She had her ups and downs.

Up and down.

That’s how her whole life had been. ‘That’s normal, I guess’, she told herself.
‘Everyone has ups and downs, so why not me too’.
But she knew, that rarely did people have the kind of downs that she had had in the past… Although things were turning for the better now, and she didn’t get depressed like she used to, she was still wondering: ‘why?’.

She felt like whatever she did it was never enough. But enough for whom? Her family? Her friends? No. Herself.
She had an idea, a vision, and it seemed as if something would always get in the way – most often herself – her mind.

She had lost vision and sight of her goals, her life… And she was too tired to regain them. Tired of her destiny always being in someone else’s hands. She wanted to take charge and not have her future depend on someone else, unfortunately at this level it is governmental and nothing can be done but wait.

Wait. She hated that. She hated waiting, if there was one thing she didn’t possess to a great degree it was patience. First she was impatient because she was excited, now she was impatient because the process was way too long. Why couldn’t she just get those damn documents so she knew what was going to happen with her life now?
She was determined at first, that she wanted to go, she didn’t want to stay here any more. She wanted to go out and live somewhere else, start a new life…
And now? Now she was starting to lose hope… She was dependent on three other parties, because apparently that’s how difficult the process needed to be… Oh well.

She tried to encourage herself: ‘Come on girl, don’t give up. You’ll get your papers, you’ll get to go. DON’T WORRY! BELIEVE! Don’t give up now, don’t lose hope, if you want it bad enough you’ll get it – don’t forget that.’

But deep down she was scared that because the deadline was getting so close, she had to tell people that something was coming up. She had to tell people that she was leaving… And because she was a tad bit superstitious she was scared that she had jinxed her chances by telling people…

At the same time she believed in fate and that whatever is supposed to happen, happens. So the two things contradicted one another… She was scared however that jinx could play a part in what happens, as the universe flows on energies…
But she was trying to forget these thoughts, she really wanted this to happen.
She needed this to happen.

‘Don’t forget why you’ve put yourself through this stress. You’ve never been happier than when you returned from that place… You have to go back. You have to believe, you’ll get there, don’t worry. That place moved you like nowhere else, perhaps it was a short time, but perhaps this is where you belong… But how will you ever know if you don’t try? Don’t give up on yourself. This has always been your dream. For once stop being such an asshole to yourself, and just follow your dreams, believe in your dreams – believe in yourself. Don’t put yourself down, don’t stress yourself out, don’t overthink. Come on. You want this. You need this. But right now its out of your hands – so don’t worry too much about it. But don’t stop believing either. Don’t have negative thoughts, believe, be positive, and you’ll get there. It doesn’t matter that your original deadline can’t be met – better late than never right? … And remember, there’s a reason for everything. Nothing in life is a coincidence in the end. Nothing. The universe is testing your belief, your patience, your mind, everything, don’t give in, don’t give up. I know you’re scared to believe, because you’re scared of being let down, but don’t be scared. If you don’t believe it will happen, how should it happen? You have to believe. You have to want it bad. You have to put out the energy that makes it happen. Come on girl, work in favor of yourself and your dreams, don’t be the obstacle that stands in the way of your own happiness.’

She felt weird having to talk herself up, but she felt good, so it couldn’t be all that insane to do it. No. She didn’t need anyone else to encourage her, all she needed was herself. All she ever needed was herself, so she had to remember, that she needed to look within. Get what she needed from within, forget other people. She needed to be there for herself, she needed to support herself, what she would get from the outside should only be bonus and not the essentials.

She needed to remember, what a great person she is.
‘Do you like yourself?’ she said, and looked at her reflection in the mirror. ‘Yes’ she replied, although many thoughts were floating around regarding what she didn’t like, she was trying to convince herself.
‘I am good enough. No one is perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist. Perfection is subjective. My perfect will never be the same as someone else’s, making perfection even more unrealistic and unreal. Perfect is a subjective illusion that can never be met, but can destroy. You are more than good enough.’

And so she took a deep breathe and went on with her day.

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I can’t breathe.

I can’t breathe.

Mentally and quite literally.
I feel like I’m suffocating.

I’m so stressed. I’m overthinking, I have too many things going on – as usual. And too little time…
I’m really tired of studying, I’m really tired of waiting and I’m tired of passing time.
I’m just tired.
Frustrated.
Indecisive.

Why?

I don’t know. I mean, all I want to do is travel. If I could choose to do anything right this moment, make a choice of what I’d like to do more than anything, it’s to travel. I just don’t want to do the things that I am doing… But I have to.
I have to finish my education, and to be honest I can’t wait. I’ve studied my whole life, and now I just need to get that final degree and be done. I feel like my life is passing by so fast and I haven’t achieved much yet…

I know it’s just the stress. I know I’m just stressed right now…
But… There’s so much going on right now, school and career wise, and it’s just too much. But there’s no way around it…
With everything going on I’ve just lost sight of what I want… Once again.

