be his friend or even talk to him…
Then he realized how alone he truly was, in a world where only one person had ever come close to him. Pushed his deep buttons of childhood sadness, helped him and truly been there for him whenever, wherever.
He had lost something so good, so rare. Gone.
No one could compare to her.
None of the girls stimulated him like she did.
She was loyal.
She was wifey.
And now, she’s gone.
Now she’s just someone that he used to know.
She was saddened by it all, but she realized that when someone asked her what it was she missed – she didn’t have an answer. The answer to ‘could anyone take his place?’ was yes. She realized she had been with him for all the wrong reasons, but it didn’t take long before she saw the light, and started to work her way up.
She was determined not to keep the same unhealthy habits and patterns that her mother passed on to her, she was going to break the circle and she was going to conquer the world.
She was going to find everything she ever wanted within herself.
She was never going to need another person to fulfill her, she was never going to crave, need or beg for acceptance from a partner ever again – she was done.
She was turning into a better her, she was going to live out her dreams, she was going to let go of the idea that a man had to fulfill her life…
For once she was going to live for her, she was going to find peace, she was going to be more than average.
She was ready. She was lit. She was conscious. She was awake. She was fearless.
…She failed to see that the grass could be greener, and he failed to see that he was already where the grass was most attractive.
He thought the grass was greener on the other side, not realizing he was standing on the best grass out there… The grass might not have been the greenest at the time, but no grass is lush without care. The grass needs to be watered and cared for, and that is the only way for it to be green – the grass is never greener anywhere else.
The grass is only as green as you make it yourself.