Up and down.
That’s how her whole life had been. ‘That’s normal, I guess’, she told herself.
‘Everyone has ups and downs, so why not me too’.
But she knew, that rarely did people have the kind of downs that she had had in the past… Although things were turning for the better now, and she didn’t get depressed like she used to, she was still wondering: ‘why?’.
She felt like whatever she did it was never enough. But enough for whom? Her family? Her friends? No. Herself.
She had an idea, a vision, and it seemed as if something would always get in the way – most often herself – her mind.
She had lost vision and sight of her goals, her life… And she was too tired to regain them. Tired of her destiny always being in someone else’s hands. She wanted to take charge and not have her future depend on someone else, unfortunately at this level it is governmental and nothing can be done but wait.
Wait. She hated that. She hated waiting, if there was one thing she didn’t possess to a great degree it was patience. First she was impatient because she was excited, now she was impatient because the process was way too long. Why couldn’t she just get those damn documents so she knew what was going to happen with her life now?
She was determined at first, that she wanted to go, she didn’t want to stay here any more. She wanted to go out and live somewhere else, start a new life…
And now? Now she was starting to lose hope… She was dependent on three other parties, because apparently that’s how difficult the process needed to be… Oh well.
She tried to encourage herself: ‘Come on girl, don’t give up. You’ll get your papers, you’ll get to go. DON’T WORRY! BELIEVE! Don’t give up now, don’t lose hope, if you want it bad enough you’ll get it – don’t forget that.’
But deep down she was scared that because the deadline was getting so close, she had to tell people that something was coming up. She had to tell people that she was leaving… And because she was a tad bit superstitious she was scared that she had jinxed her chances by telling people…
At the same time she believed in fate and that whatever is supposed to happen, happens. So the two things contradicted one another… She was scared however that jinx could play a part in what happens, as the universe flows on energies…
But she was trying to forget these thoughts, she really wanted this to happen.
She needed this to happen.
‘Don’t forget why you’ve put yourself through this stress. You’ve never been happier than when you returned from that place… You have to go back. You have to believe, you’ll get there, don’t worry. That place moved you like nowhere else, perhaps it was a short time, but perhaps this is where you belong… But how will you ever know if you don’t try? Don’t give up on yourself. This has always been your dream. For once stop being such an asshole to yourself, and just follow your dreams, believe in your dreams – believe in yourself. Don’t put yourself down, don’t stress yourself out, don’t overthink. Come on. You want this. You need this. But right now its out of your hands – so don’t worry too much about it. But don’t stop believing either. Don’t have negative thoughts, believe, be positive, and you’ll get there. It doesn’t matter that your original deadline can’t be met – better late than never right? … And remember, there’s a reason for everything. Nothing in life is a coincidence in the end. Nothing. The universe is testing your belief, your patience, your mind, everything, don’t give in, don’t give up. I know you’re scared to believe, because you’re scared of being let down, but don’t be scared. If you don’t believe it will happen, how should it happen? You have to believe. You have to want it bad. You have to put out the energy that makes it happen. Come on girl, work in favor of yourself and your dreams, don’t be the obstacle that stands in the way of your own happiness.’
She felt weird having to talk herself up, but she felt good, so it couldn’t be all that insane to do it. No. She didn’t need anyone else to encourage her, all she needed was herself. All she ever needed was herself, so she had to remember, that she needed to look within. Get what she needed from within, forget other people. She needed to be there for herself, she needed to support herself, what she would get from the outside should only be bonus and not the essentials.
She needed to remember, what a great person she is.
‘Do you like yourself?’ she said, and looked at her reflection in the mirror. ‘Yes’ she replied, although many thoughts were floating around regarding what she didn’t like, she was trying to convince herself.
‘I am good enough. No one is perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist. Perfection is subjective. My perfect will never be the same as someone else’s, making perfection even more unrealistic and unreal. Perfect is a subjective illusion that can never be met, but can destroy. You are more than good enough.’
And so she took a deep breathe and went on with her day.