… Breathe.

I’m trying but I feel like I cant… I need this feeling to pass, ASAP!… I don’t like it.
I’m suffocating.

I can’t breathe.

I fucked your friend.

Is he really your friend though?
I mean, yeah sure… I got to know him through you… But I guess he was more someone you were acquainted with than anything…
Either way, the last 2 months or so, maybe more, I’ve been more friends with him than you ever were. I think.

I ain’t sorry though.
We only just had sex some days ago. We were not sober. Not an excuse, but kind of removes shyness filters, I knew he was shy.

So yeah Eric, I went ahead and had a piece of your friend Dean.

Is that fucked up though? I mean, I don’t think it is. As I said, he wasn’t really your friend… As such. More of an acquaintance…
And clearly he didn’t see you as much of a friend since he made the move…
As for me, I don’t care about you, I have morals yes, but hey… I got needs too. Not to mention, he’s a nice person. He and I have had longer more meaningful conversations than you and I ever did.
I’m not an idiot, I know its not cool, but you know what… I don’t care, I honestly DGAF, that’s my mood, that’s my motto lately.

You weren’t good to me, I don’t owe you shit – and that’s why I don’t feel bad about it. And what you don’t know, doesn’t hurt you.

I saw you out, our eyes met for a second, then I turned around real quick and left.
You were messaging Dean and calling him, I bet you saw him and I talking, didn’t you?

We left. We went to my place. And on our way you were texting him and me, boy were you drunk. And boy did you have no idea that, we had both left the party, and were heading the same way.
He ain’t your friend, he messaged you/replied your messages, then made his move. I didn’t make the move, he did.

I feel evil, but to be honest, I’m not, I just don’t care about anything anymore. Sorry, not sorry.

My life is always such a weird movie when I’m single. Lol. I don’t even care anymore.
Life is weird, people are weird, people are free, we do whatever the hell we please to do.

So, bye Felicia. I fucked your friend and I don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

Heartless?

Is that what I am?
Is that what I have become?

… I don’t think so, or…?

… Nah…

I still got my heart, but I just don’t get all emotional anymore… Because I’ve learned to see the difference between feelings and needs, and bad habits.
I’ve always had a hard time with feelings, but I’ve been mixing the two things up: emotions and neediness.
Which is what has been getting me in the trap…

… Heartless? Not so much.
More aware of myself? Yes.

… I am not heartless, but I don’t fall anyone and everyone.
No one has really been able to touch me, as in really touch me.

I get this feeling of suffocation when someone comes to close. I get scared, because  I really don’t want to get involved. I don’t need someone that has feelings for me, no, please no.

I just cant. Why cant we just chill? Be friends, hang out. Don’t fall for me, please.

… Easier said than done I guess.
Someone once told me, you’re too attractive to just be friends with.
Ha hell, I know deep down… That every guy friend I have, in some kind of way has some kind of feeling towards me. Gee.

I’m awful at being single, haha. Yes I’m laughing…  Because I feel like I create a mess being single. But I enjoy being single. I don’t want a relationship.

I no longer want to settle for less, no. I want that grand thing, and I won’t settle till I get that. Until then, I’ll do me. I’ll do whatever the hell I want. Fuck what others think, fuck what others say, its about me. I’m important, they’re not.

… I’ll do whatever the hell I please, if it makes me feel good.
Ain’t nobody’s business, I live for myself, not others. Just the way it should be, and no – I’m not selfish, but for once I am putting myself first. My happiness comes first, its easier to make others happy too, when you’re happy yourself.

Keep that in mind.

A functional YOU will do more good for others, so put yourself and your needs first – of course as long as it doesn’t fuck up anyone that matters on the way. Unless you don’t care about that I guess…

I will no longer enter relationships because of someone else’s needs or feelings. No.
Best to hurt them early than late.

I can’t. I can’t be in a relationship. I can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t want. I want to be free. Myself. Just me. No one else to consider or take care of. All my energy on myself. Because I deserve it. I have an idea of what kind of man I want, and if you don’t fit that description – I’m sorry. You can be nice and all, and hell, there’s a lot of nice guys out there – but that’s no longer enough for me. Nice is not hard to find, I need someone that really sweeps me off my feet. Someone that blows my mind, someone that makes me feel extraordinary feelings. I haven’t found that yet, and you know what? I am perfectly fine with that. Everything at it’s time, things happen as they are supposed to happen. I don’t NEED a partner, no, I need me. I need my sanity, I need to fulfil my dreams, I need to do things. I don’t want to have someone’s happiness depend on me. I can’t take that responsibility right now. Nah. I’m not ready yet…

So… It’s not because I’m heartless, it’s just because I’m not ready. And it’s because I’ve gotten a better idea of what I want and don’t want. I am enlightened.